HybridSymbiote

Well, I would say that the main reason we have not met in person yet was because of me. Our communication has been on and off over the course of six years because of me. Initially when we first started dating she did plan to come and see me, but I ruined that because I stopped being with her due to my insecurities.

We did meet each other online and have yet to meet in person, although she did plan on visiting me a while ago back when we were dating. I was the one who asked her about her late partner, so it probably wouldn't have come up if I didn't ask. I am basing this on the fact that this has been the first time she's ever talked about her late partner. I found out about the age discrepancy when she told me that if the time that had passed were a person then it would be almost of voting age. I told her that it did not make any sense (basing that on the age she would have to be based on how old she told me she was).

I am not bothered by her age so much as I am bothered by the fact that she lied to me about it for so many years. She was only honest about it when I caught her in the lie. She did say that the reason why she lied about it was because she was afraid that her true age would scare me off. She also said that saying something about it got more difficult for her every day.

I mean, I certainly found that to be an alarming detail and I am still in disbelief about it. But at the same time I've grown attached to her.

I am so out of it and I have no clue what to do. When me and this woman first met, she told me she was 19. We have been talking for 6 years. As it turns out, she wasn't really 19 like she told me when we first met and now she's 33. I am 21. I asked her if she missed her late partner and she told me "occasionally". She also told me about how she met her late partner at college orientation. They were in the same freshman seminar class, had the same major, had a very similar schedule, and were in the same dorm. These things that they had in common made the idea of them dating each other feel very natural. Her late partner had eventually moved to a dorm across campus so they would alternate between whose dorm they hung out in every week. Eventually during her second year of college, in October on the Wednesday before Halloween, they were going to watch It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown at her late partner's dorm. Watching that film was a favorite holiday tradition of hers. She went to work first and after she got back on campus, she discovered that her late partner had a full psychotic break in the parking lot. After that, they got withdrawn from school and got institutionalized. During the time they were institutionalized, they lost the will to live, stopped eating, stopped getting out of bed, and eventually passed shortly after school was out in May of the following semester. She had been feeling awful about it for a few years and still struggles to watch It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown to this day. I really feel guilty about the idea of us being together because it almost feels as if I might be replacing the person. But I also feel quite jealous, like there was a special chemistry that existed that would never exist between us. I also feel betrayed because of the fact that she lied to me about her age for so long. She only fessed up when I noticed the discrepancies regarding when she told me she was in college and how old she had to be then based on the age she told me she was. I am so confused and I have no idea what to do.