Thinking about proposing without a ring.

[j.man]

Didn't anticipate 5+ pages of responses after only taking a dump and washing some dishes. Feeling the love and appreciate all your responses. Can't get around to quoting everyone, but I'll throw in on the general ideas I've read.

 

Firstly, it really is a hard-line principle for me. I don't want to give a single thing to her in exchange for "yes." I find it as sexist as it is archaic (though "archaic" may be the wrong word as pre-1930s, it was done without e-rings). She's my equal, I don't need to be giving her anything. I think it should be a moment that's equally enjoyed and shared based simply on the fact it's a mutual agreement to spend our lives together. I know it's kinda hypocritical as I do catch myself advising guys to play into the politics, but for whatever reason, this has got me real stubborn.

 

As to whether she wants a ring or would like one (not necessarily expect), she does. She's not too atypical as far as that goes. Would she turn me down without one? The more I think about it, the more definite I am that she wouldn't. But, yeah, I can see there being a little less magic on her end without one.

 

Given the above, I actually really liked the suggestion of throwing in together for matching bands, or more or less equally priced bands of our own style. I personally don't understand the ring phenomena either, but I could get behind some mutual symbolism like that, and she'd have a ring. This is something I'm definitely gonna give some consideration do and do some option hunting on.

 

We've been a bit less than subtle when it comes to me proposing. I had to be kind of an ass, though in my mind a necessary one, when we were about to head to Mexico and I disclaimed I wouldn't be proposing then. I'd just gotten asked by like 20 friends if I was planning on it, so I can only imagine how many more of hers had hyped her up for it and I just didn't want her being upset to herself every night after having some expectation. But we had a very light discussion that basically ended with the understanding that I am planning to propose and that she's waiting eagerly but patiently to accept. I think she's been ready for awhile now. Yeah, though, definitely not much spontaneity there.

 

I'm reading all your responses and appreciate them a lot. Giving me plenty to ponder on.

[Fudgie]

Your off my engagement list of potentials!

 

Oh you're going to write me off for that, not for any one of the 20+ red flags I have that are way bigger and come with flashing neon lights? :splat:

[Naomi99]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11285[/ATTACH]

 

You can propose with this lovely lollipop sugar diamond ring first, and then go shopping together later.

[Fudgie]

As to whether she wants a ring or would like one (not necessarily expect), she does.

 

Oh, so you do know already...she DOES want a ring. Well then, I would get her a ring in that case, because you know that is what she wants.

 

If you don't trust your ring-picking skills, then you can make an evening of it: take her out, propose, and then immediately go to a ring store (maybe make an appointment beforehand) and pick out or design something that she loves.

[reinventmyself]

My son was tripping up on styles. . .Gal pals filling his head with crazy ideas.

I advised him to go with a solitaire diamond. It's timeless, classic and no one would turn that down.

He added a tiny diamond channel set wedding band to it that she will have the option to wear on it's own.

She can always change it or add to it at a later time or some year down the ways.

 

He's fortunate because his girl is very sensible and runs a little on the conservative side.

 

I wouldn't be opposed to being proposed to and then shopping together, but it may be harder to control the cost if

you haven't had a firm understanding prior.

 

I admire your straightforwardness, jman. No doubt she knows what she's signing up for.

Keep us updated!

[j.man]

Oh, so you do know already...she DOES want a ring. Well then, I would get her a ring in that case, because you know that is what she wants.

 

If you don't trust your ring-picking skills, then you can make an evening of it: take her out, propose, and then immediately go to a ring store (maybe make an appointment beforehand) and pick out or design something that she loves.

Well, I mean, I'd also love for her to give me a $1000 TV (and wouldn't be picky on the brand), but such is life.

 

Naw, though. I really can't get behind the whole "what she wants" angle. What she wants, she should feel free to get. If a woman feels the need to arbitrarily associate an engagement with a piece of jewelry, I think she should feel free to buy herself a piece at 22 and wait for the occasion. I honestly kinda resent the idea of her and I agreeing to marry being at all an extra ownership or entitlement on her end, and that's by and large what I'm trying to avoid. I try my best not to transpose my "typical guy" standards, but I feel like if, at the end of the day, the promise the marry isn't enough without a ring, that's just a fundamental incompatibility.

 

The more I'm thinking about it, the more I'm digging the matching / giving each other one idea. She would get what she wants and it appeases my need for it to be a purely mutual occasion.

[reinventmyself]

A friend of mine knew her man couldn't afford the ring to her liking. So their compromise was that he would put up what he thought fair and affordable and she contributed the difference so she could get the ring she desired.

 

Yah . . not terribly romantic and I certainly would not have done the same.

But. . it worked for them.

Oh . . yah. . they divorced 10 years later. . hmmm

[Fudgie]

Well, I mean, I'd also love for her to give me a $1000 TV (and wouldn't be picky on the brand), but such is life.

 

Naw, though. I really can't get behind the whole "what she wants" angle. What she wants, she should feel free to get. If a woman feels the need to arbitrarily associate an engagement with a piece of jewelry, I think she should feel free to buy herself a piece at 22 and wait for the occasion. I honestly kinda resent the idea of her and I agreeing to marry being at all an extra ownership or entitlement on her end, and that's by and large what I'm trying to avoid. I try my best not to transpose my "typical guy" standards, but I feel like if, at the end of the day, the promise the marry isn't enough without a ring, that's just a fundamental incompatibility.

 

The more I'm thinking about it, the more I'm digging the matching / exchanging idea. She would get what she wants and it appeases my need for it to be a purely mutual occasion.

 

When it comes to e-rings, I do think it matters if the woman wants one or not...because she will be the one to wear it and all that jazz. However, I understand your point of view completely and your distaste for it.

 

If you like the matching/exchanging idea, go for it. That way she will be happy and so will you.

[Naomi99]

A friend of mine knew her man couldn't afford the ring to her liking. So their compromise was that he would put up what he thought fair and affordable and she contributed the difference so she could get the ring she desired.

Yeah but Jman said that he COULD afford it. He just doesn't want to. He'd rather her pay for the entire thing herself "what she wants, she should feel free to get herself."

[reinventmyself]

Yeah but Jman said that he COULD afford it. He just doesn't want to. He'd rather her pay for the entire thing herself "what she wants, she should feel free to get herself."

I didn't see that in what he shared.

Me thinks he'll do the right thing. . whatever that may be.

[mustlovedogs]

When two of my friends got engaged, they did it without rings under the aurora borealis. BUT they went shopping and each got engagement rings/wedding rings as a sign of their commitment to each other.

 

J.man - devils advocate, but if you don't want to be sexist, why propose at all? Why not let her propose to you?

 

I don't think the tradition is the problem if you make it your own. Just my opinion.

[itsallgrand]

Since she wants a ring, both of you getting rings makes sense here.

 

You could also mess with her and tell her you want matching tattooed rings. Just kidding. I've seen that though and it holds to the symbolism of a ring without having to get jewelry. Hee

[reinventmyself]

Since she wants a ring, both of you getting rings makes sense here.

 

You could also mess with her and tell her you want matching tattooed rings. Just kidding. I've seen that though and it holds to the symbolism of a ring without having to get jewelry. Hee

The only tattoo rings I've seen are on left hand of the divorced person who regrets doing it

[itsallgrand]

The only tattoo rings I've seen are on left hand of the divorced person who regrets doing it

 

Lol . For all the symbolism of a ring, it's still nice to be able to take it off ?! Lol

[abitbroken]

Firstly, it really is a hard-line principle for me. I don't want to give a single thing to her in exchange for "yes." I find it as sexist as it is archaic (though "archaic" may be the wrong word as pre-1930s, it was done without e-rings). She's my equal, I don't need to be giving her anything. I think it should be a moment that's equally enjoyed and shared based simply on the fact it's a mutual agreement to spend our lives together. I know it's kinda hypocritical as I do catch myself advising guys to play into the politics, but for whatever reason, this has got me real stubborn.

 

As to whether she wants a ring or would like one (not necessarily expect), she does. She's not too atypical as far as that goes. Would she turn me down without one? The more I think about it, the more definite I am that she wouldn't. But, yeah, I can see there being a little less magic on her end without one.

 

Here's the thing - you can propose without a ring - but I will tell you the hard part is breaking the news and there is no ring (unless the wedding date is like, next week, and you will exchange bands). She will get all sorts of odd questions and remarks about you being cheap "where's the ring? You mean you didn't get a ring?" If you already have a date when you break the news, then a ring is less necessary "surprise, we are getting married. The date is June 1" but if you have not talked about marriage extensively to the point that you have even explored premarriage programs and have narrowed a date - then i would get a ring.

 

You are NOT giving her a ring in "trade" for a "yes" - she is wearing the ring because she is betrothed and you both choose for her to have a symbol of that. it doesn't have to be a $1,000 diamond or anything like that.

 

And she wants a ring, so none of the talk about archaicness matters.

[Wiseman2]

We've been a bit less than subtle when it comes to me proposing.

]

[j.man]

You are NOT giving her a ring in "trade" for a "yes" - she is wearing the ring because she is betrothed

Ring doesn't change that one way or the other.

[abitbroken]

Ring doesn't change that one way or the other.

 

Yes, but that's the meaning behind it traditionally. The whole point is that she wants a ring. You can make her happy, or you can go out your way to explain how its archaic and how you won't do it. Either or.

[journeynow]

I honestly kinda resent the idea of her and I agreeing to marry being at all an extra ownership or entitlement on her end, and that's by and large what I'm trying to avoid.

 

I get this. Makes sense to me. I feel how the decision to marry is approached is symbolic (or metaphoric, or foreshadowing). What kind of partnership do yo want? What roles do you envision? It never makes sense to me when women get worked up waiting for a proposal when they are ready, as if they can't do the asking. Big Decisions, IMO, should be approached together, with respect. Why should one of you get a big prize (pricey ring) for being the one who doesn't get to do the proposing. It's another reason why I feel I live on a different planet from so many.

 

Whatever you decide, I'm all for it, I trust you.

[RainyCoast]

i don't know. other than i like the idea of both getting them together. sounds like a great compromise especially since she doesn't worship the engagement "protocol", but isn't opposed to a ring either.

 

i just can't help saying i absolutely hate this talk of what kind of questions she'll be getting. from who? from J's wife i'd expect she can handle "girlfriends" and their anticipation- and bother a rats arse about how disappointed they are she's not wearing a ring. to heck with that. it's not their friggin marriage.

[journeynow]

You are NOT giving her a ring in "trade" for a "yes" - she is wearing the ring because she is betrothed

 

Wouldn't they BOTH be betrothed? Maybe it's time for a NEW tradition. Each party carry a special precious something to be worn (ring? earring?) waiting for the first one to decide to "spring the question". The other person answers by presenting the item to the other. Sweetheart A pulls out a box and opens for the other to see, and Sweetheart B pulls out and opens a box in return, each offering something precious and symbolic to the other. I could live with that! Someone invented the tradition we recognize now, others can change it so down the road it looks different.

[itsallgrand]

^i imagine that's how it was done before all this ring business. Very simple. Maybe giving something you made, or something that was passed down and meant something personally.

And somehow it became rings- maybe a very intensive good marketing campaign. We know for sure the '3 months wages' was marketing that was very successful. Shrug

[Ms Darcy]

I was kind of in your shoes 20 plus years ago. I was thinking practically when I should have been thinking romantically. To you it is just a ring but to her it is a symbol of the love you share.

 

50 replies in and this is the answer I was looking for.

 

If I were you, I'd ask her what she wants. Does she want a ring? Does she have a preference? And then make it a romantic occasion.

 

My husband was pretty ambivalent about a ring too. He proposed to me in a very simple but romantic way ... without a ring. And then he took me to a jewelry store and told me to pick what I wanted. (AND I DID!

 

But given now that we are married and closer and all of that, the wedding ring is a huge symbol for HIM now. I had to have a minor surgical procedure and I wasn't supposed to wear jewelry. He wanted to see if they could make an exception for the ring. What I mean is that once you go through the whole process (planning for marriage, maybe pre-marital counseling, the wedding, etc etc) it could mean a lot more to you too

 

Very happy for you dude. I wish you the best of luck in this!

[Ms Darcy]

J.man - devils advocate, but if you don't want to be sexist, why propose at all? Why not let her propose to you?

 

I think this is a fair point. And further, she may have proposed 6 months or a year ago ... perhaps before you were even ready.

 

Just food for thought, much of this process may just be about her waiting for you to be ready. And how is waiting for you to be ready really a fair and totally equal situation? I don't know. Just a thought.

[Jinsky]

Congratulation, Jman (and the lucky girlfriend)!

 

Couldn't you propose first and then present her the 'gift/ring' after the yes? Technically it won't be trading it for the yes then.

 

The exchange idea is not bad either. After all relationship does require compromises and at times going outside the comfort zone, no?

If you have problem with the concept of 'buying' her by purchasing a ring, do you think she'd like something you make?

How good are you with your hands?

My boyfriend asked me what kind of rings I'd like. Even though he can easily purchase big sparky bling bling, I think I'd like us to design and make wooden rings together. Imagine this; Taking a class in the woodwork, gaining new knowledge, trying out new activities, patience and details, discussing and working together, etc. I think I'll be reminded of these values when I see the ring on my finger.

 

There is a saying, to be too rigid may bring disaster. What will make both of you happy? Hope the idea helps, Jman. Rings or no rings, this is a step to celebrate!