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Fudgie last won the day on November 26 2020

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  1. As others have stated, this is a highly subjective topic and since everyone is different has different values, then you will have a plethora of answers. All I can offer is mine. My advice is to keep an open mind, read everyone's, and think about it. What approach really resonates with you? For me, I have been feeling happier as a whole for the past 2 years and I chalk this up to some good choices I made. Namely, I decided I needed to make my relationship with my family healthier, follow MY instinct on what to do with my career, stop listening to my parents so much, and just live my life for me. It's going well. I gave up traditional dating too and I gave up some friends. I gave myself permission to live my life as I want to live it and with some exceptions, have done my best to untie my self worth from others' thoughts about me. It's been very liberating. I wish I could tell you how to get here but I don't think it's possible. It's a path we all must find ourselves, in our own way. As one of my favorite writers once wrote (translated): "Life mostly consists of struggles in the dark." We are all trying to find our way through this existence and no one has all the answers. Find what works for you and run with it.
  2. Never wanted kids and I would never date a man with kids. I underwent permanent sterilization in my mid 20s. I'm in my early 30s and life is pretty good overall - if I weren't doing school and full time work, I would have more free time. I love it. Absolutely no regrets. Not sure if you're male or female but given your age, it will be a bit easier to find someone who doesn't want kids. I feel as generations continue on, the younger ones seem to be less likely to want kids and it's more acceptable to not have any. You may get fewer "matches" but you should garner pretty good interest, provided your profile/pic is good. I no longer date and I am not in a relationship but I always had a lot of options when I was dating. As soon as I hit 30, I noticed the number of available single dads went way up. I'm sure I could find someone semi-suitable who doesn't have kids if I wanted to, but I may have to dig for a while, versus in my 20s when there were more single people. But that's less on the kids bit - there's just MORE single folks in their 20s. We all have our standards and what we want out of life. Not wanting kids will not doom you and if you are serious, you will find someone. Never compromise and have a child when you don't want one or become an unwilling step-parent. That's a way to ruin 2 lives, yours and the kids.
  3. Admittedly, it's a bit of a hot topic for me. I am female and I had to push hard to get sterilized in my mid 20s. I was sick of being on hormones. I am now in my early 30s and I have no regrets but it honestly really bothers me when I hear of stories of men who also don't want children but are a bit more cavalier with birth control, or saying things like "leaving it up to the woman" and then are surprised when a baby is made. It really boggles my mind. I can't imagine being in their shoes and all it takes is one screw up, one sperm, and BAM, that's it. Now he's an unwilling father, not good for him or the kid, really. I'm sorry my post triggered you but given what you said re: ex wife and pitbull lawyers, it makes sense. I take more of a "direct" approach on this topic, to be blunt and to let them know of what can happen, because it has happened to many guys. There are other options, sure, but if a guy is serious about it and he's a little older, it makes no sense not to make it permanent and fool-proof. That's always been my stance. It also helps out weed out people who are not a good fit. Women who want children won't stick around with a guy who is snipped because it's a dead end: can't change his mind, can't sabotage birth control, etc. Just my take.
  4. I wish OP would come back and clarify because when I read "32" and "I don't want kids", I take that to mean "I don't want them ever" as people around that age will usually stipulate "well I want them someday". I could be wrong but that's how I took it. Maybe OP will change his mind, maybe not. That said, if he is serious about staying this way, then I do think it's prudent because as a man, he cannot control what a woman does with a pregnancy. It's foolish, IMO, to leave that door open if you yourself are certain that you're not going to use it. Way too many "oops" out there.
  5. With all due respect, when you air your problems on an anon internet forum, looking for advice, people are going to give you advice on multiple aspects of your situation, including the potential for it to happen again in the future. OP is free to ignore what I or what anyone wrote if he disagrees but that's up to him. He's a guy in his 30s who doesn't want to have kids. The obvious answer is to break up and that's always my answer in these situations because it's a topic you can't compromise on. So what's going to happen when he dates the next girl? Okay, same thing. How can he avoid the same situation in the future? Get snipped and tell the women from the start. Frankly, he and other men in his position are playing with fire if they don't want to be fathers and are going to rely on the woman for birth control only.
  6. Just because someone goes to therapy doesn't mean that they will actually improve or not re-offend. That's not really the fault of the therapist but it has to do with the patient. Sure, so he's going to therapy, big deal - he can still lie to the therapist or downplay and continue his denials and rationalizations about the situation. You don't even know if he would tell the therapist what really happened. Regardless of what happens with him, be ready to wash your hands of him. This is not your circus, not your monkeys. His recovery is not your responsibility and if he is going to re-offend, then he will and there is nothing you will be able to do about it so there's no point in worrying more. You did the right thing in encouraging him to see someone - up to him if he utilizes that resource appropriately. You did all you can do.
  7. I work full time and I also am in graduate school. Frankly, I don't have time for a full-fledged relationship. I mean, I suppose I COULD but I do value the leisure time I do have and I don't want to fill that time with other things. Most people in my position have families and such, but I know their family life sort of takes a back seat OR they are able to lean on their spouse financially and go part time or less. I live alone so not an option for me. For me, and this is just me, but I looove my leisure time so 2/3 is doable but not a total of 3. If I had to do all 3, something is taking a backseat. Something has got to give. Work/School, Work/Relationship, School/Relationship Again, your mileage may vary. I treasure my leisure time/seeing family and getting 8+ hours of shuteye every night. As you get older, you will learn your limits and what you want out of life. Yes, you could schedule your time, being superwoman and working 50+ hours a week, have a husband, 1.5 children, plus a social life, plus volunteer, plus seeing your other family members, plus hobbies... Some people can do that and be happy but not me. Could I do it? Sure. Would I want to off myself within 6 months? Probably. Figure out what you want and need in your life to be happy and to take care of your own needs and then be mindful of how much you take on as you get older, taking into account the benefits and the costs.
  8. PeaSoup, At the end of the day, the relationship is over for you. Maybe he was abused, ok, let's assume that he was - that doesn't make it okay. Same thing with remorse. Remorse doesn't excuse what happened, it's only a part of the beginning of moving forward with one's life into recovery. What bothers me about this is that he did it multiple times yet states that he doesn't know why he did it and that he doesn't know where he got the idea to threaten her. There's a lot of denial going on with him. He needs professional help and I'm doubtful he's going to get it in a real capacity. He is saddled with some terrible, horrific stuff, some of it is his doing, some of it is not. When you are yoked to him in a relationship, then in some ways, his s__t becomes your s__t simply because you are yoked together in this relationship. And what he is bringing forward is TERRIBLE and affecting you negatively so much already. Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that you have sworn a lifetime oath to stay with that person no matter what, even if it kills you. You are well within your right to look at a situation, even a marriage, and say "yeah, you know what, things have changed in a way that makes this relationship unhealthy for me and not possible to continue and I need to walk away." Alleviate yourself of that guilt and walk away, if for no other reason than your own mental and emotional wellbeing. This is far beyond what you are comfortable and can handle and that's okay but that means you need to recognize that and get yourself out promptly. No more perseverating about the situation. You can dissect it all you want and go through the details in your head but at the end of the day, it's still a load of s__t and your hands are going to smell and you'll be unhappy. So take a shower of this and call your parents. Meet up and ask them to help you wash this man out of your life so you can find something healthier for you.
  9. It's not irrelevant at all. If OP definitely does not want kids at all, then it is in his better interests to get a vasectomy so that no "oops" pregnancies can happen, especially with girlfriends that may have other motives.
  10. Go to your parents and tell them what happened. Tell them you need their help to get out of this situation and relationship. You're their daughter and they love you; they will help you. But talk to them ASAP, go to them in person and let it all out and tell them what you need in order to get out quickly and safely.
  11. Do you feel that he feels remorse for this? It doesn't really sound like it, to me, from what you've written. I suppose in your shoes, I'd feel a little differently if it were clear that he tried once then was immediately repulsed/disgusted with himself, deeply regretted it, was truly ashamed, and had been seeking help for a while, long before even meeting you or mentioning it to you. 12/13 is old enough to know better also still quite young and it's possible that he was abused - who knows. But that's not the case here. What raises my eyebrows and would make me walk away, full stop, is that he did it more than once, threatened her to keep quiet, and admits he justified it to himself. Does he still justify it? Did he talk about it like she was willing? That coupled with the past lying (about past cheating and lying about getting a STD test) all point to him being someone that you need to stay away from. I think that seeing a therapist/psychologist is a wonderful idea.
  12. Thread states: "My boyfriend is mad that I crave ice-cream most days" Reality: "My boyfriend is mad that I ask him to get me ice-cream almost everyday, utilizing his time and money and treating him like a servant." It's not really fair. What is he getting out of it? You say that you'd gladly get your partner ice cream almost everyday if they want it but saying that is easy, doing that is another thing. Unless you two had an agreement or some thing to make it fair, you may well end up feeling resentful too.
  13. She wants kids, you do not. Why are you leaving this up to her? I'll tell you what will happen if you "leave it up to her". You will end up fathering a child, like it or not. You are a man and as soon as pregnancy happens, you have no control. You can't give up your parental rights, you can't force her to abort, etc. It is in your better interests to take your own birth control in your hands. If you leave it to someone else, YOU WILL HAVE A CHILD. My advice is to leave her. Stop giving her time to conoct some semblance of a reason for you two to continue this. She can always lie and say that she "sees the light" and doesn't want kids, and then she "forgets" her pill and you're screwed. Get a vasectomy so this doesn't have to be as much of a worry for you in the future. It will also repell women that want kids once they hear you're snipped and trust me, you want to do that. I'm in my early 30s and am surgically sterile so I'm walking the talk.
  14. If it sounds like a duck, and it looks like a duck, and it walks like a duck.... I know I'm going to get pounced on this but it sounds like you know the truth and know what you have to do. I would personally get a hold of his phone covertly, take some screenshots that prove what he was doing and send them to yourself so you have proof and can show people what's going on. Also, if the police have to get involved, that's futher proof. I'm not sure what is not right here but it's pretty clear that it's him who is doing all of this.
  15. I get "Whiffs" here and there of smells. I think I just have a lot of inflammation but I'm pretty confident it will come back and I don't think it will take quite as long. I have already started "smell training". Definitely getting the booster is a good idea. I don't regret getting mine, although I ended up getting infected before it took effect. Planning a trip to Canada in later November. I think I should test negative by then.
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