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Everything posted by Fudgie

  1. Agree with Batya that physical/sexual attraction and chemistry are not the same thing but they do overlap. You can look at a photo/video of someone and tell if that person is physically/sexually attractive to you. However, you cannot tell if you and that person would have good chemistry together. That is something that can only be determined, fully, when meeting in person, although I do believe chemistry can be assessed (although not fully) over video chat, phone, etc. I agree with what others have said about focusing on your positives, downplaying your negatives or just not focusing on them. We can sit here and talk about how you're not "conventionally attractive" until the cows come home but at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. Lots of average and ugly people have relationships and are happy.
  2. You're falling into the "fix-it" trap here. You say that you could marry her and nurse her back to health but the truth is that you can't. Completely ignore the fact that you don't want to (because you don't love her in that way anymore), the simple truth is that you can't. This is a mental health problem and she clearly has the time, ability, and resources to make a real change in this regard if she chose to. She's living with her folks, doesn't sound like she's working, so she could go and get some help. If she's not working, then there is no income and she would qualify for Medicaid in the US and her healthcare would be free. As for her thesis, she could have had it done already! Many people go back many years later to complete a thesis and get their degree. It's not like she lost that opportunity, she just hasn't taken it. The thing about mental health is that the person must be motivated to make a change and stick with it. It sounds like she has the resources and ability but has chosen not to. No one, not you nor anyone else, can force her into wanting to change. That has to solely come from her. This is not something that you can "nurse" someone back to health for. It's not a broken leg and time doesn't heal all wounds, especially not of this kind. You have a responsibilty to be respectful to her but your responsibility to yourself comes first. It's not like you're wanting to leave just after she had a crisis; one could call you a bit cold in that instance. She had 2+ years to make some progress in bettering her life and she has done nothing in that regard, so she's failing both herself and you, because you two had long-term plans and with her stagnation, you'd be forced to be the sole income earner when that was not the plan before. Please don't let her drag you down more. You are not her keeper and her health is her responsibility. What she chooses to do with her life, good or bad, is her choice and you cannot be faulted for any of that. I would pull the band-aid off and break up with her. If possible, tell her that in order to heal, you both need to not talk for a long while, if not forever, and then go no-contact on everything, blocking her.
  3. Hahaha, this made me laugh! I definitely put myself into the "quiet confidence" camp, although I used to have less confidence, I have more so now. I'm at the point where, honestly, I really like myself and it feels great. However, I agree with you, confidence alone is not enough. The truth is that we all have one or more things that can hinder our ability to connect with others in the way that we want to or some of us decide, because of these things and other factors, that it's best not to attempt and that's okay too. There is a lot of freedom and power in being able to look at relationships and coming to the conclusion not to pursue. Of course, there's the risk of loneliness, decreased financial security, etc. but there is risk with partnering up too. You just have to weigh what is important to you and realize that no matter what "path" you choose, you will always have the odd moment where you wonder "what if" you took the other path. And don't let anyone tell you that if you have the odd "what if" moment, it means you're unhappy. Absolutely not. As long as it doesn't bother you and you're not ruminating on it, it's fine. It's a very human thing to do. I have sometimes thought about the possible outcomes, had I made different choices in life, taken different opportunities, or followed different trajectories. Could I have done better in some areas? Sure, and we all do. I do wish you happiness, whatever that looks like for you.
  4. First off, any therapist worth their salt can recognize how deeply your parents (and their associated relationship) can impact you and your ability to form your own relationships. I would talk to your therapist and ask her/him if she has some experience with "psycho dynamic" therapy. If so, then they can really help you unpack this old stuff and help you see how it impacts you today. I know it sounds cliche and Freudian but it's actually a key part of getting better for most people and those trained in psychotherapy are taught about this. I mean, if you think about it, it makes sense. Your parents are usually the first ones in the world to not only show you love but to model interpersonal relations to you. Of course their relationship and personal dysfunction would impact you!
  5. Carnatic, I liked mical's statement about "whether or not you think you can or can't, you're right". I know that dating is a lot easier these days (speaking generally!) for women than it is for men but I have found this to be true for myself. I didn't see the part that Tiny dance referred to, about you not wanting to date women with kids. I totally get it. I would not date a man with children, regardless of his personality, wealth, etc. As I age, I find that more and more men have procreated and I'd rather be alone than risk being a step mom / babysitter. There's nothing wrong with that view but I do agree, some people do end up alone, whether it is due to their own issues and/or statistically, things just didn't work out. It can and does happen. The way I see it, you have two choices and you don't have to decide now: change yourself in the ways that you can and work hard to attract a mate OR remain as you are and embrace singledom. I don't believe that either choice is "better" or a moral slant to it. In some ways, I have chosen the second option and I feel a lot better for it. Think about it. I don't believe that romantic love/relationships are "worth it" for everyone. Maybe for many, but not for all. And that's OK but you need to be honest with yourself and go through the associated grieving process once you make that choice.
  6. Doesn't sound like a good fit. I agree with Batya, nothing wrong (by the sounds of it) with the guy but it doesn't sound like you two are sexually compatible. When you say you can't get your bum clean - did you two use lube for anal? If it's silicone based lube, it's difficult to wash off. It does come off (speaking from personal experience here!) but it takes a couple times.
  7. It's somewhat true, yes. She's not vapid, or else I wouldn't associate with her. She does have other good traits but yeah, I don't think she cultivated them as much as she could have. And her sense of self worth is very tied up in the positive attention she receives from others ( namely men) so she's already worrying about losing that, or some of that, when she's older. Which will happen. We are very opposite in that way but it facilitates friendship somehow. It's like we are in different dimensions but find the other one interesting!
  8. Walking on eggshells is NOT healthy or normal. Being scared of any "slip ups" which lead to your partner flipping out on you and accusing you of being a bad partner is NOT healthy or normal. Relationships are to be supportive. Everyone slips up, everyone! A healthy partner will understand this and, knowing that you are trying your best, will still love and accept you, as you do the same in return when they mess up.
  9. What your partner is doing sounds emotionally abusive. I don't see you having a lack of empathy; your partner seems to be out of touch with reality. You're busy, working at home, and your partner is off for the time being. Will need safety goggles at some point soon and they like yours and ask for it, you agree. Then they decided they want NEW glasses and you explain that you don't know how to procure that exact kind and return to your work. First of all, your partner has no right getting angry for verbally expressing their needs. That is part of being an adult. No one, including you, is a mind reader. It's completely unreasonable and, frankly, insane for them to expect you to DROP WORK to go hunting for safety goggles of a certain variety that 1) could be done in your off time and 2) the goggles aren't even needed yet. When you don't meet this crazy request, you are told that you're uncaring, not empathetic, etc. so you feel bad about yourself. No, this is not right. Forget the emotional screeching from your partner and focus on the situation logically. Does this make sense? Would you do this if the tables were flipped? Could you imagine expecting your partner to READ YOUR MIND and know your desires without you telling them, then flipping out when this doesn't happen? Or wanting them to dump work (lose money/respect at work) to find safety goggles that you don't even need quite yet? Let me put it this way: read back your post to me and pretend a friend told you this same story. What would your advice be? What would you think of the partner?
  10. Just wanted to add: it's very important to remember that most of the attractive people that you see, like everyone else, have their own struggles and put on their own brave faces. They may be fitter and fit into a more conventional ideal of beauty but that alone doesn't mean that they are happy, at peace, or that they have their s__t together. A friend of mine I've known for years, she would be rated 9/10 or 10/10 on the "scale". Seriously, she's head-turner and has been for a long time. Guys lust after her, I even saw a local CL post once that I was 99.9% sure was about her. I wouldn't want her life for myself. She has placed so much stock and value in her appearance and what other people think of her that the idea of aging gives her so much anxiety, it makes her feel sick. What will happen when *gasp* she is no longer a hot commodity. Sadly, I've seen this scenario play out in a number of attractive people who put a lot of their self worth and value into their looks, my mom being one of them. Thankfully, I did not inherit her fear of aging and physical effects of that. I'm not saying there isn't value in making yourself look good physically but I think valuing it THAT much causes major issues, especially as one ages. For each attractive person you see on your trip, how many struggle with this? How many are too busy navel-gazing and worrying about how they appear in person/Instagram shots to actually enjoy a lot of their time out? Just something to think about. I think you have gotten a lot of good advice so far and don't have much to add on that front. While undergoing positive change in your lifestyle is good, I would definitely caution you against pursuing or dating until you feel back to your baseline, given that you have undergone a med change.
  11. Yes, have a think about it. And you're right, you did say something nice about yourself in your OP. It's a good trait to be able to discern between right & wrong. It also sounds like you have a good bulls__t detector, which is another plus. Given your relative age and the fact that you've been alone for a while, you'd be prime fodder for incel recruitment if you didn't have that dectection. I think the SJW may or may not be an attractive thing, depends on the woman. Notice that I said good traits, not attractive. This is because "good" doesn't always = attractive and depending on how conventional you are, you may not appeal to everyone. And that's okay. Having a couple crummy Tinder dates doesn't really tell you anything because the truth is, the vast majority of people are not for any one person. If your goal is to find a real connection, then you're going to wade through a lot of muck. But really, have a think about it: what do you bring to the table? And why do you want to find someone now? Why now?
  12. No, I don't buy that. Perfection is a fallacy as well. I don't think I've ever met a human being that didn't have at least one positive trait. Now, that doesn't mean that everyone will be able to see that trait(s) or deem them as important and I'm not saying that everyone is innately gifted in some way, like the titular characters in My Little Pony (sorry, my sister has been watching them in the background at the family home, have them on my mind lately, lol). However, each person can bring something(s) to the table. Do you really feel that you have no positive traits? If so, then why do you feel that a relationship will work out? Let's assume that your way of thinking is right here (I doubt it but play along), then put yourself into the woman's shoes. What would draw her to you and why would she want to stay?
  13. Group therapy is not really conducive to helping you work through a complicated grief process, as I'm sure you know. Do you see an individual therapist? That's the best place to unpack. I think it's worth a shot if you feel some benefit to commiserating with people in similar situations. If it makes you feel worse or you don't get anything out of it, than nah.
  14. 4 years really isn't a gap, IMO, once you are both ~23 or so. What are your approx. ages, BTW? I am just curious. Personally, I don't consider it an age gap unless the age difference is +/- 10 years. Then again, everyone is different in their comfort zone. I have friends who won't date guys who are 3+ years older whereas for me, I've primarily dated older guys (age gaps ranging from 10 years to 39 years) and I guess I don't really have a limit other than I maybe, probably I won't date someone older than my dad again. Maybe. Everyone is different in their tolerance level. Anyway, enough of that. Sounds like things are going well for you!
  15. I understand the med regimen bit. I've been on psychiatric meds for most of my life and while I've been on a stable regimen for years, I know how it feels to switch things up and I've had things go a little haywire for me in the past when I've had to get my medication adjusted. I caution against you making any choices at this time, in terms of starting to date or otherwise, until you're in a more stable place emotionally and mentally. That's not to say that you shouldn't be posting or thinking about these , that's fine, but I would wait a bit before making MAJOR changes and/or attempting to date again. I will ask you this: what do you bring to the table in terms of dating/being in a relationship? You have mentioned a lot of things that you perceive as negative (plain, overweight, pedestrian) but nothing positive. What do you bring to a relationship?
  16. Ok, I wasn't aware this is a new woman, not the original babymama. Either way, my statements still stand. He's in his mid 20s and has knocked up not one but two women - why are you signing up for this drama fest? How were your past relationships worse than this?
  17. I am so happy for you, OP! Take a day, celebrate, and then apply to jobs soon. Make sure your shots are up to date (Tdap, Hep B, etc.), get some comfortable, quality shoes that you can wear all day and wash if needed (you can and will inevitably drop bodily fluids on them), and buy some essential oil to put a few drops in your mask for when you're doing stinky tasks. Don't be guilted into picking up OT unless you want that extra money! You are going to do great!
  18. Okay, so many things to address here, I have bolded 4 different parts of your post. 1 - Yes, that is what the timeline suggests. He rolled out of his ex's bed and into your arms which conflicts with the next point... 2 - Awfully contradictory of him to insist that you have no ties to anyone else, meanwhile he has a child with another woman and just got done banging her (without protection) before meeting you. This reeks of double standards. He is fine to have ties to ex (obviously needed, as he has a child so yes, the babymama is in his life) and can screw her before meeting you, but you, you need to be completely severed. 3 - Question: is it possible that after he found out this information, he began to reconsider the relationship with you and considered going back to babymama now that baby #2 is on the way? This happens more than you think. 4 - This is called "sunk cost fallacy". It's a logical error in which you think that you've put in enough time/effort/love/money/etc. into something, so you may as well see it through or else "it's all for nothing". No. You are 2 months into a relationship with a guy who has 2 kids (one out of the womb, another in the oven baking) with a drug-addled babymama. You had sex and developed feelings. That doesn't mean that you "have" to stick around. You're under no obligation to him other than being honest/respectful. Being in a relationship does not mean "til death do us part". You're 24 years old, the world is your oyster. You can do better than this.
  19. Psych meds are up my alley in both my career and my own experience (been on Prozac for decades). I'm about your age. First off, these meds take time to have some effect. But if you're going on 5-6 weeks with very little or no improvement, it's time to talk to your psychiatrist. Doses can be titrated up or you may need to try another med all together. That's common, many people have to try a couple different meds to find something (or a couple things) that work, as in pleasedonot5's case. Buspar is a crapshoot - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. When it works, it WORKS well for that person. But that's true of every psych med out there. We don't have a complete understanding of how they work and why people can differ so much in their responses to the same drug. It's all about working with your psychiatrist and finding what works for you together.
  20. Satisfying yourself sexually (masturbation or otherwise) is a real need. He's not entitled to sex (oral or penetrative) with you everyday but you also are not entitled to police what he does with his body on his own time that is of no consequence to you. You heal up, he wacks off.
  21. What are you hoping to accomplish by waiting it out? Waiting for what?
  22. I'm going to be honest, I would have done this too.
  23. I don't feel comfortable eating indoors in public, however I will eat at a restaurant with outdoor seating. That I'm okay with. Otherwise, it's takeout for me.
  24. I do believe that reconciliation after infidelity is possible, however, it takes a long, long time and requires commitment from both sides. Also, if he's committed to earning your trust back, then he needs to be willing to give you access to all things and complete transparency and it sounds like that didn't happen. OP, how did you two "try to move past it". Did either or both of you attend therapy? What resources did you seek out?
  25. I never stopped wearing my mask indoors in public places. I've never gotten COVID and I think I can say that pretty confidently, as I was getting tested regularly (at least weekly) for most of the pandemic. My natural, more isolated status actually protected me. Let's see how long I can make it last. I haven't commented on this thread in a while but I've been reflecting more on how my life has changed. In most ways for the better, actually.
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