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Ms Darcy

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Everything posted by Ms Darcy

  1. Something I thought you might find interesting below. And there is a TON of evidence to support it ...: __________ Elder care is a final frontier in the gender wars. More than 65 percent of older people who need long-term care rely solely on family and friends, and most of those caregivers — estimates range from 59 to 75 percent — are women, according to the Family Caregiver Alliance. A recent study by a Princeton researcher found that daughters step up twice as often as sons, regardless of job status, child-care duties and other variables. The findings suggest that gender and traditional gender roles trump all. Gail Gibson Hunt, chief executive of the National Alliance for Caregiving, said women become caregivers because society expects them to. “They are still in that role even though they are in the workforce to almost the same extent as men,” Hunt said. Studies show that at work, men are even more reluctant than women to discuss their role as caregivers, especially for aging relatives, Hunt said. The lopsided emotional, mental and financial burdens shouldered by millions of women increase the odds that their health will suffer, research suggests. Seventeen percent of all caregivers say their health worsened because of their duties, and women report higher stress levels than men, according to studies cited by the Family Caregiver Alliance. /
  2. I don't think anything fruitful would come out of telling him about the exchange. You would be using the "micro" example to make a "macro" larger point. And it seems he would focus on debunking the example. Does Jay's temp job impact his unemployment insurance payments?
  3. I'm sorry for your situation. From everything you have said I agree it seems like she doesn't love you or care about you in any real way. It's really unfathomable.
  4. I wouldn't blame you if you took some space. It seems unreasonable for you to do all that running around with nothing in return.
  5. How long have you been at your current work place?
  6. There are some convenience stores that put beer next to maxi pads and diapers. That's because there are so many husbands that have to run out and get those, they noticed that beer sales go up when they are nearby. I can imagine tons of husbands with diapers in one hand and a six pack in the other. If and when you marry, these "honey please do" things become very common.
  7. I have said this to my girlfriends. Just enjoy the relationship now. Don't always obsess about where it's going or what's next, next, next. I'm glad he's in your life.
  8. Snoring may be a sign of something (e.g. a condition) more serious.
  9. These are some of the posts that happened before the recent reconciliation. I think it's interesting to go back and make some high-level observations. -I noticed that although you were going through a lot of pain, you were moving forward (as others noted of course). -I also noticed some things to reaffirm that you may be emotionally unavailable to men who might be able to engage in a healthy relationship with you but you gravitate towards the dude(s) that give you the most pain. No, you shouldn't have been dating. But the one-itis is potentially troublesome in terms of moving forward. -It sounded like you put a lot of energy into trying to read his mind. And reading into it catastrophic consequences. -Bolt's point about you wanting to go back to your source of pain is absolutely right. Sometimes that's a sign of low self-esteem. Making the one who doesn't want me want me will make me feel lovable. (Even though there are men out there who would love you in a healthier but perhaps much less exciting way). -I agreed with Sparkly's comments in bold. And further, I think much of your energy actively ignored what we knew at the time - he does shady things on the side. (A fact which has been repeated but just more egregiously). Looking back at your posts again made one thing stick out to me. I don't think it can be overstated how detrimental monitoring your ex online was to you. "Five weeks" broken up was far less between the monitoring and you seeing him around. It's hard to get someone out of your mind when there's no "no contact." It seems like your worst episodes (of anxiety, anger, bargaining, going back and forth) were in many ways connected to the monitoring of his social media and projecting you were doing about his thoughts. Putting it all together, I would suggest that if you can keep the purest form of no contact (no online monitoring, trying to stay away from places where he might show up) would actually do a lot to help you emotionally in your moving on process.
  10. It's also easy to say she needed to go back to the relationship. I do think that many posters did tell her that she needed to change things to have a healthy relationship. And in many ways, it's still true. There is a big difference between blame and responsibility. Blame is punitive. Responsibility is empowering. Anyone who goes through any breakup does well to reflect and identify ways they can deal with conflicts better in future relationships.
  11. I am not a fortune teller. I don't know if you will go back ... Especially if you don't know. I am just concerned that you are telling yourself some of the same stuff that you told yourself last time. I mean it's your life. But I think you have been emotionally unavailable for a long time.
  12. I think in time as you heal, when you go back and reread what you are writing at this point (which is quite normal) I think you will see all of the contradictions and bargaining thiughts you are struggling with. I wonder if it might help you to even write down those contradictions. Your cognitive dissonance is something that your therapist can help you with.
  13. Btw, my husband has a friend of a friend who is sort of like your ex. I don't believe he ever yells at his wife though. However, he made it clear to her that sometimes he might do things with other women on the side. And she accepts it without a word. It's not that uncommon I understand. That's why the boundaries thing is so important. You don't want that life.
  14. I really don't think the the whole "she NEEDED this to happen" is particularly helpful or healthy. No one needs to go back to a borderline abusive situation to find him lying and maybe cheating again and getting yelled at. She was only five weeks or so out of a break up of an addictive on off (and borderline abusive) relationship and got bad advice to get in touch. At least now, hopefully that will stop. Hopefully this time when you go through the bargaining stages you can rely on your emotional support network to help you through the moments when you want to go running back. If I were you, I would also specifically advise your therapist to assist you with not going back and coping strategies for that.
  15. Let me edit my comment. He is definitely wrong. My comments are more about recognizing that you are in the anger/denial/anger stage. What happens when you get to bargaining? It's harder to try to work things out when you clearly identify how your boundaries have been violated. In THAT case, you might be less likely to convince yourself that he didn't cheat therefore he wasn't REALLY in the wrong. Do you know what I mean?
  16. I think where you may get yourself in trouble is focusing on one thing. You did that during previous breakups and talked yourself into forgiving a specific incident or two. Look at the totality. Go back to the start of this thread. Not as a means to vilify him but for you to understand the repeating pattern here. If need a large sample size to understand the pattern, then look at that. Understand all that has happened. He's shown you who he is over and over. Right and wrong DOES NOT MATTER. Acceptable to you or not. That's all that matters.
  17. Since you asked ... I would have stayed away after the first breakup. I am not saying you are wrong. Just that this is a very unusual situation. Perhaps others in on off relationships can give you a comforting answer.
  18. I get the impression that you are waiting for him to contact you and apologize.
  19. I think you should reread what Jenny said. He's his own person and has been the same guy all along. The only difference is perhaps you can get to the point of realizing that you are not compatible. It's really that simple. Nothing more. Nothing less. For example, there are couples who are happy non monogamous or whatever. That's not necessarily your situation. Just an example.
  20. I need to only stick my hand in a steaming hot pot of water twice to know I should stop. Not three or four times. I'll go so far as to say how does anyone heal from a relationship that ends badly without getting back together? People go through the pain of self-reflection and time away. It takes time. It takes work. Often, it takes no contact. But, honestly, this issue seems substantively similar to past issues. At least that's my observation. Having said that, if this situation moves you out of the yearlong+ denial, then yes it's a good thing. But denial is strong with this one.
  21. You asked somewhere what you could have done. I personally think if you were still in no contact, you would be sad but you would be on your way to moving on. Time and therapy and self care would have gotten you through. So when it came that you wanted to, and were advised to, contact him, I thought it was bad advice to be honest. There's no short cut. When you end an on/off relationships, you have to get to the place of staying away no matter how much it hurts. It sounds like your therapist gives you options moreso than advises you on what to do. There's value on that obviously. It means you are responsible for ALL of your decisions and cannot blame him. I would advise you to ask him to focus on helping you leave and working on the belief that there is a healthy relationship out there for you.
  22. The only reason I would caution saying "he is the source of my pain" is IF you have this pattern with men. If you do have this kind of unhealthy pattern, AND continually make it about the specifics of what the guy is doing, it is critically important to look at yourself. In other words, you'll just be running to the next guy who is just like this and you will never find someone who actually wants to marry you and be faithful to you.
  23. I'm very sorry to hear about your cat. Is it bad that I have mourned the death of an animal more than the break up of an ex. That was so sad to hear. And cats definitely do mourn.
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