Jump to content


Platinum Member
  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Days Won


RainyCoast last won the day on July 29 2018

RainyCoast had the most liked content!

About RainyCoast

  • Birthday August 11

RainyCoast's Achievements


Veteran (13/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Posting Machine Rare
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done

Recent Badges



  1. “As soon as something is represented it becomes an image of itself, semiotically richer but existentially impoverished, alienated, drawn out of itself and extenuated—a potential commodity.” — Hakim Bey
  2. I think I get both sides of the debate. Sort of. I've been a carer to close family several times. I had, and have, zero resentment for them because it was 100% not what they would've chosen for themselves or me had they ever had a choice at all. I don't regret what I did for them in the slightest, and in fact only wish I could've done more, and better. That said, man. I'm still not entirely back to being a whole person since the last time. To say that it was brutal and detrimental to me is a severe understatement. I did it for family, if not for them, for whom? If not me, who? There was a time when I wouldn't have written someone off as a partner due to them requiring extra assistance, provided it was a legitimate need rather than a vampiric personality (perhaps the MIL Cheryl describes has that personality type on top of her objectively unfavorable condition, and there is behavior that family resent, rather than resenting her actual disability). However, some time ago, I still had some capacity to assist people to a considerate degree. That's gone now, for real. One, I've been a carer to people with extreme need for assistance, in some other past personal relationships I've been a codependent caretaker, so I'm, uhh, done, and two, I occupationally assist people in multiple ways. There's no way I could assign myself as caretaker or caregiver to a partner these days. Not so much an emotional reservation I think, at least insofar as we're talking about disability without a problematic character type, just an honest statement of how much I can extend myself these days without ending up hospitalized myself, or how psychologically drained I'd get in no time. I think many people would be equally likely to exhaust themselves to extremes this way, even more so if marked codependency tendencies are present, as they often are. While one can partner up with a healthy person who ends up needing care later on, that's certainly not the same to me as choosing someone who needs the care now, and is only going to need more as time goes on. The only way I could personality pull it off is if them or I could afford long term outsourcing. In OP's case though, I'd urge him to leave now. There was a thread on here last time I was on that pissed me off to no end. Guy dated, married, and twice impregnated a woman whom he knew from the start had several serious conditions that rendered her a suffering ruin (one of those would've been enough to render most people the same), and here he was, twelve years later, complaining of her STILL not being a perky, energetic, functional joy. For twelve frikkin years he acted like a disabled person should've acted and functioned as if not one thing was objectively crushing her to rock bottom. Why not just date, marry, and impregnate an amputee, then complain she never goes running with you! If this is what Cheryl suggests by warning OP to realistically consider the extent to which an ill person's needs tend to grow, I totally get that. Don't be the guy who later complains she's not some other, healthy woman. In no way do I get people who chose an ill person, and then complain of not getting a healthy one. And yes, as Sherry points out, those are terribly detrimental to the disabled. OP's concern of hurting her by leaving is a true portrayal of how clueless people can be of a disabled person's experience (at his age, I can understand). It is cruel to stay with her while resenting her condition. I guarantee she feels every bit of his disappointment (he's already resenting her for not being "exciting" - he is disappointed in how boring a disabled person's life is. Until he accepts what they've had to accept, that they won't hike, party hard, work a challenging job, energetically entertain their children or even change their clothes, no, he shouldn't be staying with her)-- and she's young enough for this to leave a lasting influence on how she feels about and deals with her condition and relates to others, and she already has previous experience that requires a change in who and how she chooses to get involved with in order to not cause herself permanent discouragement in living and relating to self or others with her condition. If he's feeling big, perhaps volunteering to help the disabled would be a better introduction into the lives of disabled, given the number of other people assisting, gradual and moderate taking on of chores and exposure, and the chance to get an understanding of their experience without his personal needs and expectations obscuring it. This girl will likely have a painful personal journey learning to grow despite and through her limitations. I wouldn't personally want to be the person behind her lone eventual realization the tremendous task of nourishment, encouragement, and guiltless acceptance is most likely to be best undertaken by herself and a competent, compassionate professional or two. Life has a way of sending the right partner along when one learns to do without, and certainly a way of teaching one to stand alone when they would most desire to lean on.
  3. Tell us about the family members who manipulated the doctor. What might they have told the doctor and why?
  4. Wth?? Lol Yeah people might want to provide meaningful answers based on OP's particular feelings on something. It's also entirely new to me that 6 people giving their opinion means the subject is closed for further discussion lol, but great job contributing to making the thread pointless to remain open.
  5. This isn't a rhetorical question (clarifying because for whatever reason I have yet to see a poster answer it)- What would you gain by being in touch with him?
  6. How did you just "fast forward" from what you assumed was a temporary injury, to a chronic, debilitating condition 12 years later? You got engaged to her and fathered a child despite having seen her condition isn't temporary, and now you complain of an ill person doing nothing all day and how it's affecting you. What exactly did you think? That she would "snap out of it"? That she would "drop" her illness seeing how hard her partner works and how her child needs her? That she would see the light of how terrible it is for her to just "will" herself into such a useless state? Really, I don't understand what you expected, I can only assume when someone is gravely ill you take it as overreacting or choosing victimhood. Her other conditions aside, fibro alone is what it is, many patients can't have it well managed. I shudder to think of the nerve disorder. Perhaps the doctors aren't so much useless as they are running out of ways to tell you that this is life for a very ill person, and with a very ill person. If a pain clinic would revise her regime to help with her potential opiate abuse problem that would be one of your logical next steps. I bet she could use psychological support from a professional. Other than that, I think you'd all benefit more if you started looking into outside help instead of expecting her to pick up the slack, as you make it sound. Building toxicity and resentment for a person who can't function like a healthy individual isn't bettering the situation at all by the sounds of it.
  7. You've been introduced- and have seen her how many times?
  8. I have been thinking about you the other day, remembering that you too lost your parents at a young age. I relate to the question of how much death one can handle. I have buried my everyone, family and others. For me, what was helpful, in a weird way- but still helpful- was accepting it as part of the "meaning" in my life. I was there in the last moments for many of them, for some through the entire journey, so I felt like I was escorting them to the brink of life. Put that way, it's an honor. It shows a glimpse of reverence behind the loss, and for me, that makes the loss easier to integrate into my experience here. I know a history professor who told me about how Egyptian pharaohs were kept in close connection with death in this and that way, about death being part of their daily lives, and I think (don't quote me), rituals/rites they were subjected to in order to know death up close. It makes sense- who better to rule over life, than him who has seen it from its threshold? I don't know what special purpose your own many loses have for you, but you are inquisitive and open minded, with enough of a sunny disposition to not wither in the face of such challenges- and I think that may be what makes you "the right person" to be acquainted with transience. There's a profound wisdom to it I'm sure, that's being revealed to you because you have the capacity to bear such a "gift", if that makes sense. I'm truly sorry for the loss both you and SIL are experiencing. It takes something huge to bear them with love and compassion, and you possess it.
  9. i would see a doctor to rule out hormonal causes.
  10. All the religions had very strong views about talking to the dead. And so did Mrs. Cake. They held that it was sinful. Mrs. Cake held that it was only common courtesy. — Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man
  11. “The poverty of our century is unlike that of any other. It is not, as poverty was before, the result of natural scarcity, but of a set of priorities imposed upon the rest of the world by the rich. Consequently, the modern poor are not pitied … but written off as trash. The twentieth-century consumer economy has produced the first culture for which a beggar is a reminder of nothing.” — John Berger
  12. “An image of thought called philosophy has been formed historically and it effectively stops people from thinking.” ― Gilles Deleuze, Dialogues II
  13. “It is always from the depths of its impotence that each power center draws its power, hence their extreme maliciousness, and vanity” ― Gilles Deleuze, A Thousand Plateaus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia
  14. “How many people today live in a language that is not their own? Or no longer, or not yet, even know their own and know poorly the major language that they are forced to serve? This is the problem of immigrants, and especially of their children, the problem of minorities, the problem of a minor literature but also a problem for all of us: how to tear a minor literature away from its own language, allowing it to challenge the language and making it follow a sober revolutionary path? How to become a nomad and an immigrant and a gypsy in relation to one’s own language? Kafka answers: steal the baby from its crib, walk the tight rope.” ― Gilles Deleuze, Kafka: Toward a Minor Literature
  15. Half of life is lost in charming others. The other half is lost in going through anxieties caused by others. Leave this play, you have played enough! -Rumi
  • Create New...