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Snny

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Snny last won the day on June 24 2012

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  1. Some food for thought: most people change every 5 years - especially when they start going to college @ 18-22+ years of age. It’s a completely different ballgame in college compared to high school. You are at the age of forging new friendships/relationships and leaving the high school crowd behind. I’ve been with my husband since I was 19 years old and we are both very different people now (in our mid-late 30’s) than how we started. In fact we even broke up to date others and explore other opportunities because somewhere along the line (4 year dating in) our priorities changed. Our story of getting back together and marrying happens rarely. The changes in priorities and lifestyle are why some people don’t stay together for long. Some people even divorce after being married to someone for 20 years because one spouse’s priorities changed. You either learn to be flexible and accept the changes (or change with them willingly), or decide they are dealbreakers. To be honest here, alcoholism is a massive dealbreaker for serious relationships… I would not settle for it. Trying to change your boyfriend - who is enjoying college life the way he sees fit for himself - will only backfire on you. It’s hard to say if he’s doing this because he’s enjoying the freedoms now and is “getting it out of his system” before preparing to settle for the adult world, or if he will stay a party boy and wind up becoming an alcoholic- so it wouldn’t be plausible advice to stick around and wait for him to “grow up” from the phase he’s in now. I’ve seen people like him end up on those mentioned separate paths. Just know that you chose to enroll in college athletics and accepted the guidelines for the program - he doesn’t have to do the same because you are doing it.
  2. “My ultimate question is this. Given my situation, should I even consider staying with her?” I only got to the second paragraph of your post and was like “aw Hell no.” There is nothing about her that says that she is wife material. She needs a therapist, not a husband to fix her issues. If she is that messy now, can you imagine staying with her for another 2 years? 5 years? 20? People don’t change or kick their bad habits when they get married… this is who she is and until she gets professional help, it will only get worse.
  3. I’m a one and done and had a very horrible pregnancy. I personally like having only one kid because I can has some time to focus on myself while still being Mom, save a ton of money on daycare cost/extra curricular activities / college expenses / clothing/ travel… and save my sick leave! I hear from my colleagues with COVID going around of how many times they had to burn all their sick leave because one or both of their children have to be put under quarantine. I’ve also invested in personal training and dropped over 30 lbs in one year… no way am I gaining it back by getting pregnant. as for siblings, my sister and I never got along. We barely have spoken to each other in over a year. My parents had the same mindset of feeling like they “owed” me a sibling and it backfired, especially when they played favorites. And sibling rivalry apparently runs in the family that I really don’t want a second child and have to deal with that drama. just my two cents. One child can be worth having a peace of mind and extra money in your pocket to do many great things.
  4. Honestly, 5 months is too soon. I had natural delivery and it took 10 months after having a baby for sex to not be so painful. I was also battling postpartum depression. I wouldn’t push it yet. Listen to your wife and her needs. Sex is a mutual thing.
  5. I think deciding on a kid around 26 is still too young. Most people around that age are just settling in with their careers and adult life beyond college. I was fine without having kids until I was close to 35. I have one and love her, but dealing with the terrible toddler age now… omg I miss my old pre-parenting lifestyle (COVID quarantine has made parenting worse with absolutely no breaks, date night out, or vacation). Kids/no kids are a dealbreaker in relationships. It’s funny how when you both agreed to split that he starts backpedaling about wanting to be Child-Free. Do NOT listen to any of that: he’s in the state of fear of losing you, which is a natural reaction to a breakup.
  6. Dating/being married to someone with ADHD takes a lot of patience. There is no cure for it and treatment in the beginning is experimental, trial-and-error. If he has to take medication, the effects don’t normally kick in until after 2-3 months with most prescriptions…. And he may need to switch around different prescriptions. What works for one individual with ADHD may not work for your fiancé. So even if he goes to gets resources to help manage his ADHD better now, that will take even more time… and there’s no telling how soon changes will happen. For me - a person with ADHD - it took me a year to find the right treatment. You are in for a ride if you plan to marry him, and honestly… it sounds like you are looking for a way out but are too afraid to be alone. I’m not sure why as (according to you), he’s not in a position to be very dependable. Everything that has been written about him all points to your unhappiness with this guy. 14 years is a long time to be with someone… if you aren’t happy being with him now, marriage will not resolve it. There are so many posts here about being being with their spouse for 15 years before deciding to divorce. You mentioned about wanting to go to graduate school. Do it before getting married. You might find a classmate to hook up with depending on what field you go into. I made the mistake of getting married while in graduate school, and it was Hell on Wheels. You have no social life for a few years while in grad school. That’s my 2 cents.
  7. Some things I noticed. 1. There should be no promise of “a bigger wedding in the future.” You guys get only ONE wedding day. The bigger party can be a vow renewal, but that’s years down the line. Second weddings tend to be seen as gift grabby. 2. Who is prepping the meals? Are you doing it all or having family members help out? 3. BOUNDARIES! You and your fiancé must be on the same page together about having people visit/stay at the house. Marriage is about compromise and making decisions as a unit. It is time to work in this as it will NOT get better (especially when children are in the picture). Setting boundaries now sets the tone of your entire relationship with other family members. 4. Start telling people NO and mean it. If you don’t want something at your wedding, speak up. Don’t let others treat you like a doormat. Your wedding should NEVER be a “Shut Up or Put Up” situation. People tend to get carried away with wedding planning, but it is up to you to set clear boundaries.
  8. “The United States is so cruel to their immigrants.... We're still under trump policies. We've never been this brutal to our immigrants. They're separating families.” My husband and some of his family members who have come to the US were never treated “cruelly” or were “separated.” They came here legally through the process, learned to speak English, studied hard in school to get into good internships through the medical programs, paid their loans back and got their citizenships. The only time my husband got in trouble with the police was over a speeding violation. He did not get assaulted or arrested by the police for having the “wrong” skin color or that he had an accent. He deserved the ticket because he broke the law. Please stop spreading misinformation with this fear mongering. Also, political posts are against the rules here.
  9. I married an immigrant who went through the citizenship process a couple years ago I am not sure where some people are getting the idea that marrying a US citizen means instant citizenship into the country. Nowadays that is FALSE. Your sister WILL be interviewed by Homeland Security and be asked specific questions as to how long she has met the applicant, dated him, etc. And her deadbeat husband to be better have a CLEAN criminal record and coming to the country with a trade. My husband and I were married for four years when he applied, but I had dated him for 10 years prior to our marriage and was able to prove it. Even on the citizenship application it mentions about being married for at least three years before being considered for citizenship so that it is not a sham marriage to help get citizenship. Homeland Security cracks down on this stuff pretty hard.
  10. I would toss adoption out. Most adoption centers DO NOT adopt children out to couples who are 40+. I’ve known people who have tried but were denied because of their age. They don’t want foster parents who are aging/retiring soon and cannot afford to support children. You also mentioned not wanting kids because it’s expensive. Just wait until you see how much it costs to go through adoption. It is much more expensive to go through adoption with the fees, evaluations, and inspections. Sorry, but a biological child is the only way.
  11. “I had to work in a porn complaint department, and I've seen every horrid type of child porn and human trafficking cases you can imagine. This hardened my views on porn significantly. Please don't tell me its normal and healthy, because I still have nightmares 20 years later.” So what exactly are you looking for here? The mentioned stuff is ILLEGAL - users possessing those should be prosecuted. But pornographic images between consenting adults is completely different. And if you have nightmares about viewing this material then you definitely should seek help. Personally I would snap if I was forced to watch something like those. ”He was on dating sites, flirting lightly on Facebook and other shady behavior also.” if I ever caught my husband doing that online behind my back, I would file for divorce without hesitation. Going on dating sites? Hell no, That’s grounds for cheating. I had an ex boyfriend sign up for a dating website and was cheating (he tried to play the “I’m just curious” BS line too like the creep that he was). I agree there’s a bigger problem than the porn. It does sound like your husband is looking for a way out and can’t say it to your face. If marriage counseling doesn’t work... either go to a different counselor or call it off. But for me, my husband cheating on me would be the final straw.
  12. I have been in the same situation before. Loved 3 hours away. What made me move on was that my boyfriend didn’t have a direction and just drifted in school. I was on my final year of graduation and wanted an adult relationship with someone who was about to be financially ready. The guys I dated did not seem to be the kind of people I wanted to settle for. Meanwhile, the ex-boyfriend realized he had majorly F-ed up by losing me and by taking school seriously - he changed his tune by transferring into med school and became a registered ER Nurse. We reconnected at a mutual friends party. Got married after 10 years of dating due to the distance of school/careers I’m not saying the same will or will not we happen to you. What mattered was making a solid game plan of moving out of a LDR. If you all don’t have any plans to move closer, then make a clean break from this relationship. I agree with Lost that it is not fair to the guy you are seeing to jump back and worth - have a one night stand and then be together with another man.
  13. Not sure how it’s like in your area, but I had to be on waiting lists for a few MONTHS before moving my daughter to a different daycare. A month is too short.
  14. If you consider adoption, I would get on it now. It is a very lengthy process, and many adoption centers will not adopt children out to couples who are 40+ years old. The longer you wait, the more difficulty you will have at adopting. Apply for it as you get a second dmedical opinion. ”And at your age, it is a challenge to have kids even with two otherwise healthy people. So there is also that to consider. “ Unfortunately Lambert is correct. Children who are born from women over the age of 35 have a high risk of developing significant developmental disabilities such as autism. Doesn’t always happen and some women get lucky, but the risks is there. You would also be a high risk pregnancy too which is no fun (expect C-section birth).
  15. He... FORCED you? How do? By putting a gun to your head? Doubt it. That decision is on you. If you are having a lot of anxiety in regards to entering a relationship I agree with seeking some counseling. It’s time to overcome this issue.
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