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browneyedgirl36

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Everything posted by browneyedgirl36

  1. I was wondering this too, and to me (I could be wrong, of course) it seems as though you're trying to be friends with this guy, including seeing him (even for a few hours), etc. -- not because you really WANT to, but because you feel obligated for some reason. The feelings you're having -- that you're being manipulated/talked into things -- are spot-on indicators that something is amiss. Your reluctance and frustration with the situation are your intuition talking to you, loudly. Don't ignore it. Something isn't right with this guy; I can tell just from what you've said about him.
  2. Me too, Darcy -- I have been much sadder about a pet's death than the death of a romantic relationship in the past. Reinvent, you're just grieving several things at once, and your job is kind of stressful on top of that, right? It's totally normal to feel "cranky." You've got a right to it! When I'm having days like that, I just say to myself, "This day just isn't a good one, but I'm just going to do the best I can. Tomorrow will be different." Hang in there! (P.S. I am so sorry about your kitty. She was SO beautiful, and clearly so well-loved.)
  3. I understand re-living those stories, especially early on, and sometimes it can actually be helpful in the moving on process. A friend once told me that a therapist told her that, whenever she thought of her ex and wanted him back or felt like she might give him another chance, she should think of the worst thing he ever did or said to her and how she felt when he did/said it. In her case, it was he ex chasing her with a pan of boiling cooking oil, trying to throw it on her! My "worst" incidents with my ex were all emotional -- no physical abuse -- but it still helped me to recall how bad his words/actions made me feel. It wasn't about villifying him to make myself feel better, but rather about reinforcing that he was entirely wrong for me. Now, I don't even remember most of the hurtful things he did/said -- I've forgotten them and/or blocked them out. At the time, though, early on, it was useful for me to remember them. It's still early days for you. Gradually, these thoughts will fade, as will the need to re-tell various incidents from the relationship. Right now, though, I think it may be helping you to get past the sadness by recalling S more realistically (as opposed to only thinking of the good times). Hang in there! Your trip will keep you occupied, for sure!
  4. Exactly. The one time I broke up with someone-- my first boyfriend ever -- I told him that I really DID want to be his friend, down the road, if ever there came a time when he was ready. I also told him I totally understood if he didn't want to be my friend, ever, and that I would accept whatever decision he made. And I never contacted him again (he contacted me from time to time, and we DID end up being friends). I did miss him sometimes -- just because he was a great guy and it definitely was a loss to me -- but I never told him that. I would NEVER have given him any false hope. That's just cruel. I'm sorry this happened. I know it hurts, but I'm glad you told S no more contact. I hope he'll honor that request.
  5. Agreed. Something REALLY bad must have happened to S in the past to make him so un-trusting and so insecure. Or, he has really low self-esteem (or some combination thereof. Regardless, I'm not sure it's something he'll ever get past if he hasn't by now. I'm sorry, reinvent. I know how painful it is when you think something could really be going somewhere, and it abruptly ends. It's probably better, in the long run, though, as it sounds like S has issues that he has never worked through.
  6. Hmmm...I hope you don't think I'm being harsh here, but...it sounds like you're trying to explain away S's VERY (in my opinion, at least) passive-aggressive comment. It sounds as though he's trying to equate you going out with your girlfriends (and the occasional guy friend showing up) with him "going to happy hour" and "talking to a bunch of women. NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL! You have EVERY right to go out with your girlfriends, without him, and if men happen to be there and you happen to have a conversation with one of them...so what? It's not the same thing as going out to happy hour and actively, purposefully surrounding yourself with members of the opposite sex and chatting them up. Men and women most certainly CAN be friends -- and they can definitely have platonic conversations. Sheesh! reinvent, I appreciate that you're trying to give this guy a chance, but...I feel like you're maybe giving him a bit too much of a chance here. His trust issues are not your problem, and his attempts to equate you going out with friends -- for the express purpose of seeing your friends and catching up with them -- with him going to happy hour with the express purpose of chatting up women -- well...it's totally transparent, and it says a LOT about his issues. I'm not saying it's not fine to include him in your friend hangouts sometimes. My boyfriend has been invited to hang with me and my friends on occasion, and he's going to Easter brunch with me and some friends of mine -- a yearly tradition) -- but I don't feel compelled to invite him. I can do things without him -- and he without me -- without any worries on either person's part. He knows I'm not going to pick up any men -- or even flirt with them -- and I know he won't hit on women, either. As I've said before, it's early days, and these things tend to get much worse -- not better -- as time goes on and more of a person's character is revealed. You're a great lady. You don't need this stuff!
  7. Agree. You've only been seeing him for three months -- maybe 3-day weekends are too much at this stage? I am like you -- I need a lot of space, and if someone is wanting too much togetherness, too early on, I freak out a little. My current boyfriend and I fit well in that regard. He has two children, of whom he has 50% custody, so he has them a lot. When we first met, and I hadn't met them yet, we could only schedule time when they weren't around. Thus, we were able to ease into seeing each other more frequently. We had our first "overnight" at about 5 or 6 months in (which I know seems a slow pace for a lot of people, but it was perfect for us), and our first full weekend together at about 9 months in (again, slow pace, but perfect for both of us). Our first full-on vacation (about 10 days) will take place this summer, nearly 18 months in. The thing is, this works for both of us -- we've discussed it and agreed it does -- but it only works if BOTH people want it, so if S is wanting more, and you're wanting less, that's definitely an incompatibility. As for the "honeymoon high," it seems a bit early for that to have worn off already. I still have it, after a year. I realize my situation isn't everyone's, but I think if you really felt compatible with S, and felt really content with him, it wouldn't have worn off this soon. I'm stunned at the number of posters who report having arguments -- sometimes really big ones -- after only a few months of dating. I don't feel I even know someone well enough to argue at that point! The bottom line: Yes, this COULD be part of a pattern for you -- one of retreating when things get TOO intense, and I applaud you for really thinking about that and considering it as a possiblity -- but... also consider the possibility that you may just feel incompatible with S (and with others with whom you've had this same issue), and that maybe your concern about diving in headfirst to spending a lot of time together is your reaction to red flags, rather than a problem you have with commitment and availability. I once had a therapist tell me, after she had heard all about my off/on ex, that I should consider the possibility that I am emotionally unavailable. I really took it to heart, and even read a bunch of stuff that "confirmed" for me that I indeed was "emotionally unavailable." I got really sucked into that idea, and I actually became anxious over it for awhile. The thing is, I am VERY available -- emotionally and otherwise -- in my current relationship, and I know why: It's because this guy feels RIGHT to me; we're compatible in every important way. I can be TOTALLY myself around him, and he around me. We can talk about anything -- even embarrassing or difficult stuff. I trust him. He trusts me. I don't live in fear of him disappearing on me, and he feels the same (we just had this conversation the other night). SO....I can conclude that, while I DID have issues that led me to choose to engage with my ex for far too long -- and with a few other guys in my past that I should have dropped like a sack of rocks from the get-go -- I think it was more about self-esteem and loneliness than emotional unavailability. My "pattern" of choosing the wrong guy was more about how I viewed myself at the time than it was about some fundamental unavailability of mine. Anyway...my take is that the red flags are waving for you, and that's why you're backing off. The argument you had last weekend just cemented your doubts, I think. If you need to give it more time, definitely do so, but...don't give it too much time if it's not getting any better. Life's too short to be stuck in relationships that don't enhance our lives.
  8. Reinventmyself, I looked back at your journal to see where you began dating S (I couldn't remember, but I thought it hadn't been long). It's only been since November, so not even three months. At this stage, especially long distance, when you aren't seeing each other 24/7, it seems too early for these kinds of intense arguments. This early on, if you are already having this kind of conflict -- where he has to "win" and you end up "losing" -- it just doesn't sound promising. When you described the argument you had over the weekend, what I took from it was that he feels very justified in explaining things YOU have done that have upset him, and he expects you to listen (which you did) and offer a formal apology (which you say you didn't literally apologize, but you DID say you understood, empathized, etc). On the other hand, if YOU have concerns, it sounds like he dismisses them -- or at least minimizes them -- until you get really upset, at which time he starts backpedaling to keep the peace, to keep you from leaving, etc. In other words, it sounds like he's just trying to placate you -- that he's not really sincere about changing his behavior. If this kind of thing is starting so early on, it's not a good sign, in my opinion, and I'd be worried about what else would reveal itself over time, particularly if you end up living closer -- or living together at some stage. While relationships aren't supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows, in the first few months, at least, there shouldn't be any significant conflicts, but if there are, that's usually a good sign of incompatibility. I'm not advising you to break up with him immediately or anything, but I think you may find that, if it's already starting to get rough at this stage, it will get rougher. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
  9. I agree -- enjoy the generosity. There's another thread by a poster who said that a guy was buying her a new refrigerator, introducing her to his parents, declaring his love, etc. -- after two weeks. THAT would be scary! In this case, it sounds like he's just being thoughtful and kind. My boyfriend and I have a running joke about pillows. I have a TON of them -- four on my bed, plus five "decorative" pillows, plus a bunch of other decorative pillows throughout my house. When he met me, he had four pillows -- one on each of his kids' beds, and two on his. No decorative pillows. No cushions. Nothing. He joked that the pillow-to-person ratio in his house was four pillows to three people, while mine was 27 pillows to one person. The first time I stayed over at his house, several months into our relationship, I found that he'd purchased two new pillows for his bed, mainly so I would be more comfortable and have what I was used to having at my house. I thought this was adorable! And, he said, after sleeping on them, "I never understood having more than one pillow per person -- now I do!" I don't have a drawer in his dresser yet, but he keeps Diet Cokes in his fridge for me (and I keep his favorite beer in mine). It's just thoughtfulness on both of our parts. Anyway...sounds like your guy is thoughtful and kind. Enjoy it!
  10. Best. Response. Ever. Maybe now he'll get the hint? (Probably not, but you can always hope, right?)
  11. Wow. He's a real piece of work. He reminds me of a child throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get the toy he wanted at the store. I'd half expect him to hold his breath and lie on the floor, kicking and flailing!
  12. I suggest taking a finite amount of time -- maybe 30 minutes -- to look for the key. Then, if you can't find it, leave him a note on your front door (in case he stops by), saying "M, thanks for bringing back the chair. At present, I can't find your key, but I will put it in the mail to you when I do." (Or, you might change the "when" to "if.") It's not like you're the type to break into his house, but if he's that anxious about it, he can go change his locks.
  13. I you've already told him not to contact you, then definitely don't contact again. I would send his key in the mail with a note saying simply: "Here's the key. Keep the chair." Just keep not responding. Eventually, he'll give up.
  14. Ah...I didn't realize she had told him this; I saw the posts where he was talking about taking her out for dinner, and she was responding to his texts -- I thought she was still in sporadic contact with him and didn't realize she had told him already not to contact any more.
  15. I think that you're going to have to resort to something semi-drastic -- or at least a little dramatic -- in order for M to get the message. I think you should send him an e-mail or text -- DON'T call him, lest he get all passive aggressive/manipulative on you -- saying, in essence, "M, I thought it was understood that our relationship is over. You have made repeated attempts to contact me, even though I have blocked your number and have not been responding to your various attempts. The blocking and not responding is because I don't wish to have any further contact with you; I ask that you respect my wishes on this matter. Please refrain from contacting me or making attempts to see me. I will not be responding further." Then...no more responses, no matter WHAT he tries. Even if he blows up your phone from other numbers (in this case, you may need to change yours). If you tell him, flat out "I do not wish to hear from you again or be in any type of contact with you" and then go silent, unless he is totally clueless or nuts, he should back off. If he persists, and you respond AT ALL, he will just keep trying. I always recommend that people -- especially women -- read Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear. In it, he talks about how, if someone calls 20 times and you don't answer but then you finally break down and answer, all you're teaching that person is that 20 phone calls is what it takes to get you to respond. He has some really great points about restraining orders, too -- about how they are essentially useless unless someone is just clueless and doesn't get the hint (though they rarely work for abusive and/or unstable people). I hope M isn't dangerous -- and I suspect he poses no physical danger to you -- but he is absolutely, most assuredly VERY manipulative, and he sounds impulsive and a bit controlling. Just because he may not be dangerous in a physical sense doesn't mean he can't be a danger to your emotional well-being and peace of mind. I hope he stops contacting you on his own, but I think you may have to take one, final hard line with him, which you haven't done up to this point.
  16. Me too. "Teach you a lesson"? Who does he think he is?! So condescending and just....ridiculous. Glad to hear you're done with him. He's extremely manipulative and emotionally stunted.
  17. Good for you, D. Yes, he's apologetic now -- it's a strategy to reel you back in. If you were to give him another chance, the same thing would happen again -- I guarantee it. I think it's great you're going off with friends for your birthday -- best remedy for stress!
  18. I'm sorry it happened this way, but...I think in the long run, you will be glad. You are correct: He has the conflict resolution skills of a five-year-old. Throwing text temper tantrums, goading you into breaking up with him -- yuck. This is not how adults behave. Honestly, it sounds like a teenager creating drama for the sake of drama. You are well rid of him. And, I agree with the other posters who said that yes, while you are the 'common denominator' in all of your relationships ending -- in terms of you walking away -- I think you only walk away as a last resort and that you put up with quite a bit of stuff before you do. I'm sorry that you're feeling bad but glad to hear that you have plans for your birthday with your friends -- enjoy that (and the freedom of NOT having to worry about what M is thinking or doing!)
  19. What is it that you're finding the most hard? I'm curious, because it seems to me that this is a situation where you are just totally incompatible. I will reiterate what I said in a previous post awhile back, I think his emotional intelligence is far below average -- especially for someone his age. Do you fear hurting him? Do you fear being alone? Do you fear not being able to find anyone else? Or is it something else? It just seems, from where I'm sitting, that the handwriting's on the wall that this isn't going to work long-term. You're not that far into the relationship -- less than a year -- and all this tension and drama and anxiety? If I were you, I'd be exhausted! Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard near the beginning. Certainly, there can be small disagreements, but...it just seems like you're spending an awful lot of time "taking space" from one another and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm sorry you're going through this, but...I think you might need to call an end to this one.
  20. Well, I can understand why you'd shut down! You've been trying to engage him in discussion about certain issues, and he doesn't want to, but then gets all "sad" at the prospect of the relationship being over. That would shut a lot of people down, for sure. I guess now you have to decide what you want to happen when you see him on Friday; what do you want to talk about, and what do you need to hear/see from him in order to be able to move forward with the relationship. And, what do you plan to do if he DOESN'T step up and say/do what you need him to do? I understand wanting to give him a fair chance to work things out, but he needs to be willing to listen and work on some things, rather than avoiding the issues and getting all 'sad' when you shut down on him because he isn't addressing your needs. I hope all goes well -- let us know!
  21. I get what he's saying about having these conversations in person, but....he can't at least CALL to talk? He can send cutesy pictures and stickers all day (his frozen dinner...really?!!?) but he can't pick up the phone and at least call to talk about some issues? I don't know, reinventmyself. He sounds like he has major communication issues, especially for someone his age. Has he even tried to set up a time to talk about your issues? It would be a solid, good faith move on his part if he did, one that, for me, would at least indicate that he's serious about working on things and not trying to avoid them. I hope he gets his act together and makes time to talk to you about this.
  22. True! And I know I said some things that may have not been what you wanted to hear, too, but I think it definitely helps to hear other perspectives. I understand that this is a journal, and you're not always going to talk about the good or great stuff that happens, but...the things you ARE talking about seem to be kind of big, especially for a relationship that's pretty new. It seems like he has a communication issue, for sure -- the shutting down, saying you're "butt hurt" (which I would find really immature and offensive if it were me) and then sounding sad that he can't get it right. The thing is, he CAN. If you've told him several times how you feel/what you want, and he makes an attempt but doesn't keep trying -- that would be frustrating, to say the least. He CAN change his behavior in the bedroom -- you've already told him how you feel more than once. I guess I just don't understand being told that something I'm doing is frustrating/upsetting/hurtful/etc. to someone and NOT making a concerted, consistent effort to change that behavior. If, for example, my guy said, "You know, it really bothers me that you don't call me more. It would mean a lot to me if you called me once a day," if I really wanted to make the relationship work, I'd do it (unless there was something urgent that interfered with my ability to call.) It seems like you were unsure about him early on, too, which is why I'm bringing these things up. Trust me, I know firsthand about having dated guys who were NOT good for me, and wanting to break that pattern, wanting to give a different type of guy a chance. That's definitely a good idea -- you just need to make sure you're being honest with yourself about whether you're sticking with him because you REALLY want to be with HIM, specifically, or if you're sticking with him because he's a "good" guy and you feel like you should. In any case, if you have a week without him around to sort things out, maybe that week will give you time to ruminate on things, including your ex. Have you considered why you keep responding to your ex? I'm not judging you for doing that -- just wondering if there are things unresolved there for you. There clearly are for him! I hope things work out for you. Generally, they work out the way they should, in my experience. Whatever happens, you'll be OK.
  23. I think so too, actually. I think I've only commented once or twice here, but I've read the whole journal, and that's the feeling I'm getting. I know how tempting it is to stick with someone because he seems like a really good guy, and dating is extremely hard these days, and you think you might be making a mistake by letting him go. These are all perfectly normal things to think, of course, but...I don't know. I've read several threads on here recently about fairly new relationships -- ones of six months or fewer -- where there already seem to be conflicts, and for me, that would be the signal that maybe it wasn't a good fit. It's one thing if the relationship has been going on for a year or more and conflicts arise, but...in early days (the first few months), if you're already having significant arguments, taking "space" from one another, breaking up and getting back together, that seems like a sign. Just my thoughts. You were definitely having these doubts long before your ex contacted you, so I don't think this has much to do with him (though his contact and profession of feelings probably didn't help the situation). Mark sounds like a good person in many ways, but he also sounds like he could be a difficult person to have a longterm relationship with, and while he may be a good person overall, that doesn't necessarily mean he's good for you. I once had to break up with someone who, by all accounts, was a "great guy" but who, ultimately, wasn't the best guy for me. It was hard to do, but to this day, I have no regrets (other than really devastating him at the time -- but I don't regret my decision to break up). Maybe this week will give you time to think more on this and come to some decisions.
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