elusivejc

Hey thanks for the replies. I'm 23, and yeah I have almost completed a degree in something that could be very profitable, so no argument there. Again I'm not in pain, I just don't care anymore. I drive as fast as I can get away with (you can tell I'm a bit of a car person, that's where my career is going), because I'm not afraid. If I have to fix something at a high place I'll just do it, so what if I fall, I'm pretty cluey and know I won't but so what if I do. I don't think I'd ever bother to die as a conscious decision, just if I did I'd not be worried about myself, but about what it'd do to mum. It seems odd that that's the only reason I can think of why it would be a bad thing if I were not around. It's like killing myself is just as reasonable an option as making a successful career, like I almost think about both equally. I spose when something good happens on the career front it's cool and feels good and I think less about the dying option, but anything bad happening had the opposite effect. Like for most people they have to be absolutely emotionally destroyed to want to kill themselves, like if normal is 5 and extatic is 10, then suicide would be 0.1. For me suicide is anything below 5, if life is not being fun and since it's pointless anyway, anything less than a neutral 5 is justification. Re: finding someone I spose my reason for coming here is cause I've pretty much accepted that can't ever happen, I've had something fall apart before it began recently and life has dipped below the 5 mark for a few months. It's annoying, by age 16 I'd accepted nothing could ever happen for me, at 19 something started that lasted a bit more than a year which subsequently exploded. I held the confidence that things could always happen until this the second opportunity which seems to have confirmed my original conclusion, and that the first gf was just a rare and strange anomaly...The reasons for that are hazy but the result is quite certain. That dip below five is almost a mechanical reaction, it's not an emotion really, it's just an assessment of how much fun it isn't. It's like I've taken lifetime of emotional energy and burned it all up in a few short years, now I'm just worn out and careless. BTW thanks for the do something crazy idea, I agree that getting out and doing something exciting would help things and am still pondering taking hang gliding courses - just the career might get in the way of that yet. Thanks for the time JC

Hey does anyone else get the impression they've been sad, then miserable, then depressed, then not really had anywhere to go but numb? I feel like I've dealt with enough and realised enough to see that I'm just not a worthwhile existence on the planet. It's not misery, it's not sadness it's not depression, it's just really the casual contemplation that I'm not worth anything to anyone. The thought of what is the point of making a living for the next 50 years just to have nothing to show for it, be constantly aware that no matter what I do is of no interest to anyone, and die alone, having meant nothing to anyone but family whome have an interest merely to the extent of what's socially expected of them. Why should I have to put up with laws that stop me from annhialating people who can't drive when my only contact with the human world is being a taxpayer and traffic? I just don't see the point if nothing I do matters, I could have an exciting career, keep myself entertained, be loving it, but it all seems kind of empty without someone being there to enjoy it with me... I'll finish there, I just want to see if anyone else feels so consciously and calmly aware that they are meaningless like myself and don't see the point... JC

Perhaps cheaters aren't really bad when you get to the core, but they are and show a massive weakness in themselves. Trust in a relationship is one of the absolute fundamentals, and as unhealthy as it is to be very careful about trusting your partner, it's a million times worse to finally trust them and have it shattered. I accept an 'accident' once, because there just may be the extreme circumstances that cause it. I would never accept 'trying to find happiness'. That tells me that this person has never had the strength to face me on any issues, and just went along with it. Then they would be in a position to cheat and would ignore the relationship in favour of the fling. Tha's pathetic. If you're not happy in a relationship, then TALK about it, it's really not difficult to do, just say what you're thinking. That's the only way to either solve the issue or recognise the issue as unresolvable and part ways. It feels worse when someone cheats because when you break up it's essentially the result of a choice they made, and you feel like the power over the relationship has been taken out of your hands. Like they've gone and made up their minds and might one day fill you in on their decision, like they're all powerful. People: Don't cheat. Don't string on the one you used to love because you are too weak to face it. When there's an issue, bring it up immediately, resolve it, or accept it as a relationship flaw. If there's enough flaws that can't be resolved, then deal with it and move on. You should never be in a situation where you don't like your relationship, unbeknownst to your significant other, and are in a position to be tempted by other people. If your relationship is good there's no excuse to cheat, and so long as you keep it in check it will stay that way or you will amicably split. Then it should be months for you to get over what you had and are able to face someone new. Do not use a rebounder. Do not jump in someone else's bed just after you've told your partner about some unresolvable differences. That hurts, and it makes you doubt your desire to trust people. TEJC

Phew well I'm relieved that this viscious cycle seems pretty common - not that I'd wish it on anyone - but helps to feel a little bit more normal. For the most part I feel like I am alien with human adopting parents with the feelings I get. pip I'm right there with the overanalysing thing, I do it with everything though, is that the same with you? But I can't really figure out how you're supposed to forgive someone who spent 3 months telling you they love you while secretly hoping and ensuring the relationship rots of its own accord so that they can get rid of you remorselessly. Basically she told me afterwards (yea, thanks!) that she felt ostracised by her friends for her mere association with me and started liking some older guy. It seems so brutal and I can't see what there is to forgive and how. I just don't get how. TEJC ps yeah I'd actually probably wish the cycle on my ex!!

I really hope it does cause that's exactly where I'm at. Though I've a plethora of self diagnosed issues that cloud my judgement, there's definitely a lot to be angry about and also a lot to miss. I could see a pic of my ex one day and see the devil's horns poking out while I feel like punching something, and the next grimmace and hold back tears of remorse and sadness and wishing it was like the old days. I have a feeling, after three months of completely off the scale emotions, that neither hate or reflection are helping, and that the holy grail will be the day I stop thinking anything, good or bad, about her. I thought I was over her a few weeks ago, but I've traversed another circle it seems. Hope that helps you, TEJC

Hey, just thought I'd share this while my tears dried. I've noticed that the way my depression works is that the better day I have, the worse the blues are to follow. Almost like an inversion sort of thing. Often when I have an average day, I just feel feel flat that night, but today was a good day, was in a lecture where two cute girls flanked me and tried to outdo each other in interest in me. Tonight though, after finding a fail mark for a class test on the net, I was studying and found a problem difficult. I then got a flood of how useless I am and thought all over again about nice gruesome ways to die like being dragged behind a car, relishing the pain before I died. Has anyone else felt like the more extreme a mood they have, the more inverse they're mood once a swing comes around? TEJC

I suppose there is a reason I bring up the question of fault, even though in hindsight I agree that I did totally hang myself out to dry. And that is, is there a responsibility on the 'dominant' half of a relationship to ensure equality, or is it general human nateure to take as much as possible and give as little, in which case I should accept the fact evermore? I've never been known to like playing those sorts of interpersonal games of tug of war, though I've never been on the dominant side and weilded the power. I liked the ideals of being in a relationship just for the happiness, and not try to play a power game, like in the early stages where this disparity wasn't there. Is that a silly fantasy I should push out to sea or should I try to retain it in some modified form? TEJC

OK I'm not sure you got the full impression, I sound like I've described the devil incarnate. While we were alone she seemed loving and caring and a nice person. But enter anyone else, she'd completely change her tune, I'd be second best to anyone she'd care to mention. Though it wasn't always like that, I'd have noticed it if it was, it was a very slow transition that I didn't really notice. I forgave her for doing what she did while I was away because she seemed to have hurt herself just as much me, and she was so sad about it that she seemed genuinely sorry. Maybe in 20 years I'll look back and think I was a fool, but it seemed the right thing to do at the time. I've been described as someone who thinks too much, I don't know if it's always a bad thing though. But this post was more about thinking emotionlessly about myself thus the organisation. Questions: 1. Was it my fault that I got walked over? Did I leave myself open to abuse? 2. Will I learn from it or will it happen over and over again with future girls because it's such a subtle change? Or will I be hypersensitive to it and jeopardise future relationships through avoiding being a doormat? 3. Will I have the guts in future to do the breaking up with someone who's slowly wrapped me around their finger or will I put up with it to avoid being alone? Being alone the last 2 months has really sucked, and given the completely not going to happen hypothetical that she wants me back, I used to think, no way, but I feel like I'm starting to get so lonely that I'd put up with crap to get companionship. It's depressing to be so totally on the ball about the situation but still not be able to control my emotions and needs. I think about it so much that I have considered every possibility and settled on 'the doormat' as the reality of it, but still I think about the good parts and start thinking all over again That old friend of mine, I put out my hand for a handshake and she said 'oh gimme a hug silly', and just a simple hug, my god it's so strange for something so simple to feel so warm and nice, reminds me what I used to get any time I wanted it. I wish I wasn't such a sucker for that stuff. And the stuff about kiling myself, that came up about 3 weeks ago, I was feeling really down, feeling like everything's my fault, there's no solution to anything, I'm no good at anything, I'm too late at my age to catch up, there's no hope, I'm going to live this crazppy life if I like it or not. Felt really bad. Now I think about it as just one of many possibilities that is feasible because it may just be that I can't change myself anymore. Re changing, some days I think I don't need to change, this is me and the world should deal with it, other days I think about how inadequate I am and how much self improvement I need. Moodswings get me down, I want to be stable, but they suck the energy out of me. I feel so lethargic most of the time, and every simple task is a massive effort. Then I get down thinking I can't change even if I want to because I haven't the physical or mental energy left to do so. Feelings of being stuck with what I have. And I hate how being such a considered thinker that it drives my moodswings, I consider everything, over and over again. Sometimes I wish I was really simple and didn't think like I did. If anyone's read the book, I feel like the Man from Mars, very intelligent but have trouble naturally adapting to normal human behaviour. Most people think I'm a very simple person, but I think I'm a hive of intellectual thought wrapped in a very undeveloped social being. I hate being so different. Somehow I have a complete "Theory of Everything" but can't small talk. That's enough of the cross examination for now, your thoughts? TEJC ,

Hi people, thanks for your time again, need to vent. I've posted my situation before, but after a walk in the cold night air I think I've thought more clearly and have something useful to go off to describe it. BTW I feel like I've burdened my real world friends enough thus is why I'm here, I hope I'm not looking like a whining type here, sorry if I am! Timeline in history: 1983=>2002 never had a girlfriend, Oct 02 Meet gorlfriend Dec 02 First night together March 03 Basically living together (kinda sorta) July 03 I go on trip to UK to see family July 03 Girlfriend gets lonely and almost gets with teammate of mine. July 03 I arrive back and hear her story: "I was afraid I was never going to see you again, because I know how much you want to relocate to England eventually. I was so lonely and cried almost every night. Then he came over and we ended up on my bed him on top, then I told him to go home." It took a long time to come to terms with it and finally saw reason to forgive her - nothing really happened, and it was an emotionally confusing time. Though I saw a more evil streak in the teammate that 'comforted her'. Sept 03 She's 'not happy with things', and talks about breaking up: I'm not sure if I was being a solid minded fighter or just a pathetic hanger-on, but I convinced her that there was more left in us, and that it was just a hard time. I felt like she was getting desensitised to all the good times, and was being negative and focussing on the bad points. Oct 03 Have 'remedial weekend away'. Loved it, had a slight feel of being 'necessary', but was mostly really cool and so nice and peaceful... Mmmm good memories. Oct 03 We both move our respective houses through necessity. Unfortunately we are now an hour apart on the crappy transport system. Christmas Eve 03 She's taken off on an unexpected trip to see her parents, I sense something's not right. I get in contact on MSN and quickly it becomes obvious that she's broken it off from a distance. Since: She's taken a fancying to her flatmate and, quite honestly of her, told me of all the nightly bedroom activities she's been carrying out. I've been an erratic mess that is constantly feeling like everything's my fault yet I don't know how. I feel like crap, get depressed, occasionally consider killing myself because I can't see anything good about myself worth carrying on into a long life. Notes on relationship: After July things are tough but it seems just like a hurdle on the way to a solid relationship, same with the breakup discussion, seemed like a 'what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger' sort of thing. In hindsight I think I might've seemed desperate after that. Up until July, everything's perfect, literally, most beautifully magical thing you can imagine. After it she feels very gulty and like she's oweing a great debt. I make it clear to her that I've accepted it and am happy to move on. After July too, she meets a friend of mine, they quickly become best friends. He only has female friends really and is a kind of effeminate guy. Though my general social shortcomings (I've posted to death about that, and I'm probably still not finished) do me no good here, and it feel like she's losing respect for me. When me and her were one on one, it was fine, no issues, but as soon as others came into the picture she'd take everyone else's side and treat me like crap. Example: I often used to drive to pick her up from work, and that'd be fine. But one day her new best friend - my old mate was in the passenger seat coming for a ride. When I pulled up, she looked in, got a really furious look on her face, thought for a second, and sent me to the back seat so she could drive instead. In hisdsight I should have been disgusted but I accepted it because it wasn't who she always was and the balance of good/bad was good. Though she started talking about me with all her friends and writing me off about everything. Eventually though I feel she lost all respect for me and decided to call it quits, then no sooner go and get 'friends with benefits' with her flatmate (10 years older, she's ~20). I feel ripped off because I gave everything I had, although that possibly doesn't amount to much, and she took the initiative to keep her complaints to her friends and not me, until she decided to give up and throw it away THEN tell me all her complaints. To me it feels like for the last 6 months of us she was just stringing me along until she felt like she had something better available. Meanwhile my self respect took a beating to keep things alive. I know in myself that it's a one in a thousand blue moons I get the opportunity to share my life with a pretty, clever, indepentent person, and I feel like a dose of death now because I let my fear of loneliness walk me along the line of being a complete toy. And I know now that I'm going to spend many more years alone before anything special comes my way again, and that I'm going to have to 'sit in the corner' of my mind as a sort of punishment. I find it depressing to think that I can't have my self respect and a close partner simultaneously. It's depressing to think that I'm so not worth having that I'll get so few opportunities to find someone meaningful to me that I have so sell my dignity to make it so. It's just generally depressing to think that the very person who knew me better than anyone else is the very person who's now happy to put a million miles space between me and her. It's like 'well, so that's what happens when people get close to me, they're repulsed', 'I spose the very core of my being is so undesirable that I thould keep it hidden well away and put on a facade, if I ever want to have companionship'. It's depressing to think that I'm that person that noone will ever want to spend time with. And more depressing is after I read that back it reinforces in my mind how pathetic I must be. I don't want to be like that but it seems like my curse and I don't know what I'm to do about it. Every time I try to be positive, and be who I want to be, it always comes crashing down and I feel like crap and want to isolate myself from the world all over again, and get more pessimistic about my chances of living a normal life. Arrgh, give me a reason to live other than 'because my family will feel bad', because that's a really bad reason to feel like living a crap life, 'just so other's don't have to feel bad'. Life sucks, TEJC I hope that post is repayment for the half arsed one I put up last night

Well my bloody moodswings are eating me to a bloodied pulp, and I'm in a crap one now. A good friend of mine asked me the question while we were out walking a forest track 'c'mon what have you got to be depressed about when you can be out here doing this fun stuff?'. I had met up with her half to have a chat about my feeling like crap, but it was then that I felt really unsure about talking about it because basically it revolves around me being a really pathetic person. I can't decide how I feel about things, I can't decide if my ex is a really selfish girl, or if I'm an insecure fool. Basically my ex broke up with me just before christmas last year, and some days I feel all mighty and proud and positive like 'haha look what she's missing out on, stuff her, I can do better than that' then be able to get on with life, but sometimes I start thinking really hard and start feeling like all the bad parts of my life are my fault. I don't have many good friends, I'm really awkward and standoffish even with someone I knew in year 3, I just don't grasp fully the world. I was deprived of company at an early age + I've lived in a big sheltering family=> thus I'm not very socially adept => so I haven't seen much of the world (even knowing how to send a money order is something I'm not familiar with) => I try to work on meeting people and getting jobs => I have trouble connecting with people and am awkward with social situations + I haven't seen much of the world thus am not ver fluent with employment opportunities (fail the basic common knowledge) => thus I don't get many opportunities to meet people. I don't know if that's a cycle, let alone a viscious one, but it feels like it. It feels like a catch 22 where I'm not very good with people and fail to become good with people as a result, though that sounds stupid even just saying it. Still feels like it though. Argh I'm exploding with crappy feelings and can't figure out how to express them tonight, sorry everyone! I'll try again later

This is a tricky one. Mainly because my theory behind doing anything in life involves 'how much do I learn from it'. In your case, either you could use no contact, get over her, and move on; or you could persist either gently or with no contact and possibly succeed. In this case there's good reasons for all, to move on, means you're giving up all possibilities with her, but learning self control, finding yourself, and becoming a better person perhaps with a bit of a chip on your shoulder. No contact as an attempt to get her back, you may end up victor, and you will have had a chance to heal and work on yourself, but you may just lose all that hard work if you end up hanging out for her and waiting on her for her just to turn you down and move on. Gentle encouragement is also an option because there's no strong compelling reason for parting ways, it seems more just like the result of uncertainty. So it may turn out that this will work in your favour and you learn some important things about how she operates while you're at it. Big danger is that she disappears and you're left with lots of healing to do because you've put so much in. I'd be interested to hear responses to this, even though my own situation demands complete no contact and moving on. TEJC

I think some replies here have missed the point slightly, I think a main question is 'why, given that he doesn't want her back, does he still think about her?'. In my experience, being the broken off half of a relationship and having shyness and some insecurity, I think it makes a bit of sense. (My method of trying to help others is to recall my experience and try to draw parallels so excuse all the self references.) I don't want my ex back, now that I can see her without the pretense of a relationship and having 'unlimited positive regard' ala love, I can see who she is and am not interested. But having said that, while I was with her, I knew she was far from perfect, had a bit of an attitude, etc but would always be satisfied to deal with that for what else I got from the relationship. Unfortunately for the most part I think my attraction was merely one of 'she's the best I'll ever come accross by a long way so I'm happy'. It's really just my insecure self telling me I'm essentially worthless and should throw myself at anyone that will take me. My ex is beautiful, funny, cozy, warm and yummy, but when you get right to the core, she's selfish and very calculating. I was addicted to all the good points enough to ignore the rest I suppose, especially because for a long while she was actually interested in me, a fascinating and amazing reality by my standards. So now, months on, I can see the forest from the trees, the reality of everything is clear, but that alone is not enough to help me move on completely. I still think about her, the memories, even though I'm rebuilding and working on self respect, they grab me and throw me around like a little doll and I have to get up again. Then I wonder what she's doing, what she's thinking, where she's at, is she happy? etc. I think it's mainly to do with me not respecting myself enough to let go and let me be important. It's not healthy short term, but long term it'll have a hardening effect and me and everyone in my situation will be better off at the end. It forces us to think of ourselves and stay focused. But right now I'm certain I think of mine because there's still a lingering fear that she'll be the best or possibly the only that I'll ever have the pleasure of experiencing. It will either destroy my development and make me obsessive (I bloody hope not), or it'll totally force me reevaluate and become who I need to be (I bloody hope so, change is as good as a rebirth in my case). Pain it the catalyst of all change, go with it but gently guide yourself towards the life you want so as to avoid more strange ruts. TEJC

No they definitely have done so. One of them replied to one of my posts implying 'gotcha'. My email address had my name in it. But it's removed now. Somehow a search in google for my name came up with a post. And now they talk at uni about it. And if it's a stalking nature then there's a group of about 4 of them that are all one big stalker monster. Damn it's weird, anyway, more insight would be appreciated cause from what I can tell from her friends, she doesn't want to know me. And any time there's necessary contact, like coming to pick stuff up, she always acts nasty. Besides, she did the breaking up, and she told me straight that her new partner is exactly what she wants and I'm not. Yet still it continues... TEJC

quick question: what does in mean when your ex who you've almost completely gotten over and moved on from, and don't even talk to anymore, uses your ICQ number like the old days and chats to your friends that they've never met before? Today at uni I bumped into an old mate from way back who never even knew I had a gitlfriend I don't think. And the second things he says is 'well I headr about your ex'... I'm like 'Huh?? how do you know already?' He tells me he was talking to her on the net, at first he thought it was me he was chatting to. Then the ex spills everything to him like he's a friend from way back. About how she's with my TEAMMATE now and things are going well...! It seems illogical. But then again I'm not bothered enough to make a scene and force her to get her own. Oh yeah and what about having her friends and new partner searching for me on the net and finding posts I've put in here?? what's the go? I feel like Truman Burbank where everyone's keeping tabs on me while I get on with life... weird..! OK I said I'd keep it quick. TEJC

hey people, well every day I think of new and exciting things to get off my chest about trying methodically to sort myself out. (sorry if I start sounding camp, I'm a mad Q u e e r Eye fan and I just got finished watching an episode...!) So, I had a good day today. I started thinking about my life again, and of course the same stuff came up, but out of the blue I just thought to myself 'so what if my life sucks, just live it and relish the most suckful bits, chew them up and enjoy them'...! I thought it was hilarious, for the first time I'd looked at myself and instead of moping about how shitty it was, I thought about all the crappy bits, and laughed at them. Then I went and walked my dogs humming Jimmy Crack Corn and singing in my head 'my life sucks, and I don't care', and feeling genuinely happy. Is that a) sadistic; b) repressive; c) insane; d) a novel and good way of avoiding depression? Hehe this is fun! TEJC :silly: PS come on mods and admins, bleeping 'Q u e e r' is pretty lame

hey, well at leaast you're remorseful. My ex came to get her stuff back the other day, I'd packed it all to make it easier and so I wouldn't have to think about it. But she was an hour late and I lost my nerve, so I decided to go to the beach instead. I'm told 15 minutes after I left she came and then she acted like she was pissed off that I wasn't there to see her take the stuff. And she's not remorseful or anthing, aparently I'm in the wrong. Shis it was annoying. Owell, you may have stuffed up your post relationship relationship, but only if he's not understanding. If he is, he'll realise why you did what you did, if not, then buger him. But make sure you give a breif apology to give him a reason to be understanding TEJC

Hey I touched on the topic in this reply to the 'do you believe in god' post [link removed here . I have theorised a sort of scientific fate that I have come to believe.

Hi all, I want to know if anyone has ever felt lazy but been powerless to overcome it. Like right now I could be studying but there's no fibre in my being that is inclined to make me do so. It's like I think about needing to do something, and get hit with a wave of fatigue and don't feel like I have the energy to actually do it. But what's more annoying is that once I really get motivated to do something and get right on it the motivation dies really quickly and I start flagging again, lose concentration, and get frustrated. What does this sound like and is there a cure? Is it just lazy or could it be bad sleep or something else? Some say it sounds like A.D.D. but I have a hard time believing it, I come from a pretty switched on family and blood line that isn't predisposed to those sorts of things. I'm the youngest of four brothers, could it be that my life was just too easy or something? TEJC

Hehe boromir I love your post, it's SO me! So many times my ex an I felt like she was the guy and me the chick, I always seemed to be the sensitive one and her the calculating one. Almost everything else in your story is the same as me, the only difference is that I sometimes feel relieved to be rid of her (even though she dumped me), but other times get depressed because she is having such a good life now compared to me, all alone here. Man I hope I get properly happy one day, I am having moodswings and they suck Seeya mate, and yeah I relate! TEJC

Strange topic perhaps to be bringing up on a site called 'not alone'. OK my gf broke up with me almost 3 months ago now, but my life since then has reminded me of how little life I really have. I'm mostly a social outcast unless I'm in a really good mood, and don't have a anything like a best friend. Most people I know I only know because we're all doing the same courses at uni and it's hard not to be in contact with people. I'm not really in tune with the world, am having trouble landing a decent job because of it. Like I'm constantly feeling lost with what I'm doing and falling behind. Because I don't have any real close friends there's precious few party invites or anything of that nature, as though anyone who knows me thinks my group of close friends must be other people they've never met. Noone's really interested in me or my company. So not being in any social groups reduces the number of things I'm invited to, and I'm not too keen on looking desperate by constantly asking people what's happening and 'can I come'. Now the root of the post. I see so many poster's advising on 'doing stuff' and getting out with friends is a good way of getting over it. But I find that my last best friend WAS my ex, and that I don't really have anyone close to me to spend time with. And all the vague acquaintances I do know are usually doing things I don't find interesting anyway, and would be more interested in walking my dogs with my ex (if she weren't an ex), like the most fun I could be having is with her. I spose parties are fun, but they take so much mental energy from me to keep up with, my ex was effortless enjoyment (it was effortless too for her a long time ago, but one reason she's gone is because she started having to work for it and I never noticed until it was too late) I presume these thoughts aren't helping me get over her, it's like I'm being reminded how little I have by not having her. Anyone else felt the same way, is there a good solution? TEJC

Hey, wow I see a lot of myself in that post, but unfortunately I'm in a similar situation and don't have any advice to give except maybe she was stringing you along and telling you what you wanted to hear until she decided what she wanted. That seems to be what's happened in my case but I don't know. So for everyone else out there I'm also interested in seeing your 'verdict'. TEJC

I know it's considered superficial to care, but surely there's a definite difference in feel going from big to small. And maybe short term where the feeling matters less than the fact that you really like the person you're doing it with, but is it possible for the satisfaction to die off and pose a challenge to a long-term relationship? Like an 'if only he were a little bigger' after 2 weeks might become a 'god I really need something bigger' after 6 months? I know it should be all about enjoying what you've got, but what if she is constantly thinking about what could be? And the short small people should get travel concessions or something cause it's much harder work making the motion in the ocean! TEJC

Hey, I have a different theory, because it's happened to me before. I'm pretty sure I tracked down why it was happening. I'm into a lot of outdoor activities, and lifting heavy things and whatever, have a pretty physical life. So when it comes to laying down kissing someone, my muscles would struggle to cope with being gentle. Like if I was stroking her hair it would be fine because the muscle would be moving, but if I tried to hold it still, it would jitter and start to get a bit out of control. Sometimes I'd just hold my arm up in space and we'd just watch it go and laugh. I never found a cure though. So yeah, I wasn't at all nervous around her, just my body wasn't tuned to carry out the delicate movements involved in cuddling up intimately. Owell we all got something, seeya, TEJC

badburnz hehe I can so relate. With my ex one of the biggest problems was that she had most only guy friends, and any time they were out I had totally uncontrollable fear that she'd do something with one of them. I'd talk about it to her often, trying hard to explain how I can on one hand totally trust her, but on the other I can't get the courage to trust her. It would upset her to think we were really close and yet for some reason I couldn't let go of the fear, I just managed to make it a bit smaller and consciously tell myself to trust her even though my instincts didn't work that way. In hindsight I think I had nothing to worry about, but at the time any small doubt would grow and start pounding about inside my head. qt I see what your saying, but what I've said here is pretty much the result of my self therapy and I can't think of anything more, I think what's in the post is the contents of my box, if you will. Thanks for the msn offer, uni goes back next week so I'll be busy, and my computer died recently, but when I reinstall messenger, I'll get in contact k? I had one (relatively) funny thought the other day, and that is that it seems like of all the people in the world in my position, half of them turned to religion and changed their life, the other half, shot themselves, and right at the moment, I'm feeling distinctly atheist. Besides, if it's god's fault for putting me into this life, then I don't see what following him will help. Thanks for the posts guys, ElusiveJC

Hi, I'd like to tell my story and see what people think of it, because from where I stand I don't see a solution... anywhere. It's a long post so get comfy. OK I'm 21 now, and I'll start my story from approximately 7 years old. One day I came home from school to find my brothers fighting with my dad who was drunk at the time, they would have been 14 and 17 at that point. I didn't know what the fight was about but my dad needed to be restrained and was being a complete maniac - That is one bad of many usually good memories I have of my early childhood. Another memory I have is being all keen to help my mum sharpen our kitcken knives because my grandad had taught me how to once, so I spent hours grinding our knives nice and sharp. Strangely when I was about 16 I was recalling those memories in a random conversation and my mum tells me that everyone distinctly remembers me sharpening the knives the day after I saw my dad and brothers fighting, as though they were related. I thought that was very odd, especially that I had never remembered them being related. Anyway, while still 7 or 8 I would often see dad getting drunk and argumentative, usually ending up in holes in the wall, black eyes on my brothers, and the occasional broken window. This went on until I was 9, when mum finally dicorced him, and took us four kids to live in a new suburb. My life changed entirely, the people and basic idea of the place was totally different, the old suburb was kind of homely, all the neighbours knew wach other, it was small. The new place was close to being the richest suburb in Australia and we rented probably the crappiest thing we could afford. I'm not sure why we moved there, we just did, we weren't really of means to do so but we got by. But being only 9 and trying to interract with snobby try-hard rich kids I had no hope, and quickly noticed how I didn't just fit in at school, but didn't fit into the suburb at all. None of us did and I think we all got affected in our own different way. My mum would work 16/h day to keep us fed and alive, so was never there. My oldest brother (19) moved out and we barely saw him, the next oldest (16) had dropped out of school and taken up drugs and would be out all the time, or else hiding somewhere getting stoned. Then my 12yo brother and I would be the only ones left and would have to fend for and entertain ourselves. He was in early high school so managed to take advantage of everyone building up groups of friends, but in my school, everyone had their place, but me. So we would occasionally spend time with the people he'd met, but mostly we'd just do our own thing, that was technic lego and took up a lot of time. Other strange things happened like my dropout brother secretly confiding in me a heroin addiction, and telling me that he 'stole' our old family car, accidentally crashed it one night while stoned, and made it look stolen. So from an early age I'd already started putting up barriers between me and the world, so that I could cope with feeling so horribly different. Often, while 9 years old, I'd wonder if people would miss me if I just jumped off a building near us, and concluded that mum probably might. I often considered it, I'd also find myself etching messages into things like 'my life sucks' and 'I hate my life'. Even now I remember all the places I wrote it, almost like I was seeing if anyone looked hard enough and if they did they'd see what I'd written and know, otherwise they never would. Noone ever found them. So when mum would come home late from work and ask how was my day I'd say 'goood' like I always would, but even at 9 I was hiding something. Unknown to me that would be the start of living a life completely cut off from everyone I've ever known, putting on some superficial act to cover up what I truly felt, and knowing that noone really knew me at all. So as the years went by, I'd be adle to laugh off anything, like I'd accepted in myself that I'd never really have a close friend like I did in my old suburb (I call it my old life, as though I've been reincarnated), accepting that I'd never have a girlfriend. By then I had such a thick skin that nothing hurt, I'd just accept that I'll never have any of that, I was content with my own company, and go about my life goal without distraction. I lived at Australia's most popular beach for 7 years and I don't know a single girl's name. And I was blissfully happy, graduating high school, having pushed all my pain into a box and I was a happy, emotionless ball of nothing, that had one life dream to conquer that's it. I think now that I'd almost completely forgotton about that small box that was holding the real me who's life was paused at age 9, and was living this strange new life where I was 'different' before I even spoke like it was tattooed on my forehead. The result seemed to be that I'd lived my life being completely emotionally unattached to anything, and was like I was some ghost floating around the real people. I was once sitting on a school bus staring into space when everyone noticed, and one kid I knew said 'oh he's in his own little world again'. And that's exactly how life felt, like there was some invisible barrier separating me and the rest of the world. I think my whole social development has grown up all skewed and distorted because of it, I don't really know how people operate, or how the world works, I feel like an alien. I did not feel like a human. The problem: unfortunately I was put in the very unlikey situation about 18 months ago where I liked a girl, who eventually liked me back and we hit it off somehow. Eventually my cold hard emotionless exterior melted and I learned to feel love and caring and all that wonderful yummy stuff, felt like my soul was being tickled and it was waking up. She was the first person I'd gotten close to since I was 9, and she was part of my world. She was also part of the real world, and I could feel myself migrating out into the real world and growing into a normal person, though my 9yo self had a lot of growing up to do and fast. This was all good until she decided at christmas 2003 that she was to embarrassed by me to be with me, and essentially said, 'yes we have lots of fun together, but I get ostracised by my friends for being with you'. Now she barely knows me and by all accounts is trying hard to forget me. This growing human of mine had been dealt a mortal blow, and I was starting to feel myself slip back out of the real world and put up the happy front that I alwas used to. I feel like such a distorted mess of a person, that is too far behind in its development to ever have a chance of catching up to its peers, I don't feel 21, I'm maybe 16. Unfortunately this barrier between me and the world means that I have a very introverted personality, and no real friends. I'm socially incapable, and have still not yet learnt the art of small talk. Because of this it's hard for me to live, getting a job that I can do successfully for instance. I am at uni studing and don't have any really friends to study with. I'm only an average student at best, I have trouble keeping focussed, and it's hard to keep at the social grindstone in the hope I might develop because I don't seem to get anywhere. So my life is getting more difficult, I have no social life, I have no stable job, am an average student, and don't have anything else anymore. I also now have to push all my emotional crap into a little box all over again because I know I'll never get another opportunity to meet someone who I can release it on, at least not for the next decade. I used to be happy with my own company, now I feel lonely. I can't live like that and need to squash it and compress it all to cope. I want to move out of home, I think it might help me, but I then have to worry about my mum getting lonely because my brothers have all moved out and to other countries, with me being her youngest and the only one left. Unfortunately this is all making me depressed and I can't see how my bright future can even happen if I can barely interract with the world at all. And my mum likes to mother me which certainly isn't helping, but I don't want to push her away because it will hurt her, and I know what emotional pain feels like now. I had a deja vu experience the other day while cooking dinner, it was a cold late afternoon and I was home alone cooking dinner. I was standing over our old gas stove stirring something in a pot, it was a very depressing scene and I was in a sad mood. I remembered that exact same experience when I was 9, I was at home alone cooking on our gas stove, stirring something feeling sad and lonely. Then it hit me. I could never explain my feelings to myself when I was 9, I didn't know why I felt like killing myself, or why life sucked so much, I just felt it for some reason. Now while I was cooking, it dawned on me that at the age of 9, I was depressed... And I never knew it. I just started crying so much it hurt, to think I was so young, in so much pain, not understanding it, and putting it away and ignoring it. And for the first time I actually believed depression really did exist and was not just some fancy unproveable excuse people had. Now I get even more depressed because I am in the same situation all over again and don't know how to deal with it. I often feel like there's nothing worth living for anymore, like my personality has already splattered on the pavement before my body has. I'm so lonely, but I have noone to talk about it with, I can't even consider getting close to someone because I know what will happen will end up hurting me, and all I do whe I see people now is try to act normal. The only reason I've come up with so far for not attempting to fly from a tall building is that my family would get upset and possible destroy all their lives. They'd have to come back to Australia to keep mum consoled about her suicidal son that she never knew about. All I can think now is if someone else killed me then my mum would never have to know how I feel. I don't want to live and I don't want to kill myself. I'm so sad.