tosing

I was happy to see your post. Sometimes I feel there's only a handful of us out here in this world. Is your bio mom coming down specifically to patch things up with you or just for a random visit? I think you should let your parents know and to be safe, if you're not ready to see her, plan a trip out of town. You do not deserve that kind of mental abuse. Take care, Tosing

Before you start calling her perfect, think about what you really like. If its all physical, ask if that really matters to you. She's a human being just like you. What truly matters is how nice she is. Don't worry about the age or grade difference. Ask her out for coffee. This will give you a chance to converse with her. You'll be able to find out about a lot of things by talking over a cup of coffee for at least an hour. Offer to pay for her coffee - - please. If you think she's real nice after that, then ask her for her phone number and find out if there's any new movie she'd like to see or even better, ask if she wants to go to a local museum or the zoo. The point is to spend time around her to see how she really is. The movies is quite a distraction because you don't have the opportunity to really interact. You'll be able to get to know much more about a person in quiet settings. Just be confident, okay? All the best, Tosing Withoutreserve

When men are too tired or busy...they're just not that into you. Go for the new guy. Read the book too. He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt

Ask yourself just why you're attracted to her -other than the fact that she's cute. If she's made it clear she isn't attracted to you in the same way, you'll have to accept this. I mean really. When women say that they mean it. Go for the other girl in band. You may find you like her more than the other girl. When the other girl sees you with the girl in band I'm sure she'll perk up. But don't see the girl in band just to get the other girl's attention. Sometime guys are just attracted to the challenge of getting the girl. Make sure this is not the case with you. Also, ask yourself -Why do I want someone who doesn't want me? I hope this helps.

Hi Josh, After you have coffee with her and you're saying goodbye, reach to hug her. You'll know if its time to kiss if she tries to give you a kiss on the cheek while you're hugging her. If she doesn't try when you hug her, wait until next time to kiss her on her cheek first - and then wait for her response. I think that should work. Tosing

A coffee shop would be great. You can buy her lots of "affordable drinks" and talk your heads off. Don't let her pay though. She'll think you're way cheap. Although the movies are a popular place to take someone, you can't talk in the movies. You'll just feel tempted to touch the person without really knowing them. The cool thing about the coffee shop is that you can talk, watch people, and based on each others words and expressions, you'll learn a great deal about how they think and feel. Stay there with her for at least two hours. If you still want to be around her for the rest of the night, suggest a bookstore that also sells CDs. That way you both can learn about each other's tastes in books and music. Trust me, she'll get a kick out of you. As for the date that follows, go somewhere fun like the bowling alley. When I was 20 I had a date at a bowling alley and till this day, I remember it as one of my best dates. All the best, Tosing Withnoreserve

First of all, yes, she's attracted to you and enjoys your company. I feel that she was inviting you to lie down with her, or she wanted you to see her in that position. If I knew a married man ( I wasn't attracted to) was coming over to fix a computer in my bedroom, I would remain in the kitchen or livingroom until he was done. She feels very very comfortable with you, that's all. Based on the selected sentences I chose from your post, I can tell you're attracted to her as well, and that's okay. I understand what its like to be married and find someone attractive - especially if the marriage isn't going well, or if things are just not always clicking as they should. Your real question is "Should I take a chance because I'm worried that although she's attracted to me, she might turn me down?" I don't think she would, and that's where it gets difficult. If you're thinking about what it would be like, you're gone already. Of course its different if you're thinking like this about Halle or Beyonce 'cause you can't get to them. But you know where this woman lives and can get to her if things were set just right. Making love to her will change things. You may not want to do this because guilt will follow and if you try to dump her or distance yourself from her after that, she'll be crushed. Keep it light. Don't go in that bedroom anymore if its going to cause you pain. Keep it in the coffee shop ...and next time you meet her there, bring an attractive friend she might like. If the thought of doing this gives you a pinch of jealousy, you like this woman much more than you should. It sounds like you genuinely care about her though, and that's good. The attractive thing about married men is that while they're married they learn to become sensitive to womens feelings. This is probably what's got her going over you. If you don't slow it down now, its only going to get trickier. All the best, Tosing Withnoreserve

Josh, Congratulations on your "first date" success. I'd say, invite another couple or ask two of her friends to join the two of you. The reason I suggest this is because she'll act her natural self in the presense of friends who know her. You'll get a chance to see who she really is, and see who her friends really are. Remember, birds of a feather flock together. When you do decide to take her out alone, it should be the third or fourth time you're out with her. But avoid the movies - a place where you can't really get to know someone. On your alone date with her, ask her to go with you to the local coffee shop, Starbucks or some other cool spot. Buy her coffee, cocoa, or anything she wants. Don't let her pay. Both of you should sit and talk face to face for at least two hours. If both of you really enjoy talking together, it will be a sign that she could be an excellent girlfriend for you. After the coffee shop date, ask her over for dinner at your house or out for bowling with a mix of her and your friends. I hope this helps. Tosing Withnoreserve

She was very tacky in her replies. Ironically, I admire her honesty. There's nothing worse than someone NOT telling you they don't like you and just using you or hanging around you to do you some kind of favor. I've been in that situation a couple of times in my life where the guy was gorgeous, didn't really like me that much, but because I had a great body but not good enough face, they just used me for sex, or even worse wouldn't use me for sex, but do really mean things so I'd get rid of them first. It's strange but sometimes you have to hide your love to get love. You're an open and honest person just like me and that scares people. And by the way, it sounds like you're dealing with a really hot girl who probably gets a lot of attention. She doesn't even know if she really likes you or not, because she hasn't given you the time of day. Only a young and inexperienced girl would shoot herself in the foot like that. I went to college with girls way prettier than me who would get guys numbers, get taken on expensive dates and just turn the guys down. They used these opportunities as a "free meal or movie" for college survival. I felt so sorry for these guys because they were being lied to. She told you the truth - - the brutal truth. There's a song, I can't remember by who, but its something like "I Can't Make You Love Me if You Dont." It is so true. You can't make someone love you. Every kind, decent, WOMAN wants a nice guy like you. Don't change and don't let this experience ruin you. HNY!

K8tie, One of my male friends in college told me this: " I've never had a woman friend I didn't once try to have a relationship with. The only reason why we became friends is because I could not get with her." He said that that's true with all men. They're not going to just go up to a woman and want to be friends. They want the relationship, and if that can't happen they'll settle for friendship.

Surely there's one or two people you've shared good times with over the past year. If so, just call them to say hello. Invite them out. People remember you and call you when you remember them and call them. Take this: I was alone on New Year's Eve too. To conquer feelings of being rejected, I called a friend of mine and chatted with her for a few hours. While we were conversing, midnight struck and we wished each other a Happy New Year. If I hadn't called her, I would've felt that no one was thinking of me. But I combatted that. Someone is always thinking of you. You won't know unless they tell you though. This year, try to reach out more to people instead of waiting for them to reach out to you. Okay? You'll feel much better.

Just think 30 and 50 if that makes you feel any better. Here's where it may be a problem: He's only going to get older faster. This may lead to sexual dysfunction if he is not healthy. Also, you're in your "good years" age range. Is he the "one" for you. If not, get with someone else. I was once married to someone 10 years my senior. I found that often times we couldn't relate when it came to music or pop-culture type conversations. Are the things you're into things he can relate to or converse about? Also, does he look like your dad? If so, does this bother you? Usually men this age want a woman who is fresh with no baggage. A woman his own age wouldn't put up with him, or he needs a trophy at this point in his career. It may be good to find out if he finds women his age attractive. Also, make sure you want to really be involved with this guy before things get real serious - especially if you work with him.

He's not into you. He's using you for: -sex -a rent discount -a trophy Look for a roomate, find one, move, then leave a note for him telling him why. Its okay to apologize for invading his privacy as well.

Tell him when you DO want a baby. Say, in 4 years or so. Then he may talk you down to 2. If so, try to negotiate for 3 years. This advice is good if you want kids, but not right now. If you don't want them ever, he needs to know that.

Say, "My name is _____________" with your hand extended for a shake. With this she'll give her name when she shakes it. If she doesn't then she's rude. In case this happens, say "What's your's?"

Why don't you ask her what she's doing for Valentine's Day. If she says she doesn't have plans, ask her if she'd like to plan something with you. You'll find out how she feels right then.

If it was real, and his uncle manages a store, there was no need for him to tell you it was real - because that would be obvious, right? However, I knock him for not being creative and for being lazy. That was a no-effort gift. He may have even gotten it for free for all you know. Examine how he treats you otherwise. Don't measure his love for you by the authenticity of the gift. He may love you, but may also be cheap. Ask yourself: How do I feel around him? If you don't feel your best around him, try meeting someone else.

The negative way to look at it: She may have used you, especially if she's really pretty. Of course if she did this she knew it was important to feed you during the process and flirt to keep you motivated to move her. The positive side: She's probably resting and getting her place together and hasn't had time to call. However, if I were you, I'd call her and if she doesn't call back in two days, leave her alone. I've known a fair amount of good looking girls that have used guys for moving only. By the way, you were great. It's hard to find guys to help when its time to move.

I was once married to someone who was extremely insecure about himself personally, but confident about his talents. However, his insecurities outweighed everything. Between us, there was also an educational gap. He couldn't read or write, and at the time we married, I was working on a bachelors degree (I now have a Masters). Around two months after I married him, I realized I'd made a big mistake. He was violent and verbally abusive towards me. What kept me in was: -I didn't believe in divorce -He looked outstanding -Outside of treating me bad, he was a nice guy to other people Ultimately, I was unhappy and didn't want to hurt his feelings, until I realized I spent most of my 20s with him, and I was wasting my good years with a guy who wasn't so great for me. Based on your post, regardless of how level headed you sound, you're housing anger in your heart of hearts. I can tell you're not satisfied, and with your educational level, I'm sure there are occasions where you'd like her to accompany you, and she can't because - - she just can't. Ask yourself if you can live with her for another 20 years. If you can't see that, get out now.

I divorced six years ago. Is it true that times have changed and women now ask men out? If this is true, how do men like to be asked out? I read recently that if a man is interested in you, he will make sure you notice him. Which is true?

Sometimes women make excuses for going out if they don't feel presentable. What I mean by that is: Maybe she's having a fat day A bad hair day on her period It would be completely inappropriate to ask her about the above though! I'm just letting you know, as a woman, I've declined getting together with someone for these reasons.

You can't make yourself love someone. Period. Counseling isn't going to bring about chemistry; don't waste your time or money. I was in your position before, and after six years, I found the courage to tell him. That was a long time, but I had to do it. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life miserable. It will hurt her, but its only fair. So tell her: -why you married her -why you think staying married isn't a good idea You must learn how to say "No". Worrying about her feelings got you into this, but you must always consider your own feelings -- especially if it involves a LIFE contract. Best of luck