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No, I don't think so. I did on-line dating without ever having seen pictures of some women. When I met them is the first time I met them. Sometimes pictures decevie or only tell part of the story. Moreover, talking too much and knowing too much before meeting gets in the way of bonding when you meet. The person has bonded with another accross a computer screen, not with the person in front of them. A new type of bonding must take place and too much beforehand gets in the way.

I think a person who did such things has thought little of his committment when he married. When you committ, you should expec tthat there will be times when you do not want to be with the other person, when you do not even like the other person, when you can not stand the sight of them, and even then you need to love them, to do what is in there best interest. Love in this manner, committ to loving in this manner, refuse to marry until your spouse will also be so committed, and you will develop strong bonds between you as a couple, and you won't face this kind of dilemma. And sometimes, you need to bite your tongue. Telling how you feel is not always doing what is in there best interests, it's you getting crap off your chest. Can you imagine telling a person everytime they did not so hot that they did not? It would not be a nice relationship.

I think the more you put in now before you actually meet, the more likely it is you are wasting the effort. I know of some suceesses of internet romance blooming into real romance, but I more often hear of failures. If you were meeting, then much of the talking and getting to know each ther should take place in person. When you do meet anyway, you will have done so much talking, that you should also first engage in fun without the need to talk.

Jetta had a great comment about relationships taking focus. They do that and time and effort. And he told you that he does not want to put in the time and effort to have a "relationship." So, if you want to see him and keepo it light and easy, and show him some attention and appreciation, and then you withdraw, he will come looking for you. And soon he may want the relationship.

I would certainly not pursue her, and would tell you that you would be doing yourself a disservice by doing anything that would seem sweet or nice to win her over. You could consider seducing her, but that is risky and those sweet things won't help you. I would take to treating her as a friend, but always looking at her, even at times leering,and letting her see it, as a woman that you see should be naked in bed beneath you.

To the extent you can talk to him, do. But at the same time, do not act like he is your boyfriend or that youa re his girlfriend. So, to some extent you need to seem as if you can accept this and move right on from it, saying NEXT and seeming as if you are ready for a new and different man. In a sense, you will best stir he desire for you by seeming as if you are moving on.

BarCap, Welcome to enotalone. I think the first thing to understnad is that feelings do change and they can go in any direction. She can not have romantic feelings for you, then she could and vice versa. I also wuld ask yourself about what do you want. If you really want her back, then take your time and really think about that. If you want her back, then you need to look at a number of things, primarily how did yu change while you were together. We all change when with people for a longtime, we go frm seeming to be constantly one way, the face we show many, to letting our guards down and also changing how we deal with each other. My guess is that the guy who made her hot changed, and if I had to bet, you became whimpier in your personality, probably because you relied on her too much (that's just a guess). For now, I would keep thinking about creating yourself a life independent of her, find things to do outside of your place and do continue looking for something else. If this does not resolve itself, you may need it. Perhaps you think about something that does not need a longterm lease. Don't fight with her, be a friend, act liek you want nothing more, agree with her.

Keep the emails and calls to a minimum, too much of them leads to too few dates. However, while I have no objections or criticism of it, know that you might be below the limits of respectability dating a woman so much younger. I've been told the general rules of respectability are to take his age, divide it in half and add seven. So for a guy who is 34, (34/2) + 7 = 17 + 7 = 24. However, you laid eyes on a young cutie and got her to go out with you. You can get another one, if you can get her.

Great. Congrats.

It seems to me like you both want to feel like you were RIGHT, more than you want the marriage to work. What neither of you did was justified. In my book, what she did was worse, but what you did came first. Do you want to be right or married? Pick, because right now you are picking right and that leads to your divorce.

Is that what you want to tell him, or do you really want to tell him not to force himself on you, like he did in kissing you. First, I am not the guy who would tell anyone not to pursue and date multiple women at once. I'd tell a woman to do it too. I did that, and if single would again, but I also know there are limits. Once in a relationship, you should be in only that. I could not say that he was in one having been on only a few dates with a woman. This guy has had a few chances and blew them. If you were ever to give him another chance, then I would assume he would need to do some growing up before then. And I think he should need to earn his way back in. While I don't know, I bet that he begged and pleaded and told you lots of things to get back in, while he really did not do all hat much to get there. In other words, he told you a lot, but did not put in lots of other effort. A guy who invests in arelationship is not likely to just throw it away. So, if you ever let him back, make sure he invests heavily as you see him. And during this time, to make sure he was investing, maybe you should probably be the one open to seeing another person. It would indicate to him that he had not yet got you. I think you basically tell him that he has blown his chances that you see him getting, that he has some growing up to do and that he needs to figure out what he wants before he ever comes trying to get you back, and that in the interim, he needs to keep his hands and lips to himself, or your hands may find your way to quickly meet his face. I would not be mean or nasty in saying this, just firm. So maybe it should be said with your voice, not typed.

If he broke up with you twice, then I would agree that things are cyclic, and that's a guy not worth taking a chance on dating again, unless, you could figure out what motivates him to want out while he is in the relationship with you, and want you when you are not dating him. It seems likely to me that he is very much motivated by the chase and/or the idea that "we want what we cannot have." As far as the other women, I think that's something you keep your nose out of. As far as him, there can be a certain extent to which you put your foot down. How? Not quite sure.

Well, before you being to rip him apart that much, the one thing that is clear is that this guy cares about you. He asked about the bruise and limp, and looked out for you there, even as you did not want him too. He was also the guy who walked you home when you needed help. So, don't be too hard on a guy who did to some extent look out for you and literally allowed you to lean on him. You need to keep people like that in your life, if you can. Just because he is dating other people does not mean he does not think about being together with you. He may be having second thoughts about breaking up. The real question is what do you really want?

I would recommend not asking. If you want him back, then you should think about what would make him want to come back, and do that. I've gotten back together with numeruous exes. The conversation never really helped. When we both wanted it, one of us made a move, and it happened. When one of us didn't, the conversation made it less likely.

Just call her again and try to set up a simple date, as discussed above. The only thing that changes is that you need to take things slow: because she may still be reeling from a breakup; and to make sure you are not just rebound guy.

I'm not so big on talking about it, and I think you doing your own thing and feeling good about yourself before you talk changes the conversation. Recently, you've been the wuss. When you feel confident, you shouldn't be. Everything changes when you are confident, so do what it takes to get it. Also, I think it gives you a chance to ask for nothing from her, analyze things from the point as to how she feels and how you can get her to feel the way you'd like her to feel, and then, you get to act and be more confident in it. Moreover, any effective sedcution is made indirectly. Talking about it is direct. Hang in there.

hazey, I like some of your advice, and it gives me a chance to clarify. Men can wait a long time, but not all men will. Why I asked about Pinkbubbles feelings about sex. I would not ask him why he has not called you. That conversation almost no matter how you do it conveys the idea that has an obligation to clal you, and that's just tending toward being needy. Not much you can do to avoid it no matter how you try, and I see hazey said to avoid it. I think it is too tough to avoid. I might call him, just for you to ask how he is, and then ask really nothing else about or from him. A simple: "Hi I am just calling to see how you are, I was a bit worried about you. Hope you are fine." Then you hang-up. This kind of messages shows you care, it gives, it does not ask for anything. At this time, I would be available to see him when he is at home, but I might be a little more toward emotionally aloof. Let him wonder how you feel, let him chase your emotions. For example, you see him, walk up to him, kiss him, stop, act happy, but not overjoyed to see him. That's you being happy, upbeat, friendly, but not happy just because he is there. As far as the rest, if he is acting like a boyfriend, send him things that show you care or want him. But I'd see him act that way before sending stuff.

First of all, I can understand that you cannot talk to him about what you think he is doing. But, you can talk to him. You can see him, look at him, say hello and ask how he is. Do that for a few days, and soon he will want to talk to you, and then soon you can talk to him about what you think is going on.

No one else is replying, so I'll try. I don't know what you attitude towards sex is or what he is either, and in order to answer your questions, that might be useful. If sex is totally out of the question for you, and he thinks it should be on the table, then there is a problem with little solution. If it's possible for either of you, then any problems are easier to address. A man may chase a woman for a long time if he has the hope of having sex with her. And I think the idea of chasing may be of real significance for him and you. It may be that you might have been too available to him, in some respects. So, besides sex has has nothing else to chase. If he need not chase you to get your attention, to get some appreciation from you, etc. then perhaps you should give him something to chase. Once he catches it, or better than that right before he catches it, give him soemthing else to chase

OK, I've read this and I am going to be critical below. If you don't want to read it, then stop, because I am going to address insecurity and shyness and some may not like it. Insecurity and shyness is almost always all about a a fear of rejection. People yu pass every day don't get a hello or a good moring, because you don't know if they will return it, ignore it or insult you for just doing it. However, very few of us would tell you that it feels terriable to have any one tell us "good morning." Indeed, it almost always feels good. Very few of us would contend that it feels bad when people approach us to talk to us and greet us, ask how we are, and such. But often, this is something those who are shy refuse to go. They refuse out of fear of rejection to give others such pleasantries. Shyness and insecurity cause many people to fear to give, many things. Many think if I give, and it is rejected, then I will feel bad. So, they do not give. And then when they do decide to give, when the courage is summed up, things are given in exchange for something else that they expect will be given to them. Well, giving in exchange for something else is really not giving at all, it's buying or trading. Your gifts have a price tag, if given in this manner. And thereforeeee, they are not gifts. If you really want to attract people to you, if you want people to like you and pay attention and want to be near you, then give, really give. Give people greeting and expect to get nastiness in return, then give again. Give peoples smiles and so what if you get growls and frowns. If they give you a frown three of four times, then stop, and watch, they will soon be there looking for your smile. Give and many people will be looking for your smiles. Now, I know this is not easy, but there are ways to work on thigns so as not to be shy, so as not to be desparate for attention, but it's also true. Shyness and insecurity are about the fear of giving. Don't wait to give back, just give. And have faith that sooner or later, it will all come back.

Apathy? You're right in that apathy won't work. Carefree works, not apathy. Happy, not indifferent. It will never work to get a woman, but to get her back, one can do as follows. First, treat a woman like she is nothing but a good friend, be nice, agree, no fights, but at the same time, do what you want. For example, when she asks you to do something, you can agree to do it, then if you feel like it forget it. When she asks again, agree, forget. Now, you should also do things for her, but not be a servant. Take care fo what you normally should take care of, but not much more. Be pleasant, appear pliant, do not conform. At the same time, ask for nothing from her. Get your own food, do your laundry, cleaning, etc., be independent. Do things for her, let her rely on you, do not rely on her. Also, find new things to do with yourself too. Get in shape, work out, change workouts, take up a new sport, read more, spend time in another room. This should not appear as if you are avoiding her, just that you have other things to do. If she thinks you are avoiding her, it won't work. If she asks to spend more time with you, agree to it, tell her you need to do that, but then complain about how busy you are. After a short while, begin to look at her as a piece of meat that you see naked beneath you, getting it hard. You can not even like sex that way, but look at her as if that is what you see. It's more of an acting job then an intent, and you need to feel confidence to do it. So, you need to be doing the things that give you confidence before hand. If nothing changes, DROP the hammer. Do what heloladies suggest, Have it out, and if she is not willing to change some things, pack a bag and have her mvoe out, if you can. Or you move out.

OK, let's assume you are the husband asking. What do you want to happen when you tell her? Do you want her to apologize? What do you want? And, how will what she does change things? I assume the cheating took part only when they were separated, which to me is not quite like but close to broken up. In which case, I give her some leeway. But the answers to the questions are key.

You need to bust a move, but you also need to put yourself in an environment where you can feel out if the time is right to bust the move and when you get green signals to swoop in and DO IT. I am not talking about a big drastic move or any move to have sex with her soon. Just a move to make it clear that at some time you see that stuff mgiht be in your future. I've found that my best moves come when somewhat unexpected and when walking. Two of the easiest ways to mkae something begin to head into the physical direction are to hold hands and/or kiss, of course. Both of these things often have preliminary signals that come before them. One of my favorite things is that when you are not sure if you should make a move, you can engage in the "hand bump." Your hands touch, and you gauge things based on reaction. Often the hands touch and move part, touch and move apart and touch and move apart. the time of contact and pressure exerted during the contact should increase, slightly. And after a very short while, you should grab and hold her hand. When being bold, and you should be bold because it works, one can as soon as the hands are being held, swoop in and kiss her. I also like to go through the first parts of the hand bump, cut it short and then go right in and kiss her. Do one of these. She is giving you big signals. I mean she played footside with you under the table. She gives you lots and lots of eye contact. She suggested you go see her. Move in quickly or be labelled chicken. Women don't date chickens. You have a small window of time in which to bust a move and you have used up some of it. Create a date when you can walk some place with her, do the hand bump, swoop in and kiss.

So what. Really, Let her argue, yell, scream, swear and keep you in silence. These are the things she does to control you. Do not elt them control you. She does not want a man she can control, but that does not mean she won't try to do it. A man is not controlled because his woman won't talk to him. He does what is right, tries to see when he has been wrong and correct his wrongs, and he does not and should not allow her emotional tactics control him. Let her control you, and you are, and YOU ARE BEING WUSS. She has taken away you balls and you need to take them back. Why would a woman want to have sex with a man who has no balls. However, I still stick by my earlier advice. Withdraw, treat her as a roommate alone, be more independent, and then, after a short while. begin to show her a guy with balls. If you really want to know what talking does, talking about things is you telling her that she has to change. The person who says "We need to work on our relationship" is really telling the other person to change. She does not want to change for a wuss she can control. If you try to change everything overnight, then she will laugh at you. Get some room, get some independence, act like you do not need her, then begin to work making her want to change.

Exactly the attitude one should have. I began online dating before Batya did, and there were many women I met for a date that did not have photos posted before we met, and some who did not see my picture before we met. We met, we took a chance. I tried not to show real disappointment when it was there, and there were women who really disappointed me. The woman who's belly stuck out past her breasts did not, in my opinion, live up to her description of having an "average body," and there were a num,ber of women who's weight was much more than I expected. I tool a chance, oh well. What did I lose by meeting her? A few dollars and a few hours, at most. Take a chance. Don't react if really disappointed or really pleased, neither is good. Be a good sport if you know there will not be a second date. And try to have fun and listen.