mahlina

Hahaha! You should be flattered. She did compliment you. My only opinion on this is if one person wants to be w/someone and the other person does not want to be w/that person, then why force it right? You can't force someone to want to be with you, as much as you'd like them to. Sorry to hear about the break up though, but there are plenty of other women out there who you will adore.

Are you really? Truly prepared to marry her? Especially after her commiting to someone new so soon? Do you think that you could trust her after what had happened? First of all, she is sending mixed signals to you. She shouldn't have kissed you, especially now that she's with someone new. Perhaps she's with this new guy b/c she wants you to suffer a little. At this point in time, I think that it's best to just let her be for a while. She doesn't seem to know exactly what she wants either, b/c for one thing, she's telling you that she wants to marry you, and then, she runs off with someone else. She's truly confused of what she wants. However, if she was completely serious about marriage, then why would she even think about being with someone else? Unless if you truly made her feel as if you really did not know if she was the one. Sometimes women get discouraged especially if you don't know for sure after going out with them the first year and a half.

Instead of openly telling her 'I love You', you should keep it as something like, 'I care about you a lot, just know that you always got my back', it's not as bold, but it sounds more like a simple gesture of something a good friend would say. It can be open to different interpretations. Saying i love you straight out, might scare her off a little, since you don't know if she feels the same way.

You did not do anything wrong. It seems like you really didn't feel that much for the 2nd girl anyway. Actually, it's a good thing that you did not pursue anything with her. You were just being true to what you want. With your co-worker, if she's not ready, then she's simply not ready. Sometimes, it's not good to rush into emotions. One of the best relationships, in my opinion, start out really slowly, and then develops into something stronger. Otherwise, you don't want to be involved in a roller coaster romance.

No, I don't think that you should. From personal experience, it sounds like you are not ready. When the time's right, you will know. From what I've been through, I can tell you that it's best to wait. There's no point in rushing. If I could go back and change things I would. So, in a sense, you are very lucky. Once you start having intercourse, your brain releases this hormone called oxytoxin (correct my spelliing please, but I think that's how you spell it), anyway, once your body releases this hormone, it causes you to feel more love for this person. This hormone is also found during mother-child bonding such as breast feeding, thereforeeee, some mothers have maternal love for their children vs. some mothers don't. Well, once you start getting intimate with someone, especially for women, you'll find that you get emotionally attached. When you break up, it takes about a year for this hormone to stop generating (thereforeeee, that could be an explanation for why women do not move on as fast). Men work differently, their horomones for love addiction is not as intense. I learned all about this in one of my G.E. classes. So, my advice is to save it until you are married. Life is much less complicating when you don't do it. However, if you choose to, just make sure that you are emotionally stable enough to handle it. I mean with college coming up, you will need some kind of stability. Best of luck on your decisions. Sometimes it's good to learn from experience and not deprive yourself, but just make sure that you are prepared for it. Take Care!

Great! Now I understand what you're trying to say. It started to sound like a poem to me. Okay, now the story's a bit clearer. If your conversations aren't lastining too long, then I don't get her point either. I don't understand why she's so bothered by you, especially if she's older and made it clear that she doesn't date younger guys. This girl may have been dumped and heartbroken, but she's starting to sound as if she's already your g/f. Her expectations of you not calling conflicts with what she wants of you. I don't know, but either this gal has a personality problem, or is just severely depressed about the whole situation. Give it some time. Let her cool down. Maybe you should stop contacting her for a while, then see what happens. It's not your fault that she's acting up.

Give it some time, maybe when he's done liking this other person, he'll realize what he has next to him. In the meantime, you should start fishing somewhere else. There are plenty of other people that you can meet. Don't wait around, because it will only benefit him.

hahaha...me too!

I can see why you want out. He sounds exhausting! It's like you're the parent, and he's the whiner. He's probably pessissmistic, and you're not. That's why sometimes marriage can be sketchy, b/c you don't really know how the person truly is until you live with them day in and day out. To answer your question, how do you tell someone that you're not in love with them anymore: Like you've realized, it's not easy. But, I would approach it like this, "Honey, I'm tired of us arguing, we need to talk...our relationship obvioulsy is not healthy, it's not going anywhere, what do you think? What should we do?" At least by including the word 'we', you're allowing him to realize that you are confused, and you're not trying to neglect the relationship. Your situation is truly confusing. At least you have all of the bare necessities. Some couples are worst off, they have to deal with a divorce, and have to deal with trying to start a career, etc. Some couples divorce b/c they have to struggle in order to be financially stable. So, at least in that aspect, you're financially stable, and if a divorce were to occur, you won't have to be dependent on his income. Try your best to sit him down and talk. I'm no expert, but am glad to share my advice to you.

At least, you guys did bear any children together. It would make the situation even worse if you did. If he was dishonest to you in the beginning, what makes you thinik that he's been completely honest to you the whole time? I've had similar experiences with people who lied to me, and in the end, I found out that those lies did not stop, and consistantly continued until I ended it. In other words, I guess, in some way, you don't have to feel too guilty about your actions. It's kind of a sign though. You even know the answer. You basically fell out of love with him? The only bad thing is that the other guy, your co-worker, has kids. I feel sorry for his kids. I'm not a marriage counseler, but I think that the best thing to do is to communicate with your husband. See if you can rekindle things, if you really desire to, and see what happens from there. Oh, and by all means, stop contact with the co-worker. And with the new position, I think that you taking it would be great, however it also serves a different alternative, a way to dodge your problems and not confront these issues. Perhaps you need some time off.

Sounds like you're going through the first stage of the grieving process, denial. I learned about this in sociology class, and enotalone does have a topic about it as well. This is how the stages work, I used the acronym DABDA, to memorize it. 1. Denial- you're in denial about the breakup. 2. Anger- you are angry, frustated about the whole scenario, angry at yourself, angry at the world, and most of all, angry at your partner. 3. Bargaining- you will do anything to go back in time and change things, you attempt to save the relationship. 4. Depression- This is the longest phase for some people. You are sad, and will remain sad for quite some time. 5. Acceptance- you've accepted that the relationship is over, and are ready to move on. Periodically, however, you will swing back and forth between stages, but each time you go back, the time spent in those stages do shorten, unless if you continue on keeping contact with the ex. Everytime you keep in touch with your ex, you will move back to starting over in square one, the denial stage. I respect the fact that you respect women, but there's a limit to that you know. The let's wait and see approach won't benefit you. It clearly shows that you are in the denial/bargaining stage. I hope that this explanation helps. The pain that you're going through is almost like watching a kid at a dentists' office, not wanting to let go of their mother b/c, clinging too hard, crying and screaming b/c they're too scared of the pain. You sound so terrified, but I truly hope that this forum will help you in the healing process. Cheer up. Find yourself. She's not your world. Take care! Healing will take time, but you really need to sever ties with her in order to go back to 'normalcy'! Take Care!

Oh, no don't say that. It's not that she'll find someone better than you, it's just incompatiblity. It didn't work out. Don't put yourself down. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. This girl probably ain't all that anyway! No, really, don't bend your back to please someone who backstabs you. There's no need to be submissive and say that she'll find someone better than you. One day, she'll look back and appreciate what you did for her. Of course, it's a confusing time for you. I know how hard it is to get hurt. But, truly, don't put yourself down for her. Take care of yourself. Like I said, love yourself. You really need to find that peace in your heart. Her abuse is too toxic for you.

Wow, you really worshipped her didn't you? No, you were not a bad boyfriend. I'm sorry to break it to you, but she's clearly rejecting you in every aspect, even to the point where she might call the cops. Don't you think that's a bit extreme? I mean, if she truly does not appreciate your love for her, and is all of a sudden kicking you off the curb, don't you think that's somewhat unhealthy? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate your efforts, and then kicks sand in your face only to tell you that you're not good enough? In a healthy relationship, people don't swear at you, they kindly respect your efforts and love you for what you are. I think that you should refrain from her a while. Sounds like she's scared of you. Take a 180. Completely stop what you are doing right now, I'm sensing that she's a bit turned off. Once you stop worshipping the ground she walks on, maybe she'll turn around and ask you back. Meanwhile, there are plenty of people who would enjoy your company. You should take some time out, and love yourself, not her. You're hurt, so concentrate on mending your heart. Good Luck!

It depends...how long have you known her? If you've known her for a while, it's kind of inevitable to avoid her. Do you feel weird around her b/c you feel rejected? She could be acting this way b/c she just got out of a relationship. Sometimes, some girls need time to heal before they get into another serious relationship. The only thing that you can do for her right now is to be there to support her. She'll really appreciate it. It's not wise to dive into another relationship when you're currently trying to get over someone else. Besides, you don't want to be her rebound, so give it sometime. That's why I mentioned about how long you've known her. If you've gone out with her before, and have known her for a long time, then chances are you'll get back together again, especially if she's decided to keep you in her life. She probably sees prospects in you, but just is not ready yet.

No, I don't think so. It depends on if you're a guy or girl I guess... My ex told me that you can't be friends with someone who you find physically attracted to b/c they'll always be some kind of feeling there. But, he's really conservative, that's what I liked about him. Honestly, I can be friends with a guy whom I friend attractive, but I think that my ex is right a sense that I can't be close friends with him, b/c I think that I'll always have feelings for him, and it would be like emotional infidelity. Really, if two people are taken, but are attracted to each other, you don't think that they'll be some kind of flirting going on? Especially if they were to be secluded somewhere? One thing will lead to another, and then the situation just gets all messy.

Hello Mei Mei! Wlecome to Enotalone! I've noticed your posts lately, and don't want to sound rude or anything, but you really should not waste your time on books like these. Not at least for now. First of all, you guys are not married. Second of all, if you're relationship does not have a strong foundation, then what makes you think that it will work out even if your were married. You don't want a relationship to be built on insecurities, lies, and deception. This guy does not respect your feelings. He left you for another woman. There's no point in trying to salvage something that doesn't belong to you. If his lying, cheating-heart is inflicting so much pain to you, then why would you want to be with someone who will abuse your heart. It's like he treats you like garbage! He even used the crudded, "Oh, I think that we can't work out b/c we're culturally different." Yeah right man! I dated a guy, whom I never thought that I would interacially date, but did, and realize that culture does play a lot on a person's background, but does not necessarily alter their values. In other words, culture only defines background, not personality. He's obviously rejecting a big part of you. He's basically sneering upon your culture, and then saying that you're not good enough as a partner. I don't think that putting all of your eggs in one basket is a good investment. He's not worth it. A relationship is a 2-way street. Sounds like you're in this relationship alone, b/c he's not putting forth equal efforts. A relationship requires respect, honesty, generosity, and commitment to work things through as a union. You're hoping for something that will not become an image of what is 'ideal'. If he's like this now while you're dating, think about how he will be like as a husband material, someone neglectful. You don't want to be like those wives who their husbands end up walking out on them and their kids. You're not being too demanding, and you are certainly not expecting too much. In fact, you're cradling him too much. It hurts to see nice ladies like you being mistreated. I think that you will find someone who will respect you and your culture someday. Think long term. Think about the consequences. He's not the last person on this planet. You will find better! P.S.- Sorry to hear about the pain!

enadevoli: Wow! That's really good advice. Short, simple, and straight to the point. I completely agree with enadevoli on this. I would go along w/word for word what the previous post just said. If he gets mad at you b/c you want to take things slow, then chances are, he only sees you as an object, and only wants to get laid. He's not a nice person, and you will find better. If you allow yourself to sleep with him, then he will respect you less, and treat you worse. Sounds like he can't even look past the physical side, and get to know the real you. You need to find someone who will care for you, and will love you for you.

Oh, okay, I see. So it's one of those situations. Now I see. So she didn't find him just out of nowhere. You guys all have a history together. I could kind of relate to her in terms of relationships. I've had that problem too. I've never been single, and have always been in one relationship after another. I just recently understood why, and it's b/c I've always lacked a father-figure in my life since my father past away at a young age, I loved him dearly. He did everything for me, I was subconsiously always looking for someone who could be just like him. So, her problem could be linked to childhood experiences. The only difference is that now that I'm old enough to see this, I'm trying to correct my problem, which she should too, b/c being dependent on relationships for happiness is not a very healthy behavior. What she needs to do is allow time for herself to be on her own. Just like me. I've been trying to be single. It doesn't feel natural, but that's what's needed to be done in order to correct this unhealthy behavior. That does not necessarily mean that her problem has to become yours. I still think that it's selfish of her to keep you around. One thing that I would do if I were you is to tell her, "Look, if you want to remain friends, then you have to respect my space, and give me more time to heal, otherwise, I take it that you're too self-contained to even be a friend." Truly, if she is not self-centered, then she will repsect your wishes. Women tend to be understanding. So, if she could empathize with you, then she'll refrain. Afterwards, tell her that you can choose to be friends (it's almost unavoidable, since she's friends w/your sis), after you guys have been apart for a while. Meanwhile, you need to pick yourself up again, and regain your life. Your world doesn't revolve around hers anymore. I know that breakups are painful, but, it really helps when you do not keep in touch for a while. It really speeds up the process. It's really sweet how you still care for her, but you should take that energy and invest it on yourself, and your healing process. It's your time to realize that the world has so much more to offer than to just a heartache. Statistics show that other than the death of a loved one, divorce is second to one of the most devastating changes, stressors, in a person's life. What you're going through is natural. I hope that this helps. Good luck. Take it one day at a time. Later in 20 yrs., you'll look back and realize that this pain is nothing. Good news is that you'll have more positive memories to reflect on, and this pain is only temporary.

Well there's two companies that I know which sell them. One is Conair, you might find that at the local Wal-Mart or Sears, but I don't like this brand. My friend bought it, and it was really crappy and weak. The steam hardly came out. Another brand that my aunt bought was from one of these little ghetto shops, it's one of those imported brands from China, but it works great. I think that the U.S. gov.'t doesn't allow that product in the U.S., b/c of U.L. standards, but you might want to ask the people working at the esthetician shops or day spas where they get there supplies at, and then find a company that might sell one. Another tip is to boil hot water in pot, and then just take off the stove and then place a towel over yoiur head, and kind of do a teepee thing, put your face over the steam and cover yourself with the towel so that heat won't escape. But, that's too dangerous. Yeah, but steaming to me, is the best solution. You're not putting chemicals on your face, and everything is natural. However, when steaming, you don't want to wipe your face with a towel, b/c the bacteria stays in the towel, and every time you wipe your face, bacteria clings more to open pores, and it could make it worse. You should use cotton swabs, and don't use paper towels or kleenex, b/c the cotton fibers will also clog your pores. And about your situation, standing within a feet to really notice your pimples is really not a big deal. Maybe, you're just shy in general. I really don't think that you should prevent yourself from hanging out with others. Or perhaps subconsciously, it's all this t.v. stuff that makes you feel insecure. Media always portrays people as having this perfect image, as if you have to be a certain way to look 'socially acceptable'. I'm pretty sure that you're a nice person, and if people were to judge you based on appearance, then I think that they're too shallow to be a part of your life anyway.

I'm really shy. I feel more comfortable on the net, but I'm really shy in person. It's really frustrating sometimes. Especially when it comes to initiating conversations w/a guy that I like, so I can answer your post! 1. how do you act around a guy you like? list things that you would do I'm really quiet around the guy that I like. When he tries to talk to me, I'll give really short answers, smile, and then look away. You can subconsciously see that I like him through my body language. For some reason, I'll start to smile and then tilt my head over, and kind of brush my hair. I don't know, but I catch myself doing this. Other things that I would do is ignore him. I don't know, I just can't help it. There's this guy that I like in my Lab class, I think he likes me too b/c he tries to flirt and talk to me, but for some reason, I'm just too quiet around him. He'll say things to compliment me, and then I'll just smile and say something brief, and then not really add much to the conversation. I wish that I could talk to him more, but am too shy. The only way for me to really open up, is when the guy is persistent and bold enough to ask for my number. Slowly, when I talk to them, I begin to open up, and then be myself. It usually takes a while though. Unless, if that guy and I click instantly, I'll completely be myself, and again, once in a while resort back to being shy. (I don't know. It's weird, I can't explain why I do this.) 2. how would you act around a guy you just thought of as a friend and nothing more? Guys that I don't like, I'm usually not as shy around. I'll talk to them like business partners. Once in a while, I'll joke with them, but I feel more at ease, so I talk to them as if they're one of my girlfriends. Guys who I see as a friend and nothing more, I'll be really spontaneous around them, especially, if we've known each other for a long time. I'll joke with them even more, and also be blunt about my opinions. I tend to be more sarcastic around them.

If your girlfriend thinks that you are still hot despite the zits, then you probably are. Most girls, if they were to date someone, would at least hint on fixing the problem, they would at least say something about it. If a guy has moderate acne problem, then it wouldn't disturb me that much. There are some informercials about this product called P_____, something, I forgot the name of the product, but it's the one w/Vanessa Williams. Anyway, 2 of my friends, who have a major acne problem, used it, and it worked like a miracle. Another thing that might help is to buy a facial steamer, which steams your face, heats up your zit, and cleans out your pores so that it kills the bacteria from your pimples. It is a natural way of clearing up acne. I bought one for my ex, and it worked. However, when he stopped using it, his acne came back. I think that if your g/f is not complaining, then you're fine. However, acne is somewhat disturbing if there's too much. I mean I wouldn't want to go out w/someone who looks like a cherry tree, with a whole bunch of zits ready to squirt on me. J/K (That's really to the extreme, I know some guys with this problem, and they don't have g/fs). I mean really, if your zits and blackheads look overly huge, with profusely sweating/oily skin, and with whiteheads about to pop out at you, then you have an issue. Just take it one step at a time. Also, Neutrogen helps. Try Neutrogena's Non-Alcholic toner. Oh, and use all of these products all at once. First, soap. Second, steam. Third, soap again. Fourth, rinse. Fifth, toner. I'm pretty sure that your conditions not too bad. I know what you mean about self esteem issue, my bestfriend has lots of acne, she looks beautiful, but she thinks that she looks ugly. Guys still hit on her. So, I'm pretty sure you're being somewhat hard on yourself.

I'm really sorry to hear about your break up. It sounds like she's just toying you around. She's playing with your heart. Even if her actions are unintentional, it's rather selfish don't you think? I mean, here you are, constantly thinking about her, sad about the break up, and where is she? Off with someone new. How convenient for her to talk to her ex, yet try to start a new relationship with someone else. She has the best of both worlds. If you really want to know what she thinks, think about if she really bothers to stop and think about what you're thinking. Regardless if your relationship is over, but shouldn't two friends care about each other's well-being. Friendship is about reciprocating, and she is obviously not being a friend by choosing that guy over you. In other words, she's only thinking of herself. I don't want to sound too harsh, but she's stepping all over you. Maybe she's a nice person, but her actions show that she does not want you. She does not think of you as 'the one'. Sure, no doubt, some couples grow up, and get back together once they mature, but it sounds like things are not working out right now. The best thing that you could do is to tell her exactly that you cannot maintain a friendship. You have to be a little cold, even if you don't want to, b/c your only feeding onto her emotions, and she's just taking advantage of it. She needs time to figure things out on her own, and you don't need to be there for her. I know that this is not what you want to hear, but that's what's needed to be done. Right now, she's not thinking much of you. Her consistancy in contacting you shows that (exactly what Genesis said), "she's lying to herself".

Maybe he's married. That's probably why he's always so tied up. Personally, I don't think that picking up a guy at the gym will be the best thing to do. It's like a meatmarket. If he could pick you up at the gym, then what makes you think that he won't do that to others. That's just my opinion. However, some people do end up meeting someone that they want to settle down with at gyms, but that's a rare occasion. He's being unresponsive, so I'd be skeptical about the situation.

I personally think that you know what you want, and what you want isn't him. It sounds kind of selfish, but in your situation, it's difficult b/c you don't want to be selfish, you want to work it out for the sake of your daughter. With or without Brian, I think that you all ready know that you are fed up with all of the fights. After going through it so many times, you realize what's right for you. Instead of settling down just for Mike, I think that you should try hard to move on. After all, you guys are not married, and he is not the only person for you.

I think that she feels guilty for dumping you. She's being friendly b/c she doesn't want to feel like a bad person. In some ways, I think that she still feels more connected to you than with her new b/f. Basically, she hasn't gotten over the attachment with you. Also, you mentioned that she started dating someone right after you, I think that she just feels like she needs to explore her options, but at the same time, keep you around b/c you are her comfort zone. The best thing that you could do for now, is to stop contact. Even if you still love her, she has to figure out what she wants, even though she's made it clear to you that she does not want to be with you. In other words, I don't think that you should hang onto her. It's not fair for you. Let her learn. I truly don't think that this new relationship will work out since she still confides in you. She obviously has not let go of the past.