GregB

Placed a personal ad and got a response. She was attracted to my pic and my use of comedic irony in my ad. Her pic showed a very pretty face, obviously a bit overweight but as I get older, I'm not so bothered by this. The problem? I'm bothered by it. We talked on Pager for a few hours, and then switched over to phone. All in all, we talked for about 8 hours and discovered everything in the universe in common. The next day, we met for drinks and this is where I discovered she's just a bit passed the threshold of heaviness I can deal with. Still, pretty face, voice and she takes care of herself. We had a good time, not too much lagging in the conversation. I made myself determined to avoid being turned off by the excessive weight. She invited me back to her place for movie watching. She owns her own home and it's a man's paradise. Everything in black, bar in the basement, and she's decorating medieval. Being there felt like home. Compared to me, she's rich. Being with her would like having a sugar mama. I have no personal sense of security for the future, at 31 I am pretty much directionless. Anyway, we slept together, and we got physical. We turned each other on pretty well, but I found that giving her oral was not pleasurable, and it's something I enjoy doing. I don't know if it's because she's bigger, that the experience is not as pleasant. It's not something I'm eager to do again. Making out was great, sex was awkward. Condom sex is irritating to me in the first place, but for some reason the lube or her natural moisture wasn't working. Was going to try a different condom but by the time I got back the penis wasn't having any more of it. If she were thinner, I'm pretty sure none of this would've been a problem. Went back today but I made it a point not to have sex, just hang out. We did cuddle and kiss a bit, but when it came time for bed I said that I needed to sleep at home, that I was tired from our two-day whirlwind. It's safe to say we're already boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm in already and don't know if I should be. I sort of feel like If I stick with her, I'm going to be a man-whore. On the other hand, maybe I should be a man whore? I can tell you this, if she were overall more attractive to me, I wouldn't have come home tonight, that's for sure. I am deeply confused because she does have a pretty face and we have everything in common and a good rapport. I don't want to be a Shallow Hal here. What do you think?

Well, hmmm... The stock answer here is simply "Tell her how you feel". Of course, you already know this. Don't worry about the guy she's seeing, it's not like she's married. I wish you the best, but in my 31 years I've never seen this go well, except for one time a friend of mine who had a crush on his best friend's girlfriend all through high school. He waited and waited and waited until they were both like 21/22 and she was finally having problems with the boyfriend (Who was *clearly* gay by the way) and he finally told her how he felt about her. Well, as far as I know they're still together. She was ridiculously hot and popular, brainy type, wealthy family, and he was a total geek complete with velcro shoes and little hope for the future. It is the one miracle story I cling to when dealing with this sort of thing. So, it's been done, but crazy scary odds. Good luck. -GregB

Platonic Hell. How do we men find ourselves stuck in this? Somehow, we missed a gene I think. Men and women cannot be friends. Women who choose men as friends are in denial that the male friends want them sexually. Men who choose female friends are in denial of the fact that they will never have them. See, at some point, we stuck in Platonic Hell decide that our wants and needs are secondary to that of the woman's. This happens the first time we compromise our feelings. We think that we are being considerate, but we are really being weak and the woman picks up on this. This effectively neuters us in their eyes and we might as well be women to them, even if they found us attractive in the first place. It is our job to want women sexually. When we spend time with a woman, we are expected to want them. When we fail to deliver, we are shown the "friend zone" welcome mat. I'm afraid you are neck deep in the friend zone with this girl. At best, you can expect a 10-year "When Harry Met Sally" scenario and maybe someday she'll realize what a great basis for a relationship you both have. But it won't happen now, not with college, and turning 21 and new jobs and so forth. She doesn't know what she wants, and neither should you really. You must get over her, and then maybe you can truly be friends. I was in platonic hell with a woman for four years. I had to end our friendship for two years before I was able to talk to her again. I can honestly say that I no longer want her sexually or emotionally, and we are able to be real friends. However, now that my drive is gone for her, our friendship is far less *urgent* as it used to be, if you get my meaning. Ultimately, trying to decipher this woman is folly on your part. Women aren't all that fickle. You think she wants you, but isn't admitting it. Well, why is she admitting it for this guy at work then? If she really wanted you physically or emotionally, she'd let you know as she let this work guy know. You see? Don't disrespect her intelligence by assuming she can't communicate her desires properly. (Unless she's a virgin) -GregB

Yep, what Heart said. But less cynical, this means that they do like you which is always better than total indifference or apathy for your existence. -GregB

Oy vey, enjoy this while it lasts! If only more women would make moves and take control in a relationship in a positive, forward momentum sort of way. -GregB

It's a fact of life. It never gets any easier either, until you're in the same situation and you understand. Even then it's still a bitch when it happens. -GregB

Dude, stop playing games and the next time you two are close like that, make a bloody move. That's all. She sounds kind of loose though, so I wouldn't expect any sort of immediate commitment. -GregB

Hmmm, well, In my estimation, the relationship is already over and/or doomed for the above reasons. However, there is an axiom that you may be able to exploit to your advantage if you want to draw it out as long as possible. Remember that girls who get a lot of attention are always most intrigued by the guys who *don't* give her attention. But you have to be a thespian to pull this off, because you can withdraw your attention from her but she will still be able to smell your desperation for her. In otherwords, you have to really sell the idea that you no longer find her attractive, and are staying with her out of bad habit. It would help you out if you were to show a little interest in other women. Nothing too overt, but maybe try flirting with her friends a little bit? She takes you for granted, and she's probably bored by that non-challenge. Let her know you're a man, and you are drawn to the fire, not the ice. -GregB

Are you totally sure that you're not addicted to the drama of all this? Take a moment and imagine that your boyfriend started behaving exactly the way you think you'd want him to. How long can you sustain that fantasy? Probably not very long until you start wondering if there's anything new on the pager. Ask yourself why these girls want to maintain a friendship with this guy. Maybe he's the best listener in the entire world and you have totally missed it because you're being jealous and paranoid at all hours. If you can set all of that aside for five minutes and start trying to be his friend rather than his accuser maybe you'll find yourself becoming his friend too, maybe even his best friend. ON top of that, you'll continue to have your needs provided for and your children benefitting from two parents. -GregB

I'm guessing this girl is between the ages of 19 and 20. She is discovering her sexual power and is enjoying the rampant attention that a young hottie always gets. She may not even be consciously aware of her own strength, thinking that she is just being "nice" to your friends and that they are being "nice" to her and everyone is getting along and having fun. Of course, we guys know better. We know that the guys aren't being nice at all, and that they would gladly sell you down the river if given the chance to bang your girl. We strongly suspect that the girl will sell you down the river for the first guy that comes along that's slightly "better" than you be it more ambition, better car, their own place etc. This is of course, 99% of the time, entirely true. It is just a fact of life that nobody at this age is ready or truly willing to settle down with anyone when they are just getting started with their freedom. You and I both know that it has happened, and that some girls *do* settle down at this time, but it is rare, and the girls that do do NOT go around sending signals all over the place to her boyfriend's friends. I recommend facing this, lightening up a bit with her, and just enjoy a hottie while she lasts. If she does go off with one of your friends, be the bigger man and wish them the best. Even if it hurts to do so. -GregB

If you can barely talk to a woman at this point, then don't worry about sex just yet. You're putting the cart before the horse! But I can see you're getting eager, so just a bit of advice. Do NOT run off and eff the first girl who's throwing herself at you. That's what I did, and I ruined a relationship with a lovely girl who wasn't ready yet. I regret losing my virginity to the slut I gave it to. Meet a nice girl, fall in love, and be patient. As for talking to girls, the best advice is posted above. Listen, and let her talk about herself. Use her own words to queue you on what to ask next. If you can relate to what she is saying, elaborate but always bring it back to her. In this type of program, you may feel that she is not learning anything about you, but really she is. She is learning that you alone are a great listener, and she will project all sorts of positive attributes to you based on that alone. Furthermore, the less she really knows about you, the more of a mystery you'll be, and that's ALWAYS a good thing with a woman. -GregB

Recently a long-time co-worker, Jess, came to a party I threw and after a girl I am sort-of seeing left, she started clinging to me. I gradually realized that she's been around for every event I've been a part of, even when it would clearly be boring on her part to be there. So, I started to suspect she was in to me. I tested the waters, and she admitted to it, and I kissed her. She didn't seem to mind the kissing, but then afterwords, she totally flaked. I've always considered her a good friend, and it's crossed my mind more than a couple times that maybe I should work on her and see what happens, but this flaking out process completely turned me off to her both as a potential lover *and* as a friend. I didn't have her number, and asked her to give me a call. (There's a long story that I will omit about why I wasn't able to get HER number...) Days went by and no call. Finally , we worked together and I was really upset that she didn't have the honor to call and sort things out before having to work together again. The next time we worked together she had the nerve to say "Hi" like nothing was amiss and I totally blew HER off, and to this day I refuse to say word one to her until she takes responsibility for that night and explains herself and her treatment of me. To put the icing on the cake, I've heard from a few people at work that she's running about telling people I "Misconstrued some things" and that the kissing was unwelcomed. Trust me, this is not the case but now I'm having to explain to everyone how batty the whole thing is. Still, I know well enough that most people tend to believe the girl in every situation. So, my advice then, is to really know who you're dealing with here. Has she done this to others? Jess has, I've come to find out. Remember that as a Man, you have to project self-respect and strength at all times. If you falter, you will get trampled on. Act, not react. Before you get really angry, like I did, call her and tell her in no uncertain terms what it is you want from her. Be very firm, direct and resolved. Explain that you miss spending time with her, but you feel that the friendship has run it's course the way it was. You are ready to take what you already had and add the physical element. She will say "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" or "I think we should just be friends" Bid her good day and and wait for her to come around. If she misses what you had, she will come back. If not, then she wasn't invested in you as much as you were her in the first place, and the whole thing probably would've ended badly in the first place. -GregB

I'm 31 and I'm "hanging out" with a girl who only recently turned 18. She's everything a guy could ever want in a woman, but I have to accept that she's not ready for what I want even if she felt the same way about me. She's got to go to college, meet guys, get drunk at frat parties, experiment with girls....you know, the usual stuff young people have to go through before they really know what they want out of life. I've also dated women much older than me. Older women (Women in their forties) tend to have given up on love and are now looking for the long-term meal ticket as they proceed to fall apart physically. I can't blame them, I guess. I'm 31 and I've just about given up on love myself. I guess my conclusion is then, for long-term happiness, you should probably stick to people no more than 9 years older or younger than yourself. In the event you find yourself with someone more young or older than this, admit up front that it won't be a long term thing then just proceed to make the most of your time together until it eventually falls apart. At least you'll have known it was coming. And if it doesn't, hey. -GregB

Buddy, I hear you and I can add another frustrating tidbit to the pot. I've finally, after almost 20 years (I'm 31) found a girl who treats me with honor, respect kindness and sincerity. She calls me when she says she's going to, she shows up when she says she's going to, she makes it a point to pay occasionally and has no problem being alone with me at my house with champagne involved. She's beautiful, intelligent, funny as hell and not at all pretensious, self absorbed or slutty. The problem? She's got no romantic interest in me whatsoever as far as I can tell and in about six weeks she's leaving the state for college. -GregB

Yes, you are a selfish jerk. Why in hell are you so important that your every whim and moment must be satisfied at the expense of other human beings and their feelings? You, sir, are the problem with Western Society and you are the reason that decent men are constantly shat apon by bitter women who were scorned by the likes of you. If there is a Hell, I sincerely hope to see you in it. -GregB

What I'm hearing here is outdated notions of sexual behaviour. It sounds to me like you didn't necessarily want to have sex, that you caved in to his demands. In essense, you gave your boyfriend all the power, and when his demands were met, his need for that power dissipated. This is why you, as a woman, need to empower yourself in the future. You have to come to grips that your sexual identity is your own, and nobody elses. You should discover yourself sexually, and find your appetite for the act itself for it's own merits. Religions want you to believe that love and sex MUST go together, but the reality is they do not. Hence: You must first take responsibility for having sex. Say to yourself "Okay, I had sex" Did you enjoy the sex? If you did, then realize that you are now free to explore that sort of pleasure with whomever you see fit. Take precautions, but live your life with honesty and honor and you shouldn't go wrong. If you did not enjoy the sex, and I suspect you didn't, ask yourself why. I'm guessing you did not have an orgasm. Learn how to have them, what works for you, then the next time you have a partner make sure they understand how to make it happen for you, so you know what it feels like with another person. Most religions have pretty much given up trying to govern people's sexual lives. Remember the golden rule is "Do unto others..." and act accordingly and learn to open up your appetite for pleasure. In no time at all you will look back at this current relationship (Which I'm pretty sure is 100% over, or at least it should be...) and you will laugh and feel kind of silly. -GregB

I agree with the above response. I once had to do something similar with a woman I was in love with for multiple years. We were strictly platonic, but i of course was carrying a torch for her and in spite of numerous embarrassing overtures, she never caved. Finally, I had to tell her that I had to go, and it was all too painful. It took me two years to really get over her and forget about her. I wrote and recorded an entire album of some very dark Heavy Metal that was all either directly or indirectly about her and my feelings over 5-6 years. (It sounds cheesy, I know, but actually it's good stuff.) Finally, after two years, we are best friends again and I can honestly say I don't want anything else from her and am glad we're healthy at this point. So I will add Art Therapy to the advice. Write a novel, paint, bad poetry, anything to get it all out of your system. Do NOT take to the bottle. Use this time to be creative and you just might find something about yourself to take pride in and redefine who you are. -GregB

Well, if I've learned one thing, it's that women don't really liked to be asked if they can be kissed. When they want a guy, they want the guy to take them and be confident. If they really want a guy, they will be sure to provide enough signals and moments for the guy to feel the confidence. However, sometimes a woman might be indifferent to a guy. She might not turn him down for a fling, but she's not going to work to make it happen either. So, it's up to the guy to make the right overture. Regarding the champagne, remember I have two bottles here: One is just sparkling grape juice and the other is champagne. I'm kind of setting up a "Matrix" choice here...blue pill or red pill? If she takes the champagne then we're through the looking glass. If she takes the sparkling grape, then...well...not so much. But there's a choice, and she's no idiot. Hell, she's a lot smarter than me. As for the morality issue of giving an 18 year old Champagne, I can only say that I work with a lot of people between 18-20 who are practically alcoholics at this point not to mention ungodly amounts of drugs. I can tell you that I've seen her drink on one other occasion and she's not going to get drunk. She cuts herself off. -GB

Do you really want to end up going through the whole process of getting over her again? It's a risk you'll have to take if you get back with her. On the other, less cynical hand, why not give her a call and ask her to lunch? Tell her you've been thinking about her and want to hear how her life is going. If the attraction is still there, it will be undeniable and sparks will fly. If the event kind of fizzles, then you'll know you were both just being nostaligic for the good times and forgetting the bad. -GB

I will try to keep this brief. Background: Me: 31. Her: 18. We have done the following: 3 lunches, 2 on me and 1 on her. Karaoke with "The Gang". A couple of lengthy phone calls. We also work together. She's leaving the state for college in August. All told, we have been "Hanging out" for about 3.5 weeks. I know that if anything happens, it will be over when it's time for her to go. I could fall for her, but I'm not a very selfish person and know that she's got a lot of life to live before she ever settles down with someone, and I know it will be someone with more going on than me. So, I'll wish her the best and be happy for what little time we had. Okay, so my problem is this: She has not presented any opportunity to make a move. Okay, I suppose I could've went for hand holding when we walked from the restaraunt to the coffee shop that one time, but it lacked context and I felt it was too soon (1st date). However, at the end of dates, she tends to kind of run off as fast as possible. Now, I'm no idiot, and I'm pretty sure this means she's doing that on purpose for the specific reason of avoiding the obligatory "move". I have told her that I'd like to think that we were "Dating" as opposed to "hanging out". She didn't really reply to that except to sidestep the issue. Later down the road, I said that I figured out that we weren't dating on my own. She said "Thank you, that'll avoid a lot of awkwardness..." and we continued to do stuff together. Case closed? I'm not so sure. Tonight, she is coming over to my place to watch her favorite movie "Say Anything". (Say Anything is kind of similar to her situation if you're familiar with the plot.) It will be just her and I, alone in my room, watching this very romantic movie. To add fuel to the fire, I picked up a bottle of champagne and made a fruit/cheese plate. She might balk at the champagne, she's not a big drinker, so I also got a bottle of sparkling grape. The question then is this: Do I make a move??? How do I make a move and when? Would you say that this girl really *wants* me to make a move in spite of our sort of dodgy communication on whether or not we are dating? I was thinking about this, and one's usual thought is "I don't want to risk the friendship". Well, we'll never be superfriends due to her leaving in August. There's nothing much to lose, except for "hanging out" for the next month and a half. I tend to think that she wouldn't put herself in this situation unless she wanted to be moved in on. However, I could be totally wrong and she could be more naive then she lets on. When I was young, I never had to make a move I wasn't sure about. As an older man, I'm less and less sure when a girl likes me. Either that, or they just don't and I want to believe they do. I suppose I'm deeply afraid of the awkward moment. I don't want to miss an opportunity because of fear though. Deep down, I believe that when a man and a woman are alone together, the right actions, words and timing can turn any situation into romance. The man just needs the right key. What do you think? -Greg B

Here's my problem: I'm 31 and have been in an emotional coma for about 4 years, and prior to this I was in platonic hell with a woman for four years. In short, I forgot how to date. However, I did not forget how to *get* a date. I'm a fairly handsome guy, intelligent, funny etc. Not a lot of money here or fancy car, but folks like me and everythings fine. Last week I asked out a new girl at work, a Hostess, who was enjoying my attention to her and we had a common interest in singing and Indian food. I asked her out for lunch and she agreed! (Yay!) Quite remarkable for my ego, as she's 18 and gorgeous and I'm 31 and well, I've seen better days (Losing hair etc.) Anyhow, today was the day and she showed up and we had a good time. We had to settle for Arabic food since the Indian place was unexpectedly closed. As I said above, she seemed to be enjoying the attention I was giving to her yet I did not find much of it reciprocated. She didn't have much to ask me, and I found that a tiny bit off-putting. When it was all over, and we approached our cars, there was not a single moment's pause for anything intimate to occur, which is fine, (this is the first "date or whatever") but a very rapid "Well, see you at work" and she was off just like that. We both then proceeded to work after the date and things were fine. The date sort of continued later that night with Karaoke. After work we met with friends at the local Karaoke place. We're both great singers and I gave her as much praise as I could without getting nutty about it. She once again was not much into reciprocation though. I don't think she cared much for my material, first of all, but the bigger picture is she seems pretty self-centered. Not in a horrible way or anything, but enough to make me feel like I could've been just about anyone there with her and she wouldn't have known the difference. Well, she left earlier than any of the rest of us, and I walked her out to her car. She thanked me for the day and all, but no opportunity for anything else there. I would say, in fairness, that throughout the course of the day I was getting mixed signals. So the problem is this: I'm not really clear how to parlait the opportunity of being out with her into something more intimate. I forgot how to make the first move, and I have no idea when it's appropriate to make it or how to react in the event that it goes horribly wrong if I do. Any advice would be helpful thanks! -Greg B