need2bme

I used to watch porn as well. I turned sex into a type of obsession. Some porn may be ok, but for me; I wanted to be sure that it wasn't all about the fantasy, the outfits, the dirty talk or just about the sex. No more looking at someone as an object and more of looking at her as she is...a wonderful woman who I want to be closer to and have great intimacy with. With all that porn, it is quite possible there may be somethng else going on. 1. Inability to be intimate, other than sex. 2. Stressed about something he cannot tell you about. 3. Losing interest. 4. ...or lots of other things. Sit down with him again and ask him, but don't accuse...

First of all, stop comparing yourself to anyone, even her. That is a trap you don't wanna catch yourself in. I killed my heart, and hers, by doing that. Second, you know what you need to do and you are trying to do it. Give yourself credit for that. Also, you will compare your new dates to the ex. That my friend, is human nature. Try to be objective in how you look at them. Do you like them because they are similar to the ex, or different? Besides, look at all you have learned that you do or do not want in a relationship. Lastly, while I do believe that having money and being out on your own, will cause you to develop a different outlook on life, than someone who isn't, I too will agree with your statement, "I didn't think that something like financial independence and living on your own gave you a mentality different enough to not be able to connect."

Paco: I feel your pain everytime I read a post. It is as if you feel you don't want her to call and it would be bad for her to call, but you kinda wish she would call and things would be different. Well, maybe that is just how I feel, but I sense a little of that in you. Maybe we all feel that way at some time.

True. I say pick a day a little while from now (like the 3 weeks mentioned) and tell your brain and subconscious that it is ok to talk to her. Then, when you get to that date, either talk to her or move the date. People in some 12 Step programs, use that trick all the time. My advice is not to call her now though, when you are so anxious.

Email whomever. Just tell them about yourself. Tell them you are getting a headstart. Besides, you are going to be there sooner or later; right?

I am right there with you...RIGHT THERE! The GF of a VERY LONG TIME, decided to call it quits last year. She now has a new BF that is moving in. We have been separated with me working in another area, for about a year and broken up for about almost 8 months. Now mind you, this guy is moving into the apartment that I had with her. It really eats at me. But, ya know what? I cannot change it. I would like to have a chance with her, but I don't have it. I will not miss trying to convince her to talk to me though. So, in November of last year, a beautiful woman asked me out. She was 37, had no kids (but wanted them) and was (I thought) a woman who had it all together. Needless to say, it went really fast and she bailed. I think if she would have given it a chance, it might have developed into something. I must admit that now with the feeling I have for my ex, who knows. Look at it this way; You are not stuck with someone who secretly does not love you. Most of the time when someone finally leaves, they have been thinking about it for a while. In fact, it is said and I believe that they leave the relationship mentally, long before they actually tell us. Also, you can fix appliances girlie AND you are going for your PhD. Say it with me, "your PhD". I am still working for my degree right now and you are on your PhD. Any time you feel lonely, just come on here and post. {HUGS!!!}

There is only one thing you can do and that is to give her time. You know this. I am telling you, and my kids don't listen either ;-) (I never listen...), but you cannot make her feel something she doesn't. What you can do, is to love her enough to let go, wait a little and see what happens. I know this is not what you want to hear, but what is your alternative? Continue the way you are and make your heart into mush? That is what I did and I don't reccommend it.

Lachi: Who cares if he saw? What I mean by that is that I think more than 1 person knows who I am here. I accidently left a posting at my ex's house. I asked her not to read it and think I can trust that, but if she didn't read it, she is a better person than I am. Of course, she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. PP: Ya know what? I know exactly how you feel. Don't let him string you with the "friend" stuff. Why? So he can have everything? I have a friend (a girl) who tells me that I should absolutely be friends with the ex. Something along the lines of us knowing each other so well. So, basically, she gets to hold my hand, laugh at the silliness she misses, see me every day without working on us. Hell, that is what was happening before. To me, it still seems like I am telling her it is all ok with me. I totally accept her right to leave and I want nothing more than for her to be happy, but she cannot just hang out with me like nothing happened. I cannot do that. Maybe some day, but right now, it would hurt too bad.

Dan: I don't see anywhere in my advice that states that you should tell her she is seeing someone. ;-) Now, you know her better than we do, so maybe you saw something differently. What I meant, was that the girl I was with, put the brakes on and put them on quick. I simply meant that when someone needs space, there is usually something wrong. I realize that there is a fine line that one must walk, in that you want to be able to deal with your problems and don't want to bring anyone else in, but then there are times that a significant other wants to be a part of the soloution, because we love them. I guess everyone deals with everything in their own way. I meant to let her know that you are there for her and you are giving her her space... Good luck...

Tray: Robo gives some good advice on this one and it rings true in my sitch, as well. Sometimes, we have to just be there. I never learned, until now, to just give. It is normal to feel jaded or unwanted, but if your GF was laying on the couch with a hurt back and in so much pain she was throwing up and had to go to the emergency room; would you sleep in your bed? Of course you wouldn't. You would sleep on the floor right next to her, holding her hand and letting her know that you were right there. I too am not saying that you do not matter. You do. I too used to get very confused at what my ex was thinking and she would never talk about it. She keeps everything inside. So, even when she was feeling bad, I took it as a sign that she had issues with me. Sooner or later, we all have to realize how to put the baggage down and love unconditionally. This is NOT an attack, it is simply advice on what I am learning. Also, just because someone is in pain, I agree that it does not give them free reign to make you feel bad, but you could bring that up at a later time in an appropriate matter. As for texting her, I think you did just fine. You are not a mind reader. Give her the space she needs and let her contact you. I know it is hard, but you have done your part. If you want, then call her in about a week, "just to see how she is doing". It will all be ok. You did the right thing. Now, just remember that you care for her.

The fear is normal. I am fearful of MANY, MANY things. I am learning to overcome them. One thing we should never live in fear of though, is the one we love. We should not be fearful of the relationship. I try to ask myself daily, did it hurt more when she treated me as if I didn't matter (even if she didn't mean to) or will it hurt more, when she is not here. The both REALLY hurt, but if she is gone, she cannot remind you of you hurting yourself. You saying it is ok to cheat. This is obviously still bother ing you and while I can understand why people don't tell the whole truth, I still cannot understand or condone cheating. Only you know if you can still love her. In my case, I wasn't cheated on, but I could not trust her not to hurt me. I am beginning to see that now (however little). Can you guys take a little time away from each other? Maybe that is what you need. BTW, as an aside, I found I have a hard time with myself. Do you like yourself, or do you find ways to sabotage yourself?

I agree that she loves you, but just because she loves you (yes I am about to be cliche here), does not mean that she is "in-love" with you. I KNOW it hurt my ex to break up, I even know it hurt the "3 week" ex to tell me that she "needed space", but it doesn't mean they love you enough to stay. Also, running out into the cold air of the unkown is daunting, to say the least. The "grass is always greener" and "we all want what we can't have". I am sure she thinks a life without you would not be fun, but she broke the news to you and it must have been rattling around in there somewhere and it came out for a reason. I also think that you have to remember you. If you do run back, as stated before, then you are sending a CLEAR signal that it is ok for her to do this, even if it is only subconsciously. Give yourself some time and that will let her know that you matter. I agree with everyone, but will add to take "Crazyaboutdogs" advice. However, I don't think you need to say too much at all. Simply say that you know she said what she said for a reason. You love her dearly and want her to be happy. You respect her enough to give her some space. You don't want to break up, but ask that she use this time to figure out what she thinks about your relationship. Tell her you love her and don't get into talking about the relationship. Then, go have fun. At night, you can reflect on what the relationship means to you. Above all, don't call her. If she calls you, just text her gently and remind her to please take the time. Hope this helps and good luck!!!

Agreed. Leo, thanks from me, as well. I will also print this out. I am sure that my ex feels that way, it is just that I cannot come to grips with it yet. Also, as I have stated before, I am trying to remember that for everything I can say that she did or that I don't understand about her, she could counter with a statement of her own, about me.

...or here is another GREAT article, about breaking up.... Friends After Break Up… Why Won’t He Return My Calls? The Question: Last year Jim and I dated for a month then broke up. We’ve known each other for 4 years and after the break up last year we still remained friends. And then, this year in April we got back together again but he broke up with me about a month ago. He said he never wants to see or speak to me. Please tell me why he suddenly doesn’t want to be friends? Please help me because I need to know this to get over him. The Answer: There are many reasons why he may no longer want to be friends. Here are some possible reasons why some find it difficult to stay friends after a breakup… He may need time to heal emotionally. It could be painful to see you. He may be seeing someone else and fears that being friends with you may jeopardize his new relationship. If the breakup was difficult, he may be angry at you and need some time to cool off. Being around you may bring up emotions and feelings that he’s trying to suppress. It could be one of these or a hundred other different reasons and you’ll make yourself crazy trying to guess what that reason is. In the end, the ‘why’ doesn’t really matter because it’s an emotional decision, not a logical decision. When we try to identify the ‘why’, what we’re really doing is trying to come up with a logical explanation for an emotional decision. If you stop and think about this for just a moment, you’ll see why it doesn’t make sense to even try. So whatever the reasons, he’s decided that the two of you can’t be together and you need to face that and move forward with your life. If you continue to try to figure it out, you’ll just end up blaming and finding all kinds of faults with yourself, which will in turn make you miserable. If you keep pushing him, you could end up spoiling any chance of a future friendship. So STOP! Yes, right now. It’s time for you to move on with your life and find happiness. One of the best ways to get over the pain of a relationship that has ended is to get back out there and date some new people - find that connection again. Contrary to what some people think, we don’t believe it’s necessary to be miserable and alone for a certain period of time after a breakup just to avoid the rebound zone. Being lonely and alone won’t make you or anyone else happy. It’s almost like punishing yourself for no reason. But what about these rebound relationships that we’re always hearing about? Don’t people warn you to stay away from rebound relationships? Well, yes and no. Just be aware that when you break up with someone it’s very common to find someone that’s the exact opposite of the last person you were with. More specifically, the exact opposite of whatever you think didn’t like about your previous partner. This is good and bad. It’s good because experiencing many different types of people and relationships allows you to better identify the exact type of person who is really right for you. It’s bad because, this new ‘opposite’ person may also be opposite in all of the things that you actually liked about your previous partner. Just keep this in mind as you find yourself attracted to new people. Stop and ask yourself what it is that you like about him or her and make sure that it’s not just that they are ‘not’ like your previous partner. By the way, if you do prefer to be alone for a while that’s OK too. It’s your life; you make the rules. Do what feels right in your heart. Trying to figure out why your last relationship ended isn’t going to help you, it’s only going to make you miserable. So, keep an open mind, call up some friends, and go meet some new people. Listen to the advice of those you trust most and then always, always follow your heart even if it goes against their advice. You are in control of your destiny and what’s right for them may not be what’s right for you.

OK, I know this is not the area to post this, so on the words of the Torch; "FLAME ON!!!" ;-) I just thought this post, by someone calling themselves "Zen Baby", was SO AWESOME!!! It is long, but I am hoping you can find time to read it. Zen Baby on Trust What do you trust? What do you base your trust in? Do you believe that if you go to a good school you will get a good job? If you get a good job you will get a good girlfriend who will then become your good wife and then you can move to a good area and get a good car and then have good kids and send them to a good school and then everything will be good? So what happens when you went to a good school and got good grades and got a good job? You got a good amount of money and you became very popular and successful and then you got lots of good looking women after you. So you trusted you were in good shape and you dated these women and the sex was good and the conversation was good and everything seemed good so you let your heart get involved and you trusted them, but then you found out that they were cheating on you and lying to you and then the trust was broken. But you were still good. You had your job. So then you poured all your energy into your job and your work and you did well and then all of a sudden you lost your job even though you did good and since you did good, you trusted that you would be kept there because you were good. So then you're still ok. You have friends, you have a good degree, you had a good job and you think that you will be all good. So you look for a good job and since you have all the good cards, you think you will find one, but then you don't and so then you start not feeling so good. Then those people you thought were your good friends and who you thought were good people start becoming distant and uncaring and unsupportive. Then you stop trusting that you're good. You start feeling that you're not good enough and that all of this is happening because you did something wrong or you aren't good enough. So you go into a state where on the outside you try to please and give more to earn your worth. You are more social and you are as good as you can be, but even then you still don't feel good enough. Then you discover over time that people are using you and you are letting them because you feel that if you are good enough, do enough, are pretty enough, are rich enough, and are powerful enough, that all will be good. Then someone comes into your life and challenges your perspective of good by saying that you are good even though you're broke, you have nothing to give and you are depressed all the time. But you don't believe this. You can't trust this. You don't think you are good and you don't believe that you can be good unless you have a good job, a good place, a good girlfriend, a good car, a good family, a good body, a good sex partner, a good credit card. So when someone tells you that they love you even though you feel you're bad and you have nothing to offer, it makes you confused and disturbed. Why? Because it challenges everything you have based your worth and trust in. Because it goes against the system which controls you and has made you into a puppet. Then you either believe that you are good and it has nothing to do with being good or you reject that concept and get back on the being good treadmill. Once upon a time we said "In God We Trust," which meant "In God We Trust." We used to base our worth not on what we did, but what had been done for us. We used to believe that if God loved us, we didn't need to be approved by the rest of the world. We didn't need to be good because if you already have God's approval and love, what else could you possibly need? So with that in mind, life had a bit of a unique twist. Because if you believe in God and you believe God really loved you and you really trusted in God, your life would no longer be based on being good enough. Nor would it be based on earning the world's or other people's stamp of approval. Rather, if you were already loved unconditionally and no longer had to worry about earning or finding love, then what was left in life to do? To be free. To love each other the same way you were loved. Not to worry but to do all things out of love. To do the work you loved because you loved it and not because you were trying to find love or trying to make it earn your love. You were already good enough so you didn't need to earn or to work to be good enough. You were already accepted so you weren't trying to be accepted. So if you really lived that way, life was no longer about conforming to what the culture or your lover or your parents told you to do, but you would follow your heart and do what you really longed and loved to do and to love for if you really believe you are loved unconditionally, you can love unconditionally in return. You cannot have complete trust unless you have unconditional love. For we will all make mistakes and we will all hurt each other. We will all mess up and do things that harm ourselves and each other. If we base our trust in other people without unconditional love, we will very quickly lose our trust in them. For when they do harm us or hurt us or mess up, we will see it as a breach of trust. If we look at the situation through unconditional love though, we will see that it is not something that should make us unable to trust them but, rather, to see that they are human and we are human and trust isn't based on being good or living up to expectations because that is impossible and we will all fail when it comes to that. Trust is only able to really exist if there is unconditional love so people feel that even when they mess up or hurt each other or do something wrong, they don't have to end the situation or the love because of it but, rather, be open about it on both sides and discuss it and learn from it. Things happen to teach us, not to destroy us. What can tear us apart can also glue us together, but it depends on how we react to it. But then over the last hundred years or so, things have really changed. We no longer seem to base our ability to love on God. By understanding and accepting the universal unconditional love, we have adopted the mindset that in order to love, we first must be good. We must have a good house, a good job, a good body, and be good. We can't help other people till we are good and we can't love other people till we are good. If we don't have anything to give, we are not good enough to love or deserve real love. So we focus on being good; we work endless hours trying to be good. To be good in a material sense, in a spiritual sense, in a moral sense, because we feel if we are good enough, then we will be able to earn love and be loved. There is only one flaw with this. We will never be good. Never good enough to earn love and/or feel like we are good enough to love. We will always find something that is broken or, just when you think you have it all together, it will all fall apart. You will never be good enough. You're only distracted by the process of being good so that in many ways you will never let go of your walls and/or experience love. This is one of the greatest tricks that the king of destruction has pulled. By making the majority of humanity begin to believe this and then enforcing it through the media, more and more people are caught in the never ending hamster wheel of trying to be good enough or love or to love. So when love does come, they feel they are not good enough or ready, or when they have the chance to love, they feel they are not good enough or ready to love so then they shut off. Relationships are now based more on what can I get than on what can I give. We don't even trust those we sleep with. We use each other for sex and money or security. Wives secretly hate their husbands because they never really loved them in the first place. Humanity is becoming more and more like insects. We use each other to feed but we no longer have a reason beyond ourselves. Trust and love go hand in hand. Today it seems it is hard for people to trust at all. I grew up without the TV being my teacher. My mother loved me unconditionally and I also learned to love unconditionally as a child from my mother's example. I carried that with me into adulthood. I would love my friends in a deep and intense way. This would often confuse them. Then it would usually force them to face the good enough complex and usually they would feel they were not good enough or I was not good enough. Then, either they would do something to really hurt me or I would do something to really hurt them. Then they would usually run away. I would usually be sitting there going, "Well, here we go again." For years sometimes I would continue to love them without seeing them. I would continue to go back to them, even after they hurt me or I hurt them and say, "I still love you." Each time I did this, they would either turn and run further because each time I did it, I was challenging a much deeper issue than our friendship. Everything here teaches us that in order to get love, we must be good enough. What I was saying is "I don't care if you are good. I don't care if you hurt me. I don't care. I still love you." This made them look at me and ask, "How can she do that or say that?" and they knew and I knew they knew, but if they accept my love, they are also accepting the source of my love, which means, in the end, that they are going to be faced with the biggest choice in life. On what do you base your trust? In God or this world? In being good or in grace? In earning or giving? The world is unstable. You are unstable. I am unstable. But love is not unstable if it is based on God's love because if we base our love on God's love, it never ends. It continues on; it forgives; and it is unconditional. How can you not trust someone who will love you even if you run away, break their heart, tear them down and call them a liar? If you try to destroy it and it continues even through the fire, how can you not see that there is something real there that won't leave even when you are far from good or worthy? When you love someone unconditionally, you can have trust. If you love conditionally, you will never have trust. Trust is not built on being good, but, rather, on learning from our mistakes and weaknesses. Usually, if I love someone for years and keep going back for years even when they hurt me or get angry or lock me off, eventually they see that it is unconditional and then they see after usually trying to destroy it, that they can trust it. Once you accept that it isn't about being good or about earning love or that your worth is not based on your body or your job or your relationship or being good, then you can let go and be free from fear. You can never really trust until you are free from fear. The only way to be free from fear is to love unconditionally so that when they do hurt you or you hurt them, the love will continue and only then will you ever be able to trust yourself or other people. The greatest story of love was when a man who was said to be the son of God was killed on a cross. That is the greatest story of sacrifice. Love is when you are willing to die, not physically as much as your ego. When you accept others' imperfections in love, then you will find love. For the only way to know love is to love. We cannot ask for anything in return or then it becomes conditional. Jesus didn't say "I love you but you have to always be good." He just said. "I love you and it's not about being good and all you need to do is believe that I love you and that God loves you." That is true with all of us. If we really believe we are loved and can love, even when we hurt, then love will be born within ourselves and around us. But we have to believe in it. Even when it is hard and difficult. Love and trust go hand in hand.

I am trying to grow, but those damn insecurities creep back in all the time. I am totally unmotivated, which may either be a mitigating factor to my breakup, an underlying reason for my insecurities, a result of me not liking myself, resulting IN me not likeing myself, or all of the above. I think that it is HIGHLY possible, that she did not seem to care much in the beginning and I think that drove a wedge between us. Because of that wedge, I held things against her and wanted her to love me so badly. I wanted her to speak of me in the same manner she spoke so highly about other boyfriends. There really was almost a reverence in her voice, when she would speak about her exes. Add to that, the fact she had an ex that was constantly telling her I was no good for her, etc. Does it really matter though? I can run through this in my mind, until the cows come home, but will it bring her back? No. Will it help me? I don't know. I know that I have to figure out a way to let go. I have to figure out how to just be. I think part of being around my dad, meant I never stacked up, then I went to my first wife, attempting to stack up and all she ever did was find other men. I thought I had found the perfect girl in this current long term ex and even she gave every reason for me to hide myself or my feelings. I am figuring out slowly that we both hid so much of ourselves for so long. Neither one of us trusting the other to not hurt us. I read somewhere on here that the definition of love is something along the lines of, giving someone your heart and trusting they won't break it (yes, I do not remember the exact quote). I want to figure out how to do that again. I want to see this as learning and living, but right now I just see hurt, anger and pain. How can she not love me? That is what I am faced with. Also, do I really love her? Answers I have to come up with...

Thanks Blender. I know I HAVE to think of this as a learning experience. I am so afraid to repeat what I have done. I woke up at 4 AM and I cannot get back to sleep. My stomach hurts and I feel so bad. I wish she were laying here, so I could stroke her hair and show her she belongs. All I am ever reminded of, is to be careful with your words...

Dan: I too think there is something else going on. I am not trying to scare you, I am speaking from personal experience. I had a fling of 3 weeks (not the actual ex that got me here) who became a quick ex. She pulled and pulled, with talk of us being together and us being natural, etc. We texted all the time and then BOOM! I came out to see her over Thanksgiving weekend and she needed space, she was moving too fast, etc. You need to respect her wish for space, but also start protecting your heart. Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have seen this coming. Rapid starts are usually followed with a cooling off period. I second Momene's advice in first giving a quick call/text explaining that you understand, you are backing off and giving her space because you care and that she can call you when she is ready. Then back off. If she doesn't call in a week or so, then you have your answer. Good luck!

Great news. Excited yet?

So, does anyone else feel like they must do penance for the hurt they caused the ex? I was thinking that for every thing I might tell her or email that I felt or she did, I bet she could have just as many for me. That is helping me understand. It is also the reason I feel I need the penance. Noone deserves to be hurt...

So, here I am again, about to get off work and go to the storage place to get some dishes. How odd that just at the end of 2005, I was sitting in my place with my then GF, wondering where we were heading to. After going through some stuff in my head, I am thinking we would have had a difficult time putting the bad feelings away. I believe that she STILL cannot let a lot of it go. My returning to the couch when I made her mad, made her relive some of that and I think actually made her more sad, if that could be. We are supposed to be able to forgive. We have been forgiven and are supposed to forgive, in order to accept that gift. I held on to so much. I cannot forgive myself for anything I did. I know I made her feel small, unwanted and like she didn't belong. I will never forgive myself. Maybe I can honor her and what we had, by refusing to EVER treat anyone else that way. Right? I miss her, but I know I miss the "old" her. I can remember having to hide. I can remember that we had to hide "us" at work, no PDAs (even recently), nothing in front of her dad, being hushed and so on. How was I supposed to feel love? I saw my couselor today, for the first time in what seems like forever. It was nice seeing a familiar face again. Change has always frightened me. My counselor is trying to get me to look at things differently and reminds me to like myself, by telling me that perfect people aren't really much fun anyway.

ColdWinterForest: How true. The "new" me for someone else. I can learn about me and the past and not be doomed to repeat bad behavior. I sometimes wish I could have shown her the new me, but she is not allowing it. She is holding on to the me from before and won't let go of the pain either. In that respect, we are both the same. It is funny, because she preaches of how I need to be happy and yet holds on to so much anomosity towards me.

Blender: As usual, you give great advice. I love your comment that FATE is nudging me. Tht makes sense. Also, does it really make sense for me to try and make heads or tails out of what she is thinking? The more I try, the more I just dwell in it. Besides, is it really important to know why she did something? Isn't it more important to know that it IS happening? I appreciate your insight and it is all a choice really, isn't it? SuperDave: I will take that hug now dude. That don't make me less of a mna now, does it? You ought to have an 900 number where you could make some serious money off of counseling all of us who either want our ex back or want to commit NC suicide. ;-) Love ya man!

I think what really hurts the most is feeling like there is no tomorrow. I feel like I cannot let go. I cannot surrender. I wonder if it is because I feel like a failure. I did spend SO MUCH time with her. It is hard to believe that we have spent a year almost, not waking up next to each other. I hate myself all the time, for not getting closer when I could. My subconscious must have been telling me to stay away, because I never tried to find a job closer to her. What if I had? She would not have been seeing him. I know this. EVERY single time we broke up before, SHE ALWAYS found her way home. Yes, I know we never corrected anything AND things ALWAYS went back to the way they were. I can see that. But, NEITHER one of us tried to change. I am changing so much now and she will never see it, nor let herself see it. See? That is also the problem. Instead of leaving the past in the past and possibly recognizing that I am trying, she only sees what happened in the past. Maybe that is how we are all made up. Maybe it is an automatic physiological response which PROVES, beyond a shadow of a doubt that ACTIONS speak louder than words. We were moving around the stuff in the garage and going through it, I was AMAZED at how she was being so detached and cold. I was ready to ball my eyes out. She made some non-caring comment about something and I just walked away shaking my head. She said, "why are you shaking your head now?". Of course I played it off, replying, "it is my neck, remember?" (I had hurt it earlier). I then proceeded to go over to her and ask her what was wrong, like it was her fault. That is manipulative and wrong and ACTIOS spoke LOUDER than words. She was correct, I WAS shaking my head and it WAS NOT about my neck. See, even though I think I am learning, it still comes out. I am going to try and start meditating, so I can think better thoughts than just thinking everything is an atteck or reading into everything. I also slept on the couch again and was trying to seduce her. See, again, acions telling her I don't care and she is an object. I swear before God that if I get another chance, I will make it right. Right now though, I am angry that she couldn't tell me the truth. I am also angry that she could move in with someone so soon. I know for her, she has been ready to get out, far before she did. I also know that everything I can say she did, or blame on her, I know I took a hand in causing. The one thing I don't get though, is that if she had been looking to leave for so long, then why not just go? Why break up with me, come by my apartment and want to see me, come and see me more and more and then, ultimately, want me to move to her new condo? See, part of me wants to think that she stayed around for all the help. I helped her with alot. She got through alot with my help. I don't want her to bend over and thank me, but I just find it strange that she did not leave until AFTER I had helped her with her place, renting and selling it. See, that is how things creep into my mind. She did mention that she may not have left me, had we not fought on her birthday, last year. I will say again though, if I had gotten back down to where she was and found a job there, she might have made it work, or at least known I cared... I know I have ben using this as a journal and I will be back. Hope noone minds...

WOW! Been there, done that and got the "get out" t-shirt. Man, what can you do except feel lost, hurt and like yesterday's trash? I am not going to blow smoke, 'cause it will hurt. You know, I have been there. I did wake up this morning and I could still breathe, barely, but I could. What hurts the most, I think, is that it is as if they won't even try. I will admit that if she wanted to try right now though, I don't know how much we can push aside. I still feel betrayed that she has someone else already. How the hell can you decide to move someone in after being separated only 7 months. Just remember that I am right here if ya need to post...