Invicta

Thanks for your replies guys. It's a curious thing how I'm only willing to expose myself under the guise of anonymity, and also that the people I find here are more sincere and genuine than most of the people I know. isidore it's funny you should suggest getting a motorcycle because I've been riding one for the past three months. I bought a honda cb400 from a neighbor and I'm having a lot of fun with it. It's a bit cold right now but the ride to class wakes me up better than a coffee. You're right Sparky about my dad... theres only so much I can do, and there comes a point where I'm simply conjuring pity and guilt. I tend to be a person who tries to make everybody happy. Well, at least I used too be, apathy seems to have the best of me at the moment. It's so frustrating that so much time has passed and I'm still dead inside. At this point I doubt I'll ever get back what I lost.

Thanks for your replies guys. It's a curious thing how I'm only willing to expose myself under the guise of anonymity, and also that the people I find here are more sincere and genuine than most of the people I know. isidore it's funny you should suggest getting a motorcycle because I've been riding one for the past three months. I bought a honda cb400 from a neighbor and I'm having a lot of fun with it. It's a bit cold right now but the ride to class wakes me up better than a coffee. You're right Sparky about my dad... theres only so much I can do, and there comes a point where I'm simply conjuring pity and guilt. I tend to be a person who tries to make everybody happy. Well, at least I used too be, apathy seems to have the best of me at the moment.

She was my high school sweetheart, we started going out our senior year. My first... only... real relationship. Except throughout the 2 and a half years that we were together we never really got along and never, not once, did I tell her that I loved her. She was an emotionally unstable girl who had a really rough time before we met. She was difficult to handle and would swing back and forth so violently emotionally that at the time I didn't believe we could last. There was one particularly bad night about a year into our relationship where I was on the verge of breaking up with her. Sitting in the car at a parking lot late at night, she broke down and practically begged me to stay with her... that she couldn't make it without me. I stayed with her, and from that point on I viewed myself more as her guardian than a partner. I mean... I still really liked her and was honest and sincere, but I kept her at arms length and didn't allow myself to become too emotionally committed. Well what do you know, a couple of years later she wised up. She got some self confidence and did what I knew would eventually happen; she broke up with me. Well, we had a talk, and she told me she had a small crush on a guy in one of her classes. Almost without thinking I suggested that we split up for a while. I understood that we were young and inexperienced. I knew that inevitably the day would come where the lure and curiosity of other potential partners would get stronger than our relationship; especially with me subjecting her to an emotional stonewall. The old saying has me to a key: You don't know what you have until you loose it. The breakup was devastating for me. The sensations of loss, guilt, and anxiety hit me almost immediately. I became acutely aware of all the things about her that I loved and I could remember only the wonderful moments we shared. Sadly, I refused even then to reveal myself to her, telling myself it would only hurt her. What truly broke my heart was that as time passed, she seemed to move along effortlessly while I was devastated. At the time I felt betrayed. Not so much by her, but by my own emotions. The sensation that I could have developed such deep, raw feelings that were unreciprocated was both shocking and confusing. This created an inner conflict within me that has never truly been resolved. I remained in a dark private depression for months. I failed all my classes; I lost contact with many of my friends, and began drinking like an alcoholic. It's taken me years to drag myself out of the hole I dug. The only reason I'm still alive is because of my family, I couldn't stand the thought of hurting my family by blowing my brains out. My Dad especially, he has depression problems and he couldn't handle loosing his son with all the bad * * * * going on in his life right now. The problem is, I'm such an empty useless shell even after all this time that I can't even help the people around me. The girl is not the issue anymore. The chance to mend that wound has long passed and she has a different life now. Granted, it's taken me years to recover, but I no longer get a knot in my throat and chest when I lie alone at night... and I no longer need drugs and alcohol to do that. I have also realized how much of this whole mess was my fault. My difficulties communicating with others about my emotions and my refusal to take risks are at the root of my problems. I also realize that I have trouble making a connection between my emotions and the conclusions I make in my everyday life. My dad and I are very similar. We both have depression problems and have a difficult time revealing our weaknesses to others. We don’t really know how to spend time with each other and when we hang out we mostly just watch television. I think the only real conversations we have are little snippets back and forth when we’re driving in the car. Tonight he revealed things about himself that can so easily be applied to me. There is no joy left. It’s hard to see anything good in the future. The only thing he has that I don’t is fear. His fear overwhelms him while I have to work hard to build up enough anxiety to complete my daily responsibilities. I feel powerless to help him. I’m not there for him, nor am I there for other friends and family as I should be. After all this time I still cant get myself moving.

I owe everyone in this community a post but I cant do it right now. thank you all in advance for everything you have done for me. I would not be here rignt now if it wasn't for your support. Invicta

Do what you can with what you have. Do the morning after pill when you get the chance since you can't be sure that 14 days of the pill is enough. I was once put in a similar situation and it gave me the oportuity to learn about myself. ...Since you're still in this doubting business... ask yourself what you can learn from this situation. Clearly it was stressfull because it brought up some very life changing prospects. But, what does this tell you about yourself and your partner. Do you love her? Does it matter? Would you be a good father // Husband? What exactly is that? What exactly are do you want from this person, since it obviously isn't a baby...? Is it something about her not being the right person for you that made you panic or is it the idea of raising a baby? Anyway, my advice is that this situation is a good oportuity to get some things clear with yourself. Your post indicates that you are heavily involved with your partner. Despite what you may think... your dilema is just as much about this person as it is about yourself. I am sure you are smart enough to avoid unwanted pregnancy, so make sure you take advantage of the situation and learn some things along the way

I see two big issues in your situation with this girl. #1. You don't talk to her openly about your problems. #2. You are scared she is too dependant on you to break up with her. the first step to fixing #2 is fixing #1. Talk to her, both about your problems and hers. I don't buy the "she won't listen, she gets too * * * * *y" argument. If you are truly miserable then at some point you would have taken a risk. Let me ask you this... Why do you feel so strongly that you are responsible for emotionally maintaining this person. Going even further... are you not actually doing her a disservice by keeping her in a mentally dependant state? There must be something you like about this situation. Take a look at yourself and figure out if maybe you're turned on by the prospect of someone being obsessed with you. You said you've become a heavy drinker. Whenever I get drunk and try to think about my problems I just get fukin depressed. Try loggin on this site when you're sober, see if anything looks different. When you do get drunk and depressed, try writing yourself a message about what you're thinking and read it the next day. You will be amazed by what you find.

The trust is gone after an affair... Respect can be regained because the things you admire about a person usually have nothing to do with the affair. The question is wether or not the positive aspects of the person you love are greater than the terrible insult and pain caused by an affair.

Hey bud, based on what you've said in this thread, your situation and mine are very similar. I'm going to tell you a little about my own life because I think it may give you a different way to see yourself. I also feel void of emotion and have trouble connecting with others, I have very little ambition for the future, and suicide is a prospect that's becoming more and more apealing to me. One thing I noticed in particular is that you talk a lot about how bad others are making your life and seem to ignore your own part of the equation. People become suicidal when they feel powerless to improve their situation, usually because they feel controlled by people around them. You should think about how this habit of feeling controlled by others is affecting your life. If you make no effort to change things then it's no wonder your life is going the wrong way. I know it's hard to get motivated and sometimes you don't even know know where to start... but in the end it's up to you to find new things to distract you from the endless void. You should also take a deeper look at your relationship with this * * * * *y needy girl. If you've been going out for as long as you say, then you're probably in love with her. I had a relationship like that. The girl was a royal pain in the * * *, but she seemed to be emotionally dependant on me and I truly cared about her so I stuck with it. I had this idea that I could slowly ween her off of me by slowly putting up emotional barriers. Over time I became more and more depressed because I felt trapped and was unhappy with my life. You cant live a fake life without changing in some way... over time those barriers became walls and my personal ambitions and dreams drained away. Eventually... my plan worked... the girl got a grip and left me because I had become a looser. Thats the point where I realized how important she was to me, and how much I had messed things up. So there I was... depressed, alone, and with no ambition in life. Thats how I'v been for about two years now, and yes, suicide often looks pretty good. My advice to you is to figure out the factors in your life that are producing negative results. Clearly the stressfull family and girlfriend are part of it, but you're probably stuck in a daily routine that isn't working for you. I know you have no ambition or energy to motivate you to change your life. Thats why you have to force yourself. Do something, anything, different from whatever you've been doing now. It takes time... but eventually you build new interests and develop the will and courage to stand up to the harder things in your life (By that I mean you need to stop lying to your girlfriend). You need to make the effort to work things out, or conclude that it's not going to work. Believe me.. its better than loosing someone the wrong way and taking two miserable years to figure out that you loved them.

It will always be more difficult when she's right there in your social circle... but at some point you have to face the facts and come to terms with your situation. I was lucky enouhgh in my breakup to have a pretty clear seperation from my ex. During this time I experienced all sorts of pain: sadness, pity, anger, denial... The point that I think I shared with your situation is that she was over with me sooner than I was with her. She goes on with her life and leaves you behind to pick up the pieces... it sucks, and it's better if you have time to deal with it, but it doesn't get any better. The best way I found to move on is realizing that she wasn't the person I thought she was. thereforeeee, the pain you feel is not for her but for someone you thought she was or maybe she used to be. The point is... she's gone and it will never be what it used to be again. Perhaps the two of you will re-discover eachother in the future... but for now you should let it rest and see how things play out. Best of luck to you bro

It seems like you know that it's wrong to have an affair but you continue to do it because it's convenient. There is always something bad going on and it's easy to ignore important problems when there are so many confusions in everyday life. You seem to blame this man for your choices to ahve an affair with him. Although it may be true that he is having difficulties, it doesn't absolve you for continuing this affair. The bottom line is: the two of you are complicating the situation by becoming romanticly involved. There is no way this man can set his life straight if he comes to you every time he has a problem. You aren't going to figure things out either if you have to worry about his problems in addition to yours... You say he keeps coming back to you every time he has trouble with his family life... Just because he comes to you doesn't give you a free pass to do what you want with him. You need to take responsibility and stop this pattern of misconduct and guilt. It's impossible for either of you to improve your situation until at least one of you takes responsibility for your actions. As you asked... I'm not judging... you both know what you are doing wrong. so fix it.

Your posts really helped me slow my decent these past couple of weeks into a dark slippery hole. I managed to hold my ground and for a while I stopped giving up on everything and everyone around me. Sadly though, I feel that strength leeching away and apathy is once again diluting my reality. The anxiety attacks are more frequent and I find it harder and harder to focus on my daily distractions. I can't answer simple questions and I have less patience with people. More often I am considering the notion that I may not be strong enough to go on by myself. I've always been a very independent and rebellious person. I've rarely been one to bother others with my problems. In fact, I'm ashamed that I'm even posting on this forum. I'm ashamed to burden others and I feel guilty for taking space away from people that need help more than I do. I considered the advice to seek out closer relationships with people and to open myself to the possibility of intimate relationships. This is not possible right now. I am sickened by the idea of using people, especially a girl, to jumpstart myself. No one deserves that indignity. I know this sounds kind of skewed and that it's part of human social behavior but I just can't do it. I rather chew glass. I want to apologize to those of you who read through this. Everyone is so friendly and helpful. Please just let me apologize. These issues are self inflicted. I'm stubborn, self destructive, and guild ridden. I've blocked all the painful things in my past and it's finally dragging me down. Did you know once an eagle grabs hold of a fish, it's physically unable to let go until it reaches it's nest? There have been cases of eagles drowning because the fish was too heavy to be lifted from the water... Here I am though despite my contentions. I have nothing to hold on too. The present and the future is a blurry emptiness. I'm not even calm and accepting anymore. I'm tense, anxious, and confused. At what point do I seek professional help? What is the sacrifice made when you medicate the mind? The thought of being artificially changed by chemicals is more alarming than slowly drifting away on my own terms. What should I do from here?

I personally think you should do the rollerblade thing and fix her music player. You need to figure out what it's about so you can stop dwellling on it. It's important though that you keep it strictly friendship, and you need to get some things straight first. #1 You clearly like this girl and wish you could go out again, but unfortunately that just can't happen right now. tylercdurden is right about needing some NC time. If the prospect of getting back together does come up.. both of you, especially her, need to spend some time single so personal issues can be resolved. It's good if you stop seeing eachother for a while but you can and should remain friends during this time if you can manage it. #2 If the issue of getting back together comes up then you need to make her aware of all the personal conflicts you are having with her behavior. She needs to know the breakup was painfull for you and that you won't tolerate her toying with your emotions in an attempt to keep you available. You probably shouldn't accuse her of this one, but she should still know you have suspicions. #3 Once you feel like you understand the situation you just have to focus on your personal issues and see how it playes out. You can't keep living in confusion as to wether or not you will get back together. Accept that it's over and that you need time to heal. If she does break up with the boyfriend wait it out and see how long she can stand being single. If she's not able to deal her own emotions she certainly wont be able to deal with yours as well.

I think the reason you can't make a decision is because you don't know enough about either of these people. The best plan is to hang out with them both as friends. It seems silly that you can decide which one you plan to date based solely on shy / confidant. But that's just me

Man you guys really don't trust this guy... thats not the issue though It comes down to how much trust alona has for him. I realize the situation kind of sucks but has he given you any reason to doubt him? Don't let these these silly nillies fill you with false suspicions.

Nubian gave you some great advice. You pushed him away and it's up to him to give it another chance if he see's those issues are resolved.

I understand what you mean Keef but she said they've been doing the smiling at eachother thing for quite a while now. They may be passed the flirty lets avoid being direct phase. If the dude was interested in being the hunter he would already have made his move. The guy is either shy or gay, so I say there's no reason for Karibo to spend any more time wondering.

I donno. I think it depends on the circumstances of your seperation and how much of a friend he is to you. If he's your friend, then you should be there for him in his time of need. I would strongly recomend against getting involved with him though. Any relationship you started with him right now would be very one sided and your chances would be pretty slim. Don't forget the little bugger wrote you off and may just be trying to rebound off you.

I agree with Kleo, you need to wait this one out. Your ex was freaked out by the huge commitment of having children and ran off for a wild fling. I personally think you were way too acomodating to the situation. She'll never make up her mind about you if she thinks you will always be there no matter what she does. Don't give her a free ticket. Relationships go both ways. At least you sort of redeemed yourself with this month long separation. Don't you dare break the agreement... right now she's remembering all the reasons she once wanted to make babies with you. Best of luck to you.

I think the stigma that the man is supposed to aproach the woman is just another relic remaining from the 1950's. It's perfectly fine for you to chat him up. If you are concerned he will think you are too forward then just tell him exactly what you posted. You've seen him around now and again and always wanted to meet him, and jumped at the opportuinity when you found out he was single. Best of luck to you.

I'm going to agree with the other posters that is sounds like it will end badly. The man recently split up with a woman who he lived with for eight years. I'm not one to question the chemistry between you two but he may be using you as a rebound girl. You don't need to be moving in with a rebound girl... its nothing less than taking advantage. As far as apearing to be so genuine and considerate... he may be compensating for messing up with "his wife". I have noticed in myself that I'v been more nice and acomodating to girls after a breakup than I normally would be. Also, you need to stop worrying about what your co-workers think and focus on what's really important in this situation. I promise they will be the least of your problems if you change your life to live with this guy and he turns out to be sleeping around or goes back with the girlfriend. Beware... but then again if the shoe fits...

Hey your post is really difficult to read. I get a general idea of what your situation is, but you are writing about too many different things. I'm not being mean, but you should sit down and figure out more specificly the problems and emotions you are dealing with if you want people's advice.

I apreciate your posts Dako. We do seem to share similar a mindest. I noticed you mentioned women several times and you seem to have conflicting emotions on the matter. Love stinks but we always end up going back for more. Do you still hope to find sincerity and virtue in your relationships or have you finally resigned to accept what the moment has to offer. I get so bitter sometimes thinking that honesty and altruism have become relics of the past. No one is perfect, but at what point do a persons ideals stretch further than the restrictions of human nature?

At some point when you've been burned by girls, family and friends too many times there is little choice than to pull away. You escape in hopes that one day you can look back and see that meaningfull thing you thought you had but somehow lost. I call it self preservation, others call it the easy way out, older people call it wisdom. That search for meaning boils down to learing to live with uncertainty. But if you can't, then you find things to keep you distracted. Maybe it's the same thing... I just don't know where to start. The placebo effect stops working when you are aware of it... As for girls, I certainly have issues. I am very distrustfull and feeling attraction is rare. I think it's the age. I'm in college, and I'm sorry ladies but girls my age are just plain nuts. I'm hoping they are like wine and get better with age.

Ok, I'v always had trouble discussing my problems with people, and even on an anonymous website I find it difficult. I finally got the courage to type up what I truly think must be bugging me. I apologize for the length. I went camping two weeks ago with a really fun group of people and we all got drunk in the woods. After getting pretty slammed, a close friend of mine confessed to me that he had slept with my ex-girlfriend from over 2 years ago almost immediately after we separated. The actual breakup was not in anyway tragic or painfull. We had been drifting appart for months and one day she told me she had started being atracted to other men. We both agreed to split up and remain friends. Only in the days after the breakup did I realize how much I loved her, and almost three years later, I must admit I still have not recovered. To this day I have never told her and I probably never will. My friend though, was quite aware of my pain, since we were roommates at the time and I confided in him for advice. I remember he became very antisocial and avoided me shortly after this, so he must ahve been feeling guilty. The girl too, began avoiding me, and treated me almost with cruelty the few times we saw eachother. I should have been furious when he told me. It explained so much and the the past two years of our friendship had been under false pretenses. In stead though, I calmly gave him a hug and told him I wouldn't be able to speak to him for a while. Then I went stumbling down a gravel road until I passed out in a ditch. That night was the second time I'v ever cried since childhood, the first being the few days after the girl and I split up. But strangly, I felt a sepreation between mind and body. I felt no anger pain or sadness, yet my body was sobbing to the point of having uncontrolable convusions. In addition, for the first time in my life since that night I've been having panic attacks. Out of nowhere I start breathing heavily and hyperventilating. I start feeling anxiety in my chest, almost like heartburn, and I have to consciously slow down my breathing before I get light headed. These bouts are unprovoked and happen randomly forcing me to make excuses to people around me for why I'm breathing funny. I have even woken up in the night as a result. Clearly I have some unresolved issues but I can't seem to focus enough, or even motivate myself enough to care. The problem is manifesting itself physicly and to be honest it's kind of weird. As far as ladies go Dako, I'm hesitant at best. It's hard to feel atracted to other women, and I feel guilty when I go for one, like I'm doing them a diservice with my frigidness. Plus theres this annoying problem with girls my age once things get sexual. They become less fun and more demanding. I just end up hurting people so I'm better off alone

I apreciate all the input. I posted because until this past month or so, death and suicide were never options I considered. I don't want to die, but I wouldn't mind if thats where my road leads. I don't know if this is normal or not but it sounds like its the same crap we're all going through and will eventually pass. I thought it might be depression, but I don't think it is. As far as I can remember I have been in and out of bouts of depression. They can last just a few days or several months. It's something that happens every now and then and I just have to deal with it. Lately though, (we'll.. one - two years) I don't have the agony and hopelesness I associate with depression. I'm certainly more happy than sad, but its a drag to be feel so detatched from all the crap people around me are so easily engrossed. On the plus side, I have had improved clarity of thought. I can never seem to focus on any personal problems or goals though... so I lazy watch and analize stuff going on around me. That must be why people come to me for advice. A few weeks ago I had three sepreate people with life crisis / self identity issues come to me for help in one day. I talked them through as much as I could, helped separate the real issues from the self inflicted ones. I was shocked though, that even in moments where my friends are pouring their hearts out to me, I was unable to connect with them at all on an emotional level. I mindlessly analized their sitations and spit out advice. I have also been changing my lifestyle to see if I can get things moving. I have been going to the university gym and lost 10 of the 15pounds I gained drinking beer and playing online games the past 6 months. I'v been going to the park during the week and playing pickup soccer matches and tennis. I also managed to get myself together this semester ensure I get A's in at least 2 of my classes ( can't say the same for the others...). Although I feel and look healthier, it has had little or no affect me emotionally or psychologicly. My motivations for improving myself were mostly so I wouldn't disapoint family and friends. I donno how people do it... how do they stay motivated with all the bull * * * * they do.