I have had a relationship now for the past year and a half. Prior to that my man and I spoke online for the better part of seven years. We had the opportunity to meet at one point, and it wound up being among the best days of my life. He had to return home to other prior educational commitments and to try and build a nest egg but plans to pursue a relationship face to face seemed overwhelming. Plans to wait a year turned to six months, to three, to one... Finances were tight and it took him a long time to land a full time perminent job. Throughout this I remained supportive, as I also continued to pursue my education. It was a difficult year, but I felt we had come a long way. I felt also ready to address some learning disability and other personal issues I saught improvement in. Both good for me, and a way for me to 'handle' him being out of the house for longer and more regular hours. Would have been fine if the medications I was given for treatment worked better, if I was more emotionally prepared to follow through, and if I hadn't been given an ultimatim from one department within the univesity. It was about two months into the semester when I stopped taking the drug and didn't feel a lot of emotional support to deal with the situation I was in. I was also quite irritable and frustrated with a boyfriend whose words of wisdom included that I should consider finishing my education in my own place, or that I should consider withdrawing midsemester. It caused a lot of grief. I knew my temper and such put him off, but whenever I apologized or tried to talk to him to work things out I got a general 'don't worry honey.' So I didn't. I was in love and by the time the end of the dreadful semester ended convinced myself of what a strong man he was to stay by my side. I still wasn't prepared at that point to revew my situation though. Threw myself headstrong into a month and a half of full time work before taking inventory, making a therapist appointment... Life was good in my eyes. I made it through the semester, the boyfriend had completed 6 months in his own full time teaching job and made it through that critical 'first semester time period.' I felt many a reason to celebrate/rejoice, but I was not as well received as one would think...
Meanwhile, back in Sept, when he landed that new job, a summer gig he had going was coming to a season wrap. Now the organization he's associated with continues to have monthly meetings and the like. He'd also finally been able to meet his own network of friends who shared a hobby he was strongly attached to. I'd given it a shot myself but I felt more the spectator than participatant. No worries though. I encouraged him to spend time with his new friends. Figured it would help with all the crankiness I was displaying with my educational frustrations as well. There was one woman in particular he seemed to have bonded with. Again, I was rather encouraging of this. I have a couple of male friends who I have close friendships to. He deserved to have the same in his life.
After making a couple comments on some odd things I had noticed, mainly doting and gifts from this woman, I asked some questions about things. I had no real reason mind you to be concerned, but felt a need to follow up, namely when not one, but over time a second ring had shown up on my man's left ring finger. The second was a Celtic spinner knot. Very elegant, and extremely unappropriate. We had discussions on both & me requesting him to remove them, etc. Bits of 'it doesn't mean what you think it means' and then 'please humor me then. It hurts me and I want us to work thru this.'... nothing seemed to make a lot of sense then. I finally grabbed his cell phone and made to the bedoom with the statement that I was going to call her, apologize for the inturuption, but remind her he was in a relationship, and to request she stop doting on my boyfriend. Naturally this finally got his attention... and the truth spilling out. He had been emotionally disconnected from me since Sept-October, and physically taking initiative sexually toward this other woman. He hadn't known how he was going to tell me, but it was going to be around the time he finally got around to telling me he intended to move out. He said it wasn't how it looked...
... His brother made arrangements to call a bit of a family emergency - brother knew. The bf didn't intend for things to happen. Things got way out of hand. The ONLY reason I'm giving this man a chance to redeem himself once is because I accept responsibility for my lousy actions and am doing what I need to do for me. He already had plans to 'see her' that same weekend. Don't ask me why but I told him things were his choice, but after this visit things would have to change.
He came back, told me she was hurt but he informed me they'd not be 'doing that' anymore. He said I was, and we were worth the chance to try to work things out. We're in mid-April now. He's still physically distant & unless (I feel) I am prying, he's not being very proactive with his approach for us to work things out. I NEVER felt worried about us before. This is still the man I want to marry. I want him to know me, but I am very insecure. He may not be able to say he loves me until he has emotionally just moved on and trusts his heart to me that I'm not going to blow up again as I had with last semester in school. I find myself being torn inside. I KNOW I need to show my independence, and the like. But I don't know how to receive the kind of physical (and mental/emotional) encouragement from him without feeling like I'm doing all the work to mend our relationship. He's always been the one to 'plan for the worst and hope for the best.' I'm the one who plans for the best, and accepts that I tried my hardest for the optimal results. Unfortunately this 'feels' like he's working to distance himself to a friend 'in case that's all that happens' where I'm trying to be the one who is acting on a dream that hadn't died.. which isn't really the case in his eyes at the moment.
So what does this cookie do? How do I keep my mind from mentally want to cling here? How do I find the patience to wait to feel him taking me in his arms because he feels more than just 'a lot of care.' How can he know love or find love again if he's keeping himself distant like this? He says he wants to be my boyfriend. I wish my brain would just accept his words that he wants to try and have us work things out.... I just don't want to drive him away pushing for things he's not ready for and I don't want to drive myself batty waiting. I love this man and I love myself. I believe in us but deep down there was a lot of doubt born out of the mess of what happened six months ago, on both our parts. How do I help this pain though to try and stay on track?....
