NW Homey
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I think some here are missing part of what you are saying. She told her fiance about the incedent early in thier relationship. He has had a great deal of time to dump her if he was worried about her fidelity. He has instead chosen to marry her. End of problem. It sounds like he already trusts her implicatly(?). What she did 4 years ago should not be a factor in today. The one thing that I would caution her about is - should things get a little rough is she going to look elsewhere? I do agree with BelleDonna. If she ever feels like she wants to do something like that again she NEEDS to talk to him about what is going on with her and maybe they can figure out what is causing it and deal with it before it becomes an issue. I believe because she was honest with him about it up front that they probably have a good communication going and that should carry them through. Don't worry about it. You are not a bad person but you need to (as does everyone) keep yourself in check. Congrats and have a good marriage and life.
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What I've been finding for myself is that when yo have been cheated on, respect is about on equal footing with trust. In fact sometimes I feel like it has more to it. There are people out there (anywhere) that I could trust but I have no respect for them. Since I have been cheated on I don't think I can trust my wife and I really lost alot of respect for her. Without respect it is hard to even conceive of her gaining my trust back. This was her second time in 20 years and has done me in this time. But my point here is that even if I trusted her I wouldn't respect her. Both are bad relationship busters. The combination is devastating.
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Count your blessings there aren't children invovled. Move on and hold your head up high. She cares NOTHING for you and doesn't deserve you. Never be anyone but who YOU want to be. The right one for you will be there for you when you are ready. Keep your chin up mate. Talk to a lawyer and kick her out.
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All I ever really see or hear anyone talk about after an afair is the trust issue. Does anyone else have any thoughts on respect after an affair?
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The info I have come accross says that if you want to regain trust you MUST do WHATEVER your partner needs you to do for them to feel comfortable they you are really genuinely trying to regain thier trust. If you cannot or do not want to perform these things you will not regain thier trust. This is still no guarantee that they will want to stay together. Like the other I feel you need to find out why you allowed yourself to put yourself in the position you were in. You made some kind of choice before you even took your first drink.
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I agree, the first thing to do is talk to your fiance. If you can't talk to him now you probably never will when you are married. He has a right to know about this situation. If you are going to marry him you need to learn to trust his judment. Ask him what he would like you to do and how he wants you to handle it. Let him know that his friends have been trying to get close to you and which ones they are. They are not his friends and he needs to know that now. You have an enormous amount of will power which is a credit to you and one that he should feel go about. It is somewhat normal to feel attraction to others but it does seem excesive in your situation. Maybe you need to look at what you are portraying or presenting to other guys that is making them approach you. It would be interesting to know a little of your past. Sometimes things that happen in our childhood affect how we handle situations (such as commitment - which is what it sounds like you are really having a problem with) in adult life. Good luck - and TALK to him straight forward.
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My wifes infidelity started with a friendship which lead to emotional infidelity to getting physical. They did not go all the way but may as well have. She didn't take me into consideration any of the time she was with him. It can only lead to no good. I am not saying people shouldn't have the other gender as friends, but when it turns to thinking about them in that way it is wrong and should be dealt with before it turns into something more.
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Oh Noooooooooo, please help, blew it!!!!!!
NW Homey replied to justmessupohwell's topic in Infidelity
If you truly didn't do anything and your really were taken advantage of, I would forget it. If nothing happened ther is nothing to tell your gf. I would however stop the drugs and drinking if possible (I've done it) and definitely drop your "friends". You are right, they are not friends. If your gf is really that great get yourself some self respect and self respecting friends around you. If you party, have her with you. Plan things you can do together. Include her in your life and get into hers. -
Sounds to me like she needs some help dealing with her childhood issues. My wife came from a similar background (maybe). Incest being the worst. It has messed her up royal and she has been unfaithful to me twice in 20 years. After the first time she said it would never happen again. It was a one tome thing. Anyway back to your friend. Does she go t church with him? If so, maybe they have a counciling department that they can get some assistance. He may want to talk to them himself first to get ideas on how to handle getting her (them) some help. He should ask her if there is something he is doing that she is unhappy with that she feels a need to be in communication with this other guy. Maybe she has a void somewhere she he needs to fill with her that he is overlooking.
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If you truly see this as a mistake you would not be talking of continuing it after an apology. Drop him and any frienship you have with him. It is only trouble for everyone. If you have to pick a different sport that he is not invoved in. He is only using you and your weakness for his own pleasure. He could get into deep legal problems dealing with a minor.
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That is infidelity on her part.
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Don't try playing the middle. By that I mean hang on to one while checking out the other. You will only get burned. If the new guy is genuine he would be offended the you were still with your bf while seeing him and turn off from wanting to see you. Make a chioce of one or the other. By the way 3 years may seem like a long time but it really isn't that long. I've been married 28 years and am in the process of getting a divorce because of infifelity which is what you are talking here in your case.
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Look - you did it. If yoou loved him sooo much you wouldn't have done it. You need to really look into yourself and question all your value beliefs and decide if this is how you would want to be treated. My wife cheated on me twice. The second time 20 years after the first. The first time she swore it wouldn't happen again. In time I learned to trust her again. That as well as any respect I had for her are gone. By the way, she told me about both times after they were over. That is the only thing I can give her credit for at this point. It took alot of guts to tell me. It should have taken fewer guts to say no. Own up to what you did and be prepared for whatever comes.
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When I first read your post I wondered if she wasn't trying to pull something to try to take him from you. No other friends have seen or heard anything. I think the one you should cut contact with is her. Let him know you do trust him and be greatful to have him. He sounds like a gem. Forget HER rumors. Total vaugness - sounds made up. No way to follow up to check the validity of it. Why? Soooo suspicous on her part. definitely drop her and keep him.
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Just began an affair while my boyfriend is in India for another 4 years.
NW Homey replied to aporia14's topic in Infidelity
If you want someone else or aren't happen with who you have, leave them before going on to someone else. It is the only decent way to conduct yourself.