Invicta

The most usefull writing I have found is the poem desiderate. I keep a copy in my walet and read it when things get bad link removed

I'm not unhappy, my life is pretty easy, I'v never been abused, I ahve lots of friends and support but for some reason I can't seem to connect with anything. I feel like I'm going through life in a diffent dimention. I am plankton. I have no emotions, nothing is interesting. The funny thing is, I ahve no problem laughing, playing, telling jokes, being a good lover. I'm a super nice guy, everyone likes me. I'm the person people come to for advice. But.. it's all... so.. far away... I can analyze people so we'll. I can tell them what they want to hear, I can feign interest, I can manipulate them to believe what I want. But I'm not hurtfull... I never try to hurt anyone. I'm tired though. I'm tired of living in a fog. I'm tired of getting lost in my mind despite all my attempts to connect and share with those around me. Sometimes I feel like death is clearest path. The deep and dark unkown calls to me, it whispers and taunts me. It says it has the answers. I find myself attracted to dangerous situations. I make friends with shady people, I walk through dark alleys, I drive faster when I'm alone, not drunk though. I'm may go to the world cup with a violent drug addict friend. I plan to buy a motorcycle. Maybe if you go to the edge you can see both sides at the same time... Just to make it clear, I have no intentions to kill myself. There is enough uncertainty in life to keep me entrigued and I'm not unstable enough to let a spike of bad luck push me over the edge. truthfully though, I stay around because it would hurt too many people too see me go that way. I posted because I'm curious if anyone else has similar experiences. I'm not asking for help, just curious.. smoking kills you slowly, and who'se in a hurry to die? Invicta

My house buned down when I was in middle school. We came back from a camping trip and found a pile of ashes, and still hot coals. When we first pulled into the driveway my mother sister and brother and I sat in the car for at least 5 minutes in complete silence. Then my mom said "someone has been here". Then we sat there some more. Later I found out my mom was right... the landlord had torched it for the insurance. We'll.. we couldn't prove it was him but needless to say, no one got any insurance money. Although shocking and painfull at first, I don't think back on it with sadness. This sort of trajedy helps you find out who your real friends are. In the end it's just a bunch of stuff and since I'll never know... I have to assume the arsonist was nice enough to get the pets out beforehand. As far as the trouble's you seem to be having with your father, keep in mind that he's going through some serious * * * * too. He may be taking out his frustrations out on you. If I were you, since you're stuck there till college, I would just take it and humble these last few months with your family and be happy to serve as steam vent for your dad. Despite what you may feel right now, your family members are the most valuable people you have in this world. Friends are good, but they're not family The whole fiasco actually ended up being quite a bonding experience for my family, and it's actually a whole lot of fun to start over. Although it was several years of rentals before we finally settled down in a home, we decided not to buy new furniture. We lived in an almost empty house that we slowly furnished as we found the right pieces for each room. So don't fret. From my experience, fire represents regrowth as we'll as destruction.

Ok, I'm warning you before you read this. This reply is not ment to be comforting or mean, but it is probably pretty hurtful. I'm only 21, but I'v already had my heart smashed and scattered accross the surface of the sun. There is no joy love or pain left inside me, but as a result I can say what I truly think and I always think I'm right. Listen Sweetie No matter how much you loved this guy, having his baby is simply a bad idea. You obviously feel like * * * * for messing up what you had going with him and you think by raising his kid you can somehow punish / redeem yourself for ruining your chance to be with him. Before you make a decision that will profoundly affect the rest of your life stop and take a look at the situation: #1 - He was already married. These relationships are always unstable. No matter how strongly you felt for him, he was unable to give the same back because he had emotions already committed in an entirely different direction. #2 - You have had a terrible experience with men. Being abused as you have can cause profound emotional trauma. Abuse victims often blame themselves (sometimes unknowingly) and tragicly often end up being atracted to abusive men. This guy sounds like a half decent fellow... he was cheating on his wife and broke two womens hearts though. No matter how obsessed with him you may be, it is often best to focus on your own life in times of trajedy. Ask yourself if you are happy to have met him. If meeting him was a good thing then in time you should have no regrets. Life has its peaks and valleys, and I am personally gratefull for both the best and worst moments in my life. The day I die I want to feel that I'v experienced everything this world has to offer. I keep a poem in my wallet and I read it from time to time when I get dragged down by pain in my life. check it out link removed #3 - YOU ALREADY HAVE A KID!!!! What the hell are you saying you want to raise and take care of some married dude's kid. You can't associate your kid with the father if he is no longer in the picture. What... are you mean to your 8 year old because the father was a bum? If you get pregnant you will just have another kid... and you would be a bad mother if your personal problems made you play favoritism #4 - Figure your your true motives There's no way you truly plan to get pregnant and not tell him. I mean seriously, you told the wife. You had an understanding with this man that your relationship was an affair and leaking to the wife was incredibly selfish thing to do. This makes me doubt the authenticity of your love for him. Clearly, you placed your emotions and desire to be with him above any consideration of his feelings or situation. Getting pregnat... regardless of your intention to raise the kid yourself, also fails to "prove" that you love him. Your gift to him would be a permanent knot of guilt and pain in his throat. Hey, if you still want to get pregnant I might as give you some advice. And great news!!! The law is on your side, so when you start getting bitter for having to raise another kid you can foce the married dude to give you money. Here is a recent court decision that may give you some insight: link removed Always flush your condoms!!! over and out Invicta