Batya33

Not a bargaining chip, either. I may be very aroused, interested, etc but I know that I will not feel good about myself or comfortable unless I have a real commitment from the man in question and feel that I know him well enough to share myself - and I usually give it at least a few months to figure that out, and at times, more. I am never ever a tease though - I am direct about what I am comfortable with and not comfortable with. I have never foregone a relationship with a good, loving man by following my values. I have screened out those who prioritize sex above all else which is fine with me.

All this means (sort of a repeat from what I posted earlier) is that you need to get a life so that you are not dependent on only the people you happen to know (since you are uncomfortable being a "third wheel"). There are many opportunities for internships, volunteer work, or even taking lessons - in french, tennis, swimming - whatever interests you. You have no idea whether he will be in your life next month, next year, etc. If you do want to go out and meet others someday, they will not want to hear that most of what you did other than watch tv, eat and sleep had to do with an ex boyfriend. At least, not men who have diverse interests and are smart and ambitious (of course I am not sure what your type is). Even if you do end up with him, the more independent and self-fulfilled you can be, the better.

I disagree that not having sex is a form of control. For me and for many others it is simply consistent with our values - and that goes for both men and women.

I know of several marriages and relationships - happy and healthy ones - where feelings changed - and then changed back - fascinating what time and space can do . . .

I think this is a huge sign to you to get a life without him. I for one cannot stand when a woman defines who she is - her accomplishments - by who her "man" is. There is tons of volunteer work to do with your free time, or get a job or socialize. I don't buy that you end up just missing him when you are out - much more likely is that you don't have much going on in your life that is exciting and fulfilling other than him so of course socializing without having him there might be ho hum. Is he doing the same thing you are - just killing time? If he is not you might find that after awhile he is not that interested in hearing about your day if your day is always the same old same old. Take this as a wake up call - there is way more to life than "I have a boyfriend and he is so and so" - make it your goal that the next time you socialize you will not mention him at all (unless someone asks you out on a date) and you have to come up with what you are doing these days, what you are interested in other than him and what is going on with you. Don't use your ldr as an excuse not to be active and get a life.

OK - got it - well it sounds like you pulled the trigger first but he stepped up to the plate after. My "theory" more applies to women who do most of the pursuing in the beginning stages -sounds like all you did was ask him out on one date (or ask him to ask you out, etc) once. Still, I see you as the exception - typically if the woman - even if she is "unapproachable" has to pull the trigger first, it usually doesn't result in a healthy relationship. Glad you are the exception!

I think you might be confusing head over heels/infatuation/romance for long term compatibility.

A woman who has sex quickly with you may have a low sex drive but a high level of insecurity that she will lose you unless she puts out. I believe I have a very healthy sex drive but also a very healthy sense of self and values (which include waiting at least a few months to have sex because I want to be sure there is a commitment, love and potential for marriage) such that I can prioritize my values (same as with anything in life that is tempting). I have met men who have ideas like yours and thankfully they tell me pretty much off the bat (once it becomes clear, early on, what my values are) so that I can move on to someone with compatible values, as well as a compatible sex drive. I am not criticizing your decision not to wait to have sex but disagree with your theory about what it says about a woman's sex drive.

I think you are angry at her because it scares you less than being angry with yourself. I hope the sex was worth it. I agree with the advice that you let her go and maybe down the road you will be able to convince her why it happened and why it will never happen again. Right now it is probably better for you to focus on co-parenting your sons - they did nothing wrong, you are not angry with them and they are entitled to as stable a life as they can possibly have despite this situation you chose to create.

I think it is confusing. It's inappropriate to mention other dates you've been on - and will make him think that he will be the subject of future emails to other men if he doesn't measure up. It also sounds a little desperate a needy - not exactly a turn on. If you must contact him, call him - if you are not strong enough to call him then don't hide behind an e-mail. If he is that into you he will get in touch with you. He may respond if he is a nice person but it may be just to be nice or out of some sort of obligation and if he doesn't respond you will not know why - did it not go through, accidental deleting on his part, etc.

Yes, I agree that if you don't want a guy who will pursue a woman he is interested in and you feel comfortable playing that role, it can work out very nicely. I can't think of any examples where that has worked out long term but obviously that doesn't mean they don't exist. Curious question for the last poster - has your boyfriend every before asked out a girl he was interested in?

I see the lack of gift giving as very different from your expectation that he help you out with the bills. It would be different if he lived with you of course; if he is living with you in fact then yes ask him to split expenses with you but I do not think it is a boyfriend or fiancee's job to help you with your bills and I wouldn't consider it stingy if he doesn't. But that's just me.

I think it's ok it just increases the risk that this is the type of typical guy who doesn't feel all that comfortable or into a woman who does the asking out/pursuing in the beginning. In general, I don't know of any long term serious happy relationships where the woman did most of the pursuing in the beginning. If you are friendly and approachable, most emotionally available and otherwise available men will ask you out if they are interested in you. Even very shy men will do that. Having said that, nothing wrong with inviting him along on a group outing or yes maybe grabbing lunch during the day - super casual. After that, leave the ball completely in his court. A guy who is strongly interested might be fine with being asked out first but it might cause him to pause and say hmmmmm - that's kind of aggressive/forward and that might not sit right with him. Also be sure that if he is not the type of man who steps up to the plate in the beginning (unusual but could be) that you are fine with being the main pursuer in the relationship. I wouldn't be but you might be.

Just to be clear, I would never expect a man to support me financially unless we were married and we had decided that I would stay home and raise our child/children. If we were not married I do not think it is his obligation to give me money - if I were broke I would try to get a loan before asking him for money. On the other hand, if he wants to pay for most of our dates/entertainment, etc I would be "ok" with that although when I am in a serious relationship I prefer to take turns treating such that while he might be paying more often, I am still contributing my share. If those are your expectations then yes you should communicate those to him. He then has a right to ask you why you cannot support yourself financially - there may be a very good reason of course but he will have a right to an explanation. Just my opinion.

There is a great line in the movie The Joy Luck Club - rent it. The mother says to her daughter, about how to choose a man, that she must "know her worth." You clearly do not. This man was honest with you from the beginning that he did not want a commitment with you - whether because of the ex or for any other reason under the sun - who cares - he was not interested in a commitment with you. You took the risk that he would somehow change his mind, had sex without a full commitment from him, apparently weren't too careful with using birth control or, apparently, protection against STD's and it didn't pan out. Consider yourself very lucky that you are alive. I am not judging your decisions, just observing them and that it could have turned out much worse (whether much worse would have included bringing a child into this world given the circumstances I cannot comment on). I hope so much that you decide to do the work and figure out why you are so bad to you. If not for your sake do it for the sake of your children so that they can have you as a role model as a woman who knows her worth and thereforeeee would never dream of clinging to a man like this man. Good luck.

I don't have to tell you that this has nothing to do with how much money he has or doesn't have. I would talk to him- directly, without whining and if that doesn't work I'd ask if he's willing to go to counseling. If that fails you have to have a very direct talk with yourself where you decide whether you can accept this presuming it never changes. Whether I could or could not is irrelevant - it's up to you and what makes sense and feels right to you.

What has always worked for me is when the guy is up front but not overwhelming or needy/clingy. I do not want to hear when we first meet "I can't wait to get married" or "I can't seem to meet anyone who wants a serious relationhip!" It's enough, when we first meet - if in general he talks about his goals where marriage/family is among the long term goals. I too am up front as far as making it clear - in a nice way yet firm - that I do not want a fling. This usually comes up in the first few dates if not earlier (in on line dating it was easier because it was right in my profile) - it comes up naturally if the man invites me back to his place or asks to see mine, etc. I've been told - as a compliment- that I give off the kind of vibe that says I am traditional and "a lady" so it is no surprise to me when men who are interested share their intentions and goals fairly early on.

I follow the general rule - with few exceptions- that the man should do most of the pursuing/planning in the early stages of dating (usually the first 5 or so dates over about a month time period - until it becomes obvious that "of course" we're going to see each other again). It's always worked well for me- minimizes any game playing, screens out those who are not really into me and/or not serious about a relationship, and is consistent with my personality and social life (since I like to have plans in advance much of the time, I do have a relatively active social life and someone who wants me to be ready to see him last minute or to pursue him for plans just isn't going to work for me long term). But that's just me! I should add that I do not know of any long term and happy relationships where the woman did most of the pursuing and planning in the beginning stages.

Check the facts, but last time I checked you need to abstain for at least 4-6 months and then get tested again to make sure you don't have HIV. Hope you do check that out.

Everyone experiences temptation - wanting to cheat is not a problem unless the person who wants to acts on it. with the internet, people have expanded the definition of adultery and cheating to include cybersex, and e-mailing romantically, etc. Whle I agree that can be disrespectful, tacky, inappropriate, etc it is certainly not "adultery" and query whether that is truly "cheating." It would not be ok with me but I wouldn't call it cheating. Luckily, I am not pessimistic as I know many people in long term committed relationships who are faithful.

I will not date a guy who is a complete bore but there is of course a wide range of "boring" - lol.

Hmm - why wait for him to call you given how laid back your crowd is? And, for the record, lol, I think kissing on the first date is just fine - I also think kissing before the first date is fine (which is what I understood occurred here).

You're welcome. Consider whether it is fair for you to control who your boyfriend is platonic friends with - whether this boyfriend or another. You are entitled to expect that but my guess is there are more than a few men who would not want that level of control . .. .

I never said a man would "dimiss" a woman for kissing on the first date - what I did say was that some men might be confused as to a woman's intentions if she fools around with him before they are even properly dating. That's not the same thing at all. LOL - I know many artists and hipsters and I never understood someone's chosen hobby, interest, profession or creative bent to affect one's values about relationships and how to treat another person. My last serious boyfriend (before this one) was a very active artist and he was traditional when it came to dating. I know many like him. I also have dated other creative types/hipsters as you call them who, when they met me and got to know me just a little bit, realized that I wanted to be treated a certain way and were more than happy to oblige out of interest in me as well as respect. So, I respectfully disagree with your link between artists and moving fast with respect to dating, etc. As I mentioned above, I think he will call if he is interested in continuing to hook up with you. As you said, you are not sure if it is just a fling so it's reasonable to assume neither is he and thereforeeee he sees no urgency in calling right away (in part because you were willing to kiss, etc before he asked you out so some of that challenge is gone, if you care about that sort of thing). I find generally that when men see potential for the long term they get more conservative in their approach - whether artist or otherwise ;-). Most of the men I date have raised the subject of long term potential within the first two dates - i.e. they want to make sure I know that they are not interested in just a fling, in general. I believe that people can't have it both ways when it comes to dating and I am seeing from your subsequent posts that neither do you. If you take a casual approach to dating - nothing wrong with that - can be loads of fun - you have to be prepared for the same treatment back meaning no typical "courting" schedule for lack of a better term. The reason I care when a guy calls again is because I won't date someone who I don't see long term potential with so they way I am treated in the beginning is important to my evaluating whether we have compatible values. I have no hard or fast rules, but if guy didn't call me fairly soon after a date I would want to know the reasons why - if he gave me no reason I might very well see him again but probably not more than once unless he stepped up to the plate on his own without my having to "teach" him how to treat me (since at least in my experience, most of the men I have dated know pretty much what's expected in the early stages as far as calling and planning).

When was the last time you were tested? Are you aware that the test for AIDS is not accurate unless you've abstained for at least 6 months?