aurélia shine

Five years ago, in Italy, I developed feelings for a guy. I couldn't make sense of my "choice" of guy; he was two years younger, a complete kid and couldn't speak a word of English. As a result we never exchanged more than a few words. But one day, quite unexpectedly, he looked at me, his eyes burning intensely and I felt a pulling sensation in my stomach that made me light-headed. I have never, before or after this event, felt anything like it. We kissed one night but the next morning he apologised and backed off. I left the country with no idea that I would ever see him again, but unable to forget him. I wrote to him as soon as I got home, but received no reply. The years passed, and every time I would go to certain places which reminded me of him, I would wish him well in his life and hope that he was ok. Then I moved to Italy, and though I'd had relationships in the interim, I still thought of him (but it was more through curiosity by now). I wrote to him and received a reply, and as soon as I saw his handwriting, all the feelings that I had once felt for him re-awoke. When we finally spoke on the phone, we just kept laughing and I can't begin to describe how happy I was. He said he was really happy that I had got back in touch, and would I like to see a ballet with him (I had included in my letter that I was a bit of a fan). We went out, once, twice, and by the fourth meeting, feelings were declared and five years on, we were kissing again. We spent five months as couple. We are very different people and as it showed more and more, he began to detach. Last week put an end to the relationship, exactly one week before I am due to return home. His reasons were numerous: not ready to commit as seriously as me, not willing to change his lifestyle for me, his feelings for me were changing, etc. I agreed to the separation and left him alone. It's strange: I don't feel crushed, I can still smile, but even now and then I feel a long, slow sadness that makes me want to curl up in bed all day. And still, I can't shake the idea that our story is not over. Our breakup was so quiet, so calm that it makes me think that it was more a pause. And it's not a question of being prepared to wait another five years for him to reinitiate things - no matter how hard I try, I feel like this man is the one and it was no accident that our paths crossed again. Please, bring some sense and reason to my messed-up head!!

"The person who initiates the breakup (for lack of a better word, the dumper) always has had much longer time to think about the breakup than the dumpee. So the dumpee will almost always get blindsided. The dumper may have been processing the possibility for months already, and thereforeeee is at an 8 or 9 on the scale of 1-10, by the time he reaches a 10 and actually initiates the break up...meanwhile, the dumpee may have only been at a 2 or 3 on the scale, sensing something wasnt right, but never realising how NOT right things were." I read this in another post and it helped a lot. If you're reading this and have been dumped, it may help you to understand why the dumper seemed so blasé after the breakup. It also helped me to accept that my ex isn't missing me, doesn't want to get back together and that it will stay this way. It helps to stop the reunion fantasies.

Here's the situation. I'm 22 and for five months I dated a guy who was 20. I met him five years ago when on holiday in Italy; from the outset, my feelings for him were spontanous and strong. For him, the feelings were perhaps less strong, but present. We kissed once but a day later he said he'd made a mistake, that he was 15, that I was leaving for America and he would be staying in France, etc. Anyhow, nothing further happened between us and at the end of my holidays, I went home. Five years later, I was spending 12 months in Italy for my university degree and decided to look him up. I had never forgotten him. He was the only person so far in my life for whom I had ever experienced such strong feelings and that tends to leave an impression upon a person. To cut a long story short, we met up and the feelings on both sides got stronger and stronger. We started going out, he introduced me to his friends, his parents as his first real girlfriend, I introduced him to my folks also when they came to visit me. But, it wasn't all roses. I was scheduled to return to America as my year in Italy was up. We spoke of our mutual fears about a long-distance relationship but ended up avoiding the subject in the end. His behaviour became increasingly distant; I became increasingly upset and convinced that he was falling out of love with me. Everything came to a head one week before I was due to leave Italy. He said that his feelings for me had changed, that he thought it was better to be honest and tell me sooner rather than later. He seemed confused but convinced that breaking up was the right decision. He said it was obvious we were different personality-wise, too different and that we were not made for one another as I had once remarked. And that he didn't want to sacrifice his life of drinking, smoking and partying with his friends for the burden of a serious long-distance relationship. That he wanted a girlfriend who wasn't dependent upon him at all. I accepted this because not accepting it would only be harder. Now I'm back home. My problem is that I keep fantasising that he will one day come back to me. I keep on rebuking myself for these fantasies because if you break up with someone it means the feelings were not there. But something inside of me refuses to let go. My question: are these making-up fantasies a natural part of the healing process or completely counter-productive ?