Jjasonn28

Alright, I was a little torn on wether or not to send her that email. But I ended up following my heart, and sent her a short email thanking her for sending me the instant message, and wishing her well. I told her that we miss her too... (Parker and I). At first I felt good for sending it. But now, a few hours later, I am feeling low again, and I really don't know why. Am I over analyzing my every feeling? Ive been thinking a lot about the present, and the future, and where everything is headed.... Im having a hard time finding any inspiration to move forward in ANY capacity.. I know, its only been 5 weeks since our 'break up' and its still so very early to have found understanding in all of this. I realize too, that its gonna take a VERY long time to put everything completely behind me. So, if I can be aware of this.. why am I having such a hard time with it? For example, every time I feel like crying, I think to myself... 'no need to torture myself. Life is short, and I deserve so much better than this.'. But I still cry. I still get lost in the torment of memories, insecurities, and lost feelings. I search desperately for an answer that will make me feel better, but cant find one. And when the tears begin to slow down, I think, 'tomorrow is a new day. Be strong, and go FIND understanding. Go FIND a reason... FIND that inspiration..' Then with the sunrise, I look outside and knowing what I SHOULD do, I cant do it. All comon sense seems to hide. Overshadowed by those insecurities... So my self aware common sense persona knows that I can be, and have been a strong, inspired, happy person without her in the past.. and that I dont need her to be that person again... Then my heart chimes in.. reminding me of the way I felt when we were together. Stronger, Happier and so much more driven... Bah. A constant struggle between my heart and my head. I wish I could believe, and trust in BOTH again.. JP

LoL Hosswhispra. I am trying to be careful not to read too much into this stuff remember? Heh, but thanks again for the encouragement. You always seem to bring a smile to my face. I haven't initiated contact in a long time, but I think I am going to send her an email... just to say thanks for the message, and to let her know that I am hoping that she is having a great trip.... Would this be a bad idea? My instincts are telling me to send an email, but Im not 100% confident in my rational judgement abilities at the moment...

Well for some reason, when we still talk and such, I dont hurt afterwards. In a strange way, it makes me feel a little better. I dunno. Maybe Im crazy. We dont speak daily, and Ive seen her only once in the last month. Also, she initiates about 98% of the contact. Ive thought about NC... but I just feel that would hurt more. Maybe in the long run, it will take me longer to move on.. but for the moment, speaking to her kind of helps. Im doing my best to be aware and conscious of all the problems that typically come with a 'friendship' after a breakup. She knows me better than anyone else, and I her. We didn't break up on bad terms... so there is no resentment between either of us. Yes, I love her, and will always love her. She is aware how I feel, and generally is very concerned with how I am feeling, and not hurting me. I also realize that she still has feelings for me, and together we are trying to remain civil, by being friends, and each doing what we can to keep things from getting out of hand emotionally. I dont know if that made any sense, but it does to me

Yep, my first update!! So last I wrote, she had left to the Dominican Republic for vaction, and was feeling a little low, because I wasn't able to say goodbye... That was on Thursday. Saturday I went away on an Ice Fishing trip with a couple friends, and when I came back today, I arrived to a message left on MSN. (I tend to keep it on all the time) She had found some type of Internet Cafe, and sent a message to let me know that she arrived safe, and was really enjoying her stay. She also said that she was thinking of me a lot, and really missed me.. This made me feel better. Dont get me wrong, Im trying my best, to be conscious of NOT reading into stuff like this, and grabbing on to 'loose scraps' and letting false hope build inside. But again, just the fact that she went out of her way to do that, gives me a sense of satisfaction in that on some level, she still cares. So, tonight, I will sleep in peace. JP

Hello everyone. I figured I would start this post as sort of a 'Journal'. A place where I can come, to put my thoughts 'on paper' so to speak. I appreciate everyones great advice and support. Hopefully this one post will be a more organized, focused log of this journey.. and that you subscribers will keep checking in on me, and continue to send me your strength through your words. I cant say enough, how much I appreciate everyones insight. Your honesty keeps me grounded and inspired at the same time. Your encouragement makes me not only try harder to be strong... but also to WANT to grow into a bigger person on many different levels. So here is to you, and to the next.... well, lets just say step. J.P.

Hello everyone.. Just a quick post cause Im feeling a little low this morning. The 'former' left this morning for the Dominican Republic. She and her sister are going for a week for a little vacation. I think its great, and that it is something that she really needs, (if she can actually let herself relax and enjoy it.) Anyhow, I was hoping to say goodbye to her, and to wish her well. Seems though, we just missed eachother's phonecalls. I received an email from her, but without being able to hear her voice, its just not the same. I know, its not really my 'duty' to be saying goodbye to her. I understand that she has no obligations to do the same either. But it still is hard. She is half way accross the planet (give or take) yet it still feels so much further. Tonight I have that hollow feeling in my chest, and its hard to smile about anything. Im not depressed.. nor particularily sad. I guess it just feels as though my soul has been temporarily removed. But, in spite of the vast space, countless miles, and lets not forget emotional planes between us, I will take little comfort in knowing that maybe we will meet tonight, in dreams. To hold her in my arms, and be witness to her smile.. even in dreams would make my day. Thanks for listening.... JP

Hosswhispra, I cannot thank you enough for your positive replys, and encouraging words. Always, you seem to lift my spirits. And its because of this positive energy from you, and others who have been so helpful, that I haven't completely abandoned my belief in love. I find myself looking forward to your reply's. Thanks so much for being a angel in my corner JP

Hello everyone. Just writing to let you know how yesterday's visit with the former went. I am happy to announce that it went well... Its an hour drive to see her, and the whole way I kept running all these negative scenarios through my mind. My nerves were wrecked, and I was doubting this desiscion more and more with each passing kilometer. When I pulled up to her house, I could see her waiting in the window. She waved, and had a huge smile. For an instant I thought, 'oh no, what the hell am I doing?' But when she came out to greet me and Parker, and I saw that smile on her face, it all went away. I let Parker out and he was so excited he tacked her. (He is a Staffordshire Terrier) She was laughing, and he was kising her to death.. but instead of being sad, It really was a relief to see her. Seeing her happy, her smile always did make everything else seem irrelivant. So we went out for breakfast, which was great. A little awkward finding stuff to talk about at first. (Neither of us wanted to discuss us.) When we started talking about her upcoming vacation, things just got better from there. We laughed, smiled, basically did what we both really wanted. To just enjoy eachother's company. After breakfast, we went to the park. Picked up a coffee on the way, and took Parker to the field and let him go crazy. There was maybe a minute there, where I felt tears welling inside me.. because it was just SO great to see them both happy like this again. But I caught it in time, and was able to avoid that scene. It then came time for her to go to class, so I dropped her off at school. On the way, she did say something that I wasn't expecting, or didn't know how to react to. She told me that she has never met anyone like me. That I am so sweet, caring and she cant imagine her life without that. I realize now, that she appreciates my company. She appreciates the fact that I really DO respect her, and only want her happyness. And I really do. I would do anything for her. Is that the type of support that comes with love? Well, with my love absolutely. Is it the type of support that has to end with the relationship? Absolutly not. Of course I love her. But I truly mean it when I say that I always will. So all in all, I think the trip went well. The drive home was nice. I had a smile the whole way. And I slept all night last night. This morning, I think of her again, and I smile. Of course I miss her. And of course my heart is still broken.. but I can be happy today. Her smile is fresh in my memory

Teacup.. You MUST forgive yourself. If you are ever to learn, and grow, and become a stronger person in spite all of those who pushed you down, you will first have to learn to forgive yourself. But also be sure that you are forgiving yourself for the RIGHT reasons. Dont regret not having the strength when you needed it most. We are only human. Forgive youself, for the moments of weakness, but most of all, you have to understand that by not forgiving yourself, you will struggle more when it comes to being strong again. Easier said than done, I know. You arent at fault. May your own strength, guide you.

Hello everyone. Just a little update before I head to bed on this hollow evening. It will be 4 weeks tomorrow... since the end. I read your replies to my previous post. Thank you to all who has taken the time to help me push forward. As you may or may not be aware, wednesdays plan to get together with her fell through. (I got nervous and canceled last minute.) So we had set Saturday as the day to get together. Many of you replied that It is way too soon for me to see her. And when Im feeling down, lonely, and in that state of missing her, I agree. I would have been setting myself up for a little more heartache. Not that she would do anything purposely to hurt me, or to make me feel more unwanted, but for the simple fact that seeing her smile, will remind me that I will no longer be a part of that which makes her happy. And that thought really hurts the most. However, she was looking forward to Saturday, and I really dont want to let her down, and a little part of me still DID want to see her. But al day friday I was nervous again. We didn't talk since Wednesday, and the plan was that I would meet her at 9:00 am Saturday. Well, friday night, I just couldn't sleep. After hockey, I came home and even though I was fairly worn out from all the activity, I was too nervous to fall asleep. Then it got interesting. At 4:00 am, the phone rang. Long Distance. Yes, it was her again. I answered the phone and when I heard her voice, I felt soothed again. Apparently she awoke from a dream about me, and had an urge to call me because she got the sense that there was something wrong with me. She came straight out and asked me, if I was having troubles with the idea of seeing her. Its a strange thing isn't it? I dont take that as anything less, than being connected on a different level. She was dead on. I confessed my truth, how I greatly miss her, and really do want to see her, but that I am so nervous. And she admitted to me, that she is very nervous too. She does want to see me, and our dog, and is having a hard time with it. She began to cry again, and asked ME, why it had to be so hard. We agreed not to see eachother on Saturday, as I would be WAY too tired to drive down in the morning. But she did convince me to come down on Monday. She is going south on vacation at the end of the week, and she wants to see me before she leaves. We are in agreement that it will be awkward, and nerve racking to say the least, but it is something that on some level we both want. So I AM going. Yes, it is 2:00 am already, and I am nervous again, but I will put all that fear aside, just because if for some reason, I never got to see her again, I would regret missing this opportunity. Im not going to profess love, beg for her back, question her reasoning. I am going to see her smile, and share some time with her. I realize that this goes against the very reasons why in may ways I KNOW I shouldn't see her.. but being afraid and running away is something that I dont want to do either. She knows how I feel. She IS sensitive to my heartbreak. And I understand that she is having a hard time, perhaps a little confused herself. So, with that in mind, we will come together and hope that the serenity of eachothers presense, will overshadow the awkward feelings. At least for a couple hours.... When she said goodbye, she called me babe. Force of habit more than likely, but regardless, hearing it didn't make me feel sad, nor particularily happy... but in that moment, I would have given anything to give her a hug.. Thanks for listning once again. I am beginning to fade here, so I apologize if my 'rant' is a little unorganized. I'll let you know how it goes.. JP & Parker!!

Hello again everyone. So its been a little over 3 weeks since the former girlfriend and I Began the process of 'letting go'. I wont deny that I miss her so very much. In the 3 1/2 years of our life together, this is the longest we've gone without seeing eachother. It's hard, it hurts and I still find myself confused, lost.... without purpose. She called me on Monday, and asked if we could get together, and take our dog for a walk in the park. Initially, I felt good. Excited, not only because I get to see her, but because I know how much she loves Parker (the dog of course) and how much he loves her. He has always had a profound effect on her, when it comes to cheering her up. And she spoils him rotten, so its a good thing when they are together. Anyhow, we made plans for me to meet her Wednesday night, after she was done school... I couldn't do it. When Wednesday came, I freaked out. I was overcome by such a sense of panick... like I was standing in the middle of a road, with a truck bearing down on me, and couldn't choose what side of the road to run to. I called her home, (knowing she was at school) and left a message that something had come up, and I couldn't make it. She called back when she got home, said she was disapointed she couldn't see us, but we could re schedule. So, now we have plans to meet for breakfast Saturday morning, and take Parker out for the day. My heart is screaming at me. I love her. I want to see her so much. But I am so nervous. Im not expecting anything other than a nice conversation, and some fetch. But my mind seems to be guarding my heart from any further hurt of hope. I am aware that hope is a bad thing, and I am trying to make a consious effort to accept this. So why am I so nervous? I can control my emotions. Ive always been pretty good at that. I just dont know. Even now, my hands are shaking thinking about it. Am I overreacting? The possibility of a reconciliation is not on my mind.. I sincerely miss her, and it would be nice to spend a little time with her again. Will seeing her smile make me happy like it always did? Or is it gonna break me. I apologize if this post is a little... well, unorganized. I tried my best to think before typing.. Im just infused with more emotions than I can handle I think.. But thanks for listening.. JP

Hi curlygirl. Thank you very much for your kind words. Yes, we are in an aweful position arent we? I find that the easiest way for me to remain positive, confident and not in a constant state of depression, is to keep reminding myself that there IS more to life than our current state of lonelyness. We have our friends, we have our families, and life will go on. Of course I have my weak moments, sad days and such, but I try my hardest to not be disallusioned with hope, and make a consious effort to understand that this is all happening for a reason. Why did I decide to stay, and not move away? Well, for a couple reasons I guess. I took a trip up to where I thought I wanted to move. A place where I figured I could leave all the hurt and pain behind, and start fresh. The thing is, when I got there (even though it was just for a visit) that seclusion and distance made me feel a little more alone. I enjoyed my visit there, but realized that if I did move, I would only be moving away from my friends and family, but still would be bringing the emotions with me. I came to understand that the only thing I would be getting away from, are the people who DO care about me. I would be in a new place, alone, and that scared me. Another reason is that while its always been my dream to live up there, Ive somehow through the relationship attatched the former girlfriend to those dreams. When I was there, I couldn't stop thinking of all the things we talked about, all the things we dreamed we would become, and how we would spend our days. She is still a part of that dream, and I think only time can fix that. So I am staying where I am. However, I do intend on moving into another apartment. Things do have to change. But I'll start by removing her picture from my wallet.. It hurts to do it, but it must be done.... because no matter how much I love her, or how much I want to be with her, it's just not whats meant to be right now. In the future?? Maybe... but im not planning on it, or letting that hope be a shackle. I must move on. In time, I will let go. Eventually, at some point in our lives, we have to face these fears. I hope it makes me a stronger person.. JP

Yes, the ball is now in his court. If he is shy, you did him a favor by texting him first. He may still be doing the 'waiting' thing. But if he is interested in you, he absolutely will get back to you.

Yup, been there. Wearing condoms doesn't have to be a chore, or unpleasant. Okay, you lose sensation, and the awkwardness of searching for one, and putting it on can definitely put a damper on the mood. But there are ways around that. My suggestion to you, is to involve her. Have the condom handy, and when it comes time to put it on, have her do it. Make the act of putting the condom on, sexual. Also, a drop or two of lubricant inside the condom, will help increase your pleasure. good luck.

Hello again everyone. Its been almost a week since Ive posted, so I thought Id post a little update to those of you who are familiar with my story. Last time I posted, I had decided not to take my life and move away. So that has been settled. I am however, having a hard time figuring out what I am going to do here. One thing is certain, I have to get out of this apartment at some point. Also, as for work.. well that is tough too. It looks like Im leaning more and more towards building my own business, although I must admit, its an exciting, but scary feeling at the same time. Im not so sure I have the confidence yet, to go it alone... and that in turn makes me sad. So yup, I am still on the hourly rollercoaster of emotions. There seems to only be one thing in my life at the moment that keeps me grounded. Playing hockey. Its the only time I forget everything, and absolutely enjoy life. Everything else.... EVERYTHING seems to still have some sort of attatchment to her.. the ex. (That is still so hard to say.) Perhaps former girlfriend is a little less negative.. Speaking of her, I wanted to bring up another of her out of the ordinary phone calls. In the three and a half years, I can count on one hand how many times she called me at 2:00 am. But this past tuesday night, she called me... crying harder than I ever heard. When I answered the phone, she said hello, and then for probably 2 minutes, couldn't get a word past her tears. She finally calmed down and explained to me why she was so upset. Its a long story, but to sum it up, she was feeling lonely. She had a horrible day, nothing went right, and when after a long day of school, and work she locked herself out of her house and was stuck in the rain. She said she had such an overwhelming feeling of being alone, and she was scared. She apologized for calling me, but I'm the only person she has ever 'leaned on' so to speak. I realize many of you think it is unfair of her to call me like this, and expect me to be there for her. I agree to some point. But in this case, I was happy to be there for her. I told her, and she knows, that I always will be. Especially in the weakest moments, such as those. And though it doesn't make things any easier, again, I felt a little bit better, knowing that she hasn't taken everything (emotionally) and threw it out with the trash. Knowing that she still cares, gives me a sense of security in that our relationship wasn't a waste. We did gain something from it.. Yes, I still love her, and have no doubts that it is her that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But no matter what happens, I will always be there for her.. And this is where I leave you. Still confused, a little irrational perhaps, oh yes a little stubborn.. still believing in love. JP

Hmm. I would have to disagree. Why wait? I dont get these games, it just makes no sense to me. If you like him, call him.. even if its just to say hello. Im not saying that you have to start calling him every day, twice a day, but there is no harm in leaving a message, or calling to chat for a few minutes. I am a shy guy, and its a fault I think. In the past Ive probably missed out on a few opportunities, just for that reason. On the other hand, a couple times, the girl DID call, and in those cases.. that was all it took to break the ice. I guess my point is, if you want something, you go after it right? Wait for it to come to you, and you may just end up waiting forever. I know.

I would say it depends on my feelings for the girl I am currently dating compared to the 'crush' feelings I had or may still have for the other girl... There are so many different circumstances, and the weight of my feelings for either of the girls would play a big part. Its a tough question being that its rather vague...

Hosswhispra, Thank you again for posting. Your posts always make me smile. Okay, sure, they give me hope too, which some would argue is the worst thing for me right now. But I think that I am sane enough to recognize this hope for what it is... just hope. At this point, even though I cant let go of hope, I can put it aside, and try to stay focused on moving forward. Otherwise, I may just crumble, or explode from heartache. I really appreciate your kind words. To know that there are others who believe in Love... as more than a word, more than an illusion, or state of insanity makes me want to continue to be strong in stay steadfast in my own belief of love. And if nothing else, you have brought a smile to my face, and I cannot thank you enough for that. Sincerely, J.P.

Well we live long distance, which makes things that much harder. The main reason that we are 'moving on' is because she doesn't think its fair to me, that she cant give me what I need in this relationship. She is very busy with school, and working to support that, and has shifted her priorities from me, to those things. I have no doubt that if the distance was erased, we could make things work, or at least could have. .. its complicated, its long, its messy. I certainly feel that she is having reservations, but am not about to go begging for her to give us another chance. If she doesn't think we are worth it, there is no point in me trying to find some sort of way to convince her otherwise. It has to come from her.

Hello everyone! Im posting again tonight for a few reasons. First, to keep those of you who are familiar with my situation up to date. Also I suppose to help vent some of this built up frustration I am having. And to of course, question values in hopes of finding some sort understanding. Hmm, it seems to be coming back to the same thing. I just dont understand. Anyhow, this past weekend, I took a trip up north. I went to a friends cottage, then spent a day in the little town where my dreams of living up there grew from. I am so very glad I decided to take this trip. It is what I needed to realize that I am NOT ready to take my life, and move up there right now. Although I had a great weekend, it is painfully obvious that the ex is still attatched to those dreams. If I were to pick up and go, I wouldn't be getting away from anything. Its nice to think that Id be going to live my dream, but until my dream doesn't include her, i would just be fooling myself. I must say, I am somewhat relieved about making the decision. Of course, the pieces arent exactly 'falling in to place' but I am seeing, and maybe more importantly feeling things move forward. But what would a post in 'Healing After Break Up or Divorce' be, without at least a little set back, and a few tears.. When I arrived home from the trip, I found that I had only two messages on my machine. Both were from the ex. She called mainly to see how I was doing, (which isn't out of the ordinary) but it was the second message that rustled my emotions. She was in tears, saying how she wanted to talk, because she missed me, and that she felt a strange hurt in her heart.. Okay, part of the 'moving on' process will include these weak moments, and of course us missing eachother... But I dont UNDERSTAND IT. Why, if we both hurt, if we BOTH are having a hard time letting go, why are we?? We respect eachother, we trust eachother, we understand and believe in eachother... I guess the difference is that I love her. And somehow, along the way, she has lost that feeling. And it kills me. So thats the brief overview of my past few days. Im trying my best to convince myself that I deserve better, that we arent meant for eachother. Trying to find faults, reasons... anything. But still I cant. Thanks for letting me talk!! I needed it.

Hosswhispra, Thank you very much for your kind words and advice. I suppose I could just change jobs, and move somewhere else within or around the city, to keep my friends and family close. You are right, now more than ever I do need the support, and moving away from that may just hurt me a litttle more. A couple things are clear.. I must change jobs, and move from this apartment. Perhaps now is that time in my life where I should start a business on my own. I am qualified, in most cases.. (certain business practices excluded) but I know I could pick it up quickly. I will take more time to think about this stuff and NOT make a decision in haste. It is difficult. So very hard to wake up, and try to put a smile on my face, and pretend that things are fine. My friends and family are trying their best, and I really do appreciate that, but the bottom line is, right now, Im devastated. One foot forward right? Thank you so much

Hello all, again. So Im a mess, trying to find the pieces before I can put them back together. I am getting out a little more, crying a little less, but still find myself so very lost. My boss is wondering when Im coming back to work.. Thing is, I dont like that job. Never have. Ive been working for the company for the last year and a half, while waiting for the ex to finish school so we could move forward in our future.. Now, thats gone. So what reason do I have to stay? Of course my family is in the area, as well as friends.. but it just seems that EVERYTHING around me is connected to her, (the ex) in some way. This entire apartment... furniture, decor... down to even the cutlery, has all been accumulated through my relationship with her. Its sad really. I havent slept in my bedroom since we broke up. I sleep in the livingroom, on the couch.. Im afraid to even walk into the kitchen.. so ive been eating take out. In talking with my friends, and family most of them seem to think that moving up north isn't such a bad idea. Of course, they are worried that Im thinking about it for the wrong reasons, and are concerned about me being able to find full time employment in a small town.. Im not worried about that. Im confident in my qualifications for employment ANYWHERE I go.... The ex called again today, and I told her what I was thinking of doing. Was this a bad idea? I realize she has no right now to be concerned for my future.. as she gave that up when she said goodbye. But, old habits die hard, and she has always been my primary sounding board. She seems to think it is a good idea. She supports it fully, saying that she 'always saw me living up there'. Is it still a little soon to make such a drastic change? Should I go back to my old job, for a few weeks even, to be sure Im thinking straight? I hate the thought of working for someone, or doing something I dont like.. especially without reason. Why is there a fear in me of making a bad decision. Since my first trip north, when I was 14, I dreamed I would live a life up there. But Im afraid of failing.. again. Bah. If only I could close my eyes, and wake up in a point in my life where everything is so right.....

I understand this RayKay, I really do. Like I had said, there are so many different circumstances, its impossible to generalize relationships. I realize it takes two. No matter how minor the problems, it takes both to want to grow stronger together. It just seems, (in my eyes anyway) that some people are so afraid to face such challenges. For some reason, they would prefer to try to grow from these challenges independently. Is it a lack of communication, or trust, or understanding between partners? Probably. No one is perfect. Travelling the smooth, straight road is probably the safe bet, but wont make you a better driver. Lol, does that make sense to anyone else??

Thanks for your posts.. Maybe it is unfair of her to be doing this... but somehow it DOES make me hurt just a little less when she calls. Well, for now anyway. I am a romantic. Is that a fault? I would like to believe that Love, is more than another physical emotion... that true love, goes beyond that. Hoss, if what you think, and what my heart wants so bad does eventually happen.. then I will have reason to believe in more than just what I see. A meaning, if you will. However, I know I cant hold on to that hope forever. I read something in someones signature, about how past loves, are guiding stars. Leading us to where we are intended to be... with that one true love. If there is a bigger, greater love out there, then hopefully, one day this will all make sense. The pieces will have fallen into place. Until then, Im trying to put one foot infront of the other... Trying..

Well, I may be on no position to give relationship advice, given my emotional state.... but im gonna anyway You seem like an intelligent, sweet girl with a good head on your shoulders. Do you love him? Or is his presense merely habitual? Do you want to try to fix whats broken, and continue on a future with him? From what I gather, you do not. If you think his friendship is worth salvaging, then perhaps that is something you can do, but I dont think at this point. Until he treats you like a friend, and nothing more/less, and you can do the same to him, its probably in your best interest to take time away from him. The last thing you should have to endure, is hurt from him, in any way. You will just end up guarding yourself even more.. But thats just what I think