Jjasonn28

Hi Christy, and welcome to eNotAlone. I dont have much to say pertaining to your particular situation, as I have never been in your shoes. I will say however, that regardless of what he may try to make you think, there is a life so much better ahead of you. Its going to be a hard struggle, but have confidence in yourself, for your sake and your son's. This sight has been a crutch for me, and Im sure you will find the same support and great advice from so many wonderful people as I have. Hang in there. JP

Hey. When I was with my ex, the same thing happened. We were sexually active, then one day, it just stopped. For a while, I thought perhaps it was the stress of school, and I shrugged it off, not worrying too much about it. But as time went on, I obviously started to worry. We had a couple talks about it, which lead to her uneasily dancing around the problem, and me though a little frustrated, ignoring the issue. Then one evening, (roughly a year later) we finally had a long talk about it. It turned out she had been building her relationship with god in secret, afraid that because of my beliefs, I wouldn't be able to deal with it, or understand it. Along with that, it was a long distance relationship with her being in university in another city. Because of that distance, and not being able to see eachother very often, it was easy to have that problem go 'unnocticed'. We were happy to be spending time with eachother, and that was more than good enough for me. The important thing is that you communicate with her. If she has decided that she wants to buil her relationship with god, than you have to respect that. If you love her, than that should be enough. I know its difficult, having been able to express feelings through sexual activity, and now not having that form of expression. I've been through it. If its something you think you can not handle, then you need to let her know that, and perhaps move on yourself. Personally, the thought didn't cross my mind once. And in dealing with a little insecurity at first, and slowely but surely working on our communication, I realized that I loved her beyond any doubt. Can you spend time with her, enjoy her company, have fun with her and continue to love her without sexual expression? Or is it something that you are having a real hard time dealing with? Remember though, its not only about what she wants. You are in it to be happy too..

I think through the process of breaking up, I have learned many things. The biggest one though, would have to be that above all else, my needs are just as important as anyone elses. Bending over backwards to try to fulfill other's needs, doesn't accomplish a single thing, unless you are not only capable, but willing to do the same thing for yourself. Also, Ive learned that although its been a painful roller coaster of a ride, I can sit content knowing that without a doubt, I am capable of loving, and receiving love. The pieces are all on the table, now its time to put them in the right place.

Hi there. If your dentist did not prescribe anti-biotics, I would suggest seeing a doctor if the swelling doesn't seem to be getting any better. And yes, any anti inflamatory may help, but the smart thing would probably be to either revisit your dentist for a follow up, or see your doctor.

Hello star. Well, it very well could be, that these feelings, or regrets are that you aren't missing him necessarily, but more that you are missing the companionship and comfort of being in a relationship... But I still think its better that you find out. Im not saying go back to him and get into a relationship.. Im just saying contact him. If things are cordial, and friendly, meet him for lunch. Take things from there. It should be pretty evident after spending some time with him wether deep inside, there is a 'bond' between you, and wether there is that primal 'spark'. That is absolutely right, a disaster it would be. Which is why Im suggesting to take things slow. Test the waters for both yours, and his sake. First things first.... find out if he is even willing to talk to you, or meet you for a coffee... Also... dont shut yourself out from other opportunities. What I mean is, you are in fact single right now. Perhaps go on a date or two? This also would help you to identify wether you miss him, or 'somebody'. Its a delicate situation, just do what is in your heart.

Hello there. Well from what I understand, the reason for the break up is that after being together for 4 years, it felt like the spark was gone. I am curious as to wether after feeling this way for a while, did you and he try to discuss things? Or was it something that was pushed aside? In most relationships, at some point or another, to some extent, this will happen. I think it is very important to talk about it, and try to mutually find some way to get through the plateau. Ignoring it, and 'hoping things might change' without both people acknowledging the problem will inevitably lead to stronger doubts. I speak from experience. In regards to your question of wether or not you should seek him out and find out how and what he feels.. I say why not? If in fact, the relationship did end somewhat mutually, on good terms, and there is no real resentment on his part, what do you have to lose? But if you do decide to ask him, keep in mind that he may be very guarded about his feelings. Sure, he agreed with the reasons you broke up, but that doesn't mean it didn't break his heart. If somehow it ends up that the both of you want to try again, then great. Perhaps you can both learn from the experience, and can build a 'new' relationship with a better understanding of them. Or, he wont feel the same, and then, at least you will know.

Perhaps its completely out of the question, but have you ever considered, or suggested playing some of these games with him? I would consider myself somewhat of a 'gamer', but in my case the thing I enjoy most about it is the social aspect of it. I play online games, and through the wonders of technology, (ie. Teamspeak) I have met and formed friendships with many people around the world. I was very supprised not only at the number of women playing these games, but also at the number of couples who play together. Just a suggestion. I do understand how you feel. If it is something that you have absolutely no interest in, or for whatever reason it wont work out, I suggest the direct approach. But be careful though. Even though they are just 'video games', do not belittle their significance to him. When you speak about how you would like to perhaps spend more time with him, dont speak aggresively and negitevely about them. This will most likely cause him to be defensive about them, and cause tension. Also realize, that if it is a new game, his attention to it is very peaked. I dont know why it is like that, it just is. Some of us guys are just rediculous that way. I dont mean to pigeon-hole every guy of course, but there is a great handy man analogy I like to use. If you want a guy, to fix the roof, or build a shelf, buy him a shiny new saw. If you give him time, It wont be very long before his interest in that game will decrease. That being said... the next new game that comes along may just have him back in his 'zone'. Now Im not trying to defend him either in this case. If it is taking time away from the two of you being close, then something should be done. My first approach would to try to find a comprimise. Just my 2 cents...

When I was first dating my ex, I bought her some flowers and a small bear, just 'because'. Her reaction was one that can be expected. She had a big smile, said thank you and gave me a hug. As time went on and I got to know her, my second gift to her was a houseplant. A jade plant to be exact. Her reaction? She burst into tears and wouldn't let go of me for a long time. My point is the same as mentioned by other posters. Find out what she really likes, put some thought into it, perhaps a little creativity on your part, and it will be a gift she wont forget. JP

I wouldnt go as far as to say that it is instant. In my situation anyway, when I first meet someone, I have my guard up. That being said, If for example, I am having coffee to get to know someone, I can usually tell afterwards wether or not there is chemistry enough to want to continue to get to know them. But what exactly can chemistry be defined as? I guess I would say that it is a combination of intellectual and phsyical attraction. More importantly though, everything will feel comfortable - easily. So in short ..... if after getting to know someone for the first time you have to struggle to determine if there is chemistry, I would say there isn't. If its there, you will know.

Hey.. congrats man!! A year ago, I was in school to gain my commercial helicopter pilots lisense. I finished all the ground school, law exams etc... but unfortunately had to stop my training as the flight hours were just too expensive. ($800 Canadian per hour requireing 100 hours of flight time). I still have dreams of what it would be like to fly solo. Keep up the good work, and never let go of that dream. The day you earn your wings will be one of the proudest days of your life! Safe flying... JP *edit* anyone have $80,000 burning a hole in their pocket to sponsor a future pilot ???? lol. Damn it hurts when dreams crash and burn.

Hi there. I think you are putting way too much worry into this situation. I am 28, but went through a similar situation. (Parents divorced, and having problems accepting my mothers new boyfriend). The kids are young, and will do what they want, when they want, how they want, regardless of how much effort you put in. However, no matter how much they resist, push back, decline... etc.. you need to keep putting in that effort. But do it in a way that keeps your headaches down quite a bit. For your bf's 50th, which is a HUGE deal... dont have the party at your house. Rent a hall. Plan it well in advance, and Invite everyone with formal invitations. This way, you've covered your bases. With the neutral location, it makes things equally comfortable to everyone. Planning well in advance will give everyone enough time to make sure they have 'nothing else to do'. Formal invitations, while maybe not as personal as you may like, again covers your butt, as you have treated everyone invited as equals. Oh, and dont make it a surprise party. Make sure he knows about it. Dont ever make arrangements to suit their convenience. I realize they are his kids, and that you want them included, to be a part of this relationship, but bending over backwards for them, only to have them dissappoint over and over isn't worth it. Make an effort, but realise that no matter how hard you try, they will continue to be stubborn. Dont worry, they will grow out of it, especially if your relationship with your bf continues to grow and mature. So will they.

I can speak from experience with this topic. I think that when you are happy and content with your life as it is, when you aren't concsiously or subconcsiously keeping a door open for opportunity, that love will hit like a ton of bricks. I had come out of a LTR, and had been single for about a year. I went through a period where I just wanted to be with someone, and was constantly looking for opportunities to meet people. After dating, and spending so much energy on trying to find it, (for the wrong reasons) I just stopped. I didn't realize it at the time, but I started focusing on what I did have in my life, and not what I didn't have. I was working at a good job, hanging out with my friends a lot and just having a great time being myself and living my life. Then, one day, it just happened. I was hanging out with a friend on my patio, enjoying a pint, and his girlfriend showed up with a friend from work. At that moment, my heart wanted to leap from my chest. I was dumbfounded really. She was very friendly, and we immediately clicked. It wasn't planned, it was just coincidence really that we happened to meet. I wasn't expecting it in the least, or even looking for it. And now that I think about it, it was the same way with the ex before her. My first love. I was younger and in my party every weekend stage. I had my first apartment, and would just hang with my friends all the time. She happened to be at a pub one evening, and known a friend of mine through work years before. She approached and instantly we hit it off. Perhaps it doesn't happen an easier wether you are or are not 'looking' for it. Just that when you are, it becomes painfully more obvious that it isn't happening. The bad dates, the set backs just prolong that feeling of missing something.

Before I met my now ex, I pretty much had an eye only for brunettes. For some reason, blondes didn't really appeal to me. But, the first time I saw her, she took my breath away, and well things changed from then on. Its definitely a personality thing. We all have physical images of what we think we prefer as the ideal type, but once we meat that person who takes hold of our hearts, all of a sudden, they become the picture of perfection. Flaws and all. I know I wouldn't change a thing about her. (Even when she had her hair cut from long to short!) She told me that she had it cut real short over the phone, and I was worried that it would be too much. But, when I saw her, nothing had changed. She was still the same beautiful person. So yeah. I agree that when it involves the heart, everything is right!

Hmm. In my last relationship, we would cuddle (her head on my shoulder) until we were about to doze off. Then we would kiss and say goodnight, and reposition ourselves back to back, and entwine our legs, or cuddle our feet for the night. I too hear something about sleeping patterns/positions revealing a lot about the nature of relationships...

Perhaps this one only applies to certain breakups.... but it has helped me GREATLY in the past. (Present situation excluded) One of those spiteful songs that make you feel good, even though its a little mean.... Blink 182 - You F*%!ed up my life. (I hope I dont get in trouble for trying to hide the word.... but it IS a song title.)

No... not different. Just feeling what real love is about. Hello again WhatGives. Alright, now that I understand the situation a little better, I can see why you are hurting so much from this abandonment of your other half. And no kidding.. I can relate. That same unearthly connection you speak of is still with me. Hard to explain, impossible to understand, but its there. I do question however, wether you truly believe that the two of you were not meant to be. It seems as though (by my limited understanding of your history) that you do love this guy very much, and care for him beyond a friendship. Okay, I've gone and stated the obvious. But what I mean is, are you convinced that it is an impossibility that the two of you aren't meant for more? The reason I ask is because I think that the loss of his friendship is having such an effect on your emotions, that perhaps in some way, you are afraid of not just letting go of a friendship, but letting go of all possiblities of reconciliation. Now, this is of course, just my initial observation based on very limited knowledge of your relationship with him. I have struggled a lot, with the torment of remaining friends and dealing with emotions, or letting the love go completely. I gave the friends thing a shot, and I love her no less then I did 5 months ago. The problem is, that even friendships, need balance. It cannot be one sided. And because I hang on to hope (even though I tried my hardest not to) the friendship we had wasn't balanced. I had more invested. My heart. I feel for you. I really do. Having him in your life, in at the very least a friendly capacity would be wonderful. But unless you have balanced and equal expectations, it would inevitably end up in failure. Sure, he's been your best friend among other things for so long, and in letting go, you hope that you could salvage the friendship. I'm at that point right now. But in my eyes, it seems as though you would have more invested into that friendship than he. You said it would rip your heart out to see him walk down the isle with another woman, yet you would do it just to be able to see the happyness in his eyes. I believe you. But could he do the same for you? I wish I could tell you that everything will work out. Things will be fine, and the pain will stop.... in time. Who knows what will happen in two weeks... 2 months... 2 years down the road. If he is unwilling to be your friend at right now, then there is nothing you can really do. Give him some time. Let him go, and look forward. It will hurt, god how I know it will hurt. You have made it clear to him how you feel, and I'm sure it hasn't fallen on deaf ears. The only consolation I can offer, is that many of us have been, or are going through similar situations. None of us have answers, just our experiences. Keep posting, and let us know how you are doing.

Hi there WhatGives. I guess first I should say that I am really sorry for the pain you are feeling. I know very well the emotions that come with losing someone so close to you like that. Except in my case, I am on the other side of the fence. Think of me, as that man who you let go. Now I dont mean to be rude, and I apologize if I come accross as so. But I really believe you are being selfish. Yes, I understand that losing a best friend in any capacity is tough. But to feel as though he is abandoning you is well quite frankly.... rediculous. You left him. And it probably broke his heart. If he were to read this post, he may be more confused as to why you left him. You say that he was the love of your life, and that you will love no man like you loved him, yet you weren't meant to be together romantically? IF there is more to the story that Im just not getting, then I apologize, but I think if anything, you bailed on him. Again, I dont know all the specifics... if you have been on again off again.... tried to work things out.... etc.. But it doesn't seem as though the break up was mutual. If it were, he would most likely be more inclined to save a friendship. This is where I am. About to say goodbye forever to the girl who stole my heart, then walked away from it. I love her dearly, and we are great together, but because of our past, it has become clear that a friendship is just out of the question. How can you be friends with someone you LOVE?? You cant. Your friends may or may not be right. In time, he may come around, and want to know you as a friend.. or he may not. Once he is over you, he may just want to leave it at that, and not want the possibility of complications that come with ex/ex friendships. I urge you to think about his feelings. And in your post you did mention how you understand how he is feeling, and that he wants to start clean. If you are certain that you cannot (for whatever reasons) have a life with him, then let him go. Every time you reach back into his life, you are just confusing him. Playing with his emotions. I know its not what you want to do, but it is what you are doing. TRUST ME. And I will end with this. If you have had friends come and go at their convenience, and are used to this type of behaviour, why is it hurting so much that it is happening again? Look into your heart. If there is still love there, dont abandon it. Dont be afraid of it. The 'Love of your life' is a rare thing. JP

Hmm. If my girlfriend, or now ex, had planned to spend an evening in my city, you better believe I would have been waiting for her at that hotel with flowers and planned a great evening out for the two of us. You haven't done anything wrong. He doesn't appreciate you, and you are better off to find someone who does. You deserve better than to be stood up by some guy who wants to 'teach you a lesson'. Games are rediculous.

Yep, you got it. I am a 'gamer'. Well, PC gamer anyway. I spend a lot of time playing different games, EQ2, WoW, EvE, SWG, BF2... so I can relate to the things people are talking about. However, I found out quickly that if I dont moderate myself and take breaks, my eyes will play tricks, my back will get sore, and my head will hurt So, when I do decide to spend a few hours infront of the computer in MMO land, I make sure to get up and out for a little while.

Haha!! Down with the Horde!! The alliance shall prevail! Anyhow, though removing the use of computers from our every day lives is becoming somewhat impossible, I find that getting outside when I take my breaks helps to combat the brain lag. A quick walk, some light stretching and the sunlight can do wonders to clear the fuzzyness. But dont worry, the day is coming where we will be 'plugged in' to these machines, and wont have to use our eyes, or fingers, or hands to use them.

I think it is pretty disrespectful for her to light a cigarette in the car. You should let it be known how you feel. You dont like it, TELL HER. You care for her enough that you dont like to see her doing this to herself, so TELL HER, 'yes!! I want you to quit!!' I am a smoker, and my ex was not. Through our 3.5 year relationship, I can count how may times I smoked infront of her on one hand. I would NEVER consider lighting up in a car with her. Even on one occasion, we drove for 23 hours out to the east coast, she even told me to, because it doesn't bother her, (her parents both smoked) but I refused to. Simply put, Its MY bad habit, and I respect her. We even lived together for a year and a half. I didn't smoke inside, or outside, when we were hanging out. Just be honest with her about how you feel. Dont get angry, or pushy, just let her know that you are concernd for her well being. Good communication requires some conflict from time to time. Be heard.

That was a very good article. I've always found that when embraced, nothing else seems to matter. My mind can go from worrying about everything, to thinking of only that moment, simply through the 'art' of a hug. I am a firm believer in 'give and you shall receive'. Even if Im having a particularily bad day, I will put a smile on. Its so true that there is too much negative energy in this world. And by simply passing a smile, or a good word on to others, we can combat that with positive energy.

I was the same way with my ex, as your guy is. Very Very shy. I did want to kiss her, and like an above poster mentioned, kicked myself after every date I chickened out. We were dating for about 3 weeks, before our first kiss, and she was the one who finally had to come after me. It was unexpected, and perfect. After a nice dinner, we had just got into my truck to drive home, and she just leaned over and planted one on me. In a way, by her kissing me, it was her sign of approval... an intimate ice breaker if you will. Perhaps its a character flaw.. a lack of courage? I would like to think not. Just a respect for someone who I cared so much for, in such a short time, I didn't want to risk pushing it away. If you kiss him, it will be a moment he will never forget.

Before I answer, I guess I have to ask first... what is a soul mate? I think the definition of a soul mate, or even a soul for that mater is open to interpretation, and every individual will have a slightly different opinion of it. I wrote about this in another thread, but this is what I think. In the movie 'wedding crashers', true love is defined as "the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another." I love this line. And to me... that sums up what a soul mate is. That being said, I do believe that there are many people who could fit that description. I couldn't imagine a world where there was only 1 counterpoint that suited us. Think about how many people there are in the world. I would then estimate that 99.9% of marriages would be comprised of two people who aren't soul mates. But definitions and mathematics aside, I do believe there are people perfectly suited for eachother. And many of them. Though there cannot be such thing as a fairytale relationship. You know, the one where every moment is spent on a sandy beach on the ocean, the strawberry basket and bottle of champaigne never run out. What I mean is, though two people may be perfectly suited for eachother, effort will be required.

HAHAHAHAHA!!! That was funny, and just made my day. Straight to the point.. I love it.