Jjasonn28

I can understand that she cannot help what she feels. But I suppose the reason why the word 'betrayal' pops into mind, is because I have a suspicion that she was interested in me before our relationships crumbled. That she may have been playing along, waiting for the right time to say something. Thats all fine and whatever, but if this is true, then I wouldn't have spent as much time being 'friends' with her. On a few occasions, when I was feeling down, she was here to pick me up. Thats what friends do. But was she using the friendship to try and get closer? Thats what I mean by betrayed. If the friendship I thought we had was false, then isn't that a little conniving of her?

Hi everyone. So up to this point, I havent yet mentioned much about this friend of mine. We've been friends for about 6 months, (we met through mutual friends.) There was nothing between us, as I was with my ex, and she was with someone else as well. A strange coincidence, but when the relationship ended with my ex, this other girl ended her relationship as well. Well, recently she told me that she is really interested in me. This made me feel really awkward. She is well aware that I still love my ex so very much. Before she told me, she would talk to me about my situation, and was very supportive, and even gave me advice from her perspective. But now that she has confessed her interest in me, I have withdrawn from her. I am now questioning wether or not our friendship was based on hopes that we might eventually hook up, and quite honestly, I feel somewhat betrayed? Does this make sense? When I thought of her only as a friend, I treated her that way. I opened up about my feelings and accepted her thoughts and opinions as genuine expressions of friendship. Somehow, that has been tainted. And now, she sends me IM's and leaves messages trying to get me to spend more time with her. And the more she try's the more inclined I am to withdraw. Dont get me wrong, if I had met her at another point of time in my life, I wouldn't hesitate to consider dating her. She is attractive, kind, indipendant and very successful. But I love my ex. And I really cant see myself losing that love for quite a long time. So am I right for feeling betrayed? Or is that perhaps the wrong word..... Im not sure. What I do know, is that when we were friends, I enjoyed talking to her. But now, it feels as though she is being a little intrusive, and thats too bad. Because she is a nice girl, and herself, deserves more than what I am offering.. Oh, a quick update with the ex... She jumped on MSN yesterday and asked if I would call when I got a chance. I called her a few hours later, and we had a pretty good conversation. I ended up having a great day, and it was nice, to talk with her and be able to share it without feeling down. So, thats my ramble. Sick of me yet?? JP

Hey there. I can totaly relate to the way you feel. There isn't much any of us can say that will quickly alleviate you of your pain. We can offer our support and share our experiences and promise you that - in time, it WILL get better. For some people, it happens quicker than others. I cryed every day for almost a month and a half. For two weeks, I too felt phsyically ill, and on numerous occasions did become sick. People will give you all sorts of different advice, but all I can say is do what you want to do. Do what you know you SHOULD do. Almost everyone told me to get up and get busy. I suppose for some people, that would work fine. But I just couldn't do it. I took time away from working (infact left the company I worked for) and just dealt with the pain minute by minute. And eventualy albeit very slowely, I am starting to feel better. I still cry, though not as often. I feel remorse, and still question why. But I am also starting to feel better about myself and my life again. I feel for you, I really do. I wouldn't wish this type of emotional pain on anyone. Keep talking to us, if it makes you feel even the slightest bit better. There are many many people here with fantastic attitutes, big hearts and who really do sympathize along with you. Enotalone was a crutch when I crawled in here, but has turned itself into being a brick in the foundation on which I stand. I wish you well, and hope you continue to post with us. JP

Hi everyone. I had an interesting evening last night. Well, an interesting conversation anyway.. I hadn't spoken to the former girlfriend in about 6 days. She had called twice during that time, and both times left similar messages. 'She misses me, wants to know how I am doing' etc.. She asked if I'd call her back, but for some strange reason, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to, oh how badly I wanted to, but perhaps the barrage of NC advice is getting to me ;P Anyhow, she called last night, and I decided to answer the phone. She was calling from her cell phone, on a bus on her way to the library. We did the small talk thing for a while, I told her that I am doing well, and am excited about the new job and my extra involvement in hockey. Of course Im still very sad, and things still dont feel right, but I didn't tell her this. The conversation ended pleasantly, and she said she would talk to me soon. Well, about 15 minutes later, she logged onto MSN from the library. She sent a message telling me that she can feel that there is something bothering me, and she knows Im not telling her everything. So I caved. Yeah, I know, I probably shouldn't have, but whats done is done. I told her that I am doing as well as can be expected. That yes, I do miss her and even though things seem to be looking up, they still dont feel right. I also told her that I apologize for being distant, but that I am holding things in to protect myself. Her response was that she is doing the same thing. Holding things back, but she doesn't think that we should. That we have special bond that we can't deny, and if its on our mind, we should talk about it. She also said that she would really like to take a day and spend it here with us. So, in your opinion how does this sound to you? I dont believe her intentions are ill willed. I believe she is sincere in missing me, and understanding the connection that we have is more than just that of a failed relationship. How should I handle things from here on in? I really dont want to withdraw from her, but at the same time, if we aren't going to work on this for the purpose of making things work together, then am I just prolonging my pain? I am starting to feel better, little by little about the direction of my life... and I will continue to focus on it. But in all honesty, I cant really place a worth on any type of relationship that I could share with her.... Of everybody I know, she is the one I most want to be open with. I want her to visit, I want my life to continue to look up, I want to share it all with her.. but I dont want to hurt anymore either. Im not sad. A little confused. A litle hopeful, a lot drained. I just wish I KNEW where everything was headed. Thanks for listening to me ramble Always appreciated. JP

Hmm. I guess my best first 'relationship kiss' was one that was unexpected. We were seeing eachother for about two weeks, and one evening, we went out to a small pizza place for a bite. After eating, we got in my truck to just drive around and talk, but as I turned to buckle my seatbelt, she grabbed my hand and just gave me that look. At that moment, nothing else in the world mattered. We both leaned in and had an amazingly passionate kiss. The type of kiss that gives you butterflys. Afterwards, she looked at me and asked, 'did you feel that?' I knew exactly what she meant, (the butterfly's) and just leaned back and kissed her again. JP

Hey Pedro. Thanks for your post. Im starting to think that London Ontario is a very bad place That is where my ex girlfriend moved to as well. She lives there with her sister while she finishes up university. You know, its easy to think that nothing can come between two people in love. Especially a little distance. But what you explained as happening to you and your relationship, happened to this one. I started to miss her more and more, and became sad about it. And rather than do something proactive to make things better, I sat back and waited on hopes that things would just somehow, work themselves out. But they didn't. She knew I was sad, I knew she was sad, but we wouldn't talk about it. We thought we were protecting eachother by trying to stay strong. Sure its easy now to look back and see that our way of dealing with it, wasn't at all effective. But what are we to do now? Try to move forward. Its hard to do, when both parties still have unbelievably strong feelings for eachother. In my opinion, we could still work things out. It would just take a commitment from both of us to want it. Perhaps seeking a professional to help both of us build the proper communication tools. Tools which we both lack. However, its easy to see that at this point, both of us are drained from the last year. Who knows, maybe in time something will happen. But I cant sit and hope for something like that to happen. I need to move forward in my life. I will continue to carry with me the hopes of being together again one day. But who knows, maybe at some point along the way, I will let go of those hopes, and grab on to something new. It is hard. If it wasn't, we wouldn't be here would we. Here's to hoping we can learn valuable lessons from all this, and productively apply them to our future. Cheers.

Thanks guys. I really am feeling much better. Having a new focus has really helped to keep my mind from wandering down the same dead end road. I will say though, that taking nearly 3 months away from work wasn't all bad. The company I left has called me back a few times, and even offered me a raise. But I've decided not to do that. I am good at what I do, and in time, believe I can be very successful working for myself. Of course Ive had hockey as well. Fridays have become my holy day And realizing just how much I love being involved in it, I have now also joined a hockey camp. Apparently there is an Adult hockey school run by an ex NHL'r in my city. They only have one goaltender during the Tuesday lunch hour time slot, so I will be going to get some practice in Good timing too, as the league starts up in less than 4 weeks! Yes, I am being positive. Trying my hardest. Im not going to say that I still dont get sad, and that I dont think about her. Because I do, just now, it doesn't constitute 90% of my waking day. Saturday evening, I took a big step, and went out with some friends to a restaurant that her and I had some special memories of. It was hard, and I did miss her, but I feel a sense of accomplishment having pushed myself to do it. I dont want to replace those memories, but I dont want handcuff myself from enjoying the things in life that bring me pleasure... regardless if it reminds me of her. Also, I went out for lunch today with a friend. When I got home, there was a message from her. Saying that she just got in from work, that she would be home all night, and that she misses us and asked if I would call. Getting that message from her made me feel good... but I did not call. I don't know why. I love talking with her, but I just couln't bring myself to call her. I dont feel bad about it, just strange... Oh, while at the restaurant for lunch today, we ran into a friend who we havent seen in quite a while. He was with his wife. Which was a surprise, because last we seen him, they had split up. I talked with him for a couple minutes, and he said that they are very happy, and that some 'things' just have to happen. So in a strange way, I was able to get a sense of hope that things may just work out. And either way, together or not, I am going to be just fine. I mean, even now, without this 'event' in my life, I would still be miserable at work, and stuck in a limbo life, wondering whats next. I still dont know exactly whats next, but I do know that whatever it is, its up to ME to find. Thanks for all of your support so far. Without doubt, this site has kept me grounded more than any other contributing factor. I appreciate everyones well wishes, kind words, and amazing attitudes. I'll be keeping you posted!! JP

Hello Everyone. Just checking in with all of you who are familiar with my saga. Well, the title of this post says it all. This week has been very different. Strange and unusual, but a relief in a way. As you may know, I picked up a contract and forced myself to get back on the horse. And since the first day of the job, I have felt less depressed, or it hasn't been a conscious depression anyway... Concentrating on this job has given my mind a break from the relentless agony of feeling like a failure. And suprisingly, Ive had a slight boost of my overall confidence in every aspect of my life. I'm happy to be back working, I've stumbled accross an oportunity to create a career for myself that I can be happy with. That alone is MASSIVE. For so long, i've been working for the wrong reasons. But maybe now, with a little hard work and dedication, I can change all of that for good... I cannot begin to explain the excitement of possibility I have growing in me. As for things with the former girlfriend... well nothing much has changed. Of course I still love her. And still feel things from her that are beyond 'moving on'. In fact, she called me last night, at midnight because she misses me and just wanted to talk. Not only did she call late, but she called from a payphone, because her roomate was on the phone. It just doesn't seem like something that one would do, when trying to distance, or separate themselves from another.. Or is it just me? Regardless, there is nothing I can do. I will begin to push myself to focus more on building a life that is best suited for me. Not wait for answers from her... not wait for her to finish school so that we may figure out a direction together. Ive done that for too long, and honestly, it dawned on me the other night, that perhaps that was part of what pushed her away. My lack of 'get up and go' towards MY life. Maybe I put unnecessary pressure on her (albeit non intentional) to lead the way. Still, I believe we are great together. I believe that we both have a connection that is beyond explanation. And I will, without doubt continue to feel a great loss. But I must, push forward and do whats best for me. I will continue to be her friend. And if in the future we reconcile then great. And if not, hopefully.... I will have made sense of this entire situation. Hopefully, the pieces of the puzzle will finally fall into place, and I can be satisfied, without regret that this all for the better. Thinking of her with a smile tonight, JP

Hi again. Yup, Another post by me preceded by a phonecall from her. And just more things to think about that drive me crazy. I woke up this morning, intent of having another productive day at the job I am working on. But it didn't take long before it was obvious that my mood was going to be on the down side. The sun was coming up, and it looked to be a beautiful day. Funny how immediately my mind thinks, 'how I wish she could be here, sharing this morning with me.' So the day goes on, things don't go so smoothely. Broke my screwgun, (hehe, really, the POWERTOOL), and couldn't get hold of some people to get prices on another contract. The whole while, I swear I was thinking of how I would just love to quit early, and go spend some time with her in the park. At lunch, I went to buy a new screwgun, and on the way out of Home Depot, caught the heavenly smell of the hotdog/sausage vendor. And that too, made me sad. (Once a month we would take a drive on a sunday and find a hotdog vendor.) Okay, so its not a HORRIBLE day, just grey, despite the glaring sun. I couldn't get her out of my mind. Before I went back to the job site, I stopped at my house, to let my dog out. I wasn't there more than 10 minutes when the phone rang. It was her. She said that she had been thinking of me all morning. That she had a feeling that I wasn't feeling right. And wanted to make sure things here were okay. Well, I didn't exactly tell her the truth. I told her everything was fine. Job was going great, and I was enjoying the day however I did confess that i thought of her often. Its funny how we can feel those things. I have a few friends, best friends I've known more than 20 years and dont have that type of connection with. And to me, it is one of the reasons why I feel that I should fight for what I believe in. Because its more than phsyical. More than a friendship. More than just emotions and habit. Its something I cant explain, just something that IS. Thanks for listening.

And just to add something else here.. I DO believe everything happens for a reason. But it is up to us individually to try to find understanding and meaning in WHY things happen. I think those who ignore the questions are leading themselves blindly in (dare I say) ignorance in that they are traveling a pre determined path. I dont mean to offend anyone by that. I personaly cant fathom the idea that I am a pawn in life. That my direction is determined by somone/something else other than me. I am the chess player. I will play the game, learn from mistakes, take note of success and hopefully, (fingers crossed) come out on top. If the winner has already been decided... why bother playing??

Do I believe in fate? No. Why? Because as NEO put it, (excuse the lame Matrix reference) Id like to think Im in control of my own destiny. In other words, the decisions we make definitely do change the direction of our lives, and shape our future. Like an artist's work in progress. Now I know others would argue that those decisions that we have made and are going to make, are pre-deterimined by 'fate'. This isn't a philosophy thread though, so lets not get too involved In my opinion, if we dont take responsibility for our actions, past/present, good/bad and simply label them as things that happened because they were meant to.. takes any and all deeper meaning out of the consequences. Why analyze or even question anything then? In the context of relationships, and the much debated question of is he/she the ONE? Well, all I have to say is NO. Only NEO is the one!!! But seriously, I believe that we are able to love deeply for many people. There cant be just ONE person that will peak our emotions. True love CAN happen more than once. I've been there. And though at this moment, I feel as though Ive never loved anyone as much as I do now, I remember feeling the same way 5 years ago with another woman. It is silly to compare the two, because they are separate people, at a different time in my life, and I am even a different person than what I was. As sad as it makes me feel, If the woman I love more than life right now, becomes more distant and fades away from me, I am confident, that some time, I will love again.

Yeah, seriously, I understand that you are hurt, but you MUST see how shallow that is of him. Be a bigger person. Go to school with your chin up.. Instead of portraying an image of a broken girl who lost something, try to realize that you are better off, and that you gained something. An understanding that this guy is plain and simply, not good enough for you.

Very interesting email to say the least. I would have to say that most people in our situation would give anything to receive a letter like that from our former partners.. And in most cases, with haste we would jump back into their arms. Be careful. The ball is in your court.

Hmm. That is a tough question. When I hear it my heart screams answers that conflict with what my head says. Hope is a scary word. I guess, a safe answer would be that I HOPE that both her and I are able and willing to learn from what brought us to where we stand today. And with that, move forward and build stronger foundations and better understanding for what it is to 'love'. Now that being said, and so obvioiusly wrapped in 'politically correctness', my instinct, my heart and even my mind at its most logical tell me that her and I came to be, more for just a 'learning experience'. It seems obvious, even to those outside the situation, that there is something more between us. Exactly what that is remains to be seen I guess. Lifelong friendship? Or perhaps it is nothing more than just two people with massive hearts caring more for eachother than we should.. My hopes say a lifelong partnership. A connection that combines friendship, romance, intimacy and spirituality. But I am keeping those hopes on a short leash. Perhaps for fear that they would run away, and never come back.

Hello everyone. Another update for those of you familiar with my story. It seems its always a phonecall from her that stirs my emotions.. I think more so, the unexpected ones. We do still talk to eachother. Once every few days, she will call, and I am expecting it, because she'll let me know when she will be calling next. Its good and bad. Good because there is no uncertainty of knowing wether or not I will speak to her again. For some reason, knowing that we will talk, soothes me. On the other hand, leading up to the expected phonecall seems to build my anxiety. I get nervous, and scared. But that usually disappears the moment I hear her say hello. But what really gets me, are the unexpected calls. Since i last updated, I got a contract to finish a basement. Yay! My first attempt at getting back to work since we broke up back on January 2nd. I am happy to say that I was suprisingly excited about getting back to it. A change of pace is something that I needed. When I told her, she too was very happy for me. We spoke on Tuesday, and I had scheduled the job to start on Friday. So Friday morning started as most any other typical work day. Take the dog out, make a coffee, catch up on who won what in the world of sports the night before.... when the phone rang. I was startled at first. It was 6:30 am. So I answered, and it was her. She said that she wanted to catch me before I left for work. That she knew I was starting a job, wanted to wish me luck and to know that she was thinking about me, and is happy that I am starting to get back on my feet. I dont know how you would have taken this, but it floored me. It always does. In a bittersweet way. Actions speak louder than words right? Well, it is the things like this that make me believe that she still cares a great deal about me. But those same thoughts lead to tiny doses of unnecessary hope.... and I KNOW that isn't a good thing. So what am I left with at the end? Well all I can tell you is how my day went. I left for work with a massive smile on my face. I had a VERY productive day, and think that this job may lead to many more if I so choose. After a hard days work, I came home satisfied. The job is going smoothly, and I felt good. But the first thing I wanted to do, was see her. Talk to her. Tell her how everything went. I wanted to hold her, kiss her and laugh with her. I still miss her so much. And no matter how good things seem.. they just dont seem good enough, unless I can share it with her. Trying to keep a smile on.. JP

Wow. Thank you all so very much for your replies. Its funny how things work. I was having a pretty good day, until I re-read my post from last night. Strange how 24 hours can make one feel like two different people. You are all correct. In no way do I want her pitty. She knows that. Nor do I want to have her concerned about me out of habit or guilt. I do believe she does genuinely care about me. Which makes it even harder. She does cry too. Yes, I do need to get back to work, if only for the fact that it will, in some capacity take my mind off of the situation. I know it wont magically make my hurt go away, but a crutch that maybe I need to lean on. That being said, I am going to look at a contract tomorrow afternoon. Something small, but a start. As for hobbies/interests. I have hockey. (Friscodj, my leg injury has healed!! Yay.) So Ive been doing my best to become more involved in that. In fact, i've joined two leagues, and have interest expressed from other teams needing a goaltender. A boost to my broken confidence albeit a small one.. So I leave you guys tonight, with I suppose a glimmer of hope. Pricing some work out, spending a little more time with friends, and absolutely enjoying my involvment in hockey... But still very much in love. JP

Hello everyone. Its been about a week since I last posted on my situation. There is not much of any 'action' to report on between me and the former girlfriend. Its been nearly two and a half months since it ended. 4 weeks since we last saw eachother. We do still talk on what I guess you could say is a semi regular basis.... every couple days or so. Last we talked was Friday. She called to see how I was doing. It seems that she doesn't call to merely 'chat'. The conversation always begins with her concern for how things are going for me... emotionally. I suppose it isn't without warrant. Since we've broken up, I haven't been back to work. Yup. 2 and a half months of trying to figure out a direction. I mean, financially I am okay. (Although I dont think I can continue this way for much longer.) And its not as though I have locked myself here in my sorrow. I have been getting out. Trying to make an effort.. little by little to start moving again. Last Saturday, I went out with a couple of close friends to a pub, had a few drinks and REALLY enjoyed myself. I will admit, refreshing at the very least. But I still do, have moments, where I just break down. Without warning. And its beginning to frustrate me. It can happen at any time, and when it does, I end up feeling so drained. Will I ever become so emotionally drained, that I will lose my will to care for her? The way its going, is slow and agonizing. I have been in love before, but when that ended, it didn't feel anything like this. Even though I knew I loved her, I also knew that there was no other way.. But for some reason, now I feel as though I KNOW something else. I know that there is something between us that is more than a learning experience... a failed relationship. I feel it when I think of her, I see it in my dreams, I hear it when we talk. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my life. I am trying to remain strong, but slowely, I can feel it draining away. Even our dog seems to have a look of submission in his eyes. Thanks for listening. JP

Hello everyone. Its been a short while since my last post, so I thought I would catch you up on todays happenings. Last I left off, we had made plans to see eachother this week. She infact, made plans to take a bus and come see me. Now, if you aren't familiar with my situation, this is a pretty big deal. She doesn't have a car so she hasn't been able to travel to see me in quite a while. Anyhow, the plans were that she would come up around noon today, spend the afternoon with Parker and I (our dog) then head home. I decided since this was a special occasion, that I would do something special for it. So, I prepared a really nice Venison roast, bought some of our favourite snacks, and picked up a bottle of wine. Now I know this wasn't necessary, but generally when we spend time together, these are the things we enjoy. Besides, a healthy home cooked meal is something I havent had for myself in quite some time. She called at about 11:00 am, telling me that she was leaving shortly. Apparently she was able to borow her sisters car, so she didn't have to use the bus. Great! (I've never been a fan of having her ride a bus long distances, when I am more than happy to drive and pick her up.) So the morning looked good. Then, at about 11:30, another phonecall. She was on her cellphone, calling me from the road. When I heard her speak, I could hear the disappointment in her voice. Apparently, her sister called and needed her car back right away. Thus, we wouldn't be seeing eachother. She started crying, and apologizing. She said she felt horrible and sad that she couldn't see us, and that she hated to disappoint me. Of course, it hurt. It hurt like hell. I had fought through the anxiety of seeing her, and was very excited to be able to spend this time with her. You know, dancing around the apartment with the music turned up... Stupid silly stuff. But as much as it hurt, I tryed my best to handle it well... I reassured her that everything was fine. That things like this happen, and although I'm disappointed that we couldn't see eachother, in no way was I disappointed in her. So after we talked a little, she calmed down, thanked me for understanding, and we ended the conversation. When I hung up the phone, I cryed... I miss her so much. But best to not be a blithering emotional fool infront of her right? She wasn't aware of the dinner I had prepared, and I figured its best that I not tell her at all. I dont want to feel any worse, or even guilty because of circumstances we canot help. So, I ate alone. I took Parker out for a long walk.... alone. All the time thinking of her. Wishing she was there. Not long after I got home from the walk, she called again. Still sad, she thanked me. For being so understanding. She said she misses us so much. I believe her.. So at the end of the day, this is where I am left. I am sad that we couldn't spend time together. I miss her smile. I still care for her so much. I still love her. Of course, that is no surprise.. There is no doubt I will love her for a long time. And in some ways, there will always be a spot for her in my heart. Thanks for listening.

Friscodj.. This is so awesome to hear. Its great that you are feeling that spark for another woman!! It makes me think. Im so afraid to hold on to hope, when what I should really be doing is hoping my heart out. So I shall. I will hold on to the hope that tomorrow, something better WILL come my way. In what shape or form? Who knows.. but it's out there. And about her love of chocolate.. did you find out what type exactly? Plain milk chocolate? Dark chocolate? Or anything made of chocolate?? Depending on the plans for the next date, why not go all out and bake some brownies? I dunno.. just a thought.

Hi teacup. I know exactly what you mean, and how you feel. Ive felt so low, driven myself crazy needlessly going over and over the 'what ifs' of my life. The reason I say needlessly, is because lately, I have tried to take a different perspective on these life events that have made me regret.. You see, the thing is, that all we do, everything we are today, has been shaped by every past decision (conscious or otherwise). Well, now I've gone and stated the obvious. We need to come to terms with this, and look at it from another perspective. Every WONDERFUL experience, feeling, person that has come into and played even a tiny roll in my life is because of those same decisions. And even if those good things are sometimes overshadowed by the negatives, I absolutely would not do a thing that would take those good things away from me. For example, sure I'm not happy about MANY decisions I made in my life. I chose work over school, I made poor decisions in relationships that ended up in heartbreak.. so many things. But had I not taken that path, I may never had the opportunity share the love of such an amazing person as my ex. Sure, we aren't together anymore, and that hurts too, but simply being blessed with that time with her, is worth so much more than than any regret. There is nothing we can do about the past. Trying to accept who we are and how we feel today is sometimes so hard. But here we are. Lets look forward.

Hey Frisc.. Well, Im not a girl, but like you Im the hopeless romantic/tragic comic type. A gesture like that is always a good thing. The act of giving her a rose is a sentiment that speaks volumes about your character. Have you thought about maybe something other than a rose? I dunno, maybe its just me, but a single red rose although a great gesture, seems a little common.. I dont know it thats the right word.. Why not try something different.. Something that promotes your uniqueness... Whats YOUR favorite flower? Not sure if i'm making sense, but can you see what i'm getting at? JP

Absolutely not. It could just be some of his friends playin a prank. Do you have any reason not to trust him? If you are concerned, approach him and ask him, but do it with tact. Dont 'implicate' him, or suggest that he is guilty of anything before you get the facts. Doing so will only lead to trust issues.

Hello, and welcome back to my saga.. She called tonight. I hadn't heard from her in a couple days, as she has been very busy with midterms. Anyways, I answered the phone, and I could immediately tell that she was upset. She was trying to be calm, but only a few words into our conversation, I could tell that she was crying. As much as it hurts that we aren't together, it hurts more to hear her cry. I just cant stand it. She wrote two midterms today, and was feeling down about them. She studied really hard, and was prepared for them, did well on the first, but had a hard time with the second. Even though she was ready, she just had some sort of lapse, and struggled through it. So needless to say, she is stressed, and not feeling very well about herself. So I calmed her down, and told her that everything will be okay. She is putting all her effort into school, and doing very well. One or two setbacks will happen, but wont be the end all of her life. She is risilient, strong, and capable of bouncing back. I told her that its okay to be a little disappointd, because she CAN do better, however, she needs to put it in perspective, and consider it not as a failure, but as a challenge. She is trying her hardest, giving it her all, and THAT is the main thing. I told her that I am proud of her for sticking through this, and that she should be proud of herself. So the conversation ended up being a good one. We had a couple laughs, some small talk, and then she said she was looking forward to seeing me next week. (She plans on visting me, so I'm gonna cook a meal). Im sure most of you have the same preconceptions that she is using me. That I am being her doormat.. Truth is, after conversations like this, I feel better... ME. I dont know why exactly. Perhaps in a way its a confirmation of how well we work together. Sure, we aren't together, and this thought is supposed to make me feel worse, but it doesn't. When she needs strength, she turns to me. Not her sister, or her parents... me. I see her vulnerable side. (As well as the happy, playful side).. but for some reason, I am content, that she can still find comfort with me. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe im dillusional.. Ive chosen to hang on.

Wow, I have so many songs that i listen to.. but the ones that I find myself powerless against are, Good Morning Baby - Bic Runga Broken - Seether featuring Amy Lee Wake me up when September ends - Green day Wonderful - Stone Temple Pilots (Family Values Tour acoustic version) Photograph - Nickleback Wake me up inside - Evanescence All the small things - Blink 182 Thank you for loving me - Bon Jovi The Bon Jovi song, I had picked to be the song that she and I would have danced to at our wedding.. God Im miserable

Hello again. Its been several days since my last post. Ive been feeling somewhat better this week, minus a few downs... but overall, i have been doing well. So, Im riding it out. Maintaining contact, though limited. What I mean is that I havent been initiating the contact. And on a couple occasions, when she has tryed to contact, I turned a blind eye, and just let it go. Since she's been going to school in another city, we have turned to MSN for most of our contact. I set up our computers so that we could have video conferences.. to hopefully make things easier. Well the other morning, she sent me an email. This is so VERY unusual for her. First off, when I sent her emails, she rarely responded. Its always been like that, and quite honestly never really bugged me. She preferred to talk via phone, msn or in person. So I was a little shocked to see an email from her. There was nothing special about it.. she was writing to say hi. She was at the library before a midterm and was thinking of me... So later that night she called. I answered and the conversation was nice, but different... different than they've been lately anyhow. She was very energetic, very playful. It was so wonderful to hear, but at the same time confused me a little. She asked if I was surprised to receive an email from her, to which I said yes. She told me she sent it partly because she was thinking of me, and partly because she wants to work on communicating better with me.... You know, I just dont get it. I dont understand why. Sure, this is a positive thing... her wanting to improve on her communication. But why now. Why after we have split up. So confusing. Needless to say that conversation left me a tad more confused. The next day, she signed into MSN in the afternoon. I was sitting at the computer when she did, but I ignored it. She didn't know wether I was home or not, but she only signs in when she wants to talk. Im not quite sure why I ignored her, but I just did. I guess not wanting to initiate contact had something to do with it. If she had sent me a message, I would have answered.. So for two hours, she remained online. I was going about my business when she called again. I answered, and again the conversation was a good one. She, very playful, happy. But I found that I was reserved.. more than normal. She sensed it and asked if I was okay, which I was... just I felt.. i dunno.. distant. Almost as though I was a third person listening in on this conversation... After that conversation, I started to think. Am I starting to put up walls with her? I really dont want to, but is it inevitable that I will start to guard myself? We have always been great conversationalists. First and formost, our friendship was astounding. Ive always felt so comfortable with her, around her, even talking with her. And now.. Im starting to withdrawl. Now, I dont want to be fake with her. Pretend that Im happy, when infact I'm not. And thus far, I havent been. But I dont want to be down, distant, quiet when we talk either. Id love to be happy and confident enough to contribute to our conversations like I know I can.. I guess part of this moving on, has had a pretty big effect on my confidence... Im not really asking anything, I just more or less needed to write this stuff down, in hopes that I can reflect back on it, and maybe learn something. Most likely though, I'm overanalyzing things, and sounding like a rambling fool. If thats the case, forgive me. I havent slept in two days.