Jjasonn28

Ok so this is a first for me, but whatever. I had a spontaneous urge to write, and though ive never shared this kind of stuff before, with anyone, I figure why not? Why not just share this drivel with the world go gentle.. I have sacrificed Stood tall Still, made to feel so small Picked you up, wiped away your tears Had your back When you faced fears But what does it mean Now that we are apart Pushed away, a forced new start All my love - a failure still Drained of life, of love Of will So now I will run away from fears Haunting thoughts Of the past four years. Find a hole where I can hide This tear drenched journey I will ride With fantasy's of your saving grace I'll wither here Without a face.

You know, this is where the majority of my confusion stems from. Im not 100% sure. The closest I have come to a reason, is this. She has had a rough past with relationships. Family and otherwise. She has always been shrouded in fear of being hurt, used, taken advantage of... I guess recently, she had a 'self discovery'. She found the confidence to break away from the past, and move forward. Unfortuneately, although I am not directly related to those negative experiences, she somehow still sees me as being tied to that past. Now I'm sure there is more to it than this. But like I said, its the only thing that I can for sure say is at least a 'part' of why we aren't together. Those were the words from her mouth the day we walked away. Yup, still love her. And I know, she still loves me. Victims of circumstance? Wrong timing? Who knows. I refuse to beg and plead and try to force answers from her. But I also refuse to walk away. Thats why we are where we are. Yes, eventualy one day either we'll run out of gas, find different airports to land at, or land together.. Who knows. I guess for now i'll continue circling, and do my best to fight the turbulance. JP

Hey everyone! Thanks for all your replies! Wow, its so nice to have the support of so many people. Realizing last night, what I was doing to myself was sort of a slap in the face, a tiny wake up call if you will. Since the beginning of the end, ive been trying my best to be conscious of all the negative reactions, emotions and actions that are expected to come with this healing. Sometimes, I feel really good, and others, I just get so lost... It comes in waves Nothing is more true. And this morning is another example of that. Its such a beautiful day outside, and I am feeling pretty good. As for my leg, thats another story. Im positive I didn't pull a muscle, I think its deeper than that.. not a break or anything, but possibly a tendon. If by monday it still hurts this much, I'll see a doctor. And on a side note, she called this morning. Woke me up as a little joke, and asked why I wasn't on my way yet... She knows that when I'm in the early stages of the morning, Im just lost. (I'm NOT a morning person.) So for a few seconds, I thought that maybe I forgot that I was supposed to see her. Its something she used to do to me in fun. And despite everything, I had a little laugh with her. Her main reason for calling, was that she was thinking of me last night and 'just wanted to hear my voice'. Midterms are upon her, and she is beginning to stress. So, far from bottom. I can't be sure, but Im hoping that Im headed in the right direction. I'll tell you though, I am far from being over her. So a part of me is scared, and trying to be prepared for a few more falls. Thanks for all the support guys. Im gonna have a great day today. JP

Hey all. I was pretty sure, on several occasions that I had hit rock botom. Convincing myself, it can only get better... then WHAM I fall further. Today is another. This hole im in, just seems to be getting deeper. For a few days, ive smiled. Ive felt a little confidence creep back, and started looking forward to waking up again. But tonight, the light above, got further away. The evening started out well. Ive been playing hockey friday nights, and its been so fun. Like a session of therapy really. I look forward to it every week, because its one of the only things right now that makes me just foget. Well, tonight I was injured. I am a goalie, and Im not exactly sure what I did yet, but I am in extreme pain... I twisted my leg the wrong way, and now it hurts to lift it, move it, twist it.. But anyways, driving home, I began to think. (I know, NOT GOOD). I am going home, in agony, to nothing. I will be in pain, and no one will be there to try to make me feel better. I then started to think back to when the former gf and I were still together, and the times that we had taken care of eachother when we were sick, or injured.. (We went through a scare that she might have had MS) But thats another story. So here I am, driving my truck down the wintery road, with hockey gear in the back, crying like a baby. I felt SO bad for myself. But then for some reason, I stopped, and realized my situation. Self pity. God I'm so disgusted with myself. Before I met her, I ALWAYS delt with physical pain like a 'man'. You know, stubbornly deny any pain, make it worse and move on. During our relationship, she showed me, and I learned to show genuine compassion for eachother. Yeah she softened me up I guess, but I am so very thankful for it... So could THIS be rock bottom? I realize that self pity is probably a normal feeling when dealing with brake ups, but I caught myself. I realized that I was doing it, and I had to tell myself, 'gawwd shaaaaddduuup!!' Please let this be the bottom... I dont want to hurt anymore, I dont want to cry. I want to be confident in tomorrow, and look forward to the next step. thanks for listenin. JP

Hey nat.. Assuming you are now in Canada... Welcome home!! I hope you get a chance to breathe deeply relax, and enjoy your visit. Congrats on passing your exam. Keep smiling, keep your chin up, and good things WILL happen.

So then keep in mind that winning the Super Bowl will be THAT MUCH sweeter. Ask Jerome Bettis He'll tell ya! JP

Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. And quite honestly, I think that may be the only way to resolve this situation. Not to beg or plead day by day, but to just continue supporting her while at the same time giving her space and doing my best to find direction in my own life. I realize that this may be the more 'difficult road'... but arent the obstacles, bumps, curves and traffic what makes us better drivers? jp

Hello all. Well, yesterday we had that visit. A GREAT day... And today she called me again. I had an appointment out of town with a company in which I may get a contract for about 2 months work. Its a growing company, and if things go well, could POSSIBLY lead into something bigger long term.. Anyhow, she knew about this meetin, (we spoke about it at breakfast). Today when I got home, I had an msn message waiting from, wishing me luck. That was nice to see. Then about an hour later, she called. She was very Upbeat, and enthusiastic about my day. I will admit it was very nice to hear the excitement in her voice. But having had the time to think about it a little more, it ONCE AGAIN confuses me. Dont get me wrong, Im not sad today. Infact I seemed to have carried the feelings of yesterday right through today. (What a relief) But what confuses me is her interest in this part of my life. Hmm, no, not just this part of my life, her enthusiasm and interest in my life period. Okay, I know she cares for me still. I didn't realize it at the time, but when we were talking, I was so lost in the moment. As if we were still together. We talked laughed and I didn't remember, that we are 'formers'. She still calls me Babe, and Hun. (Which I dont mind, becuase thats been my name really for 3 1/2 years so I'll just chalk that one up to habit. Deep down, I just feel as though she isn't completely sure of her decision. But how do I try to be conscious of that and not let the false hope get to me? Bah. Too many things going through my mind right now. I'll sleep on it, and maybe will be thinking a little clearer tomorrow. Oh, and just thought i'd mention this.. I had chinese for dinner tonight, (from the restaurant we consider 'ours') and got this, from a fortune cookie... 'Your Dearest Wish Will come True' And instead of making me feel worse, I smiled. Probably cause I'm still on the happy high of seeing her yesterday Life is so unpredictable isn't it?

Hey hey.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAN! Yeah, I know what you mean. The smallest gestures when we arent expecting them can provoke such STRONG emotions. Did you message her back? Or just let it go and frantically try to get your much needed dose of eNotAlone?

Simply INSPIRING I am so glad I found this site.

Wow Spunky.. your reaction to Friscodj's post makes me feel great too. Like he said, it IS flooring... hehe, for a brief moment, I had visions that you were my former GF... except, I didn't get an email... Oh well, guess that 'hope' I hold on to is bigger than I thought.. You know whats funny though, I had chinese for dinner, and this is what my fortune cookie said, "Your Dearest Wish Will Come True" I think I may tuck this one under my pillow tonight.

Interesting.. Hey Friscodj. Wow. So much emotion in what you wrote. Doesn't it feel good to just let it all out? A lot of what you written, I too can identify with. The frustration of giving yourself absolutely, and getting hurt by it.. Man, I hope you are doin okay. When dwelling in ones own hurt, its easy to forget that there are others that feel the pain too. Im not familiar with your story and how or what you went through... You say she isn't the one for you, and still you admit your love for her. That in itself reafirms a little, my belief in love. JP

Hi guys! Thanks for the replies again. Friscodj I think I understand your concern, and its validity. However, to suggest 'she is the source of my happyness' is a term that in its simplicity is (for lack of better words) stark... What I mean is, the state of my happyness isn't solely a direct result of her and her actions. Im not denying that sharing in eachothers lives through love brings me happyness, there is just more to it then a 'love high'. I love her, maybe more importantly I love loving her. And the driving force behind that is my desire to see her happy. To share in the happyness, sadness ups and downs that the journey of life holds. Her smile lifts my spirit, her laugh brings life to life. And when she is sad, and I see her tears, or hear her cry, I want to open my heart, and love her more. But none of this matters yes, because of the issues that lead to us being where are today. And like ive pined over before reasons which I dont fully understand. There is some of the obvioius stuff.... lack of communication. So many times, when I was sad because I hadn't seen her in a week or two, I would put on a face, and try to be strong, or pretend to be. But there has to be more.. more that I dont yet see, or understand. But for now, day by day. And today, I am smiling! We do plan to see eachother more, so I guess I'll take it as it comes. Sending you both hosswhispra and friscodj my deepest gratitude for your continued support. You really have been there for me more than you may realize! And to the rest of you who may be sending me your wishes.. thank you so much!!! Talk to you all soon.. JP

Hi guys. I just got back from the visit. Again, all last night I couldn't sleep. I dont understand why I get so nervous now. I was up until 4:00 am... (but at least I was able to get some Laundry done) Parker and I met her at her house this morning. She came outside and gave me a huge hug. It was a little unexpected... but so very welcome. After a little playtime with Parker, we went out for breakfast. Breakfast was great again. It has always sort of been our 'thing'. We would always try new places... the act of having breakfast and finding these places became an activity that we both looked forward to, and loved to do very much. The fact that we both love food, (especialy breakfast) made it that much more fun. (She is a great chef. And I dont mean cook lol, she trained in England France and Canada.) Anyhow, the food was great, the conversation was great. We had some good laughs, and it was SO nice to be able to share that with her. I briefly thought about bringing up some of the questions that yesterday I wanted answered, but today, I didn't care. I was happy, and still am. Afterwards, we went back to her house, and played in the snow in the back yard. Its so funny watching her and Parker play. Like two five year olds in a winter wonderland. We then went inside, sat on the couch, and just talked for a while. She said that she would like to come visit me next. (She doesn't drive as she sold her car to go back to school). She doesn't think its fair that I am the one who has had to always drive to her. I reassured her that it is by no means a chore.. but she insisted.. That struck me as a little odd. That she would want to come here, to visit me.. I think mostly because in the last year, she has been here only three of four times... but meh, whatever. She again, gave me another big hug on the couch, catching me by surprise. I asked what that was for, and she just smiled and said because I wanted to hug you.. So, after a little more conversation, she grabbed her books, and I dropped her off at school. We parted with smiles, and for the first time, in a very long time, my heart didn't ache saying goodbye.. Is it odd that Im not upset by any of this? Should I be? I would have thought that given the way I've been feeling the last couple days, that I would have been emotionally unstable around her. But I REALLY did enjoy myself, and was comfortable with her. Its almost as though it was a sort of 'therapy' for me. I am all smiles today, and have a spring in my step. God I love her. Experiences like today, will make it VERY hard to cut contact, if I end up going that route... Synopsis: I had and am continuing to have a GREAT day. Walking tall, chin up. The only negative thing I suppose, is that Im now confused about how I SHOULD be feeling.. When the signs point to a breakdown, and I prepare myself for the worst... I have a day like this.. Just confuses me a little more. But I'll not dwell on that right now. For now, I can smile. JP

Yeah, one step at a time right? I guess first thing first. See how this visit goes. You know... with all my effort to be conscious of not letting hope get the better of me, and recognizing false hope for just what it is.. there is a small part of me that still does hope. I guess if I had absolute zero hope, then I wouldn't be hurting so much... Bottom line is I love her. And was prepared to spend the rest of my life with her. Letting go of all hope will definitely take time.

Believe me, I am struggling with this. I realize, that continuing the way we are, I will be subject to a more drawn out pain. On the other hand, cutting her from my life although will undoubtably hurt me more now, I may heal, and move on sooner. And for the moment, being in touch seems like the better choice, only because I cant image the pain of losing her completely. I would love to work on the issues that caused the break-up.... but the problem is, I dont really know what they are. Which is why I am more confused and lost. I cant find understanding, or reason... and its torturing me. The last thing she said to me as a couple was, 'maybe we need to face the possibility that we just arent right for eachother'. I have asked some of the questions. What went wrong? What did I do? Or maybe more importantly, what did I NOT do? And the answers I get are far from what I need to learn any sort of lesson... Okay, so she doesn't love me like the way she used to. But why? And if not, why is SHE also having such a hard time with this? Since the break up, she's called about 4 times very early in the morning, crying because it is hard for her. She has said things like, 'we will always have eachother'.. I guess my point is that I am having such a hard time with all of this, because I just dont understand it. If I cut her out of my life now, will I forever wonder? Will being apart of her life lead to understanding? I just dont know.

Im not gonna deny this one bit. On the whole, I am miserable. To be expected I suppose. I mean, its only been 6 weeks since we've been apart, and I am aware this is still very early in the healing process. I know that the first step, should be to better myself. But I still cant find the motivation.. I do have a few things that 'take me away' but at the moment, thats all it is - an escape. I am trying my hardest to be positive, and confident and if my posts are misleading in that I am making progress, I apologize. And you know, ive thought the same thing, about how she would feel if I was gone, physicaly and emotionaly.. to put some distance between us. But then I think about how I would feel, without having her in the same capacity, and the thought is torture. Its so complicated. I really do, sometimes wish that I had reason to resent her. Some thing that would make 'moving on' the easy choice. But that thought, makes me sad too. I am lucky to have been able to share a part of my life with her. Anyways. Thanks, everyone for your posts and support. As always I will keep you updated on how the visit goes. JP

Two hours ago, I was smiling. Two hours ago I felt a glimmer of confidence. Two hours ago I had an open compassionate conversation with the former.. We miss eachother. We do have love for eachother. We both, are having a hard time being apart, and understanding it fully. We plan on seeing eachother this week, and are really looking forward to it. So why is it, two hours later, I lay on the couch, and cry? We understand eachother. We care so much for eachother yet we are parting ways. I am filled with feelings of self doubt. I lay here, and wonder what it is, that makes me inferior. Why am I not good enough? I know I am far from perfect, but my love has always been true and unconditional with only pure intentions. I would do anything, to keep her smiling. She's not perfect either, but the way she's made, makes me so sure that she's perfect for me. How does it happen. It seems like yesterday, we were so excited to be around eachother. NOTHING else mattered. Through troubling times, at the end of the day, we had eachother. So I'm supposed to learn something from this.. but I cant find the lesson. The only thing that sticks out at the moment, is to not allow myself to be vulnerable. To always keep my guard up. And I know, that is wrong. So what then? Do I need to seek some sort of definate answer? An answer of some sort that maybe im not prepared to hear? We dont want to lose eachother for good. And that I guess, brings me a little peace. But will not being eachothers all, not being partners.. ever be enough? I miss her so much. I miss the person I was, when we were right. Im a stranger to myself.

She called this evening. It was good to hear her voice. She was a little nervous this time though. Apparently she received some feedback from her family about that email that she sent them by mistake. They were very concerned that she was conveying the wrong message to me. This is understandable. In any other case I would assume the same. But I told her not to be nervous, or worried. Her family just hasn't ever seen that side of her. They got her worried that it was a bad idea to send me that email. I assured her that in most cases, yes, it would be a 'lead on' or giving false hope. But I am remaining conscious of those things, and that her email made me happy, not because of false hope, but because being able to share that compassion with her still, and being a part of eachothers lives is positive. Its positive in that we both know eachother so well, and care for eachother beyond the bind of a typical relationship. There is no doubt that we are connected. And though it is hard, and will continue to be hard, and hurt both of us, that connection is too important, and powerful to let go of. I admitted to her that I am scared. Scared of becoming distant from her, to the point where I am uncomfortable being me, and find it awkward talking our truth's. It hurts so much to think that we will never love the way we loved before.. but hurts even more to envision a world without her. She then said that no matter what happens, because of that bond, we can always share that closeness, and that we will always have eachother. Is it naive of me to think that we will always remain close? Many many people think so. But I believe it. There is just something MORE than a past relationship between us. We will be seeing eachother this week. Meet for breakfast, take parker out for a long run, and see some pictures from her trip. I am not nervous. I am looking forward to it. Nothing makes my day quite like seeing her smile. We miss eachother, admitidly, and could both use a great big hug. I'll let you know how it goes.

3 and 1/2 year relationship... healing (if you can call it that) for just over a month now.. I haven't gotten to the point of NC... however I do not initiate contact. Relationship ended on good terms, i suppose.. no resentment, anger.. Just the pain of lost love. So in a way, not having reason to be angry, just leaves me more confused and hurt. I am trying to do things for myself, (Playing hockey, taking some time off work) and it is helping a little. But I expect the pain isn't going away any time soon. Its funny, in a way we are kind of helping eachother through this tough time. Its hard on both of us. Somewhat of a tragedy if you ask me. The love we have for eachother makes it hard to move on. Sometimes I just dont get it. It gets better right?

Thanks again Hosswhispra. I know you are right. I need to keep doing these things for ME. And since I enjoy them so much, Im not planning on giving up on them at all. Ice fishing really isn't my 'thing' but more or less I just went to hang out with some friends. (I'd rather be Bass fishing in the fall...) Anyhow, Hockey tonight was great. Its almost like my escape. I really wish I could play more.... Hmm, I think maybe I should look into it a little further. As for my situation with the former... she called again this afternoon. She had a lot to say about her trip. She enjoyed her time, but cant see herself doing something like that again anytime soon. She asked if I had gotten the email me she sent me. Which I didn't. Apparently, she wrote me an email, and sent it to everyone on her contact list (by mistake). Everyone but me that is. So she sent me a copy of it tonight... I really am trying my best not to hang on to hope, and not to read into things that she says, or the way that she acts. But this email for some reason made me feel different. I am trying my best to dismiss it as 'just conversation'. But it is so very hard.. Perhaps I am breaking a rule by posting personal messages, but I feel I need to share what she said, to get opinions. I KNOW, I KNOW... let it go right? I really am trying. Sometimes I wish I could just stop loving, or that she would give me a reason to resent her.... but she is not like that.. and I DO love her... anyway.. here is the email she sent... Hi Babe! Thanks for the email, and the forwarded attatchment. I don't normally like forwarded messages but that on was very good! I am leaving today, yesterday I went on this Catamaran tour that was breathtaking -- it has been very nice here but I am ready to get back to life. I realized that this was the first true vacation I have ever been on.... where the only reason to be here is to relax, not to do things and see things, but to relax. I have a lot to share with you babe. It is weird.. but down here I feel so isolated and removed from things, I know that is the point but still I feel strange. We can talk later. I will call you tomorrow when I wake up. Thinking about you! Lots of kisses to Parker and a great big hug to you!!! Now that I read this over, perhaps I am over reacting to the whole thing. More than likely actually. It is common I suppose that I overanalyze everything. But at least Im trying to be conscioius of avoiding the trap of hope.. thats a good thing right? Well, I'll leave it at this for tonight. Oh.. when she called, she also asked if we could see eachother soon. She asked twice, but I didn't set anything up. Kind of left things hanging. I want to drive down NOW, but I wont. I'll take the rest of the weekend to think. This is so hard. JP

Hello.. Well, she is back from her vacation. I received a phonecall from her this morning at 6:00 am. She had just gotten home from the airport, and wanted to call just to let me know. She had a great time... which I am relieved to hear. I had doubts that she could miss a week of school and not actually drive herself insane. But apparently she was able to relax, and enjoy her time. And as in her instant message she sent me last weekend, she said that she thought about me a lot, and really missed me... I dunno. For some reason, today that doesn't make me feel at all better. It doesn't make me feel down or anything either... sorta numb. Hmm. Maybe I'm becoming immune to the sentiment? More likely though, its just another of those bleh days. But good news is, I have hockey tonight!! JP

I sure hope so hosswhispra. It would be nice to believe in, or have some sort of faith in SOMETHING again.. She is coming home from her Vacation tomorrow. I'm not really sure when.. though most likely later in the evening. Im not expecting her to call, but I really want to hear her voice again. Man, I miss her so much. I had a rather quiet day today. I took Parker out for a long walk, and was reminded of when the three of us lived together. The snow on the ground, sunny sky, and very cool air just brought back those memories. Even the way the day seemed to smell, reminded me of her, and the times the three of us would spend our time walking in the parks. I wasn't sad. Just in one of those 'zones'... thinking of the past. So, no tears today. A few smiles even. I have this picture of us hanging on the wall, (im not ready to take it down yet). It was taken at a restaurant in Nova Scotia... We decided to drive there for a long weekend getaway, (23 hours one way) when we first met. Seeing the smile on our faces, and thinking about that weekend reminded me about the GREAT experiences and memories I am able to take from this. I CAN smile. Although lobster dinners, and Alexander Keiths will never be the same. JP