codaaurora

But I would like to say that I agree with DN that compromise and talking are the first thing you should always do first. I just am such a talker that I always assume that this is the first avenue that people take and are coming here after the talk and comprise didn't work for whatever reason. Follow DN's Advice first, mine second.

Taking a break is a good thing all the way around. It gives you both an opportunity to see what you have done wrong within the relationship. In your case it was giving up your "self" becoming too involved in his world or "our" world. This is the time that you need to reclaim who you are and what you want. Nothing is more attractive than someone who is confident within themself. This will also give you the opportunity to decide if this relationship is what's best for the both of you. You moved in together fairly quickly, without really getting to know each other on a more romantic, "mysterious" level. By moving in together so soon, you essentially lost your mystery for one another and began the daily drudgery of paying bills, cleaning house, hair messed, morning breath, and everything else mundane. You didn't get a chance to build your romantic sides together. This will lead to what you both need and are supposed to have, either together or apart.

They best way you can help him is by telling him that you really wish he would confide in you so that you can help him with everything that you can, however you respect his wishes, will abide by them and stand by him to help him in whatever way he will allow. That's the best that you can do. You can't force him to tell you something that he is not quite ready to talk about. Look at it this way....If your parents badger you and badger you to tell them something that you are emotionally hurting over, do you want to tell them? Don't you get angry and frustrated at them? I know I used to. But if they set back and were calm and let me know that they are there for me whatever I chose to do, I felt calm myself and would eventually come to tell them what my issues were. Sometimes just being a friend is all you can do.

Okay, the first question is.... Are you worried because you have had sexual relations with this person? If so, by law, if they have contracted the HIV virus, they have to inform prior and present lovers. If the person refuses, I would contact the Dept of Infectious Diseases and then get a blood test myself. If you're worried for the safety of your friend / ex, well, the only thing you can do is be there for him and let him know that you care no matter what. People have a tendency of feeling isolated and alone. Either way, you really cannot FORCE you friend to tell you anything if they choose not too.

That would be very admirable but hard, if she decides to date someone else while they are "begin friends" it might make things worse for him. Very true, however, if she is his friend first, their relationship never hit that "critical" part, she is not seeing anyone else, and she feels she is up (no pun intended sorry) to the task, I think that telling him that she will remain his friend and try to help him through this might be an incentive for him. Although, ultimately he is an adult and must make his own decisions about getting help or not getting help. Should she choose to start seeing someone else, she would need to decide if she could then still carry on a "true" friendship with the virgin.

There, you just answered your own question. This man is not only experiencing some serious emotional issues right now, but also dealing with a common problem among pot smoking men. Their lowered sex drive. Hate to tell you this, but this does require medical attention. He's probably going to need psychological help as well, as he seems to have built up a pretty healthy problem mentally because of his um....inabilities. I would be his friend and try to help him, but I would stick off of the sexual contact between the two of you and explain to him that you would like to be there with him like this, but think it would be healthier for HIM to wait until he feels comfortable enough to see a doctor. Tell him you'll stick by him as a friend during this.

I can tell you that I once dated someone, long ago, and called it off over the advice (bad advice too, but I didn't know it at the time) of some of his friends and mine. I cared for him very much, but just didn't know if I was in love with him. There were some other issues as well, he was younger than I was, I was a freshman in college and he a senior in HS, not much difference but enough to make it hard as we worked in different circles and situations. So, I broke it off after almost a year. I instantly regretted it but thought I was doing what was right for him. He went to Europe for the summer and then stayed there to go to art school for his first year of University. I spoke with him after that, but have never seen him since. I can tell you honestly, that looking back on it, the things that I broke up with him for I now realize as little, stupid things. We were happy together and I now realize that I was in love with him and I regret letting him go. I have thought about contacting him, alot actually. But never seem to get the nerve up to do it. He has his own life now and it's been so long that's he's probably married. Either way, I know that we are probably two very different people then we were back then. But yes, to answer you question, we do look at the good times. It's when we talk to the person, still so close with emotions (on our part as well as theirs) that the negative things come up. But in the silence, in the night, when we are alone with our thoughts, we remember the good times and wonder "What if?". Hope this helps.

Whatever decisions that he has made in his life about his own sexuality and how and when he wishes to explore it are his decisions. However, both of you know that friends with benefits isnt' really the right term in this situation. To continue to make out with someone who is obviously emotionally attached to you but dedicated enough to not follow through with his own needs/desires is wrong after a break up. It would be selfish of you and only hurt him/mess him up further. Do you really want to do that to him? Let him go, he'll hurt for a while, but then maybe he can find someone who has the same desires or needs that he has and you can too.

esboogie143, hon I feel your pain and your shame. I've been guilty of it myself. My ex, when we first broke up and were still living together, would go and check my emails and voicemails and texts and it drove me nuts but since I didn't have anything to hide, I let him (without him knowing). After we moved out and his lies began to me about certain things (things that I never asked about or wanted to know about - but knew he was lying when he would volunteer them) I decided to check HIS email and voicemail. I regretted it immediately and haven't done it since. The only good thing that came out of it was that I realized that I would just get angry over any little thing, no matter how innocent or not. Maybe she is really into him and he's not into her at all (stalker?), maybe she does call everyone by that name. Essentially what it comes down to is an assumption and you just let it make a.....well.......donkey out of yourself. I know how hard it is to let go. I know that you feel the need for justice. "If he's going to call me and keep in touch with me, he should atleast be friggin honest when he does" type feeling. But honestly, he doesn't have to. He doesn't have to be or behave in any fashion that he doesn't want to, no matter how wrong or right that behaviour is. What YOU have to do is be mature in the situation. You can't control him or the place in which you find yourself, BUT you can atleast control yourself and your reactions to him. If he is asking if it's possible for him to send you his taxes to forward to your accountant, I would say no. He's a big boy now and this is no longer your responsibilty. Just tell him you would prefer not to do that and leave it at that. You know, this is going to be so hard, but you really should use NC. PM me if you need anything!

This one is all too true. My ex and I had many different ideas of what was fun, but we both enjoyed video games. So, we got together and bought an XBOX that came with Halo and had a great time playing together!

Well, he just broke up with you yesterday so you need to give yourself a little credit and little time. You need to remember that a cut won't heal over night and neither will your feelings. Do what you can to distance yourself from him. Of course, if your in the same school together, you won't be able to help but see him sometimes, but you need to gather your strength, say hello and walk past as quickly as you can. Break down in the bathroom or after school or at home but not in front of him. I'm not saying that he won't be your friend or help you, but the more you break down with him, the more he will comfort you and the more this gives you a false little hope, whether you realize it or not. It's okay to have these feelings and cry like you do, but you need to have a time and place for them. Assert some control over yourself this way, when you feel yourself tearing up, tell yourself that you WILL not cry until.....(whenever) and then when you get to that point, you are ok to cry. Now you have some control over a life that feels like it's spinning out of control for you. Do you see? Soon, you'll start feeling better. No one really knows how long it takes to heal a broken heart. But I promise you, soon you will start feeling better. That's when you can try to be friends with him again. Until then, let him know that it's best for you both if you take some time away from him, from talking to him or seeing him. If he's truly your friend and cares about you, he'll understand.

I know you say that she doesn't want to get back together because she has a BF who is so good to her and that her life is going good, but let me tell you, from past experience.......that's wrong. The only time that I would EVEN consider contacting an ex is when things were going bad with a present BF or I knew I wanted/needed/had to be out of the present relationship and the prospect of being alone scared me. What's the first thing you do when your scared? You run to the one thing/place/person who comforts you the most. You need to decide, do you want to be her friend or her "comforter". If you were her friend you would question why she can't talk to her bf and suggest that she try doing this first. Ask if he knows she is contacting you. Find out what HER alterior motives are. Trust me, you'll feel better about the situation if you do it now instead of finding out later and getting hurt all over again, especially since a year is such a long time and you've had the opportunity to heal. Do you really want to let someone open that wound for you again? Just be careful ok?

I am so sorry to hear this, going through this myself, the exact same thing just without the illness or children, I can almost feel your exact pain. I too continued living in the same house with him for a couple of months until we could afford to move out on our own. It was hell watching him going out on dates, getting phone calls from other women, coming in in the wee hours of the morning. It killed me almost every day. That was back in November and I am doing so much better now. Let me share with you a letter that someone posted on this site when I first started coming here. It helped me so very much and I hope that it helps you too. "So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down. You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months. You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything. You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful). They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new. You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague. For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope." You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, pay your money because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t. You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive. Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did. Then you'll get serious about no contact. It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called. Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow). Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson. Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had. And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought. And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be. But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery. I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react. Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back. And the universe will take care of the rest."

I think this is the best possible answer I have ever seen! I'm going through something similar and you know what? While I love him and would LIKE to have a chance for a future, I'm really not so desperate about it anymore! I've decided that he needs to work for me and if he doesn't then he's not worth MY time. I'm tired of being his "Beck and Call" girl. Let him use his much younger girls for that. I got over that kind of stuff in my mid-twenties and to be honest, I'm tired of playing that game now. I wish you all the luck in the world and the best advice I can give to you? NO CONTACT!

Hey my sweet boys, thanks for the concern! I'm back! YAY. So here is the break down. I spoke with him Friday night and told him he could come over either that night (Nope, he had a date) or Saturday but that I was going to be running errands and for him to call me. He never did, not until Monday night. I sent you both the same PM as to what went down behind the scenes there. Essentially though, Friday night I stayed up late watching movies (Ever After, Jaws, Sweet Home Alabama - what can I say? I'm a freak). Then saturday I got up too late to take my car in so said "S*rew it" and went to take my pets to the vet for their nail clippings. Then went shopping with my bonus money and went INSANE in Walmart. I bought an all wood with doors cd case, an end table with a light attached, a fan, a starter fish tank and two gold fish and then went home and spent 5 happy hours trying to put that stuff all together. OH how you two would have laughed at me trying to put the hinges on the doors for that poor cd case!!! Sunday I was supposed to go to the Angels/Dodger game at Dodgers stadium but my friend woke up sick and so I wound up going out to eat and to the movies with a BOY (!!) and another couple. HEHE. Oh and don't see Sin City. Total let down. Good graphics, good cinematography, great actors, lots of gore and shooting (I like that when it's not gratuitious) but it was four stories in one and they did a horrible job intertwinning them. The only problem was that I was achy all day Sunday, I thought it was becuase I worked out and didn't stretch, but then Monday morning woke up with a fever of 103 and a sore throat which I never get because I had my tonsils out. So, I was out of work Monday and Tuesday and found out that I have that new strain of "Walking Pneumonia" that is resistant to meds, so they gave me a shot of steroids (to help me feel better) and here I am. So! Did ya'll miss me? hehe Ok, VHS - She is playing you a little bit here bud. She recongizes that she has some control back. Start NC again. Be pleasant, upbeat, jovial even, when talking to her but keep it brief and only when she calls and you are caught off guard. Otherwise, I would NC again. Keefy - You are doing well. I think you should REALLY pick up that book though. It will help you BIG time. Do it for me ok? It's called: How to Get Your Lover Back by Blase Harris, M.D.. Check it out ok? It really has helped me and it's not just all about getting your lover back, it's also about healing and moving on if need be. Hope you both are doing well. I'm looking forward to the weekend already.

I just thought I would let you all know, that after 5 days of NC, he called my phone and left me a message, telling me that he was driving by my work and if I looked outside I would probably see him. He then wanted to know when would be a good time/day to come by and see the pets!!! I'm not going to call him back until tomorrow morning probably. I want to call him tonight, but then again not. There have been times when he doesn't call me right back (although, truthfully they are very few). I have plans tomorrow morning and tomorrow afternoon and then am going to the Dodgers / Angel game on Sunday. What is your advice? Should I call him tonight? Should I wait until tomorrow morning? What should I do? He was joking and sounded so happy, like his old self.

I have a question for you....You said that she said that she "loved you again". She obviously had reasons for leaving you and this was not just some "I want to run out and see what else there is" situation. What my question is, is whether or not your still in love with her? I mean, you never really made mention to that. Any relationship has the possibilty of starting again, it's not a question as to whether or not it will, it's more, whether or not it SHOULD. This is what you need to ask yourself. Is she clean? Are her close friends clean? Is she supportive of you being clean? Are you both willing to just take it slow? Date? Get to know one another again? If so, then I would say....see what happens. But whatever you do, don't just jump right back into a relationship that wasn't working and never would have. Good Luck! PS: Whether you were doing drugs or not, you still felt emotions that all of us have been through. Don't worry, your def not alone in that boat.

Everyone takes their own amount of time to heal and grow. You will get there eventually, but in the meantime, you do need to own your pain. Make sure that you allow it to happen. If you repress it, it will just take longer for you to deal with the emotions that you need to have anyway.

I took this part out. I didn't like how it sounded, it gave her too much control.

sorry, stupid quote thing didn't work

Sheyda You know, I'm noticing that most of the people who discuss having a loving, mature relationship with someone who is either much younger or much older, have mainly been from people living in the UK. I'm beginning to think that perhaps this is not so much a age thing but a cultural one. I know that my cousin, who lives in London, was always much more mature in many ways than her American counterparts (oh my god were we immature!). I think that America takes an offense to these "older man, younger woman (teen and early twenties)" relationships. Mainly for the fact that we have a tendency of growing so much more slowly, whether from cultural hinderance and a society's inability to allow our younger generation the responsibilities and experiences that they would need in order to mature quicker, or just because our school system is so much more behind than other countries.

How does this affect relationships? Well, for a start, it makes people unconsciously search out a mate of similar or same age. While I agree that age should not be a factor in many walks of life, I am going to have to say that while some people mature quicker in some areas and others do not, there is the concern of Life Experiences. Someone in their early teen, late teens or even early twenties, while mature in many things, are just not prepared mentally, physically, emotionally in areas that require experience in which to learn and grow. How can a 14, 17, or even 21 year old possibly make the same life choices and decisions that a person in their 30's would make? They haven't experience enough to know how to make the decisions. Especially when it comes to relationships. Granted, love and passion are felt, but when they are between someone so young and unexperienced and someone much older, it's just not a fair proposition. I personally look for someone closer to my age (not the exact range but within 5 years or so) as I know that they have already experienced the same things that I have experienced. They are in a similar group as me and experienced the same things growing up (like the 80's). I dated somone once who was 21 while I was 33 (not so long ago actually) and while he was extremely intelligent and very mature in his work ethics, he had not finished "growing". His perceptions of life were immature, his beliefs on how relationships work, on many different issues. I really enjoyed my time with him, but it was hard to talk about anything from my past as he didn't understand references to certain things or why they would have been so funny. Either way, this is only my opinion and my experiences. LOL, I'm sure someone will disagree with me!

I absolutely agree with you here DN, however I will have to say that I believe the husband has probably been not only dishonest with her but with himself as well. He is going on a site looking for casual sex, she mentioned his sex drive several times, he lied to everyone about almost everything, was in denial after being caught in the "act". I truly believe that there are issues with the husband that may be outside of the scope of what the wife was doing or not doing. I still stand by the fact that he would benefit from seeing a sex counsellor, whether he is an addict or not, he is showing signs of having issues and improper views of sex / relationships.

I would agree with DN totally if not for one little fact... "I read his profile and was floored - he joined 7 months ago and was looking for a short term sexual affair. This was deliberate. " This man had been cheating on his wife way before she asked for a divorce or treated him any differently than a woman with a man. I think I would like to say that I want things to work out for you, however, I've seen this behaviour before (a friends father) and it makes me wonder as to whether your Husband has an addiction to sex. Perhaps he needs to see a sex counsellor on top of a regular couples counsellor. Remember though that is is only my opinion and that sex addictions are the hardest to treat and are never cured. Not saying that there is no hope, I'm just warning you that if this is a part of his issue, you have a long hard road ahead of you. I do agree with DN that it's time to set down and truly discuss what it is that you want, what it is that he wants and if either of you feel the situation is getting heated than back off, take a small break, go for a walk (together if possible). If nothing else, get a couples counsellor to help you discuss these issues. You've obviously been hurt here, he cheated on you way before he had any reason too (you're asking for a divorce), however, now is the time to put that down and start talking about what you can do for the future and whether there is indeed a future for you both. I wish you all the luck in the world though. Keep us updated. Write here often, it truly helps.