codaaurora

I just find it interesting that this particular subject is in the Ten Commandments not once but twice. You know, before I became a Christian, I always believe that the Ten Commandments were more like a guide to the way one should live their life, whether they believe in God or not. So for all non-Believers or Believers, here you go... VI THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY......men will deliberately attach only specific sins on this Commandment, for shame will make them call this The Hidden Commandment'." IX THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.....Adultery - Temptation through thought, word and deed. Okay...done

I can't believe that you used the "Everybody else is doing it..." defense. Either way, the best way to stop thinking about his guy is to start focusing on your husband. You're being selfish, spending all this time thinking about someone that you basically don't love, and are in LUST with. Why not try to find ways to be in LUST with your husband? Why not try to rediscover your husband? Suggest romantic mini getaways. Go to a hotel one night after dinner and drinks, make out in the car after a movie, run around naked in your home and play tag. Basically, your wasting/expending all this energy on a man that has not loved and supported you with complete trust that you are doing the same for him(as your husband has).

KEEFY I don't believe that is a possibility. I'm sorry but it's just not. Did you read what I wrote to Blue? Women have a tendency to over-read / over -analyze / over - think issues and problems and events and anything else that tends to float into our heads and stick there. Talking to you. Asking you to come into a secluded room. Asking YOU for a hug. Telling you you smell nice too. Not saying definitely anything about them or where they are headed. Being curious if you were angry. Being confused when you weren't. All of this is not going to lead to a shrug of the shoulders and an oh well. It's gonig to lead to the same thing that she has been thinking about for a couple of weeks atleast. Thinking about you. Otherwise, why bring up the music (artist/song/lyrics), why the imagery of the clothes, why the weekend details? Open up your eyes sweetie. Same goes to you too! Except you need to stop thinking the negatives and start just LIVING in the here and now. Nothing BAD has happened yet. She hasn't come up to you and said "Keefy, I want to be with you", granted, BUT she also HAS NOT come up to you and said "Keefy, I DON'T want to be with you....ever". You see?

BLUE Ok, here is what you need to say to her. And make sure that you have a calm, mature, sorrowful voice on when you do it. Not a whiny, scared, please don't hate me voice. OKAY? Blue, I'm serious man. HOW DARE SHE?? She's just like my ex, getting all indignant because I wouldn't let him borrow my car to go to LA to meet some new chick. I woke up Blue, you can too! Have faith in yourself. Have faith in what we are telling you. Let us know if you need anything, I will check in this weekend to make sure everything is going well.

You know Keefy, you also have to think about this from a new perpective. You have NEVER taken this tact with her before. Is it possible that now she is even more whacked out and confused than before? I mean, look, before you guys would have this issue and then she always got the reassuring email from you (on some level she liked it, whether she said it bothered her or not, cause if it truly bothered her, she would have told you, like I did K). This time, no reassuring email. No I love you. No over-reacting. No anger. No Keith. What the heck is going on???? This was probably all running through her head and probably still is. On the tails of that is: am I loosing him, how do I feel about that, do I REALLY want to live and stay and grow old with the already old fart? She could be severly mad at you for not doing what she expected, in her mind though it will b something else, liiiiiike your lying to her and your really mad and hiding it. She could be mad or sad because you "obviously" don't love her anymore. She could be depressed because of your change towards her. She could just NOT know how to deal with it and has decided to spend some time thinking about it. I know, I had a boyfriend once whom I lived with. His name was Michael and I loved him so very much. He had blonde hair and blue eyes and a gorgeous smile and a wicked British accent that really melted my heart. But he was kind as well and giving and funny and intelligent. I miss him alot sometimes but know that he is married now and happy (plus, we never would have worked because of our extreme difference in religion). Either way, Micheal and I had hit a rough patch and I did something that I knew would get a certain reaction out of him because the last time I did it he had reacted strongly and I KNEW then that he loved me. Weird yes? Okay, that's a girl thing, a young immature girl thing, but you get my point. I was wrong. I was also wrong in assuming that he would act a certain way. He didn't. He was calm and serene and told me "As you wish" and walked out for his daily jog. ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I was completely flabbergasted. I mean, what the heck was going on? He didn't love me anymore, that's what was going on!!!! LOL See what I mean? We women have a tendency to over read, over analyze. Just be patient and give it time. I promise you, you won't have to wait long for her to talk to you. She won't be able to help herself.

Blue, I hate to tell you, but I'm not going to accuse you of making up excuses. I am going to tell you that you have been living in this incredible world for the past year. One of her calling you and you responding. You've been doing this for so long that you actually BELIEVE that this behaviour is okay and any little bone she throws your way, you run to catch it. Yes, she can get anyone to help her with this. Did it ever cross your mind that maybe she should, get someone else to help her that is? You are not in a position to be just friends right now and she knows this. She's using you on purpose. Trust me. It's time to stop BLUE. I'm serious. Just stop. I want you to pretend that the above statment was written by me about my ex. I'm serious. Sit back, close your eyes, take a couple of deep breaths, relax and now pretend I am sitting right beside you, I'm telling you that after almost a year of K using me, now he wants to see me but can only ask by tacking on that he needs me to follow him in his broken down car or drive it for him, I think that this is HIS excuse to see me, I'm happy about it, I feel good about it. What do you feel for me? Do you see the holes in it? WHY SHOULD I FEEL HAPPY THAT SOMEONE CAN'T EVEN COME OUT AND SAY THEY WANT TO SEE ME??? You see what I mean? This is base. She knows you, she knows you better than all of us and she has been playing you like fiddle for almost a year and you keep letting her! LOL Blue, hon, come on. You KNOW you deserve to have someone not only WANT to spend time with you, but want to come out and say it. To not be so ashamed to say it or afraid too. You deserve to have someone look at you and think that you are the moon and stars and heaven on earth, instead of just someone to drive their broke down car. You deserve to have a feeling for someone that when you look at them, your heart breaks out in song and you find that it is singing harmony with theirs. You can't find this person if your busy driving her broken down car for her. She HAS a boyfriend. She HAS a father. Let her call one of them. Let her call a tow truck, heck, let the car sit there and rot!! She needs to grow up Blue and so do you. Stop letting her pull you around by your nose. JUST SAY NO. You'll feel so much better when you do. Trust me. As for this weekend, you are busy, that's it. She's not your girlfriend, she's not even acting like your friend, so she is not on a need to know basis. OKAY?

Absolutely Blue, just cause I say I'm ticked off at her, doesn't mean I hate her. No way, I don't know her, how can I? I just don't like what she is doing to you. As a woman and reading what you have been saying since coming on the board, I didn't need you to tell me that your the type of personality that can't say no. I already saw that, from two perspectives. One as a person with the same problem but is slowly growing out of it and learning that I need to do for me first and stop caring if the other person is mad cause I say no every once in a while. Two: as a woman who sees a man that can be manipulated. All women see it, it's just whether or not she choosed to use it. I've always chosen not too. Yes, I manipulate to get what I want, but in an innocent vain, I bat my eye lashes, I'm sweet, I threaten to kick tail, but I NEVER use someone's personality against them. NEVER, that is a big big no-no. Remember to stay strong BLUE. I know you can't understand how no contact is going to make her want to leave her present BF, who knows, it might not. BUT that's not what's important. What's important is that she realize that she can't use you anymore. That you realize that you are WORTH the love and attention of a kind girl. That you grow and learn from an experience that will make you a better man and mate. MOST of all, that you have time to heal. **Also, if this helps, think of it this way, who got all the girls? The Fonze or Potzie? McGuyver or Jack Dalton (the bumbling sidekick)? Jerry (Sienfeld) or George (Constanza)? All these guys were confident with themselves. They knew what they wanted and didn't want. They knew that yes, they might fall in love and yes they might get rejected and hurt but that there was someone else out there to love them and it was the other person's loss. Become the McGuyver BLUE! (Plus he was just really hot with that Mullett and the gum wrapper blowing things up and those eyes and that body and that voice...but I digress)

Do me a favor, next time you talk to him, ask him to name one moment in time (other than the birth of JC) that everything was PERFECT? Better yet, ask yourself this and then ask yourself why your listening to him tell you this BS and not seeing right threw it. I don't know him so I can't say for sure, but I can tell you this. Don't sit around and wait for him decide whether or not you or the situation is now perfect and it's ok to start a relationship. There is NO such thing. Anyways, he should love and accept you for who you are, warts and all. If he can't, hey that's ok, but it's obviously not what YOU want, do you see my point?

She knows it already and by you not doing it this time it's going to make her wonder if she is losing you. By not apologizing anymore for your opinions, which by the way, you are ALLOWED to have as the last time I checked this is a free country. You should NEVER have to apologize for your opinions unless they are nasty, hurtful and obviously untrue. This one was none of those. It's going to freak her out when you don't apologize as she and I (now) both know that you "just won't rest until this is settled". BWAH HA! She is going to be scratching her bottom and going ...."HUH?" when she sees that your not doing any of your tried and true, regulation, normal operating proceedure stuff! I almost wish I could be there to see her face! LOL I know that it's going to be hard for you to wait and see what comes out of this. Truuuust me I know. I'm feeling your pain on that right now hon, but what you need to rememeber is that what you did NEEDED to be done ok? You needed to shock her, rock he world a little bit, I personally would have waited a little longer, given her lots of great, fun, RECENT memories of you before pulling that stunt, but hey....they ain't married yet right? So who says that you can't do it again and this time DO IT RIGHT??? Anyway, you know I am here for you Keefy. Anytime.

All I can say is........Oops. You shouldn't have done that. You NEVER bring up new relationships, if they ask, you avoid the question (whether your dating or not). The only time you come right out and answer that question is if you are serious about someone else and starting a life with them (in whatever fashion) or if you and the ex are getting back together (and even then you keep the info to a bare minimum). WOW. Oopsie. But hey...You know what? We're all human, we all make these mistakes. Don't worry over it too much. However, your email was very emotional and very, hmmmm, well you sounded like a martyr. That is the last thing you want right now. I suggest you take some time to really evaluate why you felt the need to tell him what you did (and don't try to tell me cause he's your friend and you thought you two could chat, we BOTH of us know what the truth of it is, you were trying to make him jealous on some level and now that it worked, it backfired on you). Then you need to evaluate what went wrong in your relationship, what you did to contribute to it, and how YOU can change the mistakes that YOU made. Not what he can change, only he can want to do that. You can want all you want to, and it's not going to change him. Stop defending yourself to him. Stop explaining your excuses away. Take ownership for what you have done, take a step back and wipe the slate clean. Now is the time to work on YOU. Later you can work on you two together, if that is even in the cards. Ok? For now though, your first homework assignment is to forgive yourself for your blunder and evaluate why you REALLY did it and why.

Keefy, It'll be hard to do, as no one can charm me better than he can. He always was able to do that. But I know with the help and strength of you guys and my friends and family, I will persevere. Oh, and I am feeling better today. Tired but better. How are you doing today? Feeling better about what we talked about yesterday?

BLUE I have to agree with Keefy on this, he hit the nail on the head of what I was trying to say. I'm sorry if I was harsh on you man, I just don't want to see a friend get run all over by someone he obviously cares so much for. Don't let her do to you what I let my ex do to me. Keefy and V and my co-workers kept telling me over and over to stop giving in to him, stop being there for him, stop being his fall back, his free support and I just wouldn't get it into my head and thought that by being there for him would show how much I cared. BUT guess what? It didn't. He didn't come running back to me. He actually asked me for advice on how to get dates with other chicks!!!! AND THEN got mad when I wouldn't as I wasn't being a friend and that I just wanted to be vindictive and see him fail. I mean HELLLOOOO Coda!!! How much more abuse was I going to take? And that's just what it was BLUE, it was abuse, a form of mental/emotional abuse and I was eating it and asking for more. Don't be me Blue. Take our advice now. We're doing it for your own good.

Keefy, What you just said was so sweet and kind, it made me cry and being that I'm at work, I had to get up and run to the bathroom, thank god they thought I was just sick! LOL Seriously, you have no idea how good that made me feel. By saying that I made that much of an impact on you for the short time that I've known you, helped me to realize that I truly did have a huge impact on K, whether he wants to realize it now or not. I truly was his rock. He went to me for everything, I was his Dictionary, his confidant, his guide for life and living, his advisor and his friend. Without me, he will eventually see that. Thank you Keefy. Thank you so very very much.

Here's a thought. SHE IS USING YOU. Are you kidding yourself? Are you TRYING to kid me? Read this next sentence and you'll have your answer... This says it all BLUE. I mean, she might legitimately miss you, but she still expects you to be her beck and call guy. She still thinks you will cave in and help her. You need to NOT DO THIS. She has parents, she is seeing someone else yes? Even if no, YOU ARE NOT HER BOYFRIEND anymore and it's by HER choice. So what, your going to let her have her cake AND eat it too? Look man, you need to tell her that you spoke with your parents and decided that it might be best for you to go this weekend being that it's Mother's Day and that you hope she is able to get her car taken care of. Then tell her, RIGHT AFTER THAT, that you have to run, you have a meeting, and get off the phone!! No more than a 2-3 min conversation. I'm serious. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS FOR YOURSELF. This girl is serious ticking me off, she knows she can work you and IS. Ultimately, you answered the whole problem in the last sentence... I know you want to help her, I know that you think that if you don't you won't ever win her back, that she'll be mad or hate you for not helping her, but trust me, it doesn't work that way. Look at me, I was foolish enough to help K out three times in less than 2 weeks and he STILL treated me like dirt by brining up a subject over and over again when he KNOWS that it hurts my feelings as I TELL him it does as he's doing it. Get mad BLUE, get indignant! You deserve too! Do me a favor, walk to your front door and bring in your welcome mat, cause your not going to be that way anymore OKAY???

Good morning my boys... BLUE I hope you waited until atleast today to call her. What Keefy said is exactly what I would have said. Give it some time. I know you feel crappy for not calling her right back, but think of it this way, has she called you back instantly every single time you've called? Most likely not. Either way, that is not the point, the point is that you have a life now and need to lead it, not make time to call her. (Whether that's true or not). VHS You naughty boy! Seriously, good job, you kept it light, made sure she knew you were busy and having a good time and didn't let her drama bring you down. More than likely, unless she's always been like this, the increased drama your seeing is her effort to get your attention and sympathy. Girls are taught that boys that care want to "fix" our problems, girls are also used to getting sympathy and attention in increased amounts (from their gf's atleast, but we tend to be stupid and think it will work with the boys too) when their is a bunch of drama in our lives. Especially for the younger or immature women. Older women or more mature women, tend to see life as an opportunity to get past all the drama and will avoid it like the plague when they can. You did an excellent job tho. KEEFY I know that I already went over this with you, but I thought I would put it up here so you can see it for later. Basically though, she is confused, missing you and still has feelings for you. If she was so into him, she would have told you she has every intention of making it work with him, instead of telling you she would let you know if it doesn't work out. I mean, why say that if she thinks it will? Because she doesn't think it will and is getting your reaction. Also, granted, friends tell other friends stuff, but I don't tell you guys what I wear to work or play (ie: wearing a short black tennis skirt, with a yellow t and no STRIPES). I also dont' keep you guys posted on my every move over the weekends. Why? Cause I'm not interested in you guys romantically and it doesn't cross my mind that you would want to know that stuff. BUT if I was, I WOULD want you to know, to know if I'm with a guy or not with a guy, what I'm wearing, what I'm experiencing, listening to a song and telling you about it, blah blah blah. She's doing all that stuff Keefy. Give her some more time, don't totally give up on her, but CONTINUE LIVING YOUR LIFE. I'm so very proud of you and the way you handled that situation. Now stick on that path okay? CODA: UPDATE Well guys, I sent that email on Sunday and haven't heard from him since Monday (05/02/05, when he called and left me a message that his mother had heard from his younger brother who we were worried about, I didn't call him back, but sent him a text saying thank you). To be honest, I'm getting very sad. A part of me is screaming that I made a mistake, that he will never call me again, that I need to atleast talk to him and that if he brings that subject up THEN I can just hang up on him, but not to loose contact with him, out of sight out of mind, your going to loose him, blah blah blah. But then another part of me, one that's a little bigger than the other part, says calmly that it's tired of being disrespected. That K needs to see that i mean business this time and that I need to see that I mean business this time. That if K can't treat me right, there WILL be someone out there who will. I CAN be happy again. I WILL find love again. I will NOT end up the old lady with cats, although in my case it would be fish and guinea pigs. Anyway, I wanted to be honest with you about my feelings, I don't want you (any of you) to think that I'm perfectly okay with this. I'm human and I miss my ex. I am afraid of loosing him forever, but I'm even more afraid of loosing respect for myself.

Okay, so I would just like to say that Keefy was right, K keeps contacting me. I thought after sending that email that would be the last I heard from him for a while or even forever. Keefy said no way. I wasn't so sure but had made up my mind that I was tired of the way I was letting K talk to me and treat me and made up my mind to no contact and told K why (so he would LEARN instead of just assuming). But now K is finding reason's to write to me online or call my phone. I haven't been responding, just once or twice and both times it was "ok, thank you" and then dissappearing. I've NEVER done that to him before, that's the way he would treat me, not vice versa. But I'm doing it and do you know what? I feel good about it. I feel in CONTROL. It's scary yes, you're going to be scared of loosing the person that you don't want to loose, but you know what I've found out? You should be MORE scared of loosing yourself! And I was! But now, now I am in the driver's seat of my life and I haven't been this happy or content in YEARS!!!

BLUE I think that it's great you two were able to have good communication this weekend, but BLUE, I must warn you. You are already reading into stuff and trying to act with her the way you would once you had healed. I'm giving you warning from someone who's been exactly where you are right now, stop. Stop right this minute. You are in no way, shape, or form prepared or ready to start this up with her again. You need to take some time to yourself. Listen BLUE, you know where her parents live, so you can get their address, mail her stuff there. They will let her know that she's got some stuff to pick up, so no reason to tell her. You need to go NC right now Blue, even if its for a very short period of time. You need to do this now, at the beginning, trust me. If you dont', it's just going to take longer and then you might never get her back. Blue, you have not healed and this weekend is proof of that. You are living in a Limbo state, not fully accepting your not with her anymore but accepting it enough to be depressed this weekend. You are fooling yoursefl if you think that you are ready to start "flirting" with her again. I mean, sure, if she contacts you and catches you off guard then by all means, be happy and flirtatious (w/in limits) but otherwise, you need to stop contacting her for now. Just trust me on this one ok?

Nope, just maintaining, getting by and trying to to wonder when or if he will ever contact me again. I'm not so upset about it as I would have thought I would be though. I love him and want to be with him, but not at the expense of my own self respect. OH! I went to a movie and dinner last night with a guy friend of mine, he and I had such a good time! I had forgotten what it was like to be a PART of a conversation instead of just talking about what the other person is interested in and then dealing with them telling me "Ok, that's good" when trying to discuss something that I'm interested in. I realized that I'm witty!!! LOL We went to see Amnityville Horror and I loved it!!! Scared me senseless!

I think you are making the best decision for YOU!! There is no telling what the future will hold, and you detaching from him will wake him up enough to see what it is that he is doing to the people he claims to care the most about. Either way, that doesn't matter, what DOES matter is you and getting your confidence back. It took me a long time to realize that somewhere in the depths of my 9 year relationship, I had become HIM and lost myself and my self confidence along the way. Now I am taking control of my life and what I want. It was scary to do some of the things that I did. I didn't want to do some of them as it went against the grain, but doing them empowered me and made me realize how much I had changed and for the WORSE! LOL I know you are going to be strong and get through this ok, because you took my blog with a grain of salt and saw past the harsh reality and view it for what it was, help.

While this can be true, I (and this is my opinion only here) would truly question getting involved with somone right out of a long term relationship who said it was over because he was bored. I would ask him what he did to try and resolve that and really listen to his answers. I would ask about previous relationships and really listen to his answers there. BUT most of all, I have enough respect for myself and other people to not get invloved in a relationship right away. I would take my time and explain to him why. If that caused me to loose my change with him, then he wasn't worth my time. I personally don't care how long long someone's been in a relationship, that has no bearing on anything. And if we don't take other people into consideration, how will we learn anything about ourselves or life? If you go through life thinking only for yourself, then perhaps this is the reason for the increased lack of respect in so many areas of our daily lives. We want people to respect us and treat us correctly but we very rarely try to see it from the other person's perspecitve. I personally think that is wrong. Sometimes an ex is just a crazy ex, end of story, but most of the time it's a person that is truthfully hurting and there is always a reason why. What you need to try and find it is what caused that hurting and how long has it been. How grown up is this man? AND will he do the same to me? The past is a good predictor, and we can only learn from the past, but how do you do that if you don't look at it from ALL sides?

KEEFY I know that we already went over this this weekend, but just remember what I told you, she is giving you visuals, she is discussing things that she never would discuss before and admitting that she is unhappy presently, she is pointing out songs to you and checking her email faithfully, these are all very good signs! Just remember to keep it light, like you've been doing and DON'T bring up the relationship or it's past, that's done, now it's time to start it NEW! BLUE How did your weekend go? Fill us in. VHS How bad were you this weekend. For me personally, I have cut contact with the ex and sent him an email explaining why. He tried to argue how it was my fault, but I ignored that which I'm emmensly proud of. Let him stew for a little while. He pushed me three times this past week for help in talking to/getting new dates with girls, even though I have told him repeatedly not to bring this topic up, he still did, so I told him until he can respect me enough to knock that off, I won't be speaking with him. He said fine and then later tried argueing a completely inane point. Let's see how long he can go without ME!

Coolchick, no my ex did not leave me for someone else, we were having major problems when it ended and then about a month and a half later he met and started dating someone else seriously (who he has already broken up with as he hasn't resolved his feelings for me and admitted he wasn't be fair to anyone else until he did). The reason why I was harsh was because someone needed to be. I didn't accuse her of anything or call her a bad person. BUT, she is not entirely blameless here because she was getting angry and upset at the ex for going through the healing process. It's not the ex's fault that the man decided to start a relationship immediately after breaking up with her. Any woman who would start a relationship with a man who is just coming out of a relationship is not doing HERSELF any favors nor is she taking into consideration anyone else's feelings. I needed to point out to her that she doesn't really have any right to be mad and angry at the ex for disrepecting her as the new gf when she admits that she got into the relationship with him right away. That means that something, however innocent, was going on with her and him before he had ended his relationship with his ex. That behaviour is disrespectful in and of itself. I'm not saying that getting involved with someone like her present bf is a bad thing, I'm just saying that she needs to start seeing it from other perspectives instead of just wearing blinders. She got into this relationship full knowing the situation, she needs to see the consequences as well and stop blaming the ex for normal behaviour. I think we should all be honest with each other, even if it's sometimes hard to hear. We need that in order to learn and grow and not make the same relationship mistakes in the future.

Okay, so I just saw your post here and I am going to be a little hard on you here and I hope you're adult enough to take it. You see, I don't have much sympathy for you and I have several reasons why. I'm hoping that you'll understand this and help yourself for the future. Your first mistake was getting involved with a man who would leave someone he had been with for over 5 years for no other reason to be with another woman. Why? What were you two doing? Even if it were innocent, you still were giving him signals that you would be receptive to being with him. Was that right and fair of you? Were you being respectful to his ex? I don't believe you were. Your second mistake was thinking that the ex would just go quietly into the night. She did not see this coming, he did this to her and moved on to you, probably with no warning to her. She didn't have the time to start to heal. Were either of you considerate and respectful enough of her to give your relationship a short break before getting right together? Even a couple of weeks would have been more considerate. To him, her and to you. This way you could be sure that you were want he wanted instead of just the flavor for right now. Your third mistake is being upset with someone who is in pain and you helped cause that pain. Your talking like she has not right to send him pictures and write him letters when you are now his girlfriend. Ask yourself this, what were you doing when he was her's? Turn about fair play? Even if all you did was walk by his desk everyday and say nothing to him, you and I both know that he isn't going to leave someone just for a nice whiff of perfume passing by. You did something to encourage him and don't deny it. I think that instead of being angry and incensed at her for her normal, natural reactions, that you should perhaps look at your own behaviour and see if there is anything that you can learn from it. Perhaps it will help you with the feelings of insecurity you are having now. Good Luck to you.

I hate to be this brutally honest, but why would you want to be with a man who left a long term relationship to be with you when he didn't have any complaints about the previous relationship? Doesn't that scare you a little bit? Were you two together before he broke up with his ex? Were you just platonic friends that decided to give it a chance and that's why he broke up with his girlfriend?

You NEED to call him. You say you can't. Why? If for no other reason to atleast get some closure. If you cannot then you MUST begin the healing process. There are no guarantee's in life. No one has a crystal ball that can tell you what is going to happen, some ppl get back together and it lasts forever, some get back together and it doesn't, some never get back together. What you need to do is to start healing for yourself and your future relationships. Volunteer, Read, Write, Watch movies, Go out with Friends. Start doing whatever it takes to make you happy atleast once a day. Once you are able to think about your past relationship with him without dissolving into tears (like we all do at some point or another), then you need to start focusing on WHY it ended. Did you do anything "wrong"? Is there any behaviours that you need to work on to better yourself as an individual and a mate? Keep a journal at home. Write these thoughts down, re-read them. It will help you see your mistakes. By writing things down, our memory cannot distort our actions of the moment later on. This will give you an opportunity, days, weeks or months from now to look back and READ what you were thinking and feeling and seeing the possiblities in it. Seeing what you could or could not have done. Learning from the past that is vivid and right there in front of you, instead of a memory that your mind might have skewed in your favor. If nothing else helps, come on here and post your feelings. We are all here for you and have walked in your shoes.