codaaurora

Keefy, Wow, this was really a good exchange, especially since you don't feel such a need to be recognized for a kind and good deed and haven't wanted to respond to her email. I wish I could tell you that it will get all better very soon and that you two will be back together, but I just don't know anymore. I am at the point in my life where I do NOT want the ex back anymore. Not because I don't like him or love, I do, but we just aren't right for each other in so many aspects and now that I've had some time to get away from him, I've started seeing that. I'm sorry we keep missing each other. I got food poisoning from dinner on Sunday night and haven't felt all that great since then. Glad everyone seems to be doing so well. Much love to all.

Hello My Boys!!! (And two new additions!) I'm so sorry that I haven't been on here for a while, but things have been so hectic in life and I've been so much more HAPPY that I haven't really "needed" to come on here as much. Just to let you know, I've decided that for now, I do not want to go back to my ex. I've been spending alot of time thinking about the past and why I broke it off with him in the first place and have realized some things. I was so terrified of "loosing" what I thought I wanted, of being alone, of never finding someone like him again, that I forgot all the things about him that I didn't care for! Now that I've been going out with other people and spending time with them, I realize how much of myself I lost. I had become this whole new person that I didn't like anymore. This person that couldn't really discuss anything intelligent in the areas in which I USED to be proficient in. I found out that I didn't LIKE ME anymore!!! I started to regain that by going out with my friends, reading and watching what I was interested in (and not my ex) and stopped worrying over what other people thought and only what I thought. I can honestly say to you all, I am so much HAPPIER NOW! I love this new life! I LOVE ME!! Plus, I have had a "crush" on a certain guy for a couple of weeks now and he asked me out this weekend!!!! I couldn't believe it!!! He called me and asked me to go see a movie with him and dinner. I was stunned! This is a guy known for only going out with "Hot" intelligent chicks. While I'm intelligent, I am NOT Hot!!! I may be cute, but definitely not HOT (or atleast not yet) so this was a HUGE ego booster! I had so much fun with him too! We talked and talked after the movie and I really felt like we were "getting to know" each other. He said several times that this was stuff he hadn't really told other people and he seemed befuddled by it, like happily surprised! I REALLY like him but most of all, I LIKED me around him! I could be myself!!! After years of not being able to be myself and now I can! I'm having a great life now people and the funniest thing is, is that now that I've decided that I don't want to go back to the ex right now, he's constantly calling asking me out!!! It's hilarious! Much love to you all! Let me know how you all are doing! KEEFY!!! Man you need to learn to contact me in NORMAL hours!!!! hahaha

Keith, IGNORE THE HECK OUTTA HER. Bet you weren't expecting that from me huh? Seriously tho, if you see her, wish her a happy birthday, but other than that, don't go out of your way. Think of it like this, she hasn't really been treating you like much of a friend lately and I don't know about you, but a friend is the only one that I would go out of my way for. That's just my opinion, but honestly it might be stemming from my own frustrations with my ex. I'm getting to a point where I really do NOT want much contact with him. He gets on my nerves sometimes actually and now that I'm further away from the pain of our seperation, the more I am seeing just how much he's rubbed me the wrong way and for how long. So, my advice? Don't give her the card, text her if you feel like it that day, but other than that, no big deal... ~Coda

Hey Guys!!! Well, I am now officially 34! Yippee! I had such a great day yesterday! AND get this! The ex is calling me ALL THE FREAKING TIME now. LOL But you know what? I don't care anymore. He asked me out for Friday night to see Star Wars and to celebrate my birthday and I said ok, but I'm really wishing this other guy would call me!!! haha! Anyway, things are going really REALLY well here! I'm glad to see everyone else seems to be doing well too!

Keefy, there is nothing that you can do, except maybe to make it definite that she does stay with him (by pushing her there). You know, sometimes in life you really do just have to let go and give things to God. Let Him work on it, let Him take the stress and frustration from you. You need to just give this one to God Keefy, that's the only thing that you can do right now. She needs to make this decision on her own. Without outside or undue influence. AND you need to be comfortable in the fact that she made the decision on her own without your interference (IE: Is she just with him cause I pushed her too it? Is she not with him because she really wants to be with me or she's under false pretenses?). I promise you Keefy, no matter how hard this is right now, you will be okay. It does and will get better. No matter what the outcome. ~Coda

Hey No Problem Blue.....Cause Guys SUCK!!! ahaha But I luv you guys tho! Yeah, so went out friday with a bunch of people from work and a guy I know was there. Everytime I see/talk/spend time with him I like him more and more. He's handsome and funny, he's also intelligent and quick witted. He flirted with me a lot friday night which made me feel great as he is known for only going after the HOT girls and I've never been considered that. However, a mutual friend told me that he will only go after a girl with looks and smarts and that they saw him blow off two extremely hot girls on Friday night because they weren't the brightest speciman's. WOW. So I brougth my camera that night and got a bunch of pictures of us all and he and I seem to be in a lot of them. Hmmmm?? Then Saturday the ex called and asked if I wanted to go see a movie ( he did NOT mention that it would be just a friend thing ) so I said yes. He wound up being too late for a theater movie, so we went to rent a movie and the grocery store and watched it at my house. We rented Alfie and it was a great movie but......I don't know, I felt weird. I found that I wasn't thinking about K while we were watching it. That I was thinking about how great D made me feel the night before. How much fun I have with all the other guys I've been seeing. How I can have a conversation with them and be involved in it instead of it all being about "him him him" like it is with my ex. Too Weird? Anyway, around 3am, after listening to him talk for about an hour, I told him I had to be at work today (which I do and am, we're moving and so I have to help test the systems) and that it was time for me to hit the hay. He kept talking about other stuff and taking his time to get ready. He seemed surprised actually. I took him back to his car (he has to park off site because parking in my complex is horrible) and dropped him off, said good night, did not offer a hug, he got out and I left....no looking back. I wonder....am I getting over him? I'm going out with someone else today, he and I have a lot of fun together too even though I'm not as attracted to him as I am D, but I am not in D's league right now so...... Anyway, how is everyone else?

I'm going to have to agree with the others here. I've been a victim of the same thing when I was feeling neglected on some fundamental level with my ex (we had been together for almost 9 years). Then I noticed a man who was more like me (my ex is shy and introspective, I'm an extrovert and talk to everyone), he was laughing and joking with people that he didn't even know. I saw him at other functions as well, he was always able to just walk up to anybody and make them feel like they've known and liked him all their lives. He wasn't glamerous or gorgeous although he was handsome in his own odd way. I started catching myself looking for him whenever I went somewhere I knew he would be. I found myself thinking about him and how much different and more compatible he was to me than my ex. But you know what? I never once spoke with him. Not once. We had plenty of eye contact as we both seemed to always be the center of a group, laughing and having fun, but we never spoke. I built this giant fantasy in my head and instead of trying to make it work with my ex, trying recapture those feelings that I KNEW he could give to me, I let him go. So now, here I am, 5 months later and regretting loosing the love of my life, namely, my ex. Before you do anything, really really TRY to recapture that spark with your wife.

I completely disagree with this. Totally and utterly. No offense to you aprillynn, however, when you took the vows you promised to remain faithfull. You did this in the eyes of God and of the State. I can understand following your heart, but that is only meant for people who are free to do so. Someone who is married is not free to do so in anybodies eyes except for the person that is trying to condone their own selfish behaviour/lusts. That's exactly what it is. That's all it is. That's saying..."I want this and to heck with the consequences or how you feel or anybody else". If you were free to make these choices that's one thing. But being MARRIED you have now got more than yourself to be responsible to. Anyone who believes any differently should not have entered into Marriage in the first place.

Ok, since you've never mentioned her doing this before, you have to understand my stance on that, HOWEVER, when was the last time that you mentioned this to her? Second, if it's been over a couple of months then if you have to send her an email, keep it short and to the point. Dont' bring all that other stuff. Something like this... That's all you need to tell her. Arrange it however you want, but you don't need to make any bigger deal of it than that. Otherwise all your going to do is start a ... Get me?

I understand everything that you are saying but my friend, you are spiralling out of control right now. When I wrote that letter to my ex I did not do it the first time he treated me with disrespect. I didn't even do it the second time. It was after the third time in a week that I wrote him that letter. I'm telling you Keefy, that no matter what, you don't have any ground to stand on here. She did it ONCE. You haven't told her that it bothered you in the past, so you can't act now like she is making some huge offensive manevuer. You just can't. You are in the wrong here Keefy. I hate to say it, I really do. But you are. If you want to write her and tell her that you didn't like how you felt yesterday after she ignored you then go ahead. But it's making a big deal out of what is essentially nothing. Everyone is supposed to get a second chance here and you aren't even giving her half of ONE. How fair are you being right now? Granted, what she did was wrong and it hurt you. Yes, you deserve to be treated with respect and you should be able to demand it, but by sending her a long email that makes it sound like she's been treating you this way for weeks or even more than once? No, that's not the way to handle it and if you would just calm down you would see that. Did she honestly do anything malicious? No. She simply didn't say hello. She didn't sign a contract saying that she HAD to. She doesn't OWE you anything, but to be honest here Keefy, you're acting like she owes you EVERYTHING. This is your biggest problem and it has been ever since I met you. YOU NEED TO CALM THE FRIG DOWN AND I MEAN IT. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh with you but it's the truth.

Everyone, thank you so much for your kind words, support, encouragement and ideas! Unfortunately my birthday falls on a Wednesday this year so I can't take enough time off to go anywhere, but I was thinking of maybe taking a day trip up to Santa Barbara that weekend. I was also thinking of maybe going down to San Diego as I do have friends there. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. Either way, I'm sure I will be fine in the end. I'm strong and everyday is a new day.

Ok Keefy, I understand that your tired of the not knowing, the mixed signals, the frustration of the whole darn situation. I truly understand and feel your pain. BUT, you can't sen that letter. I'm sorry. You have no right to. You just don't. She's done it ONCE Keefy. If she does it again, then you can tell her "You know, as your friend, it hurts when you ignore me." and leave it at that. But she only did it once and you don't know why she did it. But you're writing an email like she has commited some horrible crime and done this numerous times and has been lying to you all along. You are wrong in doing this and you know it. Don't do it Keefy. I'm serious. If you have chosen to move on with your life. To meet someone else to fulfill you, then do it. Don't tell her off first. There is no reason to. It won't make you feel any better, it won't get the answers that you want and it will only cause strife that you will regret sooner or later. I know you. You don't want that. If this is what you truly want, if you need to move on to heal. Then just do it. But whatever you do, if you listen to nothing else that I've ever told you, past, present or future, do not send that email. You will regret it and I WILL tell you I told you so when and if the time comes. Please don't put me in that position. All my thoughts and love go out to you right now hon, you know that.

Atleast I'm still SEMI-young yes???

Hey Keefy!!! You know what helps? If you post with a bunch of these things... YEAH!!! AND thennnnn..... 0X 0X 0X 0X Oh Double YEAH!!! AND theeeennnn..... Go buy some stuff to make your hair hurry up and grow! Yeah Baby! Mullett time! I knew I could where you down! You're gonna be McGuyverized! Woot Woot!

I'll be turning 34 on May 18th. Scary. Worst though is that this is the first time in my life that I will be totally alone for my birthday. I was with my ex for 8 of those. Before that, I was with my family and friends back home in Virgina. While I have friends here, they are more acquaintance friends that wouldn't really be the type of friends that would plan to spend time with you on your birthday. I'm actually very sad about this. I thought about going home but would rather be home for Christmas this year so am saving my money up for that. Which means that I will be alone for my birthday. I plan on getting something nice to eat and maybe a little cake and buying myself a camera lens that I've been wanting but.....Jeez, I'm tearing up just thinking about it. I suppose I can call my friends and ask them if they want to do anything with me. I guess I could be proactive like that. But it would be just a filler to keep me from being alone. It wouldn't be like it has always been, waiting to see what kind of things that your loved ones have planned for you. Will there be flowers? Cake? Did he remember that CD I wanted? Where will we go for Dinner? Is he going to take me out this weekend? Now.....nothing. Nothing to really look forward to except getting older and being alone. I guess what I need to do is just vent this out. Just come on here and get it out of my system. Maybe that's what I'll do. A little dooms day count down if you will.

Blue is right here Keefy. Whether or not she is lying is besides the point. She probably is and so what?? It's a white lie and it was done to get a rise out of you and it's working. She might also have done it (ignoring you and then saying she didn't see you) to show YOU that she can be cool too. You know, there have been plenty of times, where I've seen someone that I like at work and I will purposely ignore him/pretend I didn't see him, just to see what his reaction was. To see if HE would pay attention to ME. Either way though, this needs to be a "get thee behind me" type of thing sweetie. You need to just take a moment and cool down. Don't text her, don't email her, don't call her, don't talk to her at work. If she comes over to you at work, follow Blue's advice. Smile at her. Keep the conversation short, don't initiat anything and keep SMILING. Outside of work, don't respond to any emails or VM's or texts from her at all for ONE WEEK at the very least yeah? Keefy, just remember what we talked about this weekend. What she said to YOU on Sunday. Does that jibe? Did it ever happen to cross your mind that she is testing for the OLD Keefy? Just stay cool, come on here to vent, message me to vent, whatever you need to do to get it out of your system until you calm the F down. Then you will be able to see things more clearly, cause right now hon, you are like a bull with a red flag. ARe you SURE you won't reconsider the Mullet? I mean it's almost a national instituition ya know?

It's true that she will be the one who looses out on speaking with you. You are a terrific, compassionate individual who truly cares for others. Dont' forget that. Also, don't allow yourself to lower to her standards, don't become that person that does things out of anger or to be vindictive. If you don't feel like talking to her then don't. Also, you have to remember Keefy, always keep it in your mind, that she is no longer your GF. You don't have any rights anymore. You must NOT get upset if she doesn't respond to you, speak with you, email you, or acknowledge your messages. The more you come to terms with that, the more she will NOTICE it and start spending more time trying to get YOUR attention back. Just relax, stay cool, don't think about it overly much (you know that's when we get ourselves into trouble hon) and BREATHE. It's ok. You watch, this could even have been another test to see how you would react to a full blown snub. Ya never know. Anyway, so I guess that's a no on the Mullet?

I'm going to have to agree with Someguy here. You know, when my ex and I first broke up (I did the initial break up), I told him that he just seemed more interested in getting ahead in life than spending some of his life with me. That he would bury himself in his studies/work or whatever and just let life pass him by no matter how I tried to get his attention. Do you know what he told me? That he wished I would have told him all that to begin with because he was doing all that for ME. He was driving himself to make more money to help make me feel more secure about our future and that he was stressing himself out over it and now he learns that I wasn't as concerned as he thought. He was VERY upset about this and couldn't understand why I couldn't just TELL him instead of trying to showing him that I was missing him/lonely. I was flabbergasted! I thought I was "telling" but I guess I wasn't. You know, men interpret things different than women do, they "speak" a different language than we do. Maybe reading Mars and Venus books might help, I know that they helped me, even though it's too little to late for our relationship, but maybe not for the future. Tell him that you need to have a talk with him and then TELL HIM EVERYTHING. Maybe not that you have been carrying on a semi-platonic "affair" but that you are beginning to think about other men and you want to be thinking only of him.

My impression of Keefy. Look man, do this, grow out a Mullet, move to Cali and you and I will pick up all kinds of people that won't hurt us ok? Heck, with a Mullet, I might even claim ya for my own! LOL Keefy, just stay cool man, she gave you a head nod, that tells me that there is something going on that is making her extremely uncomfortable and she probably doesn't trust herself enough to be around you right now. Hmmmm, perhaps she and T broke it off? Maybe she heard someone else talking about how fine you are and it ticked her off? Maybe she's making assumptions of her own about YOU and who YOU are seeing now? Who knows, all I know is that YOU don't know either. So go work out, take your aggressions out in that. And remember, you and I need to learn Patience ok? Have a much better day and let me know if you need to talk k hon?

BLUE Way to go, very good job. Just in the future be careful on the length of your phone calls, but hey, we all love talking with our hearts desire and it's hard to just "get off" the phone when they are willing to talk to us. Just remember....you are in control, NOT her. My ex has been calling me everyday again. He called yesterday and I purposely didn't answer (around 7pm) and then I called him back and left a message around 10:30pm. Let him think what he will. Anyway, I'm doing better today. Not quite so melancholy. Hope everyone else is doing well also. ~Coda

Hey Keefy hon, I feel your pain, as I'm sure you know. It hasn't been to busy here today and those are the worst times for me. I can't get away from my own thoughts. I can't just turn on the TV, everytime I get into a Book a call comes through and throughs me off, I can only take staring at a computer so much so coming on here all the time can wear thin sometimes, so I'm left to my thoughts. And what do my thoughts turn to? Him. What he's doing. Is he back with his "new" ex? Is he thinking about me? Is he missing me? If he is missing me, is it because he's lonely now and not really missing "ME"? Oh the thoughts that we torture ourselves with. I know that you're doing the same thing Keefy. I KNOW you are. What you need to do is decide not to. I know that in your heart you are not quite ready to let go of this amazing girl. I know that you have made so many great and wonderful improvements. Give yourself some credit man. Take it easy. Live your life. Go out. Heck, go out on dates. Nobody says that you can't love and want to be with L and not still go out on dates right? I mean, if this were true, that I would be in total despair (from my own perspective LOL). I guess, what I'm trying to say is, you and I are very similar in that we want a resolution now. We are both impatient, impulsive individuals and you and I both need to learn some self control. We will NOT always have a resolution to everything in life. We need to deal with that. We need to curb our impulses to act on emotions. (You've already seen what that possibly could have done because of Saturday yes?). Just take it easy. Take a break from worrying about her. You and I both will take a break from rationalizing everything they do ok? Anyways, shouldn't you be studying man? hehe

Isnt' it amazing how well we all seem to do and then BAM, the next moment we are falling into a pit of despair. You know, I sometimes truly hate this and wonder if it/him is worth all of this suffering. He can't come out and tell me that we will never be together again, but then again he never has been able to say it. I've point that out to him, recently in fact, a couple of weeks ago, and he couldn't say anything to it. In a way, a part of me is just screaming to get it over and done with already and just say that "we will never be together again". BUT, I don't want to be the one to do that. I want HIM to say it. I dont' want to take the chance of saying it when there is still a chance for us and that is so pathetic. I mean, here I am being concerned over loosing him and FOR WHAT I ask you? For the crude he brings to my life? For the pain? For the indecision? For the not knowing? I don't know. I guess it's because I still love him and what we had together, the good and the bad. That we could have had a fabulous life together. I guess I hold on to that. So maybe what I need to do instead of making a snap decision, is to just be patient with myself. Instead of wondering and being upset over not have a "conclusion", perhaps instead I should be focusing on me and healing. Focusing that I need to be a better Coda and not worry about being a better Coda with a future for him. I don't know. I'll think on this somemore and write later.

I know you want me to give you advice on how to get him back, but I honestly think it's too soon for you to be worrying about that. I mean think about it, just a day or so ago you were angry and hurting and upset with him for his disrespectful behaviour towards you, for cheating on you, for everything else that he did to you (as per our pm). But then he writes you and you do a complete turn about. Think about that. If you go back now, he's going to do the same thing to you. It will happen all over again. Do you REALLY want to go through this all over again? I would suggest spending a little more time getting "over" him before trying to go out with him. You need some time to heal from his betrayals.

Muaw ahahahaha. That'll be a cheap night for you considering I get drunk off of two martini's.

Tony, You've got this a little backwards and I'm only telling you that because I also come from a divorced family and let me tell you....I WAS GLAD!! My mother (although I love her) is Bi-Polar / Manic Depressive and it was a glorious new beginning the day my father left her and took us with him. However!!! The battle had just begun as the courts have a tendency to lean with the Mother in these battles, fair or no. So, my suggestion would be to hire a lawyer (behind her back), get the Paternity Test done, Move out (and take anything with you that you don't want lost, burned, thrown away or sold), and THEN File for Divorce. I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm sorry this had to happen to you.