codaaurora

Okay, so after my Sunday morning get together with the ex, I went home and proceeded to start watching me phone. I know, I know...so unhealthy, but you know, what can you do? By Monday night when I still hadn't gotten a call, I stopped looking at the phone and prepared for another day. Then last night, out of the blue, a sametime from him and after saying just a few things to him (so not like me), I logged off without saying goodbye/goodnight (also very not like me). Then, half an hour later, he calls and leaves me a silly message on my phone. I didn't call him back. Then this morning, another silly message on my phone. I haven't called him back. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, however I realized something today. Before he met his 21 year "not gf", he was calling me every day, sometimes more than once, then he met her and for 3 1/2 weeks barely anything. Now I know for a fact that the "not gf" has stopped seeing him as of last week (probably around thursday or friday). So I'm feeling like I'm his comfort backup. But I don't want to be that, I want to be the one that he wants. So, anyone out there have any suggestions or comments? I don't want to completely ignore him, it wouldn't work on him, it would have the reverse affect. His messages to me were very sweet and funny if that helps at all, kind of like the joking around we did when we were together.

I'm going to agree with Riles on this one. I know whenever my ex calls, it takes me so off guard that all of my feelings for him come flying at me and even though my feelings are bad ones, I know I sometime come off sounding cold just to protect myself. Just be cool and brush it off.

It sounds to me that you not only need counselling but perhaps need to join a Addiction Anonymous group as well. You really need to take a look at what you wrote, you don't want to ruin your marriage but you want this other guy to know what it is that he is loosing. This tells me that you don't want to loose this other guy. But yet you don't want to ruin your marriage. Do you see the catch? I think you should go into therapy to learn why you are addicted to abusive relationships, to build your self confidence and self worth and to learn about healthy man/woman relationships. I also think that you should have your numbers changed. Good Luck.

shocked&dismayed Thank you so much for your kind words. You know, I'm finding this board to be cathartic. I find myself drifting here instead of to my phone. Purging my thoughts and feelings here, where others can read and respond is in some ways better than the journal that I keep (although I keep that up too). I'm sure that it also helps to know that I am not alone. There is no worse feeling in the world than the feeling that what you are experiencing is yours alone, no one will / would understand. I tried another board and all I kept getting was move on, move on, move on. There was no empathy or encouragement. Here, I have all of that in spades and thank God now for the Internet (I was cursing it for a while there as we met online back a LONG time ago!). Today is a little better than yesterday. I went home yesterday and didn't do anything that I should have done. I just wound up watching the CSI marathon on TV and smoking way too much. I purposely left my phone off and on the kitchen table, but everytime I walked by, I would catch myself checking it and not even realize I was doing it until I felt that drop in the pit of my stomach to find that he hadn't called. I have found that my creativity is coming back. I'm inspired to write more, have been faithfull to my journal, am working harder on my book and am enjoying my reading more and more.....but.....always, right there on the edge of my mind is him. I woke up in the middle of the night smelling his cologne. For a moment I thought we were back home and he was coming in to say goodnight before leaving for work. I cried for a half an hour, my poor Guinea Pigs thought I was dying! LOL I also read a book on the loss of love (through death or divorce or seperation) and even though it was written back in the 70's when I was just a kid, it still rings true. It's filled with these poems that just speak to me. It talks about how the road to healing is not a straight line, but one with mountainous ranges, you're up, you're down. I haven't been able to get to the photos and letters and cards from our time together, that's just too painful. I also haven't gone through my jewelry, I'm too afraid to touch it, my engagement ring is in there, it's like a Viper in my mind. Either way, I am working on myself, working on seeing my downfalls, my insecurities, my issues. I'm healing as fast as I can I guess you could say. I just hope that it happens in enough time that he can see it, before making one of his famous "rash decisions of the heart".

Listen to your inner self. If you are having these thoughts, there is a reason why. You may not be right for each other now....who knows what the future holds though? The definite thing here is that you are considering staying for the wrong reasons. We're human, we're built to be with others, our nature brings us together to form bonds and continue our lines (as a race, as a person). And it's definitely scary getting out there, alone, after the comfort of someone who knows you so well. But go you must if you ever hope of finding out what didn't make you two click and what WOULD work for you both in the future. Good luck with this, I know it's hard.

I have to agree with Cec here, have you thought about why she is an Ex? Have you thought about why she hasn't answered him, either she cares for him or she doesn't. Perhaps she may have been just waiting to see what you did in reaction to it, but how fair is that of her to the other person? Is she just so blinded by her need to marry someone, that she is willing to stake her future happiness on it? Either way, I think you should be honest and upfront with her about your feelings for her, but that you should also make known that you're just not at the point of being ready to get married (if this is your case and it sounds like it). Make sure that you tell her that this is a choice she has to make, either wait to see what happens between you two or get instant gratification with the other man. (6 months is pretty darn quick, so he may be rebound too) I bought that book at Border's for $15.00 and it was the best spent money! I don't regret it and read it often. It has really helped. While I still want my ex back more than anything, I am spending this time getting to know and be happy with me. The book goes over all of this, from sexual relations to healing yourself to getting your love back. It's a great help. I want you to know that I (and I'm sure other's as well) are there with you tonight. Be strong! You can do this! But leave the rose colored glasses in the car ok?

I just had to put in my two cents worth here.... I just came out of a LTR (8yrs) and my fiance and I were forced to live in the same environment until we were both financially able to live in separate places. I have to say, that if you can afford to move out now, do it. There is nothing more painful than seeing that person who so love and no longer loves you, every single day. Knowing that your going home to them and they don't love you, that your eating together and they don't love you, knowing that they are sleeping in the next room and they don't love you, hearing them sing, talk, BREATH and that they don't love you. This is the hardest thing in the world for the person being left behind. It may not be a big deal to you, you have slowly come to terms with your feelings of friendship towards this person. You have had time to let go, to realize what was wrong with the relationship, to come to terms with it's ending. Your "ex" has not. While he may have known there were problems, he might have thought them fixable. You need to understand that he needs space and time away from you to heal. The more he is around you, the more you make yourself available to him, the more a wrong impression he will get. Trust me, I know. You may think that you are trying to be "easy" on him, being his friend and spending time with him, but you're really just hurting him. The best way you can be his friend right now, is to give him space, in all meaning of words. If you truly care about him as a friend, you'll do this for him.

Nothing is final in this world. Sometimes two people aren't right for each other today, but who's to say about the future? There is no written law that says that once you see someone and break up, that's it, game over, no more chances for you two Bub. And his situation is different, she is conflicted and needed to make some decisions, maybe this proposal is waking her up. Too often we want something so badly that we put blinders on and forget to think about what is really important. I still say Good Luck! You'll have my hopes and prayers with you. Just stay Cool!

Just remember, when you go out tomorrow night, stay cool. You can do this! Honestly tell her how you feel but make sure that she knows that you cannot make up her mind for her.

Muneca, I was supposed to go out Friday night, but didn't because of other issues (not related to him), Saturday I got up early, went to the beauty parlor and got waxed, went home and colored my hair, and ate a piece of chocolate!! I also finished my apartment. I moved in at the beginning of Feb, but had not decorated or finished arranging things. I think a piece of me held on to the fact that this would make our split (final), if I had the place looking like a home then it meant it was really over. Well, Saturday I finished it. I hung up pictures and paintings, put out my knick knacks, and cleaned it up. It looks like a real home now. It made me happy. When he came over on Sunday morning (he was surprised that I was up and calling him so early), he kept looking around at things, he commented on how clean it was and said how great it looked. It always made me feel proud when he said those things. Getting a compliment from him really means something as he doesn't give them to just be nice. He gives them when he means them. So even though I felt down and depressed Sunday after it was over, I felt down and depressed in a HOME instead of a place to sleep in. The hardest part right now is that I keep checking my phone to see if he's called. I turn it off at work. I won't call him back if he does but I'm sitting here wondering. Is he not calling becuase his "not my girlfriend" girl came back from Vegas and decided to see him or is he not calling because she came back from Vegas and decided NOT to see him or is he not calling because he felt some attraction yesterday and doesn't want it to go any further? Killing myself with these questions and I KNOW I shouldn't be doing it, but it's human nature and this board helps. I can't tell you all how GLAD I am that I found this place. How wonderful this place is. How wonderful you all are. Thank you....

You know, about two weeks ago I bought this book called "How to love your lover back". It's a book designed to help you heal, to become the person you used to be/should have been all along and maybe, just maybe, win back your lover. One of the things that they said in there when something like this comes up, is that you cannot tell someone else what to do. Especially not in a situation like this. But what you can do, is let them know, that while you love them very much, would love to be with them again, you can't make this decision for them. They need to decide what's best for them. This is a horrible, scary proposition, you're basically telling them "Hey, I love you but it's ok if you want to run off with this other person and love them instead". That just KILLS. But you have to. You can't beg them to not do it, or cry it out, or beat it into them. Any advice you give is going to be taken with a 10 pound grain of salt, especially if it's "You shouldn't do this because of blah blah blah". You can point out a few good and bad points, but you must come back with not being the one who has to make the decision about their future happiness. But god I feel for you, I really do. This must be horrible. I found out last week that my ex thought he was falling in love with someone he just met 3 weeks ago and who is 14 years his junior (she's 21). I wish you all the luck in the world, and know that you have people out here who are thinking about you and standing by you while you go through this. Let that give you strength if nothing else can.

Also, can I just say......Why didn't he just call you? Why the email? Is he afraid of confrontation? Is he more of a writer than a talker? Does he want control back by making you make the phone call? Hmmm, questions questions.... I just wonder because this is how my ex always gave me bad news (or good news afterwards), not via email, but over the phone and in voicemails, I got to a point back before Christmas that I didn't even want to answer my phone or listen to my messages. But then again this was when we were breaking up so it was very hurtful and painful on both sides... Either way, his email definitely points to him having regrets.....but what kind of regrets? Is he afraid of being alone? Ask yourself these things and then decide what to do. Only you know him best. We can only point to what is on the surface. But as you know, first impressions can be deceiving.....

I agree with both here, while you may feel a need to respond for whatever reason (Guilt, indebtiness, love, power, not wanting to lose him), you need to first decide exactly what it is that you want. You can't do this if you are listening to him tell you what HE wants. If it were me, I would respond saying thank you and I do want to talk, but I first need to take some time to really think about what I want. Then leave it at that and go and THINK. Write out a pro and con list, write out what is acceptable to you and what isn't. Decide on what you want from a relationship. Someone on here told me that I need to realize that I deserve all of a man's attention, not just the left overs and that's what he was giving you. By having relationships with online girls (and this is cheating in it's own form), you were getting whatever was left over. I've been through that, don't do it. Either way, whatever decision you make is the right decision for you right now. Only you know what you need. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Well, I had the Birthday get together with him yesterday (Sunday) morning. Most of you were right, I a)Did put on a stellar performance and b) wasn't ready. LOL He immediately asked who had bought me a movie he saw that was new, I said that it was a gift and then asked if he was ready to go (trying to change an up-coming subject that I knew would be a battle) but he deflayed easily and started right in. "Oh, from Braaaad (he calls my friend Jason this because he's a dead ringer for Brad Pitt - we're just friends, he's too gorgeous for me, but still...)? When did he give it to you? What else did he give you? Have you been talking to him about me? I'll kick his *beep*." Sigh I didn't get mad though, I didn't blow up (like I normally would have), I just said, repeatedly, "Yes, your right, are we ready to go now?" just as southern girl sweet as I could. We wound up having breakfast and lunch, we watched a movie in between at my house (the resturant he wanted to eat at didn't open until 11pm and he had come over by 8:00am). Aside from his "I have a joking tone but am not joking" badgering over my friend Jason, we had a great, no fabulous time. We laughed and joked and...well...just had fun. I found out that he does have puppy love feelings for this girl and is defensive over her age, but aparently she is slowly dumping him. Afterwards, he walked me out to my car, thanked me for lunch and gave me a hard hug, we parted and I smiled and quickly turned away while he was trying to pat me on the head (old joke between us), I dodged it and started to walk away saying "BUH BYE NOW" and he laughed and followed me trying to pat my head, so I swerved, turned and tickled him. We stopped and I told him that I had a lot of fun, I was glad to have spent the time with him and we'll have to do it again in the future. He said definitely. However, I'm not going to be calling him. At all. I'm tired now, it was a hard day. I just wanted so badly to hold him or kiss him or something. But instead I kept smiling and laughing and when he asked if I was moving on, I was able to say, with confidence, yes. I spent all the rest of the day Sunday being sad and missing him, I woke up like that this morning. I know this will pass, I know I will get stronger, that I will heal, these things I know, I just wish someone would tell it to my heart. So now I begin NC. Let's see how long it is before he calls me. Wish me luck all.

IMO, this was a good email, you expressed how you felt and where you stood, however, you must keep in mind that she is young (no matter how mature she is for 23) and it seems like she is already wanting a free life, but is afraid of it as well. On the flip side, girls are more emotional while guys are more logical. She won't be able to just turn off her feelings for you. Once she has worked out her own personal issues, she will be better able to decide whether she is ready for love everlasting or not. Either way, your doing the right thing for you, which is the most important thing. I remember when I was 23 and I broke it off with a boy who was too clingy, a few months later, I started remembering all the great things he had done for me, how he had treated me like a real lady, a princess. I called him and apologized for letting go of someone so wonderful. My intentions were not to get back together with him, but I thought he should know how much I did appreciate him. We talked for a while and then I didn't see him or hear from him until my 24th birthday, he showed up where my friends and I were and he was so changed! So sure of himself, so confident! I was immediately attracted, but, unfortunately for me, he was already with someone. The good thing was, that he was happy, and I was happy for him.

I think about my HS sweetheart often. He was my first love and I still get butterflies whenever I see him. He's unhappily married and I know we could get together if I wanted to, but we weren't a good match then and he doesn't seem to have changed. We were both too strong willed and easy to temper. I would say though, that you should definitely ask her out. Take it slow, see where it goes. Call her up and tell her you had such a good time talking on St. Patty's day that you'd like to get together to do it again. Good luck! I hope it works out!

You know I saw a really good suggestion on another board, and thought I might pass it along. I know how hard it is to NC, I'm in the middle of struggling with it myself, but someone suggested that when the ex calls, do not return their call right away (if you absolutely cannot stick with NC for a long period of time), to call them back after a few days, keep it light and if asked just state that you've been busy (with a happy tone), and to keep it short with you ending the call. "Have to run...talk to you later". I know that this is hard to do, you want to call them right back, but if you take a step back and look at it logically, you'll see that while waiting hurts, it's best. By calling right back you are giving the upperhand, control and while this should not be about games, and it smacks like one, it's not. It's giving you control over something that you don't have much control over to begin with. You are not at his beck and call, you need to prove that to yourself. That you are in control of your life, not anyone else. That's what I'm learning here. Plus, it shows him that you are not sitting around waiting for him to call, even if you secretly are! LOL. I'm right there with you and feel your pain, sometimes that's all that we need, to know that we aren't alone.

He has been the one who had kept contact, up until he met that girl, he was calling me atleast two times a day, then after maybe once a week or twice in the past two weeks. He was very receptive to getting together Sunday and actually sounded excited about finding out what I got him. He kinda challenged me too, he wanted to make plans for friday, but I said I was busy, he said Saturday and I said that I wouldn't be available until that night, but was open Sunday. He wanted to do Sunday morning and I said ok, but he then said "Yeah, I know you, you'll sleep in and call me around noon", so I laughed and said that I would talk to him that morning and he said "Whatever, we'll see". I know that things are not going good in his new 3week relationship, as he is already feeling like he needs to play hard to get with her to get her more interested. I'm going out with friends and doing things for myself (writing, reading, working on my picture taking) and I'm not waiting for him or putting my life on hold. But I want him back. I need help with trying to make that happen. I need advice, so anything you can tell me I would appreciate. I honestly believe that there is still a chance of that. I just need a game plan.

I just spoke with a mutual friend of my ex's and she said my ex told her husband that he was in love with this 21 year old that he has known for 3 weeks. She said they told him he was a stupid horses butt. I just had to get out here and say how badly that hurt. I know it's not real love, I know he is caught up in the excitement and lust (she's his first since me). BUT omg how it does hurt. I want to scream at him for being so stupid, but I won't. I want to yell at him for thinking he could love something so shallow, but I won't. I'm staying nice. Today is his birthday, so I called to say Happy Birthday and we have plans for sunday but I think after Sunday, I'm going to go with the NC. The only problem is that we have pets together, that are like our children and I can't deny him from seeing them. So what should I do there? Should I play it coy too? Not call him at all and then when he does call (and he will) not call him back for a few days? HELP!

Wow, these are some great pieces of advice and I thank you all for it. I suppose though that I should say that we haven't fought at all in the past month. Every time we talk, it's a good talk, fun, light. Like we used to talk a long time ago, just not with the "I love you's". I didn't really bounce right into dating when all this happened. I went out with a friend from work who had recently had a bad break up. We went out maybe 4 or 5 times and once or twice he kissed me, but we both knew and understood that I wanted my Fiance and that he just wanted a friend. I was always upfront and honest about my feelings with my ex and still tell him that I love him and want to be with him. I guess, what I'm asking is, is there a hope for anything in the future? I've never been with someone that I wanted to go back to, so this is new to me. I felt I had finally found my other half, the ONE. I still believe that. But he can be so bullheaded, that when he decides something, he sticks to it, even if he changes his mind later and thinks better of it. Are there any men out there like this? What do you think? Is love different for you? Do you back down off of this stance and say hey, I love her, I don't care that I said that we would probably never get back together, I'm backing down off of that. That's a question I would like answered, is this possible?

I am hoping that someone out there can help me on this path I have chosen. I guess you will need some background first though. My ex-Fiance and I were together for almost 9 years, we never cheated on one another, even though sometimes the sex life wasn't the best, we started off wonderfully, got engaged, move out to Ca. to help his family after he got out of the Navy and then slowly our relationship started loosing it's strength. I know and recognize the problems, internally and externally. Finally, after waiting so long, I wanted to get married and start a family, he said we could start a family w/o getting married, I said he could but I couldn't, that's just not how I'm made. We have broken up several times over the course of our relationship and he always came back and things were always better, but still that distance remained. So now a little bit about him. I was his first real/true serious relationship. He had been engaged before but it ended after a year. He had dated very little before me and his social skills are not the greatest. He is shy and introverted but proud and stubborn. His feelings get hurt but he takes on a "F*&$ em" attitude if people don't like him, even though he would question me endlessly about why they didn't. He always had a new project to work on, something new to improve in his life. But always self improvement through books or videos', I would ask him if living life wouldn't teach him these things as well and he would always say that he was preparing himself first, getting his act together. Essentially, an extremely intelligent, gifted, motivated individual, scared half to death of socializing and commitment. We lived together for 7 of our 8 years together so you can imagine the pain I'm going through right now. My world is upside down. Well, here is the story. We had a very large fight. He had a girl from our office, that we are both friends with, over to the house without my knowledge, though when I called, he told me that she was there, they were working on our project for the office and to hurry home so that we could all get started. Being that he has no social skills at all, I knew he didn't understand why I would have a problem with a younger, more attractive, single girl in our house without me there (she had been over alot before) and not even tell me. Especially since he had never had anyone over before. So I yelled. Which he hates. He apologized, but I was so angry and hurt still, and to keep from yelling, I stayed away for a few days until I could calm down, coming home everynight, but late. Finally, on a Friday I went home early to talk to him and he had moved out, went to stay w/friends. We got back together after a lot of talking that weekend, but only on the understanding that we were just friends and wouldn't talk about the relationship for 6 weeks. I waited 8 and then asked him where we were, he changed the subject, I waited a few days and asked again, and again he changed the subject. So I finally told him that I was taking the ring off as it was a lie and I wasn't going to live a lie, that I would go out if asked but that I wanted to be with him more than anything else. Two days later I went out. He exploded, we fought, he cried (???!! He never does that!!) and said he knew how he had taken me for granted and was more attracted to me then ever because I was so confident in myself. We got back together for a few days and then WHAM, he said maybe we should see other people. Off again. All while living together. Fine, I went back to dating and he started learning all about Internet Dating and making snide, nasty comments about the guy I went out with. I pointed out that this was his decision, that I wanted to be with him. He began trying to win me back, working out, changing his hair, wearing cologne all the time, buying new clothes, it worked, we started going out again. But then he got too jealous over the other guy (who was really just a kissing buddy that I was already not wanting to see anymore) and I kept explaining to him that I would rather go out with him but he didn't want to talk about a future or a relationship. Then he started getting dates and the table switched, now I was the one getting mad and hurt. (We were still living together by the way). All the while he would tell me that he loved me more than anyone he had ever loved. That I had nothing to worry about. That he thought we would be together again, stronger and married. That he just needed to do this as he had never dated before me and he thought that was what was keeping him from commiting. And then, after Christmas and him spending time with a part of his family that are very manipulative, he started saying that he didn't know what the future held, even though he was getting stood up left and right. So I know it wasn't a girl changing his mind. Then, one day, he said that he loved me but wasn't IN love with me. That he didn't think we would ever be back together again and he began naming off things like my end of the chores and my not keeping the house and gaining weight as the problems. I was stupid and begged and cried and promised to change. We finally, in the beginning of Feb moved to our own separate places. He helped me move, he bought me things for the apartment. But he wouldn't take any of our photos, (except one of me that I found hidden in his stuff during the move), none of our pictures of his beloved pets which I got, and some of the more sentimental gifts that I had given him. He wouldn't even take some of his Navy or Collectible things, so I took them and told him when he wanted them, he could have them. (He lost all of his childhood things, baby pics, everything in a fire and has always regretted it). So here I am, he is dating some one 14 years younger than himself, told me he was getting serious with her after 3 days of KNOWING her and I still want him back. I have been trying a book I bought about loving your lover back to you. I have done my best for the NC but we still have a lot of things that are common (bills and such) that we have to continue talking for right now. But I have done my best not to call him first. I return his calls, and sometimes I wait a day to do it, but mostly it's him that calls. I'm really the only person that he can be his true crazy weird insane bull headed self around (even his mother agrees to this, she said most of the girls he dated before me couldn't stand it), so he calls and we joke and laugh and reminisce. Today he called and asked me to call him at 9 to make sure that he is awake for work. At first I asked him very sweetly why he didn't have his gf do this for him? And he said (after much mummbling) that she was not his gf and that he was not calling her so much as a ploy. I said, to get her more interested in you? He said yes. I then told him that he chose this life, that he can't always depend on me to do this for him, that I didn't want to be a part of his "ploy" with the gf. He got angry then and said fine that he wouldn't call me anymore or ask me to do these things for him anymore. Now I know that this is his way of keeping me available to him because he knows that I know how bullheaded he is and if he says something he MEANS it and that I don't want to loose contact with him for anything. I know I should have said no (I said that I would do it for him this time, was nice about it but firm) but I also know him. If he decides to not talk to me, he WON'T! I want to win him back. I think I have a chance to. I just need some support and help. Any guideance would be wonderful. Any advice. I love him so very much. I miss his laugh, his smile, his crazy antics, his eyes, the way he slept. Everything about him I love and miss. I don't honstly believe that he could tell me he loves me more than anything/one, cry for me to come back (Him??!! CRY??!!) and then less than a month later change his tune totally. Please help! How should I respond to him tonight? Tomorrow is his 35 birthday and I wrote him a story (I used to do this for him a long time ago) and offered to take him to dinner, we still have to do that but not sure when. I told him that I knew he probably had plans for his birthday and told him to let me know when was good for him and I would try to work something out. He knows that I am going out and doesn't seem to like it very much. I'm so confused!!! HELP!