delmar

Sweetie, you are spiraling and it won't be long before you start to lose control of your actions completely. Are you willing to run the risk of losing your husband to this fantasy relationship? It isn't real. Look at it for what it is: a game, an escape. You say that you want nothing more than what he is willing to give you, but here you are armed with expectations you have of him. For your own sake, cut ties with this guy and think about what you are lacking in your marriage and are probably not getting, so that you can ask for it. Do it now, before it's too late.

Yes, I know how hard it is to even consider the idea of cutting ties completely. The thought overwhelms and saddens me and is not necessarily something I'm quite ready for just yet. Not to mention, I am his niece's goddaughter and also feel very close to his mother still. She actually called me last month to catch up. Try not to worry so much about the outward perception of your possibly taking a little time away from the ex and her daughters. They must know how you feel about them, want you to be happy, and will expect that inevitably you will be taking bigger steps toward move on. I think it's healthy to reevaluate the true intentions of our actions every now and then though as sometimes they change without our fully realizing it. If you think staying in contact with her is stunting your progress, I believe, from what I can sense from you via message board, that you are strong enough to recognize this and follow up accordingly in order to free yourself of those ties and to protect your heart--but only if you think this is the case of course. Hang in.

I agree with what was already said above. Be your same, newly confident self, don't over-think things, keep your head up, and never let them see it affect you. Don't take THEM too seriously, as they do not define who YOU really are!! Hang in!

Yes, Brando, talking with him now after all this time and all we've been through, feels so very different. We're both the same people, but in many ways... we aren't anymore, ya know? My biggest fear is that in my quest to gain a new perspective on life and my outlook, to learn from my mistakes and insecurities, that I will grow complacent somehow. See, it's so easy to get caught up in our daily lives, friends, family, other people's problems, etc., and I'm concerned that I don't have a good enough handle on how to stay focused on what I need to take from this. Does this make sense?

I returned the call that night, he picked up. We talked about our week, and kept it light. I expressed some regret over having called him after a few drinks on Sunday. He had a sense of humor about it and told me there was nothing to be sorry about. We are friends and I don't look at us in "dumper/dumpee" terms. They're not even in my vocabulary. We are two people who committed ourselves to eachother at very young ages and who didn't give the other the opportunity to grow as individuals first, before entering into marriage. Fortunately for me, he knows who I really am and was before I shutdown emotionally and began to act out in the destructive ways that I did. I do not want to rush things along in any way. I'm not ready for that and I've already begun to take steps back (not calling as much). Sure, I'd love to spend more tme together, but he's made it clear that he's not interested or ready for that either. I will continue to work on myself, stay in touch with him maybe once or twice a week, and I'd also like to develop my ideas on how I can be a better partner, too. Along the way I know I will feel conflicted as to how to behave in this new level of our relationship. I don't want to overstep and don't yet have a clear sense of what is/isn't appropriate, in terms of how open we should be about our own separate lives, etc.

I just checked my voicemail after coming home from work and got a brief one from him calling to wish me a Happy St. Patty's Day. Btw, we aren't Irish, which I found sweet anyway. His tone seemed light and he seemed to chuckle as he got the words out. Anyway, not sure I should be returning his call. I'm second guessing a lot lately, and don't know what to do. Any thoughts? Btw, we've not spoken since I called him that Sunday night.

shocked&dismayed, I totally get how I may be coming accross right now as though I am taking the strain I caused b/w him and I for granted. I put him through a lot of emotional anguish and maybe I'm not adequately recounting the details(probably b/c I am still somewhat in shock and still very humiliated by what I did) in their entirety, but trust when I say that I am very much aware of the deep pain and confusion my actions caused due to my own selfishness. I beat myself up for a very long time, still do. The guilt and shame I felt was almost immobilizing... I completely understand why he has put up walls at this point and know that I need to proceed at his pace to some extent and gain back his trust. I don't dismiss the work it took for him to get where he is now and am very mindful of this, not to mention thankful that he is ok and doing great. Your comments made me wonder though if I am coming accross this way to him, too, though... Thank you for being so candid, your suggestions really hit home for me. I have actually been having second thoughts about being physically intimate with him any longer. It will help to keep things in perspective and will feel more special if we do end up back together. It's tempting though, and I know I will have to stick to my guns on that one. I have never found it difficult to get a reaction from him and he definitely initiates this sometimes. There is still that kind of energy b/w us. I've been seeing friends a lot more lately and have lots of assignments to work on, so I will not want for things to do/think about and will ease up on calling him as often, which I already have begun to do. We have always maintained that we will always be in eachother's lives, so maybe rebuilding a solid friendship (with occasional flirting) again is the way to go for now...

How wonderful for you! I'm a newbie so I'm not familiar with the events that brought you to this point in your life, but I am glad that things have worked out for you and thank you for sharing!

It's been a while since I've posted on my situation. Not too much has been happening, but also I think I needed to try to distance myself from the anxiety of it all for a bit. The ex and I actually did speak on the phone a week or so ago, in which I was able to better express some of the things I'd needed to tell him WITHOUT the excess emotion. It felt really good that he understood some of my lingering worries about not ur possibly not being able to get past some the trials of our history together and in effect might be holding back because of this. He assured me that he had made peace and come to terms with things long ago, and is somehow able to see both sides and how we both contributed to problems we had. He still maintained how he wants to take the time to see if anything will develop b/w he and this girl he is now seeing. I have to accept that. He had a birthday recently. I decided to send him a very simple gift in the mail with a card wishing him well and to enjoy day, etc. He called when he found it that evening on his doorstep. He seemed touch by it, we chatted a bit about the day, and I innocently made a comment about a possible birthday kiss in the foreseeable future. He responded just as playfully, which naturally felt like encouragement from my standpoint. No contact until 3 days later (last night) when I got home from having a light dinner and drinks with some co-workers just a wee bit tipsy. Tipsy enough to feel uninhibitted about calling him . He was actually really welcoming/receptive to my call. I was in a mood I guess and I think he sensed that, because of the call at such a late hour, yet he was the first one to first take the call to a more sensual direction. I totally took the bait, and we continued on with the teasing play talk, etc. He suggested he come over but I didn't follow up beyond just suggestive talking. I ended the conversation first (after about an hour) and went to sleep shortly after and that was that. Who knows what it all means if anything at all. I am much more calm lately though and try to keep things in perspective. Not calling him when I want to share my day, etc., is tough but it has helped me to do some soul searching and get on with things I need to do daily. I am a part-time student and this started out as a real distraction for me. The open-ended nature of our relationship was making me crazy, but taking a little more control of my behavior keeps me strong somehow. I

Today is tough. I'm trying to get into study mode as I need to submit a paper online today by 5pm to my professor. I miss my friend.

Well, we met up very quickly yesterday as I needed to get to my part-time evening job when he came by to drop pet carrier off. I looked out for his car through my front window so that he wouldn't have to find parking or get out and breathe in the cold air, etc. It was about 28 degrees and windy here yesterday, very cold. Anyways, feeling under the weather and all he naturally was not the most pleasant. I asked him what/how he was feeling. He opened up all the windows as if to air out his sick/cold germs from the car so I wouldn't get sick, but his tone of voice seemed abrupt as he then hastily told me "not to come too close" due to the cold, etc. It definitely took be aback--not sure if it was the cold talking or what, but I just kind of gave him a "whatever, dude" kind of look and left it alone, keeping my cool throughout, asking him about his symptoms. It was his tone-I think he realized it afterwards too. We had small talk (talked about his symptoms, asked me how I was doing) and he dropped me off close to subway so that he could make an easy entry onto the expressway back home. I rode the subway in to work feeling crushed and rejected. So, it was just an overall distant and kind of cold little exchange b/w us, considering we made love only last week. We have entered a territory I am not familiar with--the holding back, refraining from expressing a thought or a feeling, etc. It kills me how distant he can be with me, when just a few months ago it was ME who stopped him from greeting me with a kiss on the lips, and calling me "pretty girl" like he used to when we were together. It hurt too much to hear, when I want to see him more and he doesn't. Normally I would call to check up and see if he was feeling better, suggest rememdies, etc. But I think even that might get misinterpretted. If he really wants to reach me he will. This is so frustrating and realizing that I need to let him go right now hurts so much. I know in my head that it's what I need to do but my heart won't stop aching. You all are right. The ball's in his court. I just wish I knew if he is as confused as he says he was a few weeks ago or if there is even some small part of him that sees what we could be now that we have grown in the last 2 years.

vhshowdown, I try hard to collect my thoughts when around him, but I seem to have hard time pinpointing where to begin and how to approach the situation when there are usually big gaps in our seeing eachother. Also, I'm not altogether sure what exactly it is he's questioning about us. He will actually be over to drop off a pet carrier that I need for my cat's vet visit tomorrow. He took off today due to a cold. I'm dying to know what/if anything has developed between he and this person he is seeing. I know I don't have a right to ask, but at the same time, I wonder where I stand. Or maybe I should just be patient and wait until 1) he is feeling better and 2) when he is ready to initiate conversation. I need help guys--he'll be here in about an hour or so, what do I do? Thanks for listening.

I've been feeling like I'm getting a better handle on things in the last couple days. Up until now I'd been trying to devise ways in which to create an opportunity to interact in even the most insignificant of ways, i.e., approaching him with an instant message if I noticed him online, etc... This very often only served to make me feel like I was chasing him or manipulating the situation in some way when, for me, the ideal scenario would be to be 100% sure that he came to me because he missed me--the good, the bad and the ugly. I actually saw him over the weekend. He came to help out with my mother's move and I couldn't help but feel nostalgic watching him interact with my parents, aunt, sisters, their boyfriend/husband. I know he enjoyed being there (catching up, laughing, and joking around) as I wasn't expecting him to help out from start to finish the way he did, especially on a Saturday afternoon. But then he hadn't seen my mom in quite awhile so... We had just a few moments alone (the drive home in the car, etc) and he never made any mention about how it may've felt for him to be around all of us at once like old times and I didn't either. I remember making a kind of flirtatious inquiry about what he was wearing under the fleece pants he was wearing that day and he very stiffly replied," ...pants..." okayy?? lol... We said a very quick goodbye before exiting his car at the end of the afternoon and that was that. I am officially backing off after this weekend in terms of always being the one doing the calling. It's gonna kill me. I want to reconnect with him and he has me at arms length. Do you think this is the right way to go?

Wow, WEC, sounds like you have things right on track. I think the date was a good way to validate for yourself that your company IS indeed desired and appreciated, too! As for me, it's been a rollercoaster but starting next week I have resolved to pick myself up out of this awful anxiety I've been feeling. I will see him tomorrow as he wants to stop by my moms house (who is moving out of her house) to help out and offer himself, etc. I'm not even sure how I feel about that at this point. Anway, after that I will not be reaching out as much... not unless I see some effort to connect on his part. I actually invited him to a movie tonight and he turned me down--he's such a fart. Went anyways with a friend-- House of Flying Daggers-- very good. When you have a chance check out the latest.

vhshowdown--thanks for passing that quote on. It is good sound advice and I know I am strong enough to stay away to give it time. I worry though sometimes that it will send the wrong message. There is still so much that needs to be said on my end and I am caught between giving him the space he needs (not being pushy) and being more aggressive to let him know where I stand. DreamLilies--I wonder though, if I stayed away too long would he get used to not seeing/hearing from me... But then if he does, I guess it will finally let me know if we are headed anywhere together and whether or not our bond is strong enough to stand this test. I have to practice being more patient and not think too much about his friendship/relationship with other people. Piece of cake! It all sounds perfectly logical, but is sooo hard to carry out. I am getting tired of doing the reaching out thing though. He seems to just be floating into neutral territory. Perhaps he doesn't want to be involved with anyone as his behavior is kind of half-assed all over the map, which is actually kind of a turn off.