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codaaurora

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  1. codaaurora
    Okay hon, do this, take a moment and read the above statements. Now take a step back and look at it from outside yourself. 1) You get angry when she doesn't respond. In a regular friendship, you would naturally be upset, but in a vague distracted kind of way. Anger to the point of wanting discontinue any contact though........ 2) "The only thing is, it's been 2 months since she left, and i'm pretty well over her". Sorry to disagree with you here, but you are no where near over her. Two months is not enough time. Dating other people before you can be by yourself and happy with it is the wrong choice. 3) "moving out to be with her". I wouldn't do this for my best friend, but I would for the person I love and want to be with, whether I would admit it or not. I don't mean to sound like a know it all and I don't want to go against what you said. Only you know yourself, but what your saying is a tad contradictory yes? What I would suggest you do, and it's only my opinion and in no means the end all be all of everything, but I suggest you initiate NC with her and then maybe take a break from dating. Spend some time alone. Read. Watch a movie. Write. Learn something new. Take a class. Do whatever you need to do, but for yourself with no intentions of anything. And remember, we're all in this together!
  2. codaaurora
    VHS - - Don't you DARE sleep with her or let her come over or go to her place no matter what!!! [-( It's just not right at this point! You've been doing so good and your posts are so much more upbeat. Give it some more time. Do you think there is anyway of putting off giving this stuff over? Or how about having a friend call you away? You need to be able to keep this short, sweet, and to the point. Anything more will put you in a place that you don't want to be. I know that I am not going to see my ex for a while, no matter what. Mainly because I am happier right now and have been remaining that way. The rollercoaster is finally slowing down. Seeing him now would start it back up again. Heck, I'll call you if you need someone to call!!! And I've been told that I have a 900 phone voice!! LOL, jk. You get my point. Make this easy on you ok? Keefy, hon, your doing great! Just remember tho, your feeling this now, but prepare yourself for the down time too. You will have it. It'll get less and less frequent and won't hurt so bad each time, but you will have them. I too think the first paragraph was was maybe too much too soon, but you got your point accross without being dramatic about it. I read it as more funny and semi-sarcastic, but perhaps that's a girls point of view. Either way, you need to take care of yourself for right now. Become stronger and whole, then worry about her. You both are such wonderful, strong men, confident in your emotions and the realization that it's ok to have them. Trust me, if your ex's don't want you back, there is going to be a girl out there who will recongize how wonderful these qualities are and respect you and love you as you deserve. I'm so glad to have friends like you both on my side.
  3. codaaurora
    You know the best advice I can give, is to stop getting angry over it. Think of it this way... You are a fisherman and are using a net to pull in your fish. But your net has a hole it in and the fish keep slipping out. Do you get angry with the fish for not staying in the net? No, you would repair the net and begin again. Your soul/psyche is like that net. You're allowing her inactions to control your emotions and thereforeeee behave in a manner that you don't even like. What you should do first, is work on yourself. Stop worrying about her and be more concerned with yourself. Take care and heal. How can you expect to be a good friend to someone else, if you can't even be a friend to yourself? Try this one: Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us. Take care and know that we are here for you...and that we are all going through it. I know that I am. My ex, after weeks of him calling me constantly, now won't. I have an idea of why, he's afraid that he's getting close to me again and is bull headed enough to want to try and stick by his "We're not together and probably never will be again" montra.
  4. codaaurora
    To be honest, it could be any number of things. Without knowing all the specifics, all I (we) can do is speculate. 1) She could really mean it, or atleast think she does. Especially if she is going through some very emotional times. If this is true, then she really does need the space and is being as honest with you as she can. She may not even totally understand the reason herself, just the need to be alone. In this case, let her know that you disagree with her and that while you know she needs some space and time, you want her to know how you feel and (if you can) that you will be there to help her. 2) She doesn't want to be with you anymore for whatever reason she has (you didn't put the cap back on the toothpaste, you chew with your mouth open, your too short, your too tall, etc.) but doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so lets you down as easily as she can. *Addendum, she may not have the nerve to tell you the truth either and is telling you this to make it easier on herself. 3) She is interested in/seeing someone else and doesn't want to tell you or doesn't have the nerve too. Either way, she is asking for space. Now are you able to do this? Can you express to her your feelings in a calm manner and then let her go? You know, things might work out in the future between you two, however, I can guarantee that you will never get back together or stay together unless you respect her wishes for now. I hope this helps you in some way. Just remember, we are all here for one another.
  5. codaaurora
    Keefy, I would have to say that your email was an excellent one as well! You did and said everything that my book (the How to Love your Lover back....thats the one I told you about?) said you should do. Keep it light hearted but let them know how you feel. I tried to follow that in my email, but since I haven't spoken to him in a week and because he seems to be going through some emotional problems, I didn't want to push the issue, so didn't bring up my feelings at all. I don't know, I've been really happy lately. I've been remembering all the boys that used to like me before the ex and how great that felt. During the last few months, I think the hardest thought I had was that no one would ever want me again and that I would die alone and unloved. Now, I don't know, I don't really see that happening to me, but then again, if it does, I know that I will be okay living alone. I'm having fun now. I'm enjoying my life. I do what I want to do and watch what I want to watch and cook what I like to eat and clean when i want to clean. I don't have to answer to anyone now except for my two guinea pigs (and let me tell ya, they can be demanding!). Anyway, hang in there! Your doing great! Just remember, we're all here for you!
  6. codaaurora
    Thank you so much for your fast reply Keefy, I'm so glad to see that I did good for once! LOL I actually am feeling alot better lately. Happier. I still miss him and love him, but here come of lately, I've been watching alot of "love" movies and while those glorify love and make it very unrealistic, I realized how much from those I have been missing. He didn't really treat me like I was his lady. He treated me more like a best friend with benefits. I know that he loved me, but was it enough for me? Maybe this is what was causing our problems? Maybe I was feeling the inadequacy of the relationship and was showing it subtle ways? Who knows? I just know that now is my chance to meet the Mr. Darcy's of the world and see if one can love me "just as I am". LOL How are things going with you anyway? How are you doing? I haven't had a chance to read your journal, I'm going there now.
  7. codaaurora
    I am so sorry that you had to see/deal with this right now. It was bound to happen but still, that doesn't really help when it does and there is no way you can prepare yourself for it. I remember back some time ago, when my ex and I were still seeing each other but dating other people. I was out with some friends, a guy was amongst our group who was very attractive, but I wasn't "with" him. We went to see a movie and who shows up with a date that I couldn't even BEGIN to compare too? I got so upset that I had to leave, I went home and tried to read, watch a movie, anything to take my mind off of it. Finally, I wound up just going to bed. Sleep, it seems, can be natures best remedy for a broken heart. Just remember not to sleep your life away and make sure that you take care of yourself. Good luck, we are all here for you....
  8. codaaurora
    Okay, I know that I am doing NC, but I was really worried about my ex, as he didn't even contact his family yesterday for Easter. They called me asking if I knew how he was. I felt so bad for them, and even though this is his issue and his family, I still love them and him. Plus, they didn't break up with me, he did. They still call to see how I am doing and ask me to go places with them (I don't though, that would be too uncomfortable, but I do go visit his Mother occasionally). Anyway, I was really worried and wanted to make sure that he was ok without sounding like I needed him/missed him. So I wrote this email and would like your opinion on it. "Hey! I figured that this would be the best place to get you, seeing as how you don't answer your phones or email now...DORK! I just wanted to check and see how you were, did you have a good Easter? The Guineas got a lot of treats yesterday and it was Guineas Gone Wild all over again! I put treats all over the living room for them and let them go on a Treat Hunt! Puff found most of them, but then Daisy stole most anyway! LOL Anyway, keep in touch, I don't have Leprosy or anything you know! LOL Everything is going really good here, and I hope it's going good for you too! *****(just my name, no love or anything). Okay, so lay it on me people. Was this bad? I told his mom I would let her know if I heard anything from him. I didn't want him to know that I went over there yesterday (it's none of his business).
  9. codaaurora
    Thank you both so much! I was feeling especially down and blue that day, after 5 days of NC, it was really starting to get ot me. Today though, today I am better! I enjoyed Easter with my ex's Mom (she invited me over after not hearing from him for a week). I had fun talking to her about stupid stuff. We didn't discuss the ex except for once and she said how she wished we could work it out, but she wants what's best for us both. I don't know, I just feel good today. I hardly thought about him at all. That's a GREAT thing! VHS - - SHOW ME THE MONEY!!! I love that movie! It cracks me up! But then again, Tom ain't looking that bed in the movie either! LOL Happy Easter to all of you out there!
  10. codaaurora
    I sit here, thinking of you, like I have all day long. The TV is on, but I don't see it, not really. I sit here, thinking you. Wondering where you are. Wondering who you are with. Is she blond? Is she skinny? Does she make you laugh like I used to do. Are you crazy for her? Are you falling in love with her? I sit here, thinking of you and who you are with. Will she be the type of person that makes you feel you need to hide your true self from. Is she the type of person who will allow you to be yourself and feel conident and true? Will she love your quirky behaviour? Will she laugh at your silly jokes? I sit here, thinking of you. I'm wondering if you will meet someone new. Someone who will make you, help you, be a better person. The person you always were or should have been? Does she complete you the way you said I completed you? Do you watch Jerry MaGuire together? I sit here, thinking of you and who you are holding. Will this girl ever love you like I do? Will she sit in a room and watch you sleep just for the sheer joy of it? Will she steal glances at you when you don't know she is looking? Will her heart race when you are near, like mine did? Will she see you for the beautiful person you are? I sit here, thinking of you. Now the tears are coming. After so long a time, how can they be coming again? Didn't I say goodbye to them so long ago? Didn't I tell someone yesterday that I was better, happier? Wasn't that me? Why MUST I sit here waiting to see if you will call and knowing that you won't? Why can't I get over this? Move on? Why must your face appear in my thoughts just when I least expect it? I sit here, thinking of you and wondering if you are sitting somewhere, thinking of me.
  11. codaaurora
    Be strong, stay in touch with your feelings, don't forget this behaviour of his and NC. It's ok, we're here for you. We feel the pain you feel. It'll be ok in the long run!
  12. codaaurora
    Well, after a lot of thought and reflection, I've decided not to tell my ex what I am doing. Here are my reason's. 1) I know him better than anyone, he will be offended and take it the wrong way, he'll read more into it than is there and will think that I don't want him in my life at all, forever (which is not what I want). 2) Why does he need to know? I'm not with him anymore, he's not my fiance anymore. I don't answer to him anymore. I'm a grown woman and can decide to speak with him or not, without explaining myself and every little thing to him. 3) If he wants to know what's going on, he can bloody well call me and ask me. Then, I will call him when I'm ready to. On my terms. 4) Let him get a taste of life without me, without me to turn to or to do things for him or give him advice or to make him laugh or to relive the past with. Let him take this time not having me to decide if he likes it or not. 5) I don't feel like it. LOL It sort of defeats the purpose of calling him or writing him to tell him this is my plan. So these are my feelings for today. I'm sure they will change as my feelings and emotions are tending to do here come of late.
  13. codaaurora
    The best thing that you can do for yourself and is to keep your distance and give yourself time to heal. This will also give her time to get her mind clear and see what it is that she WANTS instead of NEEDS (like instant gratification). Good Luck and remember, we're all going through it and are here for you.
  14. codaaurora
    Yes, this is true, but I wasn't saying for him to treat love like a game or even life like one. It's an ANALOGY. The Game of Life. This is an old saying and a TRUE one. We are all pieces in a game, making decisions. And that is all a true game is, making decisions. Some play to win, other's play for the fun of it, some play to spite others, some play to learn new things. But play should not be taken as the childish word of "Play", but rather as to another meaning of Life and Living. So, lets say it again. No, I do not think that love is a "game" in which to play with others emotions/lives. Yes, I think it is LIKE a game in all sense of the word ANALOGY. But I do agree with you that some people will use NC to help them win the other person back or in the hopes of it. I am using NC righ now as well. However, I am using it for a number of reasons. To give myself time to heal and decide what I want as a person. To give myself space and to learn to be alone again. To give HIM a chance to see what not having me in his life is like and whether this is important to him or not. If we should get back together, excellent! If not, I have accomplished part of my goal, to heal.
  15. codaaurora
    Well Hockeyboy, All life is a game if you think about it. Every decision you make is like a strategy to get you closer to whatever it is you want, a better job, a better car, a good relationship, to win the "game". When she calls him, he needs to decide if he wants to take her call or not, to decide whether or not to call her back, to decide if he should EVER call her back, to decide that if he does call her back...what should he say and how should he say it, to decide if he is emotionally prepared to even deal with her right now. These decisions are all like moving pieces accross a board. I believe the word "analogy" would suffice here.
  16. codaaurora
    Way to go VHS!! It's exactly like Chess! Ooooo Wizards Chess! As sometimes, we do get hurt (emotionally) so play your pieces carefully!
  17. codaaurora
    I would like to say that this is a great point, but I'm going to take a step further. Sometimes in a relationship, you may contribute to it's end just by being you. Your personality, your way of handling things, all of these things may contribute and they are beyond something that you want to change and or control (unless they truly need changing, like your a controlling manipulating personality or have anger issues). Here's an example, a friend of mine is the sweetest girl I know, she is always willing to help other people out, is soft spoken and kind. She does stand up for herself, but probably not as often as other people would like. She says that she picks her battles wisely and lets the rest go. Her bf of 2 years started complaining that she was a doormat. Now this wasn't true of her, but he was SO much of a strong personality, he saw anything less as a weakness. He broke up with her for the very reason why he started seeing her, her sweet nature. It was too sweet for him to deal with. I don't know if he had thought he could change her or that she could change him to be a softer person, but either way, it ended. Sometimes in life, things end for reasons that are beyond our control. What we need to do is understand the reasons why, so that we don't make the same decisions in the future. Example: The next boy my friend dated was more laid back, less quick to judge things or people, had a philanthropic nature. They wound up getting married and are my example of the perfect couple. Once we understand the reasons why a relationship failed, whether do to something that we did or did not do, will help us to make more informed decisions on the type of people that we date in the future.
  18. codaaurora
    I hate to say this, but it sounds to me like she is using you. More than likely she does love you or atleast care about you in her own little way, but not enough to make you the only one in her life. She may be doing what she can to keep you interested as a back up (I hate to say it but yes, women do that). You need to show her that you are not the safe and dependable guy who will be around when her boyfriend is out with the guys or not available to her. I know this is so hard when the other person is giving you the "signals" that you want, but if they aren't backing it up with actions and words than all those signals are nothing but smoke. I'm going through the same thing myself. Everytime my ex gets lonely or dumped, he starts calling me again. It felt so good each time because I was blind to the reason why he was doing it, each time, I thought because of his "signals" that there was hope and we were headed somewhere. But really, he was lonely and knew that I would be there to fill that void and make him laugh and enjoy life like only I can. Well, I'm taking that away from him. With the courage and support that I have gained here, I hope to succeed. You can too! Institute NC. Come here and write to one of us when you feel the need to call her or answer her calls or allow her to come over. Keep an online Journal here, let the rest of us share in what your going through and help you get through it. Get out with friends, treat yourself to a movie or a new book, do whatever you like to do. Keep busy is the best advice. But also, don't ignore you pain either, that's not healthy. Lean into your pain, own it, but in appropriate times or places. Set aside time to think about the situation and try to see it for what it is. Ask advice here. Cry. This is what I'm doing now, and I think it's working. Try it for yourself. And Good Luck!
  19. codaaurora
    Well, I'm going to try to institute NC, but my question is...should you tell the other person that this is what you are going to be doing? Should you let them know that you just need some time away from them, to help you heal? For more info behind my story go to: link removed I don't really want NC, but I also want to be with him again and I don't think me talking to him after he calls (he calls or writes a message and I respond after a day or so) is really giving him a chance to miss me instead of missing being with someone (anyone). Plus, the girl that he was seeing for almost a month (the 21 year old I talked about in the other post) dumped him last week and now all of the sudden he's back to calling me. So what is your take on this? Keep in mind he is pridefull, bull-headed and will play the martyr if he feels wronged. I love him but my goodness he can be a pain in the bottom!
  20. codaaurora
    I think you should really take this time and think about what you want to do. Do you want to try and make things work with this girl, do you see the possiblity of a future with her? You know, I was seeing someone once and he moved closure to me so that we could give it a try. Both of us understood that his moving did not mean that we were definitely going to get married, but that we cared enough about each other to try it. He looked at the move like an adventure and we had a great time together. After a while though, we realized that we weren't meant to be together, we had different values and perspective. Neither one of us regretted trying it. What you need to decide, can you be happy with her (not does she make you happy because only YOU can make yourself happy) but does being WITH her make you happy? You can make a LDR (long distance relationship) work if you truly wish to. It's been done and is being done right now. It takes dedication and a lot of hard work though. Look at it this way, you say that you only see her on the weekends and not during the week. Couldn't this be contrued as long distance? There is a long distance between your visiting together....is this working for you now or do you need more from your present relationship.
  21. codaaurora
    You know, I wanted to say this on the board so other's can see it and understand. Too often in a LTR with one person being laid back and easy going (me) and the other being strong willed and one way highway mentality (him) you begin to loose yourself in trying to help the other person live their life to the best of their ability. Somewhere along the way, you realize that you are not who you used to be, the person you loved, the person he/she fell in love with. You are no longer in a working/healthy relationship and your hating it and yourself for being weak. So you might not think you're taking it out on the other person, but you are in ways that you might not see. I stopped doing the housework the way I should have, I stopped worrying about working out, I stopped being interested in a lot of things that I know drew him to me. My vivacity, my spirit, my spark. All gone, wrapped up in him. WHY?? To "ensure" the continuation of my relationship, I had lost so much of my self that I was insecure and was afraid of loosing him, so I put more of myself into him and lost more of who I was. AND GUESS WHAT? The thing I feared most....happened! I lost him. Granted maybe not for good, but then again, maybe so. Either way, I'm learning a hard lesson from this. I need to stop trying to be what someone else wants and start being me. I learned all of this from the strength, guidance and empathy I've been shown on this board. S&D, Muneca, all of you who have helped, thank you. Thank you for standing beside me while I tried so desperately to understand anything/everything. I know, that no matter what happens, I have a place to turn to in my time of need.
  22. codaaurora
    You know, the more the day wore on, the more I started thinking just that to myself S&D. Just who DOES he think he his? He's not my fiance anymore, I am not required to call him back. There's no law saying that I have to. And for that matter, where WAS he for three weeks?? With that other girl and now that she is gone, he's alone again and he hates being alone. I believe that he is terrified of it and not able to face it. So him calling me is just that, "he has time on his hands" and doesn't like to be alone with it. I don't want that. I love him and want him back, but I also want to be with someone who's calling me to talk to me FOR me, not because I'm a warm voice that can help him relive the happy days of the past and make him laugh until the next hot young chick comes along. I'm beginging to realize that I've been giving myself the short end of the stick. I'm not gorgeous but I'm pretty and I have a great personality/ intelligence and I deserve to have someone want to be with me because of these things. So I sent him a text. I'm not even going to worry about whether or not he received it. I'm going to institute HCNC. I think your right S&D and I think I knew it all along. I used to be this strong willed girl, who would jump on a horse, no briddle, no saddle and just ride the wind with him, chasing shadows and the horizon. Where the heck did that girl go??? Sitting around wondering when/if "HE" is going to call? What am I doing??? I love him and want to be with him, but not so much that I am willing to give up who I am and that's just what I did. Thank you both.
  23. codaaurora
    Well, you first need to decide if you are not happy because of some internal conflict with yourself or with your girlfriend. It's obvious that you care very much for her and want to do what's right for you both, but I would think that this would be the first step. The reason I say this is because she is going to want to know why and while you cannot tell her definitely as you do not know yourself, you need to atleast know a piece of the source of your unhappiness. Essentially though, if you are feeling that you need space, then that is what you need. If you are willing to take the chance at future happiness but also the chance that it might not be with her (either because you figured this out yourself or because she moved on before you were ready), then this is the wisest course for you. If you explain it in a way that does not put her on the defensive or make her feel like you're just spewing cliches (It's not you, it's me - which doesn't explain a whole lot and frustrates the other person.) Find a way that explains how you feel and what your goal is. Explain that you don't really know why you are feeling this way but your committed enough to both of your happiness to find out. I had mine tell me this back in December and it just about killed me, however, he had really thought it out and while I was hurt, because he was better able to express himself about his feelings and his goal, I did not hold it against him. I couldn't. How could you when someone is being so brutally honest and sincere with not only themself but you as well? Good luck with that...
  24. codaaurora
    Muneca, Thank you so much for the reply! I think you're right! Sunday I was bubbly and animated and laughing and having fun. Playing with him, joking with him, bringing back memories and looking at him like I know I used to. So now I need to continue it, but on my own terms yes? Instead of calling him back, I just sent him a text with a little silly message (the one I used to always reply with) and a smiley face. No I love you's or anything sappy though. Sound good? Now, do not call him right? I've responded....Let him call me? I HATE this, so much easier with someone new because at this age you can just BE yourself and not worry about. But in this situation, you are almost restricted, treading carefully. Love is stupid sometimes! LOL
  25. codaaurora
    I have to say here, that while this Quote is valid, it's just as valid to say that some people can and do behave immaturely in situations where they feel insecure or scared. Which is more mature...taking some responsiblity for yourself and your actions by just saying "I'm not ready to talk, please give me some space" or by just refusing to acknowledge that the other person is Tryingto make ammends. I realize that speaking with someone whom you care about and who has hurt you deeply is hard, and you really do not have any obligations to speak with them, it's still common curtesy. Why not rise above the action and be the better person?
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