bluelea

Just an update - we are in therapy and many things have come to light. The Emotional aspect was not as much as I imagined it to be. I believe he would have left when I opened the door for him if he was that emotionally tied to her. He didn't and he receives free legal (through his Union) so he could have filed. We are working things out but only time will tell. We are moving on and agree to save discussions for when we are at Therapy. Thanks for all your help and advise and I will keep updates! Bluelea

I have a suggestion though. Try making this a private matter between you and him and the therapists and resist making negative comments about him to his friends and family. It is really none of their business... as this is YOUR (his and yours) marriage... because when all this is said and done and if you chose to stay together.... these are people you will want to socialize with.. right? You also don't want to start losing friends over this. Sometimes this kind of situation has people choosing sides, other times it just serves to drive them away as they don't want to get involved. Chose one close friend to confide in...or two.. I'm sure you will need them. People you can trust and that will still be there for you when/if this works out for you guys. They only found out about the site because that night when the woman called me they were there and I did blow up at him in front of them, for which I apologized to them for my outburst. Since then nothing has been said to them at all at least not from me. His mother was away when this all happened and things were rehashed when she returned. I am here because I am not speaking with anyone, I have seen friends go through troubles and some friends just can't forget or even forgive the one who has caused the hurt. IMHO the less who know the better for rebuilding. I thank you again for your advice it's been a great help! Bluelea

I know I need to put this behind me. I want total honesty and I don't feel I am getting it here. I feel if we are going to start over all feelings should be out and dealt with in order to succeed. I feel anything held back will later come back and cause problems. Hopefully therapy will bring it all out - I know I am being inpatient and am trying. Now to answer more on me: I became angry with myself over the last year for allowing myself to do what he wanted me to do - to keep him happy, I quit my wonderful job (financially made more than him), so that I could stay home and be the "wife" he wanted. I hate being home and want to go back to work but he always has restrictions (he's also controlling at times). His dream was to be successful enough to be a sole provider. When I talked about work he argues and doesn't want me to take on a position with too much responsibility because that will take time away from the home and him. But to take a no brainer as he calls it frustrates me (I tried this). I guess I have been going through my own mid-life crisis and started to resent him which made me grow distant. I know my part in this as well and realize I am more angry at myself. He's always had this "thing" about being a "provider" and I always felt the carriage moves easier with two horses pulling than with one. I lost myself in this relationship assuring him throughout that he was the only love for me and when I grew distant he stepped out. Though I thought I was communicating he saw it as me not loving him anymore and I can understand but again, does not excuse what he did. Part of me wishes he would have gone that night I found out - at least I could begin closure and put it behind me and begin to move on. I would have known for sure how he felt. Staying here with me and trying should give me closure I KNOW! I just know how strongly he feels about being "accepted" a big insecurity of his and my heart says he does love me but my brain is telling me it's just easier to stay. If he left he risks losing his friends and family, he seemed more upset that his friends found out he was on that site because they then knew he lied as to "why he really did what he did" and that he is some sexual deviate. His family is so fed up with him because he is placing blame on his childhood to a large degree but again, he's 38 and knows right from wrong. I also feel a bomb could be dropped at any moment. My friend said if I don't move on I may make him realize just how much he did care for her and he could then leave! OK - so why would I want someone who in a month or two (or longer) might realize she is what he really wants? Now I have to deal with my own insecurities as a result of all this. I know I have to have blind faith and it's hard but I am trying and want to say thanks again to all of you who have responded. Believe it or not just putting my thoughts out there and getting feedback really is helping me. Thanks again you all have been great! Bluelea

Speaking as the wife of a married man who had an affair - please have more respect for yourself. Get with someone who wants to be with you because of you not because he has some issues he needs to work out or looking for a quick sex fling. If that doesn't help - how would you feel if you were his unsuspecting wife and found out that some "bimbo" and that's what you would be known as, knew he was married and didn't care anyway. Too many people will get hurt. Yeah, he likes you - he likes you for what he thinks you can give him... Again, have some more respect for yourself. Bluelea

Thank you all so much and just to clear things up a bit. I did ask for a divorce only way after he had already started the affair. I did say I am also going into therapy as for we did discuss where we were both went wrong. I take my responsibility for allowing my marriage to go astray but DO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY or Blame for him cheating. There is no excuse - he could have said "We have a serious problem here", or he could have asked for a divorce 7 months prior. He knows right from wrong and chose the latter. I asked for a divorce as I said we had grown apart and I really did not feel like I care. Hence, where I say "I don't care right"? When going through the truck - that's when I knew I DID care. I've known my husband since he was 10 years old and know his family well. His family was dysfunctional and to a degree he was a product of his environment, however, I do not excuse behavior but instead try to understand it. He did have a drug problem prior to us marrying - I believe he has traded one addiction for another - sex for drugs which is what I told his therapist. The chase and the conquer another high perhaps? I also feel that he takes the physical sexual attraction as the core of someone loving him - don't know why but hopefully will get some answers as he continues with therapy. I just don't know what to believe as far as his involvement with this person. Could someone be so cunning and lie so very well just for sex? He says it was like he was on drugs again - you say and do anything to get your next fix. If this be the case - yes, we are in for a long hall and only time will tell if we have what it takes. My question still is - could he have no feelings for this woman and really go to all those extremes of lying just for sex or did he really love her? I may never know the truth and don't know if I will be able to move on without really knowing but I will try in therapy and any help from you all would be more than welcomed! Thanks again and there are THREE sides to every story - his side, her side and then the absolute truth Bluelea

hope someone can help. Trying to make this short but don't want to leave out important info. 1. Husband and I have been married for 15 years (I cannot have children due to a botched surgery). 2. Last six months have not been good and have grown distant. 3. Husband flies off handle over little things, working more hours and I don't mind when he's not home - actually relieved when not home. 4. I ask for a divorce in beginning of February. He asks if there's someone else I tell him no. He asks is there any hope and I say no. He gets mad and goes outside. Comes back in and we talk amicably and since we haven't had sex since the middle of January I ask him if there's someone else because I know he can't go that long without. He swears on his mother there isn't. I doubt him because of his sexual appetite and he's taking this too calmly which can only mean he has someone waiting or in mind. 5. He cancelled cell phone in January so we could save money. I find this strange because he would freak if he couldn't find his phone. But, I don't really care at this point (or so I thought I didn't care). 6. We decide we will live together amicably until we can get a price for our property that will benefit us the best. 7. He starts coming home late from work - going out on the weekends, I don't ask when you coming home or where you are going - afterall we are getting divorced. 8. Valentines day comes no cards or gifts - we are getting divorced he comes home late. 9. My birthday comes no mention of it - he comes home late and says "oh btw happy birthday". 10. Snow storm comes, he left his windows open in his truck I go out to shut them. I notice what looks like the back of a card with his footprint on it on the floor. It's a valentines day card from a woman. Ok - I don't care right? I go through the entire truck find another card stuffed in the side panel (crinkled) two love notes and cd's along with their lyrics. He calls late and says he's staying in NY (where he works) because of the weather - I tell him "come home I need you home". The call came in through a private line (caller id). 5 minutes go by - he calls again "is there something wrong with my mother or your mother, our family? I can't drive like that". I say just come home and hang up. He comes home and I confront him. He denies until I laugh and start quoting her notes. I ask the usual questions - how long, where did you meet, who is she, do you love her since her notes spoke of her being a smitten kitten and so totally in love. I said she's not even pretty and he said don't judge a book by it's cover. He said she's a social worker with 2 masters degrees, helps abused children and they on the train (to ny) where she was attending a seminar. She gave him her number and he told her he didn't think his wife would appreciate it. Then he saw her on the train two days later and they started talking and he met with her a few times and hung out. He said he did not sleep with her until he stopped sleeping with me (they met in November). He made her out to be very reputable and that she just had to be with him. I said ok let's not judge a book by it's cover. She meets you on the train for a 10 minute ride and she gives you her number even though she knows your married. She presists and even though she knows you are married still wants to be with you because you are just that special? He said yes. Ok - nice girl you got there and if you think you are that special that she could fall madly in love with you after only knowing you on a crowded train for 10 minutes you do need help. I ask him if loved her - he said NO! I said did you ever tell her you did? He said no, she kept telling him she did but he kept saying you don't even know me and I don't know you that well. I asked if he had a key to her apartment and he said NO. I said then why did one letter say "Hey hon, make yourself at HOME, here's everything you need "cd's and viagra". He then admitted he did, but she just gave it to him a few weeks ago. I asked him how he communicated with her, he said he would call from a pay phone and she would call him back. I said she didn't get you a cell phone - he said NO. He said he just was looking for sex and she would do things I wouldn't do but she was to needy and when he wasn't around or if he didn't call her for a few days she would go sleep with someone else. He said he could never be with someone like that and it really meant nothing. He said he used protection. He said you didn't care anymore. I said well, if you want to be with her there's the door and he said he didn't want too. He said he would like to do as we agreed with the divorce. He then called her on speaker phone and told her it was over and he said "I guess I don't love you" and she hung up. I told him that if he wanted to do as we agreed he was not to see or contact her again. He said it was over and he was happy it was. I guess for me it was my ego. The next day he went to work and he called me from work and said he was coming home because he was mentally exhausted and needed to talk with me. He came home and said how sorry he was for hurting me and he should have never done that. He said he had problems and needed to get help. He said he loves me and knows that he wants to make this work but doesn't know if I could ever forgive him and if I did he would be the happiest man alive but if I couldn't he couldn't blame me. I told him I obviously still loved him and my trust and so much of what I believed has been rocked. I told him I need help too - we discussed what went wrong on both ends and decided that we would not make any major decisions till we both got help. He has been in therapy and mine starts next week. There's so much to tell here but don't want to take up so much space. However, I'll try to squeeze it so it's not too confusing. 1. He calls her in front of me to ask for the apartment complexes address to mail back the key. Leaves a message at work, her cell and her home phone. She does not call back. 2. He calls her the next day again in front of me and tells her "I need the address and you can call here "don't block your number" this way I can see it's you and I'll answer it", my wife knows and we are staying together so you can call. She has her "husband" call (they are getting divorced and are good friends). "She's too upset to talk but said to send back the key and the CELL PHONE she gave you". Husband says "What cell phone" Her husband says "The one she gave you so you could talk privately with - she doesn't want you running up a bill". My husband says "I left it there". He says "she can't find it here". 3. I call her back later that evening and get the answering machine. I tell he told me he left the phone in your desk drawer and since he told you it was over the other night - why do you still have it on if you were worried he was going to run up a bill? I would think you would have shut it off immediately unless you are waiting for him to call you? 4. She calls me that next morning to tell me: The phone is off and she is so sorry that she did this to me and she was such a fool because he made her believe that he loved her. She said she cannot believe the last four months were lies that there had to be something besides sex with him. He would tell her he loves her, gave her notes/cards and told her how amazing she was, took her places and saw her every chance he could. I told her the things he told me about her and that made her angry and then she started spilling! She told me they did not meet on the train and he called her the next day after I found out (even though he told me he wouldn't call her again), and told her the train story and said he wasn't sure when he would talk to her again and that he had to go because he was on his boss' cell phone. She told me they met on this site where married people go to have sexual affairs. I read his profile and was floored - he joined 7 months ago and was looking for a short term sexual affair. This was deliberate. She told me she came down here and saw him several times in our local bars and even met one of his friends. When I saw this site I was so disgusted that I went off on him in front of his friends (who he had told the same story too about the train). He was so upset that his friends now knew he lied to them as well. For the next couple of days I got phone calls with more and more details to help me move on from him and to "bury his ass". I would confront him and he would say she's twisting things, but many things she said he said about me were identical to what he had said to me when he was angry about something like dust on a shelf. She left one of his voicemails on my answering machine that he left for her on her birthday. He sang to her and told twice throught out the message that he loved her and missed her. I could understand why she felt he was in love with her because that was exactly the same tone he used to use with me. She said he would call her when he got to work, break time, lunch time and when he was leaving work. He did / does that with me. She said during news years he was so depressed because she was away visiting her parents and one day he called her 20 times and her parents were annoyed. (hence the cell phone being shut off). She said they talked about a future together - having a normal wedding (we did not and this was something he complained about recently to me during an argument), having children (I really never wanted his children so he says - though I had 8 surguries and gone through invitro - which was one of his arguments with me), going places and on vacations. None of which he ever wanted to do much of because of money! So, these things he told her I have heard before. His mother was away the last week of Feb and first week of Mar and she came down and they stood there (he had come home - he never stayed away over night). He told me she just showed up and was drunk and he let her stay there because she couldn't drive (she lives 1.4 hour away). He said nothing happened there but she said they had sex and he was showing her all his mother's things and telling her all the stories behind them. She told me he even took out a loan and showed her that was for him to get a divorce. It was a secured credit card for $2000.00. There's more ... however, I don't know if this man is being honest with me that he wants to stay with me or if he's sincere and that she is just trying to get even with him. My questions which he has answers to (of course) are: 1. Why does he continue to lie? I went throught the bank statements and found he spent a lot of money on her - expensive sex! 2. Why did he still have her notes and cards if it was just for sex? 3. Why did he tell her that meeting on the train story? He is so insecure with himself and has such a low self esteem, which is why I believe he made up the story of how they met, and focussed so much on her education. I believe him when he says he didn't want people to know how they met. He knows that if people knew he was leaving me for a woman who he met online (at that site) she would never be accepted by his family or friends. Of course when I found out about the site I confronted him and a few of his closest friends were there and he had lied to them too. They stormed out and would not talk to him. I do still love him and do want to make this work but I don't want him here if the only reason he is here is because it is the right thing for him to do. His friends and family all told him he was such a fool to risk losing me and he should kiss the ground that I am even considering working it out with him. If anyone could help or shed some light I would so appreciate it. Thanks for listening, Bluelea