gersanos

Maybe I should elaborate on my previous post about flirting. What I was getting at with that was simply talking. Nothing that involves touching, or trying to hang on or around the other person. Communication is a skill, and a part of flirting. The more you do it, the better you become at it. And it should be practiced with as many people as you can regardless of age, gender, race, etc. In time you'll find yourself comfortable doing it with anybody, and you won't be all choked up when you see someone that you really are ihterested in getting to know. Sorry for any miscommunication (oh, the irony) about that last post.

Why not? It's flirting. Nothing wrong with that. If anything, you should do it with as many people as you can, because the more you do it, the better you get at it.

Oh no, it's never the guys that tell me this, it's the girl's that I am friends with that tell me this. Maybe I am not best at sensing feelings among others, but I do know that other people have them as do I. I think I can come accross as insensitive by leading them on in this way, even though that's not what I meant to do. I mean, all we did was just hang out and/or talk.

BINGO! I will talk with any woman in the world, and be friendly with her, unless of course she has this very negative vibe coming from her then I'd ask her what her beef is. This friendly type of nature is construed by many, if not most, as flirting and/or a sign of interest. Same thing goes if I meet a new girl and we hang out, nothing formal, strictly casual. People will sometimes ask me, "How was your date with so and so?" And I react, "Date? What date, we were just hanging out." Then I'm told that I'm stringing her along. In no way do I do this intentionally, and unfortunately, I do not act cold to someone when I first meet them.

I agree with you. A union is not what it used to be. Granted there are those circumstances where violence and/or abuse comes into play as well, but the majority of divorces I've seen are not along those lines. My parent's dated for 3 months, and have been married for 30 years with 4 children. They have made it through thick and thin, and have had there ups and downs, but never has divorce crossed there mind as an option. Half the neighbors that live on my parents street have gone through a divorce in less than 5 years of marriage. What happened there I cannot say for sure. But the filing reasons for divorces are mostly uniformal: irreconcilable differences, aka resentment beyond belief. Much of it crops up from modern day society. When we are raised by our parents we are told how we are the best, that we can always do better in our lives by supporting kids financially and through school and whatever else it may be so they can have a better life, and when we get older it's reinforced by our friends. Some of the girls that I've introduced to my parents or my friends have met (girls I've dated, but not on a serious level) told me that I can do better without even talking with her. I'm sure it's been said to some of the girls that have dated me as well. Mintel International conducted a very in-depth research, and one of the topics covered was relationships. The majority of participants were single, and the number one reason they gave for being single was that they think that they can do better. In our day and age we have unrealistic expectations and we are spoiled beyond belief. Most of my friends, and myself included, are where we are today because of our parents. But if you keep getting things you want, then the bar of expectations will rise. And expectations are pre-meditated resentments, because whenever they are not met, then resentment will crop up, and resentment will kill any relationship, or whatever other aspect you'd like to apply it to. We feel slighted, we hold a grudge, and we don't look back. Funny thing is, the other person doesn't feel your resentment. You are drinking a bottle a poison and expecting the other person to die when you hold a grudge. Only you are affected. Resentment is only a part of it, there is more at stake, but I truly believe that resentment is the number 1 offendor.

Yes, I do. I have always looked at it as innocent fun or just being flirtatious or friendly, but it is something that I know that I need to work on to an extent. I love talking and I love flirting, but that doesn't mean that I will act on any impulses, if there are any, or ask for a number. My best friend, who is a girl, tells me that by doing this I lead girls on like no other because I can spark a girl emotionally into thinking that she has a chance with me, even though I am not interested in her, and I would have to agree with her. Not something that I do intentionally, or think through before I do it. If a conversation gets started up, then it just happens. And if it's in a big social setting that this is happening in, then I move onto whatever is the next thing going on or talk with someone else, but the girl keeps making her way over into talking with me, and I wonder why does she keep coming back. Almost as if I have already gotten off just by the conversation, and I have moved on because I got her. I don't need to pursue her for sex or anything romantic. Most of my guy friends disagree with me, they try to "close the deal," but I have already gotten my "fix" per say. I've done this some many times before I realized that this is all my own doing. I charm her, then wonder why does she keep coming back to me, and wonder why 75% of the time the girl asks me for my number. Sometimes we talk and attraction grows for me as she chases me, but usually it doesn't. I wonder if this really makes me a jerk. I am a social person, and even if I meet some guy, and no I'm not gay, I'll still lay on charm and try to be smooth. I can lay on charm without anything romantic being involved, and it can be my neighbor, a kid, a guy, girl, etc. I don't always do it, but I guess it's just part of my personality. I've been called by many as the charismatic politician. But I've also been called plenty of names by girls before (example: "you're a piece of ****, you just know what to tell girls") as I start up this whole fiasco, she then chases me, but I don't reciprocate, and I'm being called names even though I didn't attempt to kiss her or make a move, or imply anything physical with her. It's obvious that she feels led on or hurt, but I'm left thinking, "wait, I didn't do anything wrong here; am I a jerk?" And when I think "wrong" I mean by actions: didn't try to get a number, or make a move on her, or hang around her all evening, etc. Maybe I just justify and manipulate some of my actions and words into believing that I am not wrong? Charm is a very powerful asset when it comes to all facets of life, but sometimes I truly wonder if it brings on some of the troubles that I've encountered, particularly with women.

Women do choose who they want to date/be with, men do the picking once they know that they have been chosen.

I agree with what some posters have already mentioned. Although it is a very difficult thing to do, that is, find that balance early on in the relationship without spending ever waking minute together, but it is an imperative. By not doing so, you do not give the other person the gift of missing you as was already mentioned. And eventually, the newness and/or infatuation wears off, and it's way too difficult to adjust from spending every second in bliss to reality where there are responsibilities and highs and lows in relationships. I think we all go through this experience, and usually at a younger age. Could some of these relationships have worked out if they were played right? I think so. I'll share my experience with it: First month was getting to know, not too physical, no official title; heavily emotional and everyday together as well as phone. Second month start to get really physical, official title, still everyday together, start sleeping over at each other's place on a regular basis. Third month, same as before, always together, start taking vacations together, "i love you" said, sleeping over at each other's place 5-6 night's a week (so pretty much moved in), etc. Well, by month 5 it all collapsed. In those 5 months we were a total of probably 7 days of not being together/seeing each other. Maybe 1 or 2 days without talking on the phone. Imagine what could have happened if we didn't overdo it, and took it much slower/more balanced. But some things in life are just there for us to learn from.

It's not active. You are correct. It should be natural. But you're constantly going through it. All girls do this, the point is many men don't. They see a girl, are attracted to her, and think that she might be the "one" or whatever, but they are doing nothing but projecting his thoughts and feelings on the matter. The more you talk/spend time with her, the more you realize: (1) this may be something good here or (2) this isn't going so hot/what I want. 2 months of talking online is what you would have missed out on? Ok, it's way past time to meet her. Taking it slow is good, but, if there were romantic possibilities, they should have started a while ago, meaning seeing her in person, etc. Look at it objectively first. Don't just say screw it, and dive in. That mentality is brooding with disaster. Take risks. I agree. Don't just dive in head first.

The nice guy in this situation is no different than the whimp. I'm starting to feel like you are taking me for granted? Pal, the message was loud and clear after she blew you off the second time. But the 3rd or 4th time and now you are starting to feel like you're being taken for granted? Then you give her the benefit of the doubt, and try to work things out or negotiate? Please, it's obvious that you are wasting your time here. The "jerk" here, by acknowledging what is happening, and making it known that he does not have the time to wait around, is the only one of the 3 types that has a backbone. He is making it known that this is unacceptable. He has self-respect. Forget her completely. Find someone that doesn't cancel dates with you. This is the whole point of dating. Yes, it's meant to be fun, but at the same time, it's about finding someone that you truly are compatible with, that is, if you are looking for some sort of real relationship. Thanks for pointing that out. It is not about being controlling. It is about having self-control. That should be re-worded, sorry for any miscommunication. If she is calling constantly, yes. Sure, it's a new interest. You want to talk with her. She wants to talk with you. It is "mutual." But also, remember, by doing this, you are still giving her everything she wants, but it's justified because the feelings are mutual. How often do you talk with her and spend time with her? Everyday? Few times on the phone each day? Every night? Those are some big red-flags to me, and usually, it's more lust than anything else. Nothing wrong with that though, unless you start to fall for her, and that's not exactly what's going on with her, or it very well maybe, but it takes some time to fall in love with someone. Anything in the early getting to know stages is an infatuation, not love. Challenge is about not being too available to her. Most guys get a number and call right away, and call a lot, and can't wait to see her, etc. Connection? Maybe to some extent. I smell desperation more than anything, or an infatuation, or both. What connection, you just met her and are getting to know her. The point of all of this is to look at terms objectively. Not subjectively, or whatever it is that you may think or feel. It's taking a realistic look at what is going on. That is the evaluation process. Many of times it's subjective because you project certain thoughts and feelings on the situation, and then justify a connection. Take it slow, take it easy. You don't know this person at all. Respect them, respect yourself. Remember, everybody is nice in the beginning stages. This is about protecting yourself. Get to know her. Evaluate her. 99% of women out there are not right for you. Yes, take risks, but don't just dive in. Look for positive traits and qualities. Do not overlook the obvious negative ones. Many of times we are blind to them because we analyze subjectively. It is very much about having fun, but do not overlook any signs that spell disaster down the road. And you wonder why after a break-up friends and/or family knew all along it wouldn't work out? Aahhh, the objective observers. They can point out exactly what went wrong, and at times, may hint at it along the way, but not say anything because (1) they want you to learn from the experience and (2) they feel as if they don't want to come between you.

I just wanted to chim in on this conversation. Basically, the majority of men fall into 2 categories. On one side is the macho boy: arrogant, can have jacked physique, doesn't smile much, etc., but in time becomes controlling and possessive with the girl that he is dating and treats her as his property. He has more than his fair share of insecurities. He is the bad boy, a bastard. On the other side is the wimp: this guy has a great personality, would make a great father, has lots of things going for him, etc., but, he has one major character flaw, and that is his inability to say "no," to stand up for himself against a girl, he does everything for her, etc. In essense, he lacks a backbone. He is the nice guy, too sensitive. Women go back and forth between these 2 groups of men. They want the bad boy, but learn in time just how much of a jerk he is, and how much he makes her hurt, so then they go to the nice guy, but he gives her everything in the world, and then she loses interest and respect. The cycle repeats itself. Then there are those rare few men in society. The one that has qualities of both, but is balanced and refined. You cannot be an extreme of either one of the two mentioned above. Too macho and you're a jerk, too sensitive and you're a wimp. This one treats a girl with respect, but knows his limits and boundaries because he is the catch, the prize, not the woman. HE evaluates whether this is a girl he wants to continue dating, eventhough he provides her with lots of fun and good times when they hang out. He takes one step forward with a girl, and two steps back. He keeps her on her toes, and when she gives him crap, he knows where the door is and does not hesitate to leave. He is the sensitive bastard. This is not about changing one's personality. This is about smoothing out the edges of your personality, and know how to date. 99% of women out there are not right for you. Know how to weed them out first, because, trust me, she is weeding you out. She is a girl. She has plenty of men trying to hook-up with her, date her, get her attention, etc. Ever hear of women testing men? Well this is it, the weeding out process. Pass her tests, and you're in, stumble somewhere along the line, and it's "see ya." Women stay with certain men over others because of the way she feels about him. It does not matter how the guy feels. Yes, it sucks for guys, but this is the way it works. Initially she is attracted to you, so she has selected you. Now you have to know when you are chosen, and enjoy the ride. There are 3 things that help form attraction, and will ensure her how YOU are different from all the other guys on this planet and make her want to be with you. 1. Confidence = 33% of the package. We've all heard this term. Now confidence is broken up into 2 sub-components, (a) self-confidence, and (b) self-esteem. You have both of those fulfilled, then you're ok in this department. If not, work on it. Guys with confidence do not dish out ultimatums to women, and are sure of themselves, but not arrogant. The woman may very well think he is arrogant, but that is because he has natural, genuine confidence which is rare. 2. Control = 33% of the package. Control is broken up into 3 sub-components, (a) discipline, (b) patience, and © not reacting. Control is the toughest one out there to master about one's self, and the one where most guys struggle. Have patience with the girl, you play you're cards right, and you're in. Do not rush things. If this is Ms. Right, then you'll have a lifetime to spend with her and get to know her. Don't react to many of life's blows and the games of courtship. Example, you and you're date are out, some attractive looking guy comes up to her and starts to talk with her. What do you do? Do you explode? Make a scene? Complain to her about it? Or do you just walk away? Ignore it? Pretend like it never happened? Take it as a compliment that this guy is telling you that you have great taste, a great girl here. Remember, she is you're date, she will be leaving with you at the end of the evening. She is not a piece of property. She is not someone you bark orders to. Control is a very critical aspect of what it means to be a real man, aka, gentleman, aka, sensitive bastard. 3. Challenge = 33% of the package. This is the approach in the early stages, many of times the first 90 days of dating her. This is where she looks for ways to weed you out. But be a challenge. Learn what this is, and what this means. Keep her on her toes. One step forward, two step backwards. She doesn't know your strategy here, and is intrigued by you. This is the mystery, the romance. You always call, be available, cater to her, etc., well, that's no fun for her, she got you too easily, and she lost interest. Imagine if a girl just fell on your lap and did everything for you. You will get bored. There is no mystery, no excitement, no what's going to happen next. The passion is gone, and the mundane sets in. Be a challenge. Have and LIVE you're own life. She was interested in you and your life when she first met you, don't give that up for her. Don't call her everyday. Don't see her everyday. Make her wonder about you. Make her miss you. 90% of relationships don't last more than 3 months. Are you going to be her next 3 month man? Lastly, do not change the way you were from the beginning. Why was she attracted to you in the first place? Was it because you were outgoing? Funny? Charming? Aloof? Smart? Sarcastic? etc. Do not alter that to a great degree as time goes along. You took great care of yourself before you met her, don't get comfortable with her because then you'll get lazy and start to slack on your appearance, physique if you work out, the "little things" in the relationship, etc. That is not the man she fell for, was into, wanted to be with. Be consistent with you're actions and behavior. If she changed, well that's because something about you changed, and she doesn't feel the same way about you anymore. Women are not crazy. That is a cop-out. Learn to understand how women think, which is by feelings. Feelings lead to thoughts, thoughts lead to actions. What she says is irrelevant, i.e., "I love you" but then is all over another guy. The old adage comes in perfectly here, "Actions speak louder than words." Always look to her actions to figure out what she is thinking. You don't "talk" about it. The majority of communication is non-verbal. Understand body language. Whether it's a guy or a girl, you can tell a lot of what they are thinking by just reading there body language. If she calls you all the time, wants to spend time with you, and always seems to bump into you by "accident" does that make her crazy? No. This girl has strong feelings about you. If you like her, then just don't ruin it by always answering her phone calls, always agreeing to meet up with her, etc. Trust me, even if this is mutual, it spells nothing but disaster. Imagine eating an entire gallon of ice cream in one sitting. What happens? You get sick to your stomach. How do you avoid this? Spoon feed yourself to her.

I dated my "friend" in high school, and a few years later when I was in college. We never really had a break-up, more like both of us stopped calling one another. We both knew what was going on. Basically, last time we dated which was about 3 years ago, she was going through a big partying phase and I didn't want any part of that. Sure I party, but this was too much for me too handle as a bf. She wanted commitment from me, I didn't want that, shortly after we stopped hanging out and talking. About a month ago we ran into one another, exchanged numbers, and have been hanging out and talking quite a bit. We've both been in serious relationships during this time away from each other, and neither worked out in the end. Now, she always calls me, and she calls just about everyday. Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don't and just call back later. When we've hung out it's been fun, she always talking about memories that we shared, flirts with me, etc. Sometimes when she wants to hang out, and I say no I'm doing this, she gets all whiny, like why not, oohh just come out, etc. We've said that we are just friends, but I don't think that's what she is thinking, but I am not going to call her on it. Pretty much I've been just going with the flow. My question is what to do from here. Just keep doing what I've been doing? Or mention something about it? If I do get involved, it's going to be slow, a lesson I learned from my last serious relationship. I'm still attracted to her, and I know (my ego at least) she is as well. Probably the best way I can put it is that I (or we at most) never gave each other a real chance. I always did not want to get involved, but I have noticed how much she has changed and grown since then, and it's definitely a positive sign.

It depends on what you're referencing to here. As in a relationship, yes, I think it is black and white. There are no shades of gray. You are either a couple, or you are not. Girl breaks up with me, good bye forever. I break up with a girl, same thing, not because I can't stand to ever see her again, but because it is very cruel and selfish for me to want to be friends with someone that likes me more than a friend. But in general, with guys and relationships, many do see it in those terms. Not all guys, but it is an accurate generalization. Shiminimo - How old are you? It takes time. With each girl you continue to learn more and how to handle relationships and women. Same goes for the gals. You learn what kind to avoid, and what kind to go after. How to treat her right, what to say what not to say, etc. There is no magic answer to this question. There are numerous threads in this message board that can help you, and of course, experience. Good luck bro.

What specifically led to it? With more info it would help to see if you can get a temporary restraining order and a battery charge against her. That is, if you really want to get her out of your life and even things up a bit.

Totally just back off. I too, like a few other male posters mentioned, began to chase once she started to pull away. Little while after that, she was gone. We both smothered each other but it hit her first, and eventhough I did feel smothered somewhat, my natural reaction was to panic and chase when I saw her detach and hint at space (give me time to miss you, etc.). Well, chasing only made things worse, brought on fights, resentment was building up, and it all ended, and not a word since. Chances are that she still has feelings for you, but, needs some time away from you. I know this is hard to take in, as well as follow through on, but you must distance yourself from her. You wanting to patch things up and all will come accross as pressuring her, or as my ex called it "forcing it." Let her have some time to think, some time to miss you, and figure out exactly what she wants. Above all, as was mentioned, don't come accross as desperate. It will drive her away even more. No guilt trips either. This all sounds very contradictory as it surely must be painful for you, but you have to seem aloof and confident right now and let her come to you.

I know most people (teens & 20's at least) don't necessarily follow this, but what if you do bring it up and the other person says they will try to work it out with you, but then just bails? Where they thinking the same thing, or, did that kind of a chat freak them out and they sort of beat you to the punch?

Hey Josh, sorry that you are going through this right now. I can completely empathize with your story. Half a year ago me and my ex broke up, and it was similar in respects to what your going through. We fought for a couple of days on and off and things went sour from there. We tried to talk about it, and make it work, but she did tell me that she was not happy. I asked her what it is and what I can do about it, but she said she doesn't know what it is. Is this generally true? When something does not feel right, but you don't know exactly what it is or where it stems from? She said that she felt like we are going to just be fighting from here on out, and she had dreams of us fighting. I tried it all. I asked her if she needs some space, and she said no. I asked her if she needs some more time to cool off after our fight and us be separated for a while, and she said no, and that I'm starting to "weird her out." I remained patient and just held my tongue, but things just got worse with her. I think she really wanted me to break up with her, to do her dirty work, but I would not, I wanted to work this out. The more I tried to work on it, the more she pulled away it seemed. In the end I was so fed up after 2 weeks that I said lets take a break, and made it clear that I don't want to break-up, that I want us to have some time apart. She told me that I'm "forcing it" but that space is fine, but then 2 days later she breaks up with me. The break up was ok in that I was prepared for it. I knew it was coming in a sense. But I was not going to break up with her. I felt like she wanted to manipulate me to do it so she's not the bad guy and/or get back at some future time when we've been apart for a while and if she doesn't find the grass to be greener. I just let her say her piece, and I asked a few questions, and it was respectable for the most part. Only thing was she wanted to stay good friends, told me that I'm her best friend, but I said no that it's over, and she threw a tantrum like I've never seen before. I don't know what her motives were, but I was unable to just be friends. She told me that we're different, that we're not the typical exes, that our relationship was really healthy, etc. I could not make a thing of it all. We never spoke since then. We go to school together and she always looks at me when I'm nearby, but that's it. I've gotten over her for the most part, don't love her anymore, but naturally still care about her. I too thought that this was the right person at the wrong time. Who knows. Since then, I've learned a great deal about myself, her, and relationships. We may get back together one day in the future, or our relationship may just have been a stepping stone, or practice, for the next great one that I (and she) will be in. Hang in there Josh. Right now it seems like your prepared for the worst, which is good in a way. Your expectations are not that high. Who knows, this may just all blow over, but if it doesn't, then you were prepared for it, which does make it somewhat easier then just getting smacked in the face with it. Hang in there and keep us posted.

1. Work on me first and foremost, in that, school, work, family and friends. It seems that when a new girl enters my life, my priorities get tossed out the window sooner or later, and eventually things fall apart. 2. Eliminate partying from my life. Yes it's fun, but I spend too much money that way and get into too much trouble. I'm not saying be dull here, but just stay away from going out to bars or parties as much, and find different interests and hobbies. 3. Eliminate sarcasm. Too mant girls I have dated have complained about this hurting them. I do this as humor, and although every guy in the room is laughing, my girlfriend is usually hurt. It has caused enough pain and miscommunication with relationships. These 3 flow logically for me. Keeping my priorities straight, staying away from partying as much and eliminating partying flow from one to the next. This is not about completely changing myself, but bettering myself and growing up. Drastic step I think, but if I take it one day at a time, a pattern will develop in my life that I will getr accustomed to.

It depends on the details. From my own experience, I almost always broke up with girls back in high school and college, and as I started to get older I began to look at myself and realized that I had this picture of an ideal girlfriend and none of them were good enough. With that mentality, it'll be hard for me to find anybody long-term. However, I did not lower my standards per se, but began to open up my heart, instead of my mind. My mind always found flaws or reasons to justify breaking up. The whole "don't settle" thing is a very fine line to walk. If you go through life with that mentallity, I wonder how many people will be truly happy in a long-term relationship/marriage. You just may go through life searching forever, and, possibly not find what it is you're seeking. I don't know if that's the case with you or not, but it is important to look at financial and all the other variables when dating someone. If someone isn't making X amount of dollars a year, then it can be an issue when it comes to support/family/bills, but then again, a fine line between that and gold-diggers out there. I can't say without more info. At your age, you're still figuring out what it is you want and don't want. It's normal in a way. You're still very young, but, it is a good thing that you are aware of this. That's a positive step in the right direction, and in time, you'll figure it out as you continue to grow.

Interesting thread and some good posts. In term's of principle, it should be the dumper that comes back, but I honestly don't think it matters as long as both parties are willing to make it work or want to get back together. A break-up is space, or time apart as mentioned. Feel free to think it's over for good to help you move on, but with time, thoughts and feeligns change. Loss of feeling or whatever the reason is is caused by something. It does not just happen. Space helps to figure out who you are, what you really want, be independent for a bit, etc, and then maybe have another go at it.

I did not mean to come accross as being mean. That is just what I garnished from the initial post. Honestly, friends is just a waste of time. What;s the point in trying so hard just to remain friends? This stuff should just come naturally. If both parties aren't willing, then let it go. Sorry if I came accross the wrong way in my first post, but you mentioned a guy that left you and it took you a while to get over him, but the ex-husband that you dissed was there for you. I don't know all the details about it, but from the post it doesn't seem right. You "diss" someone and are glad that they got over it and accepted that you 2 can't be together but can be friends. I'm just putting in my opinion, on an opinion board. Someone disses me & I'm gone, I don't care about friendship or getting back together. Forget the ex, you'll make plenty of friends in life.

So you try to get over some guy that you dated and you were devastated in the end for X amount of months, and then realize that he's not worth it and move on with your life like you are indifferent to him, but had to emotionally rely on an ex-husband that you "dissed" and wonder why can't more people just be like him and accept friendship? Your post seems pretty contradictory and has a theme of selfishness running through it. Many cannot be just friends with their ex-lovers. It is not as simple as just accepting that 2 people cannot be together, but can remember the good times and just be friends. Sure, if your the dumper that's what you think, but the other person does not think that way at all. I've been on both sides of the fence and think that friendship is a waste of time with an ex unless it was a mutual break-up. I don't string ex's along for emotional support or a "friend" because I know it's cruel, and at the same time I reject friendship if offered by an ex because that's all its for. I prefer to make new and better memories in my life by moving on, and keeping the past where it belongs. Only once did I question friendship when it was offered to me: an ex got very defensive and angry when I rejected it, and could not understand why. When I saw her afterwards, she did not look good. I thought that maybe in fact she did not want to really break up, but then let it go and figured I was supposed to be her emotional/security blanket. She never contacted me afterwards either. Relationships move forward, not back-wards. Nobody wants to be 2nd best.

Now, let's say the dumper is just flat out mean and does not care or treat the dumpee nice post-break-up? I've done that before when I was younger, not because I did not want to lead them on, but because I was a an immature jerk. Regardless is if's a guy or girl that is the dumper, is that not to lead on or just someone that is a jerk?

I'm going to play devil's advocate here on a couple of these. In extreme conditions these would hold true, but, we don't live in a perfect world here and everyone is guilty of these from a time to time. 1. Neglecting Your Partner (ignoring, workaholism, addictions) This is critical & I have no major arguments about it. However, if someone is working long hours to establish or further their career, and both know that it will be short term, then this can be worked out through communication. 2. Depriving Your Partner (not being attentive, expressive, affectionate, supportive, caring, loving): No arguments here. If you fail to do this, then I don't know if it's a personality type or if you just should not be in a reltionship with someone. If it's stress & other outside factors, then once again communication is important & it can be worked out. 3. Dishonesty & Betrayal (infidelity, lying) No arguments here. This is unacceptable. 4. Attacking Your Partner (blaming, abuse – physical, emotional, sexual): No arguments here - unaccetpable. 5. Scapegoating (taking your anger or frustration out on you partner): This will happen from a time to time, and the other person should be there for you in a time when things are going tough. I took out quite a bit on a girl I dated once, she reacted, we needed time apart, then we talked about it. I had lots of stress and outside factors going on in my life. We talked about it, I apologized for it, and I apologized for not communicating everything that was going on with me. Unfortunately, that episode began our downward spiral, even though I did not repeat it. If the person you are dating is also a friend, they would support you at times with things. They are there as a friend as well, and don't take it as a personal attack. I guess this varies with the extent of scapegoating: if it's continuous, then yes it's a problem. For me it only happened once, and unfortunately things went downhill. I thought that was pretty absurd, and that we had a much stronger foundation between us. I thought wrong. 6. Negativism (nitpicking, nagging, criticising): This is debatable. I like to tease and it's playful. I had a few girls I dated tell me that my sarcasm or as one girl put it "conniving comments" really hurt them. Unfortunately, this was right before we broke up or as we broke up. That is not entirely my fault. The other party has to communicate things that bother them. I always tell the other person what will/does bug me, but in a nice way. Set up personal boundaries. Also, I was teasing/sarcastic from the first day I meet them. If it hurt them once we started to get serious, then they should say something about it. Don't hold back and let it build up. Failure to do so ties in with point 10 (being passive). But again, if it's constant and continuous it will ruin a relationship. And at the same time, the other party should verbalize this if it bugs them. I'm not talking about flat-out abuse, but if they cannot handle or take my jokes the wrong way. 7. Gossiping (telling family or friends about your problems but not addressing them with your partner): I have done this plenty of times. I do it for advice. If I am unsure about something in our relationship or fighting with my girl quite a bit, I ask certain friends for advice. This is something that I need to improve on. I need to keep it between me and the other person. When I went to others with it, it was because I honestly did not know what to do and was immature with relationships bit. It did upset the last girl I dated and she made it clear that she goes to no one with problems that we have. But, sometimes a 3rd party is needed for advice. Whenever I have gone for advice, it was also a girl I dated for 6 months or less. 8. Controlling Your Partner ("my way" or else, perfectionism, trying to change your partner, possessiveness): Unacceptable; no arguments here. 9. Putting Yourself First (self-centeredness, selfishness, entitlement): Agreed. Selfishness will ruin things. 10. Putting Yourself Last (self-neglect, passivity, self sacrifice): No arguments here. Relationships are not going to be perfect. People will mess up, and get the other party upset. It's how the two handled it. If I did wrong, I go back and try to correct it, and it should be vice-versa. Problems like these mentioned above should be worked out with COMMUNICATION. Communication is the number one reason why relationships fail. All the points that were aforementioned will cause a relationship to fail if they are not talked about and worked on. They should be addressed. I guess that falls along the lines of the other person being passive. I for one cannot read minds, and at times am unaware that I have been guilty of doing wrong(s) or creating certains harms to the relationship. Much does stem from insecurity, but I truly believe that ineffective communication is the biggest wrecking ball out there for relationships.

It will take some time. The intense relationships that are so wonderful, albeit brief take the longest to get over. Especially when there were so many good times, memories, etc., and not so many bad ones. They leave you wondering "what happened?" Going through the cycles of recovery that you are experiencing is normal. I went through the same. Feeling great, then plunging back towards hope for her return, etc. Nothing like that ever happened. Just keep up with no contact and trying to live your life. Fake it till you make it.