Mels

Thanks heloladies21. Venting really does help. I felt much better after saying all of that. Thanks for listening!

I know that there are probably not any concrete, set in stone ways of knowing for certain that you are truly over your ex, but I was just wondering what everyone's opinions were. I thought that I was over my ex. I don't have feelings for him anymore, I wouldn't take him back if someone paid me to. But the other day, someone mentioned that he was sleeping with his new girlfriend, and it got to me. Though not as much as it would have a few months ago. I'm not really sure what I'm feeling now. He was my first, and though I was willing, it was only under his manipulation that I became that way. He used me as an ego trip, and cared nothing about the consequences that I would have to face because of it. I eventually told him that I wasn't going to have sex with him anymore because of all the guilt and risks associated with it. He broke up with me the next day. I'm having a lot of problems forgiving him for the things that he did to me. He knew my morals and values going into the relationship, and said that he respected them. Yet he still took adavantage of my vulnerability and trusting personality. By the time I realized what was happening, I was already in too deep and didn't think that I had the strength to get myself out. I don't blame him for everything, because I know that I have a brain and I could have said no, but it makes me angry because he doesn't take responsiblity for any of it. And now he's off feeding the same lies that he fed me, to another girl. And he's getting exactly what he wants, another name added to the list of girls that he's slept with in order to prove to his friends that he's a man. I don't know, it may be selfish but I think that I deserve what I want more than he deserves what he wants. He treats me like crap, and he gets another girl to replace me just like that, and more after her. I treat him like he's the greatest thing on earth, and here I am still waiting six months later for a guy who will treat me right. I guess it's the mysteries of the phrase "Life's not fair". Anyway, sorry that this started out as a question, but turned into a vent session. I'm trying not to talk about it to my friends and family because I don't want them to know that it bothers me. Actually, I think that I was trying to convince myself that it didn't bother me. My ex truly is not worth the time it takes to say his name, and I know that. So I guess I'm mad at myself for being upset about it in the first place...

Things always work out for the best, though it may take a while for you to realize that. I was in a relationship in which I was lied to, emotionally abused, and taken advantage of. Even though I wasn't treated right, when it ended, I thought that it was the end of the world. I didn't know how I was going to go on without him, but I did. And I'm a much better person because of it. You learn things from every relationship that you're in. It's your job to remember those things for the next time around. Though my ex was a jerk, I recognize the fact that I was not perfect in our relationship either. I was too dependent on him, too complicit, and too naive to see who he truly was. I allowed myself to be too easily influenced by him, and by the time the relationship ended, I wasn't even the same person that I was when it began. It's not worth it. Don't sacrifice who you are to please someone else. The majority of the time, getting back together with an ex doesn't work. Though, I know that there are sometimes cases in which it does, but these are definitely in the minority. My ex wanted me back after a week. We broke up again a month later, this time for good. Though we had talked about our problems, and both decided to work on them. Nothing really changed, and the same issues came up again. I also don't think that being friends with an ex is worth all of the time and pain. Getting over an ex is extremely hard to do, and seeing and talking to that person makes it even harder. I tried being friends with my ex the first time we broke up, and I regret it. The second time, we initially agreed to be friends, but he then refused to talk to me. I was very angry about it at the time, but now I'm thankful that he was strong enough (or mean enough) to ignore me. The first few months after my breakup were the hardest thing that I have ever been through. I hated my ex and I hated myself for not being good enough for him. I didn't understand how everything I did, thinking that I was doing everything right, was actually all wrong. I didn't understand how I could love someone so much who was so cruel. I was mad at myself for being so stupid, and I was mad at him for hurting me so much. Not until I realized that dwelling on the pain was only allowing him to hurt me more, did I finally decide that I had had enough of the control that he had over me. He had taken so much of my life already, and I wasn't going to allow him to take any more of it. Things gradually got better. I stopped crying every day, I stopped blaming myself. I think that in order to be truly healed of heartbreak, you have to be happy being single. Realize that your happiness does not depend on someone else, and life is what you make of it. Be thankful that you have the freedom to do what you want to do without having to have someone else's approval, or thinking about how it will affect someone else. Don't dwell on the fact that you don't have a significant other because it doesn't do any good anyway. Wishing someone to come into your life is not going to magically make them appear. It's all in good time. And here's what keeps me going through life: I think about how the guy I will eventually meet who will be everything that I've ever wanted. And I'm thankful for the experiences that I've been through, even though some of them have been very tough. Everything that I've had to go through, and will go through, will shape me into the person that is the perfect match for the man of dreams. I'm still in the process of healing. I no longer have feelings for my ex, but I'm still facing obstacles in the process of forgiving him for what he did to me, and forgiving myself for being so blind to who he really was. But time heals, and I know that I will get there eventually. For all of you who are dealing with pain of heartbreak, I wish you the best. I know that it's cliche, but it does get easier with every day that goes by. Good luck!

It makes me feel good to know that I can be of help to someone else because of the pain I went through. I guess it just helps to know that some immediate good is coming out of it. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments when I miss my ex, but it's getting easier and easier to push them out before I get too depressed. I think about all the things that he did to me, and then I think about hopefully dating a guy in the future who will treat me right. And then I decide that that guy is worth wating for. I will agree that probably the majority of extroverted guys are jerks. I read in a book that it's because they're so confident in themselves that they become narcissists, and don't care about anyone else. I've never dated a shy guy before, so I don't know how all that works. Mostly that's because I'm shy myself. When both people are shy, it makes things a little difficult. That's just life, though, I guess.

A few months ago I was completely heart broken by a guy who said all the right things, but meant none of them. After months of coming home and going straight to bed to cry my eyes out, it finally sunk in that I was only hurting myself, and letting him win in the process. Like most of those who have been dumped, I continuously blamed myself...after all, he blamed me for everything so why not? I tried desperately to figure out what I had done wrong, and why I wasn't good enough for him. At first, all I could think of were things that I did that had made him angry, but then I started to see things in a different light. I know that I wasn't perfect. I also know, though, that when I was dating him, I wasn't being true to myself. You always hear that the bad rubs off on the good, and it's never the other way around. This is what happened in my relationship. I had always prided myself for being mature for my age, staying true to God, and knowing exactly what I wanted in life. I let my guard down when he came into my life, and unknowingly became more and more like him. Now, I'm finally starting to get a sense of myself back, the person I was before he took advantage of me. And it feels really good. They always say that hindisight is 20/20. In this case, that is definitely true. My ex was controlling, immature, emotionally abusive, prideful, and arrogant. Looking back now, I can see these things and wonder what I ever saw in him. I look at him now and can't believe I was even attracted to him in the first place. He's lacking in personality, looks, and emotional health. He played a wolf in sheep's clothing, though, and he had me hooked before he let any of the bad things show through. I think this is a game that a lot of jerks play. Anyway, I just want everyone out there who's been dumped to know that it does get better. You will eventually realize that your broken heart is actually a blessing in disguise: you're being given another chance to find a person who will truly treat you like you deserve. There's a song that I listen to a lot now, it's Christian and it says "And You said I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse. And if the burden seems too much to bear, remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there." Just keep your eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel. It grows bigger and bigger with each passing day, and you realize that you deserve better than the pain that the other person put you through. Don't let one person and their problems that they inflicted on you, ruin your life. Take time to heal, but always know that you are worthy of being loved with ALL of someone's heart. I'm not really sure what the point of this post was. Hopefully it will help someone, but I think it helped me, too. Just being able to express what I'm thinking and feeling seems to be therapeutic. So thanks for listening!

From a girl's perspective, you sound like a really great guy. Don't think of yourself as weak because you cry. I think that a guy who cries every now and then is more of a man than a guy who hides all of his emotions. Being a nice and sweet guy is a good thing, not a bad thing. A lot of girls go for the bad boy types because of the excitement of it. Most of the time, though, they eventually find out that it isn't worth it. I know I did. I dated a jerk who broke my heart with no remorse. Now I make sure that the guys I date are the nice, sweet guys like you. So don't give up on that aspect of it. Not all girls want bad boys. You just have to find them. As for being shy. You tell yourself that you're shy, so thereforeeee you are shy. I used to be EXTREMELY shy, but once I realized that it was just an excuse that I used, I decided to change it. A book that I read said this about self confidence: "Confidence is a state of mind that's often called attitude. The problem is that we have believed the lie that you have to feel confident to act confident. What actually happens is that when you act confident, you begin to feel confident. You don't have to believe it to do it, but you have to do it to believe it." It really does work that way. Do something that you've always been too shy to do, and you gain so much more confidence in yourself. Right now, wether you believe it or not, you actually have the upperhand in the dating world in some senses. All of those girls are going to be heartbroken by the bad boy jerks that they're dating, and they'll be looking for a guy like you. Just be confident enough in yourself to realize and take advantage of the opportunities that come your way. And it may not seem like it now, but I am sure that you will love again. One thing that really helps me when I start thinking of my ex, is that I make a point to rule my thoughts with all of the bad things about him. Then I take a look around and notice things in other guys that I'm really attracted to that he didn't have. For example, yesterday I was walking to class and even though I was almost ten feet from the door, a guy that I didn't know stood there until I got there, and held the door open for me. Things like that are what nice guys do, and things like that are what a lot of girls, who have had their share of the jerks, want. Sorry this was so long, but don't ever give up on life. You learn something from every relationship that you are in, and they are all things that will prepare you for when you finally do find "the one". It does get easier, I promise. I've been in the state of mind where I was hurting so much that I honestly wanted to end my life just do I wouldn't have to deal with it. But slowly, things got easier and easier each day. And they will for you, too. I know it may not seem like it now, but they will.

Thanks for all of your advice. That is one thing that I am afraid of, is all of this having the adverse effect and making her run to him instead of from him. She's young, and so is he. (16 and 15) The scary thing is that she actually talks about marrying this guy as soon as she turns 18. I've mentioned how unrealistic this is, but I can't get through to her. Now, I honestly think that there's a possibility that she will actually stay with him for that long. The counselor thing is a good idea. I guess it's obvious that none of her family is getting through to her, so maybe someone on the outside would. Thank you for the help. That's why I like enotalone so much, because there are so many different people who come here, and you can get so many different persepectives on things.

My cousin is 16 years old. She's been in a really bad "relationship" (if that's what you want to call it) for over a year now. We've all seen this, and we've all told her that he isn't worth it, but she hasn't listened to any of it. I gave her my old computer to use. When she got a new one, I got mine back. I was looking through some of the old documents today and found one that really scared me. She had saved a conversation onto it between her an her boyfriend. Along with finding the sort of things that I expected, like him calling her names and stuff. In the conversation, she also stated that she wanted to end her pain. That she knows that no one approves of her dating him, and she wants to make everyone happy. And then kill herself. I know that something needs to be done, but I'm not sure what. Will confronting her about it make her more mad and depressed? She is extremely defensive of the jerk, and takes up for him no matter what. Several times in the past, my aunt and uncle have realized that she doesn't need to be with him and have "grounded" her from talking to him, but things always seem to go back to the way they were anyway. Not to mention the fact that she sees him behind their backs. In the past year, she's turned from this happy-go-luck kid to being depressed and mad all of the time. She snaps at people, and cries at the drop of the hat. It's like she's a different person. Her relationship is making her have to deal with a lot of things that she shouldn't have to deal with at her age. I just found the conversation today. I'm really worried about her. How can I help her without making her mad, and without making her even more depressed? She needs to get away from him, but how do we help her to see that? And how do we show her that it's for her own good, and not just because the rest of the family doesn't like him? Thanks in advance for any help you can give.

I was in a similar situation one time. You can't blame yourself for what happened. It's not your fault. I'm sure you've heard the phrase that love is blind, and it really is. A lot of times in a relationship, you want things to work so badly that you fail to see all the bad things. I think that's just human nature. I've also heard that in order to really appreciate true love when you find it, it helps to have been in a bad relationship in the past. So just remember that all things happen for a reason. I remember feeling the exact same way that you are now, I was miserable and he acted like I meant nothing to him. It hurts. I just try to tell myself, though, that even if the idea of what goes around comes around isn't true, he will still have to answer for what he did to me some day. You just have to remember, though, that you aren't alone, and lots of people have been in the same situation. Everyone makes mistakes. You learn from them, though, and life is better because of it. Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault and you aren't the one with the problem. He is. Just be thankful that you don't have to deal with it anymore. I hope at least some of what I said helps you, but if not, maybe something someone else says will.

Does anyone have any ideas about what to get a guy for Valentine's Day that you haven't been dating for very long? We've been seeing eachother for about a month. I guess it would probably help if I told you all some things about him. He's an avid hunter, and owns pretty much everything that has to do with hunting. He's a firefighter and EMT. He's really masculine, and I don't think that he would like anything that's umm.... metrosexual is I guess the word that I'm looking for. I've been racking my brain, and I still can't think of anything that would work. So any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

I think that a lot of people go through the same feelings that you are having after going through a really bad breakup. I know that I did. The best advice that I can give you is the same thing that others in my life have told me. Give it more than one date. You have to give the person a chance, and you have to get to know them. I wanted to be able to be as comfortable with, and have the same feelings for the new guy I was dating as I did with my ex. So I would pick apart things and make excuses for why he wasn't good enough. What I've learned, though, is that feelings have to develop. So give it more time. Unless there is something that is horribly wrong with the person, promise yourself that you will go out with them at least two times. I'm not sure if this will help you at all, or even if your situation is similar to mine. I hoped I helped, though.

Your time will come for a relationship, just be careful when it does happen. Even though people told me all the time that I was pretty and nice, I never believed them. I was 19 before I had my first real relationship. Because I had longed for it for so long, I basically jumped into it blindly. I was so happy to have him in my life that I made a lot of bad choices. I ignored his past, and made myself believe that he would be different with me. He wasn't. He lied to me, manipulated me, and took advantage of me. I let him do it, and was crushed when, like all typical jerks, after he got what he wanted, he dumped me with no warning. I'm not saying that the same thing will happen to you, just be careful and keep your eyes open. Take things slow. Any guy deserving of your love will understand, and will not rush you into things. Don't be so cautious that you miss out on all the fun of the relationship, though. There is a happy medium between keeping too much of yourself and giving too much of yourself. You just gotta find where that point is for you. Don't give up, though! There are plenty of guys who will appreciate you. Good luck!

Thanks for all the advice! He really was just shy. We pretty much do take turns calling eachother now. I like it that way. We haven't ever met yet, (we're going out Saturday night) but conversation is easy for us and we have a lot of things in common, so maybe... For any shy people out there like me, tho, who tend to read too much into stuff and talk themselves out of doing things. Just go for it. If the response is positive, then good for you, and if it's negative than at least you learned something. If that makes any sense.

Two months after being completely heart broken by my ex, who wasn't even worth it, I have decided that I am finally ready to move on with my life and start dating again. I have always been extremely shy, and this year I decided that I'm going to change that. A friend of mine is trying to fix me up with a guy that he works with. My friend said that this guy is also shy in some aspects, and he told me to initiate the first contact in order to reassure him that I was interested. I called him. (Very proud of myself, by the way! ) We talked for about 15 min and then he had to go to a meeting. He told me he'd call back when it was over, he did and we talked for another two hours. Which is really weird for me because I am not a talking on the phone person. Anyway, at the end of our conversation he told me that I could call him sometime today if I wanted to. At first I didn't think anything of it, but then I guess the insecurities kicked in and I started wondeing why I had to call him, why doesn't he want to call me? I'm pretty sure I'm reading too much into this, but I was just wondering what everyone thought. Do you think that he's shy and is just afraid of rejection or something like that? That's what I initially thought, and then I was like, what if he just doesn't want to pursue this any further and is afraid to tell me? Thanks for the help!

Oops, sorry. For some reason I put that whole last post in a quote. Sorry, I was in a hurry and didn't pay any attention to it.