gersanos

We'll, I had a similar situation with my last relationship. I started to see the red flags creep up, as well as the distance & coldness on her behalf. We discussed it, and I was considering breaking up with her, but I knew that I would regret it. So after talking with friends, they told me to stick it out, that it's just a low point. We talked about making it work, and in the end I was losing my mind. She wasn't changing a bit and I was giving it my all. And I didnt want to end it b/c I thought that was completely irrational: we had a ton in common, 90-95% of relationhsip was awesome, weve experienced so many things together, and I wasnt willing to just run away from problems, I wanted to maek things work, and I still wanted to be with her, but I didnt like her attitude/behavior at the moment. Our sex changed somewhat: we had little less sex b/c we started school and were really busy nowadays, but we had sex still a few days before we even broke up. I saw the end coming, but I couldnt understand how or why. After I initiate a break, she ends it. I get no explanation. I was told I did nothing wrong. And pretty much that she now feels relieved that were broken up. It sucked. It's really a toss up. Usually people say you should bail first. It'll be less painful. But, sit down and talk about it first. If nothing changes, then leave. I wish I would have left before I initiated the break. I was being idealistic. Or maybe just naive, even though I saw every red flag. Dont know if my case was she started to cheat or what, but she was asolutely cruel in the end: totally not the person I had known, told me I did nothing wrong, but would be very defensive with me. It was as if she absolutely resented me. I guess it's one of those relationships where I dont know what truly happened, and maybe never will, and it's tough to just move on, but im doing it. I felt like I was just led on in the end by her telling me shes willing to work on it. I know I treated her good and all, and I wish I just knew what happened between us, but maybe im just not supposed to know. We havnt spoken since. Go with your gut and best of luck to you.

Now what if an ex stares at you? They don't really stare in a bad way, but they don't really stare in a good way. They just stare. Makes you kinda wonder what they're staring for. But staring is usually a sign of attraction. It depends on the personality type. Shy girls, or people on general, won't really stare at you.

scrwmilkgotbeer- I know exactly how you feal man. I was with a girl in a similar situation (minus the gun). I myself did lots of drugs & partying when I was in high school, but am nothing like that today. This girl I dated was doing drugs everyday before we met, and I never would have guessed until she told me. She said her X was a drug dealer, got her started on it, etc. She ended up quiting for me in time because I told her it would start to bug me if we got serious. After a couple of months she said she was forcing her feelings for me as well b/c she's never had a guy that was genuine like you said. She's used to controlling guys treating her like dirt and all. She went back to drugs, and living in her own world. Don't know if she went back to the X or not. Nothing I can do. There is nothing you can do about her drug problem. Many times, people just have to fall flat on their face in order to learn. That's the way I learned when I was younger. You guys aren't that close enough, or have known each other for that long to get involved. More than likely, she'd get defensive if you got involved. Its nothing against you personally, but that's what people do when you try and help and drug problems are involved. You can only help if they want the help, unless you are a good friend of theirs that you've known for a long time.

Consult an attorney. You can get a TRO (restraining order) placed against her. I'm not sure about "informal marriage." It may very well be common law, but the legislature in Texas may have overturned that. You guys were illicitly cohabitating as far as it goes. As for you knowing that she was running from the law, and your knowledge of it and failure to take action may amount to an indictment of a conspiracy (depends on the facts). Consult an attorney asap. Whether she has $$$ for an attorney or not, she is still capable of getting competant legal advice and bringing action. Make the first move and protect yourself.

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I think the whole pullling away thing is common after someone has had a bad experience or has had a number of them. In my case I made it so much worse then it should have been, but that's how I handled it at the time. My ego was so crushed. I was this co*ky guy, could get any girl I went after, always broke their hearts, and BAM, I just got dumped by the first girl that I fell for. I hooked up with a new girl like a month later because she was cute and all and really liked me, but I was so closed off to her. I told her what was going on with me (to a very limited degree) and she talked how she wanted to be there for me and thinking we can work this through. I ended up leaving her because I was not ready to date anybody and it wasn't fair to her. Girls I dated afterwards went through the same cycle: we hooked up and I ended up sabotaging things early on, never wanting to open up, and just running away. In time I began to warm up and get comfortable with it, and then when I found my second love I really opened up and things were great, but when things got bad my initial reaction was to run and get away from the pain. I stuck it out after talking with friends and them telling me this is normal, you'll get through it, it's your first test with the girl, and the whole "I always told you that you'd run away from the first new girl you meet that you absolutely fall for." I did get over this, and I did communicate this stuff to my girl. Sadly, she said she was going through the same thing and ended it because she wanted to halt any pain. It sucked for me at the time, but two things about it were that (1) I actually tried to work on things and I was honest and I communicated and I didn't turn tail and run, and (2) my now X understandably had similar problems as I was her first serious relationship after a very unhealthy 4 year relationship she had ended a year before we met. More than likely, flashbacks and fear crawled up for her, as well as maybe me telling her where I was at with things. You don't end a serious relationship after you're first big fight, but oh well. The best that you can do is be there for her, but this may be a prime case where she is just so confused with herself. It really depends on the person, how they cope, learn, and grow from bad experiences. Be careful not to set yourself up to get hurt. She is vulnerable. But without taking a risk, you don't know whether it'll blossom into an unbelieveable relationship or whether you'll just be a guinea pig. Go with your instinct here. If you really like her, get to know her somewhat and do not force or pressure anything from her. Make her feel comfortable around you, and when she does, she will really open up to you.

stratguy620 - it was a little bit of both. When I was in high school I was pretty bad with girls and lead them on, always dumped them in a bad way, jumped right in with a new girl, etc. Then I met a girl that I fell for in time when I was 18. Went to Cali for 2 weeks with buddies, came back home, meet up with her to give her some gifts from Cali and she tells me she wants to see other guys. I was absolutely devasted. My fear of commitment really stemmed from that relationship I had, and it took me a long time to fully get over her and I began to somewhat mature and learn from it. Then whenever I dated in college it was sort of my transition. I still had the qualities in me of being a player, leading girls on, and not wanting to get tied down with one, but my priorites began to shift slowly. My really close friend Nicole would talk to me about this and was right on: I was to afraid to open myslef up to someone for fear of getting hurt again. It was something that I had to work on, and I got better with it with each girl I dated, and I believe I'm fully over it now and that showed with the last girl I dated in that I started to pull away, and my friend Nicole always told me that when I would completely fall for a girl I would run away at the first sign of trouble which I started to do. But, I was honest and I talked with my then gf about this and I got over it. My X though said some BS a week after I told her I was running away, thinking about breaking up, but I'm willing to work on it, and then she just dumped me cold. I actually was willing to stay in a relationship and work on things when they get a little sour at times. Could be that I freaked her out somewhat by telling her this or acting this way, but I know that I truly did give it my all, I was honest with her, I communciated, and I didn't just jump ship. So it really was kind of both with me. Also though, I've lived through quite a bit (was a druggie back in the day, arrests, rehab, detox, etc) and have been clean for years. I know that has made me older beyond my years. I'll go out and drink, but am not into parties and that whole thing: been there, done that. I guess it goes the same with girls. I've had my fair share of s**** and don't want a party girl anymore. I'm looking for something more steady with someone that has there head on straight and has goals and is working on them, as opposed to getting by in school, living off mommy and daddys funds and partying every nite. Hope I provided the answer you're looking for in here somewhere.

I don't know about that. If a woman (or a man) is confused, then you are treading dangerous waters. You should not be dating to figure out what you want. Be alone first to figure out what exactly it is you want. Being single and alone and working on yourself helps you to figure out who you really are and what you really want. Some people lead others on from the beginning. I know I've done that in the past. I have also really liked some girls, but once I started to get to know them I began to get turned off (compatability/interests/etc.). I know that I had this image in my mind of what my ideal girlfriend would be like. I'd then meet a new girl, and sabotage the relationship early on because I figured it wouldn't work, i'd waste my time, and/or I'd get hurt in the end. Once I got over my fear of commitment and this extreme pickiness, my relationships got so much better. I couldn't believe what I had been missing out on. I began to take risks and open myself up to someone. But, most relationships don't work out for whatever reasons, and it may be painful, but you will learn and you will grow from it. There is a lot to learn from each relationship: what you want, what you did wrong, why the last relationship didn't work out, etc. In the end, you'll be a better person, and will be prepared to meet someone that will be even better then your X. Acts12 - I know the feeling. It sucks. Patience is key. I know I have a big problem with patience, and not just with relationships. Just in general. Only once did I kinda wait for a girl, and it was with my last relationship. I initiated a break because I felt we needed one and things just weren't the same, but it was not worth ending. 2 days later she wants to break up. Only time I ever took a break, thought it would do us some good, but it backfired. These things happen. Either you'll fall apart after a break, or you'll come back ever stronger. Hang in there. There's a great big plan for you in all of this.

It happens at this age, and it's not just women. It happens with both guys and gals. But being a guy, I can tell you that the girls I've dated within this age group are fickle. They are head over heals for me, in love, then poof! and they are gone. I'm 23 now, and I know what I want is a steady long term relationship. I've dated plenty of girls in my life, and have had more than my fair share of experience. I was never in serious relationships when I was in high school or college, but that was mainly because I was simply looking for action and no commitment. I used girls and I did not treat them right. Maybe this is karma for me. Or maybe it's the type of girl I end up dating. Who knows. But with experience and, more importantly, with age, my priorities have changed. I now look for different things now when it comes to dating/relationships. But others are not at this stage in life yet. We are still young, and many people, both guys and gals, are still experimenting, having fun, and just wanting to date around. I did this plenty when I was younger, so now I'm ready to go steady with someone. Thought I had that with my last girl, we were both on the same page, but poof, she took off after 1 big fight we had and said that we took things too fast, even though she was the one pressing me to take things to the next level. Nothing I can do but learn from it, keep the memories, and move on. Don't be discouraged. You will find that special someone. It may happen tomorrow, it might take longer. You never know with these things. But you gotta take risks.

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It absolutely is. But, the majority of these beautiful women that I have met or that friends have met support the theory that they have no personality. That's not to say that all of them are like that. There are outliers - the ones that have great looks and a great personality. I have heard of them existing, but have yet to meet them. The absolutely coolest girls that I have met are the plan or average ones. The ones that still do care about themselves, and put effort into their appearance, but they don't let that dominate there life though. One hot chick I dated spent at least 2 hours to get ready every day, even if she had no big plans for the day: about an hour and a half on make-up and a good 30 minutes trying to find her outfit for the day, which she changed about 8 times before she found one that looked "alright." Add in showering, eating breakfast, etc. That's a lot of time wasted on crap. This girl also did not have many friends. Matter of choice? I don't think so. She told me it was because her X was really controlling. I gave her the benefit of the doubt at the time because I didn't really know her that well yet, but in time, I just realized she sucked, and that's why she doesn't have many friends. Poor girl.

Definitely a personality issue. I've dated a couple of really hot chicks, and I always was amazed why they were so intimidated by me. I think it's really two-fold: (1) I treated them the same way as other girls. I did not drool over them or do anything to grab their attention with the hopes of hooking up. When I dated these girls all the other guys would just gawk at her, and she even mentioned to me that's just all that she's used to ever hearing from guys. The constant hitting on, attention, etc. I wasn't too drawn to her, and didn't give her preferential treatment. Wasn't jealous of her or insecure around her. I was myself around them, and I was comfortable around them. I think that may have been a turn-on for them. (2) Their personalities are...boring?..terrible? It's like they had nothing to talk about, and because they were so interested in me, they just mirrored my personality. I'd suggest doing something for fun, and most of the time she never even been there, done that, tried that, etc. Made me wonder what the heck they do with their time.

Why would you be hurting him by no contact? The guy broke up with you. It seems that I also hurt my X by doing the contact thing after she broke up with me. I find it odd how she was practically devasted by this. I actually wanted to go up to her when I saw her once and ask her if everything is ok. She decided to break up with me, yet she's messed up now because I don't want to speak with her. Explain that one. But about being analytical post break-up, I know all too well were you're coming from. Me and my X had a fantastic relationship, and it just vanished so, so quickly. None of it made any sense at the time, and none of it makes any sense today, and maybe, it never will.

Is this pretty much why ex's stay in contact? I'm sure there are times when friendship is still there to keep and touch and such, but would anyone need to be broken up and yet remain in contact to see if they should be with that person? They break up with you (for whatever reason(s)), and they want to remain in touch so they don't have to miss you and use it as a "weaning process" as was mentioned. I vote for no contact. Don't put yourself through the hurt and false hopes. Don't be their doormat. Let them miss you. Let them struggle emotionally without you to fallback on. This time apart will allow them to figure out what they really want, as well as what you really want. As tough as it is, it's the best route to take. Pain is the cornerstone of growth.

AmikeA- Like jjhung mentioned, ask yourself what it is you want. Do you need her, or is this something you want in your life? Matter of preference? Fill the void of loneliness? etc. An another interesting thing mentioned was about regrets. I know with my X I gave it almost my all. The break-up I could have handled better by not saying certain things, but heck, are break-ups ever really nice? The only thing I considered doing was writing a letter to her - a sincere letter, making amends to her, and asking her to have a talk with me one day since we had a great relationship until school started. I don't think I'm going to do this letter thing because of fear - who knows what she's thinking. But it was suggested to me because regardless of the matter, I'm the guy, and it's always the guy that has to go after her if I really want her in my life. Also, this way I treated her with respect all the way through (apologizing for acting out of emotion when we broke-up), and I can say I gave it my very best and all, regardless of what her reaction would be. It sounds like a great idea, but we do go to school together, so if she thinks I'm a psycho ex by doing this then I have to still see her quite a bit. On the flip side, it was mentioned that if she does think that of me if I sent the letter, then I should be absolutely proud and hold my head up high because I gave it everything I had and I tried.

Ya, my situation was a little different in that I rejected friends, wished her well with things, and said you never know what the future holds. Not necessarily that we would get back together, but maybe ge great friends, etc. Who knows. Only time will tell what will happens My situation was all about right person, wrong time. School literally ripped us apart, as well as other outside influences, regardless of the fact that we talked about it beforehand and thought that we were prepared. It was too big of a change in our relationship, and we were both in pain about our relationship when reality hit us in the face. Either way, she decided to break it off and I was not going to hang around and get/stay hurt. Like you said, who knows what her true intentions were. She did say she could not handle a relationship, and all the stress did take a beating on her feelings for me. In my case, it's not another guy or anything serious that either one of us did. I'm laying low for the time being. Let her miss me, and let us both heal. My feelings have changed for her as well, but that's because I havn't seen or spoken with her in a while. I'm sure if we started to talk and hang out again, those feelings would resurface. This seems to always happen, at least with certain X's, and on both our parts. I suggest you really heal, gain some perspective on your faults and her faults, evaluate if this is something you truly want, etc. Then act on it if that's what you want. If you decide not to, then keep the memories and amend your mistakes with the next girl you meet. But I still wonder, if I had stayed friends, what might have happened... Bah. Who am I kidding. I did what was right for me at the time. Good luck!

This was exactly my situation, and I recently posted it under "breaking up: should i have been friends?" I believe I did the right thing, but wondered why she was so adamant about keeping in touch. She does not keep in touch with other x'.

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I know exactly how you feel. My gf broke up with me right when I needed her most as well. Within 2 weeks I started law school, had a sudden change in living arrangements, found out my dad may lose his job, had a car I borrowed broken into, had my own car stolen, my bro left for europe for a year, and then she breaks up with me. Talk about 2 weeks of hell. But, I made it through. It's been 7 weeks this Friday since we broke up. All I did was talk to people. I was talkin with parents, friends, old friends from college, old friends from high school, making myself go out almsot every night for at least an hour or 2 to clear my mind, and I signed up on 2 forums to chat some more. Today, I feel good. I am a much stronger person. All the crap that happened has passed for the most part: car stuff was taken care of very nicely by insurance companies, bro is doing great, have a longer commute to school but I've adjusted, got into my flow here at school, work for my dad is still a concern, and the X is not worth it and doesn't deserve me. Channeling your emotions into school, as was suggested, is a good way of going about things. Focus on that. I know that it helped me. Also, I motivated myself by putting in extra effort with school as a form of revenge at my X. Success is the sweetest revenge out there. With the weight issue, start to run, a lot. One, exercise is great for the body, and two, it is fantastic for the mind. Relieves stress and gets your mind of off your X. I was running everyday after we broke up, and pushed myself when I ran as a form of revenge at my X whenever I wanted to just stop running when I was tired (haha, I guess my forms of revenge where in healthy outlets). Then when you do stop running, you feel like you're on top of the world because anti-depressant chemicals are released throughout your body to numb the pain from the run. You will look good and you will feel good. Just hang in there. You will get through this, and in the end, you will be a much stronger person. Everything happens for a reason.

The girl rejected you by saying lets be friends because she isn't romantically interested in you or she lost romantic interest in you. Why would you want to be friends with her? I know I wouldn't. I'm not looking for a friend when I met a girl, I'm looking for a lover. I have plenty of friends already. Learn how to read non-verbal communication. If a girl is interested in you, there are a ton of signs she gives you. Learn what these are. Non-verbal communication is a HUGE part of communication. Even before she says one word to you, you'll know if she's interested in you romantically or not. A person can say anything they want to, but you can tell if they are being true to their word or not by studying their body language, behavior and actions.

Mahlina - If it ends on good terms, then sure. A do think that it's a good thing to remain friends with X's, but the situation I referred went down like this which I posted a while back on a different forum: I told an X no contact when we broke-up. I was willing to work on our relationship, but she wasn't for whatever reasons. She is the one who made the decision to break-up, and I respect that. She asked if we're still friends, and I said no. She went ballistic on me, argued, and wanted to know why not because there are shades of gray she claims. I told her that (1) you are the one that wanted to break-up, (2) ironically it happened when I had a lot of stuff going on in my life were you weren't even a friend to me or supportive, (3) you were a bi^&h to me the past 2 weeks, you don't care, and I don't want people like that in my life, and (4) I need time to heal. Stop claiming to me that we are "best friends," friends don't even do that to one another. They are there for one another. I told her that it's best if we just stay out of each other's lives at this point. I told her to stay completely out of mine. I have had enough of her. She continued to argue, and her last defense was about being civil when we see each other at school. I told her that we'll worry about that when we cross paths. I didn't argue with her or angrily tell her these things, but she got defensive because she couldn't get what she wanted, but, she has respected my requests per sa. We're talking about a girl here that fell madly in love with me from the onset, one that I fell for eventually, and then she goes icey cold over a 2 week period and ends it saying let's be friends, even though we had a great relationship, it was healthy, and I did nothing wrong supposedly, but things weren't "perfect" anymore. Man did that hurt, but good riddance.

I guess it's just maybe a matter of the person. Whenever I lost interest in a girl, and this happened to me because there was someone else that I was into more, I simply told her that it's just best to go our separate ways. I havn't done that since high school early college though. Back then I just jumped around relationships, but now I look for something steady. I never used the friends line because that's ridiculous, unless the break-up was mutual, which never happened in my life thus far. If a girl I date eventually looks at me as only a friend, then ya, it'll hurt for a bit, but I'll get over it. Even then though, I still will never be friends with her. Just a matter of principle with me. If she doesn't like me, then that's fine, my life will go on, but without her in the pic ever again.

Ya, it hurt, but once that all passed, I began to laugh about it a lot. It was very strange: it took off so quickly and was very intense, it then ended quickly and cold, the pain lingered for a bit, but then the memories faded quickly as well. This girl did not play me and she was genuine. She was everything that I wanted, and gave me the world. I treated her really well as well. We both mentioned when we were together that this is too good to be true, and that it's like a fairy tale, etc. Strange how these things work, but today when I look back I laugh about it. I truly don't know what happened. But man, "let's just be friends" hurt. Rather she tell me I'm a terrible boyfriend, but she said I wasn't. But girls, or guys, if you've been with someone, then just see them as only a friend, why would you throw a tantrum if the other party rejects it? For crying out loud, you're the one that just dumped me cold. Talk about wanting her cake and eating it too.

Well that one girl I dated, we actually were in a relationship together, which was mutual, AND she really chased after me in the beginning AND had a huge crush on me. She said "I love you" to me after a couple of months of knowing me, always called, always wanted to be with me, etc. It was one of those relationships that I can never explain what happened. Maybe too much of a good thing too quickly. There was this week of red flags, us arguing on and off, her crying quite a bit, mentioning she's not happy all of a sudden, etc. It was tough for me because there were no signs before this, so I don't know if she suppressed it for some time or not. During this we were still physical as well. Heck, we had sex few days before we brokeup. Then she coldly tells me let's just be friends, and argues with me when I said no. haha. Maybe we just had one hell of a fight dragged out for a week. Who knows. Either way, it did hurt. I accepted her decision, but it still hurt.