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stargazer25

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  • Birthday 10/23/1979

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  1. Robowarrior- I did not state anywhere in my post that I am insecure. I am not insecure as a whole. Yes, I have my moments about certain things, like everyone does. However, my problem stems from the *guys* being insecure, and as of late my bf. He very much appeared to be confident in himself, his own ideas, his morals, etc. It was what attracted me to him in the first place. What has made me feel trapped and pressured is this need for him to validate himself through me. I have expressed to him a great deal how much I care about him, think of him, miss him, etc. However, it is not enough, because he keeps thinking there is something wrong if I am not expressing it 24/7. I cannot be only my responsibility to make someone happy. I cannot be a puppet where someone demands me to tell them how I feel all the time. Then to say it again. Then say it again...oh...then again because he feels bad. This is a man that has his own life, interests, etc...and now...after a month I am suddenly his world.
  2. I will try and make a long story short. When I was 19, (am 26 now) I met someone and dated him for 5 years. We were engaged...and broke up in 2004. Hindsight is 20/20 and when I think back it was a horrible relationship, and I wonder what I was on I very much went through 'stages' after that. I worked on improving myself...a few months after that...even tried dating. I decided I didn't like dating too much either. So, the last 'date' I went on was over a year ago. I discovered that I am perfectly happy by myself. I remember a time where I had to feel validated that 'someone loved me', wanted a bf, wanted to be a couple...and for a year, I didn't feel that. I was happy with my friends, and family, as well as doing things for myself, ie interests and a lot of time spent by myself. And no, this happiness of being single doesn't stem from 'yay I get to date tons of people'...I just like being by myself. Moving on to insecurity...I think everyone has something about themselves that makes them a little insecure. This can be something about them physically, their income, some behavior they have, and I think that is perfectly normal. What I don't think is normal is when someone is insecure about many things, or everything, and then make it known to anyone they can is a little odd in my opinion, but I understand the reasoning for it. Right now, I am in a relationship. It took a lot of thought and decision, as like I said, I was really happy being single. It seems to be the case that history is repeating itself, like it always does, and I feel like it is too late. I know it is never too late, but it sure feels like it. As is the case with the past, as it is now, I was attracted to the guy on many levels. Physically, emotionally, intellectually. It starts out that I am attracted to their confidence (not cockyness), their sureity, their zest for life. Their morals, humor, the whole package. But then, after a few weeks, they start to voice their insecurity. I don't mean "____ bothers me sometimes", those kind of things I can handle, no problem. It is when they become very needy and insecure. It feels like after a few weeks, I suddenly have the sole responisbilty of making them feel good about themselves. If I don't respond with the same enthusiasm with their query, there is something 'wrong' with our relationship. If I don't greet them with massive amounts of affection, there is something 'wrong' with our relationship. I feel like they demand affection and 'mushy' words at the drop of a hat, and if I can't do that instantly, there is something 'wrong' with our relationship. I feel pressured, I feel trapped and it leads to me wanting to avoid them, which in turn makes them turn the pressure up because there is something 'wrong' with our relationship. I am very uncomfortable dealing with the small amounts of insecurity I have, but I am doubly uncomfortable dealing with the mass amounts some of these interests / dates / bfs have. I can't help but wonder exactly how I am attracting these 'needy' types in the first place. Needy people make me turn and run in the other direction, so in the end I feel like total crap because I end up hurting these people, because I distance myself or break up with them, or whatever. I am just very uncomfortable suddenly becoming someone's number 1 after a few weeks, I feel like I am getting demanded to perform acts or words of affection, I feel stressed and pressured. Yes, the logical solution is 'talk' to them. To be clear, I have. I was told the same logical answer. "it's not a big deal, I don't expect that from you, etc etc", but the behavior is the same. I have no idea what to do
  3. I will try to make it short..... 2 months ago, I asked a female friend if she would mind taking me and my male friend to the airport, and i would give her gas money. My Male friend is going to Europe for a year to work. She said no problem. I see her a few days ago...and she mentions that I didn't call her back a few days before. HOWEVER, she didn't leave a message...but claims she did (uh-huh...and I just mysteriously didn't get it). So she tells me she is really excitied....she just bought a new car. I told her, "great, that's awesome". I was telling someone else about how I was making dinner for my Male friend before he left.....and couldn't remember what day my female friend was picking up her new car (wasn't sure if it was the day we were supposed to go to the airport). So I went over to her, and clarified....and was trying to tell her something, and she kept interrupting me and asking if I was excited that she was getting a new car. I smiled....then she got irritated....and asked me again if I was excitied. I asked her "Why...do I get to drive it?". That was said as a JOKE. At that point she threw her stuff on the counter and stalked off. I called over to her "What is wrong with you"...and she said "NEVERMIND"...so I said "fine" and walked away. Now, please correct me if I am wrong here....but isn't it really immature for a 23 year old to throw stuff and have a meltdown over the fact that I wasn't jumping up and down and freaking out about her car? This has left my male friend in a complete bind, 3 days before he leaves. What REALLY upsets me, is that it was really important for me to see him off. He is one of my best friends, I love him to death, will miss his to death, and she has completely stolen that moment from me. Him leaving, although it is an awesome opportunity for him, is going to be incredibly difficult.....we are very close. My female "friend"....I don't want to speak to her again...EVER. I know what she wanted.....she wanted attention. To top it off, I work with her...which doesn't help. BUT believe me, there are plenty of people willing to fall all over themselves to her about her car....or anything for that matter. I am incredibly angry that she is so selfish. I tried to make the situation better by leaving her a message. I told her in the message that I was sorry that I didn't react the way she wanted me to, and that I had a lot on my plate (which is true...my life seems in shambles....another story). I also mentioned my Male friend, saying that if she was going to be mad at me for 2 weeks (like she usually is)....then I need to know about the trip to the airport so I could arrange something else. She didn't, and I know WON'T call me back. Whenever I tried to talk to her about some of my problems, she always interrupts me, changes the subject, talks about herself....or doesn't offer anything back (advise, understanding, etc). This situation has upset me a great deal, I don't want to be friends with her anymore...but I also want to make that clear to her. I don't want to get sucked in again. She also needs to know that reneging on something that was SO important to me is unforgiveable. Any advice?
  4. Much has happened in the last year.... My fiance and I broke about a year ago. We were together for 5 years. After that...I of course grieved, worked on myself and got over the relationship. 6 months after the breakup...I went on a few dates with different people over the course of a few months. Nothing serious at all. The last date I went on was in March. In April, I graduated from University. Still looking for that "great" job...but that is another story. Lately, I have been feeling the pressure. Some of my co-workers have been talking about how "when I was your age, I was married and had 2 kids" etc. I get off handed comments from people about "Do you have a bf" etc. It is starting to feel like the movie Bridget Jones' Diary. This is the thing. I don't want to date. I don't want to meet new men, I don't want to have a boyfriend, I don't want a house with a white picket fence. This is, in a way odd for me...because in High school and just after....and even a few months after the ex, I WANTED to date. Now, I have no incling to....at some points the thought of even having a bf makes me want to vomit. No, this isn't against men at all...I think most of them are great. However, the types that I seem to attract are ones that are your typical insecure "loser" who is doing nothing with their life, still at home, doesn't work, does drugs, and whines....OR...is very traditional, envisions me staying at home and having 10 babies, while he brings home the "bacon", and tends to my wifely / motherly duties. Neither appeal to me. I have always been a naturally guarded person....meaning that I am cautious with everyone I meet (whether they are potential bf or potential female friends). I am not afraid of being "hurt"...I just don't care to associate myself with people that will take me for granted. I know that it is not wrong to not want a boyfriend. However, I absolutely have no desire to have one now or ever. And I honestly don't really see that changing. Although...I am not sure I am prepared for the "social suicide" of remaining single. I am not sure if I am prepared to have that stigma. Is there a way to deal with the stigma? We all know what the stigma is.... People figure you are either a lesbian, too picky, CAN'T get a bf, or wonder what is REALLY wrong with you. Yes, I am aware that I am *only* 25....however, I guess I don't wish to complicate my life anymore than necessary.
  5. I appreciate what you are saying...thank you It just gets really frustrating. I don't think I should have to change either....but sometimes I just feel like I am just not being accepted. If I do "change" then I am not really being who I am......then the ironic thing is I would become too fake. One thing my ex said when we broke up "Why don't you go hang out with your smart "university" crowd"...very rudely I might add. That is what I mean....I don't do it on purpose
  6. This is really bothering me. I have talked to many friends about the problems that I am having "dating". I have been trying to figure out what the problem is. My ex and I broke up in June of last year...and I decided to get into the dating game about October/November. I absolutely hate it. I seem to meet either extremely flaky guys, the ones who ONLY want sex, or the ones that are incredibly needy and smothering. Before I started dating, I clearly defined what I wanted to myself. Wrote it all down...just so I would have a point of reference. They are not outlandish demands by any means...I would like to meet someone who is similar to me. So...many hours of discussion later...my friends (separate discussions) have come to the conclution I am "too" smart. The conclution includes: The manner in which I speak (vocabulary) is too high for the "everyday guy", the way I think, the way in which I discuss my ideas or opinions...they believe that for most men it is too advanced or deep. Yes, I am a critical thinker...I think deeply about most issues before I form an opinion. However, I am not self-righteous, nor do I "show off" or try to impress anyone. This is just the way I am. I do not think that I am "too smart" for everyone....but I know I am not unintellegent. I hate this feeling that in order for me to meet someone, I have to "dumb down". I have met many guys that go on and on and on about how intellegence is attractive, intellegence is sexy etc, but what it really translates into "I want someone smart, but not smarter than me"...in the end they get flaky..and don't call back. Dating is supposed to be fun...however, for me..I feel like it is chipping away at my self-esteem. I always feel like there is something wrong with me. I am either too fat, too smart, too social, too flirty, a tease, too serious, too young, too old, too pretty, too ugly, too modern, too traditional.....I am always too something. This is just really starting to get to me. I think I am fun and social...I think I am great....but all this dating stuff is just making me feel horrible. Some people say "don't take it personally"...well...rejection IS personal. There is something THEY don't LIKE about YOU. This may sound drastic...but at this point, I don't want to date. In fact, I don't want to date ever again. I am starting to wonder what the whole point is. I think this idea of not dating hit with the last "date". Went out, had a great time, he was flirting with me ALL night...we kiss for quite awhile...and boom...don't hear from him again. I am naturally an honest person...and I am not going to hang myself if someone isn't interested in me....HOWEVER, it would be really nice to not be used.
  7. Long time ago I dated a girl quite similar to you according to your description. She was considerate, smart, I say good looking girl. She was not playing any games etc. But, she has a interesting personality: very straightforward and very pushy but considerate at the same time. She was really good, but I could not bear when she was trying to talk me in something with a lot of energgy and passion on the second date. Just not many people like that. Again, she was trying to be polite but her personality was too straightforward and pushy for me. It is just a trait, but it is yes sort of intimidating: since how would I find a compromise with such a person if she trying to presuade me into doing somehting right away with a lot of energy? I dont mind discussing things but dont like to be bossed around, or defending my opinion all the time. Maybe this would help you to understand yourself better? Thank you for bringing that up. I have asked around...and my friends looked at me like I had a third eye when I asked if I was pushy. I rarely if ever have a confrontation with anyone. Nor am I percieved, with my friends and family as pushy.....to a "stranger" maybe. Yes, I am passionate about my views....however, I am never forceful with people. IF someone brings up some debatable issue (say abortion for example)...I will debate (never on first dates or anything like that)....but I have carefully formulated my opinion with logic...and I expect someone else to do the same. You can't just throw out "I believe in the death penelty" without a basis for you opinion. I realize that for people that are more meek or "quiet" I may be too much. That is okay, I can accept that. I am not about to become non-opinionated, or dumb down so other people less confident won't be threatened. That isn't to say I up the anti by any means. Some people are very insecure, and while I understand that, and am very compassionate to that....I won't coddle them either. The guy in reference to the latter posts.....I asked him near the end of the date if he found me intimidating. He was very surprised...and answered "No, not at all....where would you get an idea like that"? I guess the what I am trying to get at....is, I tell them what I am like, how I deal with situtation, etc...and they all act happy and excited, telling me that I am refreshing, that they like me, can't wait to see me etc,etc, etc....then nothing. Like I said....I don't expect everyone to like me, and I don't expect (if they are not interested) to ask me out again. What I do expect is, if I call or email them....for them to have some courtesey and basic politeness to at LEAST fire off an email and tell me they aren't interested, not ignore me....it is just rude, plain and simple.
  8. I think you should talk to her...and I think you should deal with it. I have a fiance for 5 years. When we first started dating...he was insanely jeleous of my gay friend. He thought things like he was just "pretending" to be gay, or that he wasn't really gay...and was trying to get me. It upset me very much. I have a gay male friend right now...and he is truly the best. We flirt with each other all the time....but that is my point....we obviously don't want to sleep with each other...but we always joke around and flirt. It is always on good fun...and I wouldn't trade him for the world
  9. I wouldn't have a problem with it. HOWEVER, I have been called "accomidating"...not quite to the extent that you site....and they run for the hills. Guess we all want people to be somewhat of a challange.
  10. Again...I guess I should clarfiy. We broke apart when kissing and he laughed and said "I was planning to leave at 2"..I asked "Why didn't you?" And he said "Cause you are a witch" (He has jokingly called me that before)...and he did say it laughing....THEN went in to kiss me again. I understand that the date was long. HOWEVER, at any point he could have chose to leave. This date was light and fun....I did go into it thinking "we are going to have a blast". I didn't sit him down or anything and ask "where is this going" or something! I have literally spend years trying to figure out WHY I am intimidating. I have gotten this "phrase" since high school. I have looked intrinsically at what MY problem could be....I have asked others...almost all people that I am friends with or have been friends with over the years. I didn't just come off and blame the entire gender without looking at me first. I have looked at myself at great length. I understand NOW...that he obviously isn't interested. If he was, he would have called. I did email him the next day and thanked him. I called ONCE 3 days ago....he didn't call back.....so the proof is in the pudding. The point that I am trying to make is, it is rude to treat someone insignificant by ignoring them......it isn't hard to say "not interested". Instead, he choose to think I don't exist. I am not saying he owes me anything...however, I think everyone owes everyone basic courtesey. I should also add...that HE was the one telling ME that he was looking for a relationship...NOT the other way around. Further...if you don't want a relationship....then simply don't date. Go to the bar, pick someone up and take them home. So...yes, I have spend a great amount of time looking at me. I am not perfect, nor claim to be....however...the only thing I can come up with is that on some level I am picking flakey men. IF that is the case...I can only do so much to stop that. AND ususally they don't flake out right away.
  11. Ahh...I forgot to mention....this guy did kiss me first. He gave me a hug and a peck on the lips. THEN gave me another hug....I wouldn't say I just moved right in....it WAS mutual. And if you are not into someone....then you certainly don't sit there with an erection half the night. And you certainly wouldn't kiss them for an HOUR, and yes it was an hour. Yes, I did "let" him impress me with his wit, and his intellegence....I did not dominate the conversation. Further...he mentioned before he left that he was going to leave at a certain time and didn't. SOOOO...if you are not into someone...why stay longer than you intended? Further...if you are just after sex, then you make a move. A peck on the lips....does not indicate you want to JUST sleep with someone. Am I afraid to be vulnerable? No. However, I don't lay everything on the line and tell people my life story either...well...certainly not right away. To the other poster...I have told people that I am not interested in them. I don't hold a different standard to people than I hold myself to. I don't "ignore" people....but expect them to tell me what is going on. Further...I understand that after one date I shouldn't all of a sudden become his entire world. HOWEVER, before a date...if you are talking on the phone for hours then you can't be THAT disinterested. The one night I had to work and didn't talk to him, he emailed me. This is my summary of the date just to clarify: His suggestion was to go to this restaurant, which is quite private, and also quite pricey. I felt uncomfortable about this..as I don't really enjoy people spending that kind of money...but I had resolved to order something that was not expensive (which I did!). He picked me up, went to the restaurant, he opened doors for me, sat at the restaurant had a lot of fun. We flirted a lot, smiled a lot, laughed a lot. He came back to my place, I massaged his back for over an hour while we watched a movie. The movie ended, so we watched tv. He continued to flirt, tickle me, give me a hand massage, laugh, joke around and talk. At the end of the date he also told me that he was planning to leave earlier than he actually did. He did things like play with my hair, and stroke my cheek. During this whole time, I was waiting for him to kiss me...but he didn't. I walked him to the door...he gave me a hug and a peck on the lips. He then gave me another hug, and we kissed. I even asked him why he originally only gave me a peck. He said it was because he was a "nice guy".
  12. I even understand having a bad date or dates. Understand that. However, what I don't understand....is if you aren't interested, then that is all you have to say. Don't play games. One guy...I started seeing him for like a month....then he fell off the planet. It really isn't so hard to say "Hey, I don't see this going anywhere". Further...what is worse is when you have a really awesome date, and they don't call. My wiring isn't off....I know when a date has gone bad....and the last one wasn't bad in the slightest. I have made it clear to people that I am confident, am opinionated, believe in honesty, don't like flakiness etc. They are always enthusiastic about it, find it "refreshing"...then they don't...or something. It's not like I am saying it to impress them...it is me. It shouldn't be a big surprise when I am like that. And yes, since my last relationship I have clearly defined to myself what I want. I do know what I want and what I don't. Yes, I have "rejected" people, but I have done so in a way that doesn't make them feel like total jerks, nor have I ever treated somebody like they were insignificant by ignoring them. Yes, I do have flaws...but in my mind they are not "drastic" flaws. Also, my positive attributes aren't horrible either. Meaning...yes I am honest, but I am not rude. I am confident, but not arrogant. I am opinionated, but I never shoot someone else's opinions down. See what I mean? And Annie...others have always called me intimidating....I don't think that of myself. I don't think I am...I think I am a pretty nice person. Many people have told me that I was intimidating in the beginning, but after they got to know me...don't see it at all. I don't walk around feeling like I am too much to handle....actually I think I am pretty down to earth.
  13. No wonder...lmfao...I am in the wrong country..lol
  14. Well...if someone told me where they were hiding, I would give it a try..lol
  15. I totally understand where you are coming from. And believe me, I have analyzed myself to death. I am a psych major, go figure. I have asked everyone I know (my friends are the type to say "hey wait a second here"), I have asked friends, family, parents, siblings....and all of them don't have a clue. This is what I get from them: You are confident, and that intimidates people You know what you want, and that intimidates people You don't play games, and that intimidates people ETC ETC I am not saying that I am perfect....but at this point...as I have analyzed myself to death, I come up with nothing. I have even asked friends...well...maybe it is this? And they will disagree. So I am at a loss
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