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Katheelynn

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  1. Katheelynn
    I so identify with you that we could be twins...I just went to my therapist and fell apart in his office feeling exactly the same way...my circumstances are different, but I too am taxed from taking care of everyone else in my family and no one really giving a second thought about what I might need. I feel I am here for their convience. I know they love me, but they are so used to me handling everything that I think they think I am a superperson with no need of support. Who hugs me when I down? Do they even consider the effect their constant demands have on me? I sometimes wonder. I often think about just getting in my truck and driving away. It would be sooo cool to just get up and have coffee and not worry about what the day will bring. Just do whatever I want to do. You are not alone in your needs. I want you to know that I acknowledge what a draining spot you are in now. You defin needs someone to vent to and lean on. Nothing is wrong with the feelings you are having. If Heaven has a special crown for those that have given beyound the norm, you would be wearing a jelwled golden crown.
  2. Katheelynn
    wow.....that meant alot to me....ty for letting me know someone else understands the feeling I experience...its weird
  3. Katheelynn
    ty for your stopping by and posting your thoughts...there was a time I felt like you look...LOL...I guess I am making progress. It only hurts when I am awake now...I am trying to live with me now...lots and lots of guilt...something I am very very good at...this too will pass....
  4. Katheelynn
    ty for your stopping by and posting your thoughts...there was a time I felt like you look...LOL...I guess I am making progress. It only hurts when I am awake now...I am trying to live with me now...lots and lots of guilt...something I am very very good at...this too will pass....
  5. Katheelynn
    Im very proud of you and what your wrote...you gave it a chance...you showed you accepted responsibility for you past behavior and were willing to adjust waht may have been part of the problem. Sometimes it just doesnt work out. What a big step you have taken!! Im sure that when love comes your way again, you will apply those same changes you tried on your ex. Good at ya!!!
  6. Katheelynn
    I have to admit that when I first read your posting I wanted to say "oh sure, listen to you now that your in love again. Youve got all the advice, I guess you have forgotten all the P A I N." But, I know you havent forgotten. Most of what you said I agree with and overall I feel like your right on the money. I paid th e most attention to the part you said about being guilty of doing something that may have contributed to the breakup. That hit home cos I think I did. I have never been able to love me. Poor self image and all that. MY ex had me believing I was wonderful and beautiful. He treated me like a Queen. I actually thought I was. I admit I acted spoiled at times. We never fought cept bout my son. Ultimately, I guess that is what caused the divorce. It happened in a split second. He pushed the divorce thru. He even made a statement about as soon as he moved out, his heartburn stopped. The second day the divorce was final, he called the kids and asked if they wanted to be in his wedding. That was it. 16 years of me thinking I was ok was gone in a flash. The anger was so overwhelming; second only to the self image screaming at me "I told you that your not worth it". I have accepted the anger and it has almost gone. I honestly dont think I could accept love again. I guess IM broken. I do want to laugh again and enjoy having a mate. Im 52 and young for my age. Not many are interested in my age with kids still living at home. I have lost my beauty..in and out!!
  7. Katheelynn
    even tho I dont want to agree with you about life being cruel, I do have to say I feel as if I am being punished, only I cant be sure what I did wrong...I remember as a child that I never wanted to be a career person, other than a MOM...I have 2 birth children and 4 adopted children...what a trip this has been...Im 52 and Im raising a 16 year old and a 13 year old alone now...ok ok ok, I do think I know why I am being punished...I have been self-centered and spoiled...I wanted my own way...I thought it all revolved around me...and boy o boy, I have been shown the light...I now know my place in the running of things and I think its important to say that I accept it...I am seeing a man that does not pamper me at all...doesnt tell me I look nice...doesnt think of things that would please me...doesnt tell me how he feels about me...its NOT that he is cruel, he just doesnt show much...what a difference but I accept it...he is on disability and has a very very bad back...now I am the one that looks after him...I think Im suppose to be learning something and I accept it....between you and me, I miss having someone kinda do some little things cos of romance...Im so dramatic
  8. Katheelynn
    Hmmmm....I wonder how he would react if you were t he one seeking sex from others? Perhaps, he is seeking an Open Marriage, where each are free to seek other partners for sex. I understand you have to be very very secure in your love for each other to enjoy sex for sex's sake. Have you had this discussion with him? If he is ok with you doning the same behavior as he is, then you need to really sit down and have a good think with yourself. Can you tolerate that kind of marriage? I feel your confusion, but I do feel you need to get his intentions out in the open and both of you accept the openess in your relationship.
  9. Katheelynn
    Another week has begun. The last week was not too bad, but Ive settled into a kind of secure rut..I got to work, come home and stay in my room and go to bes asap...again, I wake up and go to work...Im still not able to get back into any hobbies...nothing has any interest for me..I can say that the anger has somewhat subsided, but there still are no feelings...I admit there are moments of great sadness when I allow myself to think back..and the guilt is HUGE...but yet there is a small light trying to glow for independence...I just dont do well alone...I like having a partner, but now I dont think Im really capable of loving...I know I need to just concentrate on me getting well with me, but life is lonely with just me...Ive never done real good with ME and yet IM a loner...basically, I am a paradox walking around..my mind knows all the correct answers and my heart just wont accept it...I think I was born broken or missing a vial part in the relationship department...
  10. Katheelynn
    Im amazed at how beautiful your memories of him are. What a tribute to the love for your brother. Thank you for sharing that with me.
  11. Katheelynn
    I have to say that my reactions to a breakup are a mixture of my experiences and my upbringing, mixed with a self image of myself and self worth...in my case, I have had a negative self image my whole life...my ex hubby did everything he could to build up my self image...he actually got me almost convinced I was very attractive and brilliant...when we divorced I stepped back a full 16 years worth...now I had old age to mix into that low self image, plus 2 teen age kids I am raising alone...so, to make a long answer short, I do feel we have many contributing factors that play a role in our handling a breakup.
  12. Katheelynn
    I have to agree with saren...I experienced the same thing...my long term marriage ended with a fast divorce..2 days after it was final, he called and asked the children if they wanted to be in his wedding...I had NO idea...none...zip...it was so hard to stand b4 my children and tell them it was great for them to be in his wedding cos we wanted only the very best for their Dad. I died inside and its been over a year and Im just beginning to entertain the idea of living again. Let it go and the reasons are not important. What is important is YOU. Treat yourself with love and compassion...baby yourself...protect yourself. I wish you merry blessings.
  13. Katheelynn
    I have had just about the very same thing...over and over again I would dream about the divorce. There was a very slight difference in some of the details, but the end result was always the same..basically, the dreams had the same people involved and the same feelings were present when I woke up...pain and frustration...I always thought it was me trying to resolve the issues...I wish I could resole the issues when I was awake and let me rest when I sleep...have you considered finding a therapist to share these dreams with? Time does heal, but in your case, Id say 3 years is long enought.
  14. Katheelynn
    If he likes porn, have u considered watching it with him and role playing? He may have a desire for the a kinda different sexual play. The chatting with women on the net is disturbing to me. I am going to keep you in my thoughts.
  15. Katheelynn
    I have to gently disagree with your statement that she must still care for him if she is still so bitter. In some circumstances that my be the case; however, in this case she has maintained the plan of moving ahead. Its plain she does not want this relationship to continue. Her bitter "I hate you" could be out of frustration for the lack of closure on his part. Let it go and allow her to move in the direction she wants to. If she does have the feeling for him down deep, then she needs to make the next move. In other words, the ball is in her court.
  16. Katheelynn
    WOW...I cant say that enuff....boy, Im hoping you have had closure on this...I dont know what has caused her to be so hateful, but, let it go....she doesnt want any communication and I think it would be hurtful to you to even consider another communication in any way. My best wishes go with you.
  17. Katheelynn
    I never ever thought I would experience this marriage ending. I think back and if ever there were 2 people that belonged, it was us. I guess I took it for advantage, but now its gone. Im trying very hard to get thru the grieving. Ive accepted the loss and let most of the anger go. Now I feel such sadness. Im 52 years old and facing my old age alone. I cant help but think maybe that is what is due me I know Im feeling sorry for myself, but I am trying to accept that I may not have a partner in my life. I miss the laughter, the company, the security. It happened so suddenly, I was not prepared. Honestly, I just dont think I can really love again like I want to. IM so sad. Its been over a year and IM making process, but I want to feel again. Im scared.
  18. Katheelynn
    Has he ever disclosed this to his doctor?.....I know that would really be difficult for a man to admit, but it will be worth both your wiles to have him do so....or if he does really think its a co ntrol issue, how you considered having alittle wine before sex?....That may relax him to the point that he just enjoys the moment and things take their course.
  19. Katheelynn
    Your statement that you had spoke to her for hours on the phone and she did not change her mind answered your own question. She has moved on. I understand what your experiencing and IM sure you are confused. Could you be experiencing "thrill of the hunt" kinda thing? Knowing she has moved may be a challange to you. I do acknowledge that you said most of the problems were your fault and I praise you for admitting that. It is my opinion that unless you are totally committed to her, please let her continue on her journey.
  20. Katheelynn
    I also agree totally with the NO CONTACT. Please consider the fact that he did go away for several years and during that time you fell in love with another man whi IS HERE. I cant help but agree that you may be in love with a dream. You remember the good times, but did you include the reasons you all drifted apart? Even though you have not been together but 5 years, you may be in a slight rut. Maybe you can do alittle homework on adding abit of fireworks into your marriage. Iwant you to know that I totally understand your situation. I think all of us have have felt like you are at one time or another. Some act on it and some use it to better what they have. I wish you luck.
  21. Katheelynn
    Once again, thank you for your words...I am so glad I found this place..yesterday was my first day and the good I got out of it is priceless..I NEED this place to just let it all out and I will take your advice and just put it all down here or on paper. I will also review it b4 I go to see the therapist...when you said its ok if its the same thing over and over again..I had tried writing it down before and it always ended up being the same stuff so I stopped..I didnt think it was good to keep going over the same thing..gosh, my dreams were the same thing over and over again too...so frustrating...at least the dreams have begun to vary alittle and I think I have let the anger go..what does confuse me is when am I focusing on this too much and how much thinking about how Im feeling is too much?..I feel like I either stuff it down inside and ignore it or focus all my being on searching for an answer.
  22. Katheelynn
    My opinion is not to have contact with her. Her actions are saying she HAS moved on. Spare yourself the pain of more rejection and concentrate on you. She knows where and how to reach you if she changes her mind. You appear to have the answer, now you need to just step out and act on it!
  23. Katheelynn
    What a great reply and one cannot be too direct!! Thank you so much for being blunt, I respond to that very well. I have a tendency to get caught up in my sorrow. The drama of it all. Actually, to be honest, I feel like 2 people. On the outside and at work I am confident and up. Im professional, but not too friendly. No reall discussions of "my life" with the others at the water cooler. As I walk outside, I feel myself begin to transform into my other self. The ideas of what to accomplish for that day slowly begin to fade. As Im driving home, I ponder on where I am today. By the time I pull in my drive way, Im ready for bed. I dispise myself for being so weak, but IM exhausted. I have been on meds since 86. That was when I had my first panic attack. I was a paramedic and I thought I was having a heart attack. I experienced those till bout 93. What a hell that was. I dont have the spells anymore but I just cant find happiness. I feel like Im searching all the time. I drive myself nuts sometimes. By the time I have an appt, the confident self is in control. I bet the therapist thinks Im a case for being there. Even while IM there, inside me IM saying "why cant you help me?" I leave there with a smile and a wave and head for home. Again, by the time IM home, gone is "Ms In Control" and IM crawling in the house, retreating into my room. There are times I walk into the livingroom and it doesnt even feel like my home. Since IM spilling my guts, let me say when I go to the doc (more like break down in the doc's office in a pool of tears), I feel like a failure. Some kinda woman in her midlife crisis asking for drugs. I am on wellbutrin and effexor twice a day. Maybe what I need are shock treatments. That was a joke, but I am wondering why I cant enjoy life. I have a it pretty good and IM still not at peace. I think IM broken and have been most of my life. My ex hubby was wonderful for me. I actually began to believe I was pretty cool. Even desirable and attractive. I know IM lost. I know IM drowning in muck. Im to the point where Im about to just settle for not hurting. Forgive me for whinning, but this site is a tool for me to let some of it out.
  24. Katheelynn
    taking time to be with your own feelings is never wasted....too many times we seems to make decisions far tooo rapidly, only to regret them later....my suggestion is to move very slowly and get to know U first....pause reflect ponder observe and continue to communicate with each other but dont jump too soon!
  25. Katheelynn
    Can it be that he is just coasting...enjoying the freedom that he has now and doesnt want to face the ugliness of the divorce preceedings? How is his contact with you? Is he seeing anyone else, that u know of? The dragging of his feet may be that he doesnt want to become the bad guy....just a thought!
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