Katheelynn

Thank you for the kind words...meant alot to hear someone else comment on how Im feeling...Im searching for the words to get me over this mountain...I have been reading some of the others posted and it comforting to read I am not alone in this pain and confusion...have any of you felt like you needed to write all this down?...I have...this is the next best thing short of writing the next best seller on grief....I am amazed at the changes in me...we (family) used to laff about how I was the Queen...let me tell you that I have been dethroned...in no way am I a queen...IM having to work for a living for the first time...IM not trained for anything so Im doing the minimum wage thing...I will be working till IM 110 years old....I still have 2 children at home going thru the teenage years...forgive me for whinning, but this sucks....I hears customers everyday talk about they just got married and they are not young women or they talk about their home in florida and their home in the north...their big worries are if their pc is ready for them to arrive....Ive lost the ability to concentrate on anything cept the guilt I have for the failure and the guilt for feeling sorry for myself...none of my hobbies mean anything to me...I try but cant complete them...my kids try to get close but I want to push them away and go back to sleep till I have to get up to go to work again....I can even tend to my house or yard...its all swirling around me...I went to get therapy and we sit there and ramble on about whatever....Im on antidepressant meds but Im not getting anywhere...I know the answer lies in ME...I know I have to concentrate on the good things in my life and the bad ones will eventually fade away....Im living in my bedroom when IM home...I cant make friends anymore...lost my old ones....I cant even look men in the eyes....I feel my youth is gone and with it any attractiveness I had....I miss the old me so bad but I just cant seem to find her anymore....

I never ever thought I would experience this marriage ending. I think back and if ever there were 2 people that belonged, it was us. I guess I took it for advantage, but now its gone. Im trying very hard to get thru the grieving. Ive accepted the loss and let most of the anger go. Now I feel such sadness. Im 52 years old and facing my old age alone. I cant help but think maybe that is what is due me I know Im feeling sorry for myself, but I am trying to accept that I may not have a partner in my life. I miss the laughter, the company, the security. It happened so suddenly, I was not prepared. Honestly, I just dont think I can really love again like I want to. IM so sad. Its been over a year and IM making process, but I want to feel again. Im scared.