Stefi

Hi VeryShyGuy, I'd like to tell you about my situation so that you can see it from the point of view of the person on the receiving end. I talk often to a guy I like very much, but he's not very demonstrative with his feelings. I know he's shy and tends to spend a lot of time by himself. At one point, he expressed his feelings towards me. Of course, I felt very happy to hear him say those things, but all that changed and he's gone back to not expressing his feelings. It's been a while and it makes me wonder whether he still feels anything for me romantically. He says he does but it's hard to believe when he doesn't act like it. It could be that he felt "exposed" when he revealed his feelings and decided to retreat and take things slower. Is it a fear of being rejected that is keeping you from telling her what you feel? The bad part about it is that it's starting to make me think that perhaps he's changed his mind and I should start thinking of him only as a friend. You say that you can express yourself better in writing. Maybe for starters you could write her a letter (not email, an actual letter). I don't suggest you solely communicate with her like this, but it could be a start to helping you tell her what you need to say. Hope this helps a bit.

I agree with Maggie. If you've done anything sexual with a male partner, there is a chance of pregnancy (however small it might be). You can rule that out by taking a pregnancy test, just to make sure. Sometimes women can experience irregular periods due to stress (like RayKay mentioned). Also, sudden weight gain or weight loss can cause such changes.

He's just giving you excuses (and lame ones at that) to try to convince you that 1) It might be actually YOUR fault because you weren't there to "babysit" him, the nerve! and that 2) He actually did nothing wrong because he only touched the jewelry. (please) Next thing you know, he'll be telling you that you are the one that drives him to do those things... He obviously treats you like you're not smart at all. His behavior shows he has no amount of respect for you or your marriage. It's not true, not all men do that. It is an awful stereotype that all men are these primitive creatures with no control of their actions- that their penises rule over them. ALL of us have control over our own actions and there's no blaming hormones or "circumstances". He chooses to behave the way he does because he has no respect for you (not even himself, it seems) and because so far it looks like he's always been able to get away with it. He acts badly, and then tries to flip it and make it seem that he had no control, or that since you left him unsupervised, it's not his fault he acted the way he did. He needs to grow up, and you need to wake up and start demanding respect. I'm sure there might be more to your situation, but please, please don't let him stomp on your feelings like that. No one deserves to be emotionally abused and belittled. Best of luck, Stefi

I'm sorry to say this but your husband has absolutely NO respect for you whatsoever. He demeans you by acting that way right in front of you (asking the girl to show him her pierced nipples, asking YOU if you'd like your breasts to look like hers). Touching another woman's private areas is DEFINITELY cheating in my book. He might make whatever excuse he wants, he is completely, utterly out of line here. You are not overreacting, it seems like being with him has eroded your self-confidence so that he even makes you doubt whether you have the right to demand he respect you and your marriage. You have the right to be loved and treated like a person. His behavior is absolutely outrageous! What is most disturbing is that he has no shame in behaving this way right in front of you! Not to mention the questionable integrity of a girl that will be so "accommodating" (I'm saying this so I won't use a less polite term) to the inappropriate requests of a man whom she knows is married. If he loves you, he doesn't act like he does. The question is, are YOU going to tolerate his despicable lack of respect for you? I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I think no one deserves to be treated like he is treating you. I hope you see this as well. You deserve better, sweetie.

Hi Dopestar, It sounds like you had reasons to doubt her intentions, so I can see why you'd suspect that she was not being honest with you. It must have been tough to not know what was going on. Take care, Stefi

Dopestar, I just want to point out that your first girl was a victim of a crime. Being raped is not like being mugged. Victims of rape feel violated in every way physically and emotionally. It's a violation of their souls. Also because of the sexual nature of the crime many victims of rape feel ashamed that they were raped, eventhough it's not their fault and find it difficult to talk about the trauma. I realize you must have felt that she wasn't being honest with you by not confiding in you right away, and she ultimately told you because she trusted you. Also know that it must have taken a great deal of courage for her to be able to talk to you about it.

Hi Colleen, In a truly caring relationship that shouldn't matter. You say that you've always have struggled with your weight and that you feel insecure about that. I think that unless you feel VERY comfortable telling him, you shouldn't tell him. I assume you guys haven't exchanged pics? He probably just wants to know that so he can get an idea of what you look like. But, as Rage and Whitefang mentioned, knowing your weight and height alone is not a clear indicator of what you might look like. I have to respectfully disagree with telling him that you're working on losing weight (unless losing weight is what you want to do). That sounds very much like telling him "...but I can change for you if you don't like me the way I am..." I don't think it's necessary in a relationship to tell your partner how much you weigh. It's a number as relevant to a relationship as it is knowing what your cholesterol count is.

Hi pepsimax, I'm sorry if you feel we are being "cruel". I'm sure nobody here means to make you feel bad. But you are asking for advice and opinions, and that's what we're giving you. We all know nobody is perfect and of course we realize that this situation must be very stressful for you. I think we're just trying to give our hopefully unbiased opinions. You might think that I'm throwing the "no contact" book at you again, but you just mentioned something very interesting-- that you're still living together. That complicates things quite a bit and I think I can better understand now why it's proving so difficult. You're being really hard on yourself, the texts you posted seemed like you were being calm and collected about things, I don't think you should torture yourself about them. Just trying to help Stefi

I agree with pip and kuhl282000, you do need to give him some time to be apart from you with no contact whatsoever. Eventhough you picked a time when he wasn't there to leave a message, unless you told his mother exactly that, it just sounds like you can't stop contacting him and you'll go as far as leaving apologies with his mother. I know you explained why you called, and that you don't like to "let the sun go down on an argument" but sometimes when we are dealing with a break up, we all look for reasons why we think we have to contact the other person when we know it's best we don't. In other circumstances it would be considered common decency like you said, but in this instance I think you run the risk of it being considered an excuse to keep contacting him. Unless you were not just snappy at him but insulting and hurtful, I don't think he's so angry he doesn't want to call you. He's probably going through a similar dilemma as you are about calling. He most likely feels unsure of how to go about it (if and when to call, or what to say). Try not to stress out too much and just concentrate on taking care of yourself and having some time to think things through.

I truly believe a big part of the picture is confidence. I think that the "bad boys" have too much of it-- they tend to be arrogant. With this comes thinking that you're always right, believing that you don't owe anybody anything emotionally, in summary, being selfish overall. The problem is, these things are not immediately apparent to a potential mate, and as we all know, we tend to put our best face forward when trying to attract someone. So women faced with one of these guys will not see "the dark side" right away, and when they do, they still think they might be able to "change him". Nice guys (the ones I've met), on the other hand, may have confidence, but don't show it, because they're so concerned with pleasing the other person so much. I go for the nice guys almost always, but it can be frustrating to deal with: In my experience, when I've met a self-proclaimed "nice guy"- I've noticed that he'll bend over backwards to please me, to make me happy. But the irony is, is that it DOESN'T make me happy (although I appreciate it), it just makes me feel that they have no goals or desires of their own other than to make sure my every need is met. And here's the thing, I want a partner, an EQUAL. I want a man who'll ask for what he wants. A man who'll disagree with me sometimes. A man who isn't constantly looking for or asking for signs that I approve of him, but that assumes and is confident that I do based on the fact that I'm with him and only him. If a man is constantly just trying to please me, I feel uncomfortable, because it doesn't feel like he's my "man"- it feels like he's trying to father me. Part of having this confidence, is knowing when to be assertive about your own wants and needs and when to give in to your partner's. A nice guy doesn't have to act aggressively to show his confidence, if he has it, it will be noticeable in most everything he does, from the way he respectfully argues with me about something ( ) to the way he holds himself- straight and tall, as he stands in line to get us tickets for a concert. I don't know... nice guys just do it for me! Stefi

It sounds to me like she's a bit insecure and trying to sound very "sought after" in front of her new guy- at your expense. There also seems to be some sort of hostility on her part, since she said this to your friends and she has to have known it was going to get back to you. This is just an idea, but perhaps she's the kind of woman who enjoys men having arguments over her (trying to provoke a "protective" reaction from her new guy by making you sound like a stalker) ?

It sounds like you're doing all you can to try to get her some help. If you've suggested seeing a professional and she won't do it- there's not much else you can do. I mean, you can't force her to go, it's up to her. Maybe like you said, it might be good for you to spend some time apart from her. This is causing a lot of stress for you and you need to get away from it (at least for a while). You can tell her your reasons and she might try to make you feel guilty like "you're giving up on her", but try not to think this way yourself. You've been trying to help. You shouldn't feel guilty about her inability to seek couseling. take care, Stefi

I'm very sorry to hear he broke up with you. There can be no harm in taking a pregnancy test if it'll ease your worries. They're not expensive and most of the time you can just pick them off the shelf yourself. They're quick and easy to use and you'll know your results right away! You probably don't have anything to worry about, but like I said- there's no harm in taking one. Take care! Stefi

I agree that it depends on your definition of viginity. An intact hymen is not a very good indicator of virginity, since it can tear with different kinds of activities (sports, masturbation, tampons, etc.) Also, many women are born without a hymen so I wouldn't go by that. The most common definition of virgin is someone who hasn't had intercourse (penis-vagina penetration specifically). That definition leaves a lot of room to interpret virginity, because it doesn't mention anal penetration or oral sex for that matter. Then there's certain religious interpretations of who is considered a virgin, which is basically someone who is "chaste" and "pure"-- someone who hasn't engaged in physical sexual activity with someone else. (Now this is a much more strict definition since it would categorize things like oral sex and fingering as a loss of virginity.) So, it really does depend on how you define it. The most important thing though, is to remember to only go as far as you feel comfortable both physically and emotionally!

Having a baby in order to keep your guy around and not be lonely is definitely not a good idea. What if you DO get pregnant and he doesn't stick around? What then? You'd be broken-hearted AND pregnant... You'd have to raise this child by yourself- and that is a very tough challenge to face. Think about what it is that you really want, do you want to start raising a child? or do you just want to work on your relationship with your boyfriend? Having a child for the wrong reasons will complicate matters greatly. Please consider it carefully. Good luck, Stefi

I'd have to say for me it's -Eyes (no matter what color, but they have to have that "intelligent" look) -Smile (nice white teeth, healthy looking) -Broad shoulders I just have to add the non-physical as well: -Intelligence -Kindness/generosity -Sense of humor

Hi Lainie, You sound very stressed out and unhappy. Your husband is not being any help and he seems cruel towards you as well. I understand that he is tired too, but his job ends when he gets home, and yours does not. Is your husband willing to try marriage counseling with you? It would be good to talk to someone who is impartial and who will provide a safe place in which to express your feelings to him. In the future, when you ask your husband for his help, try to do it when you are calm and not feeling so stressed out (that might be hard to manage, but try hard). He may be very stressed out as well (12 hour days at work are killer...) and might not completely understand how tiring it is to run a home and chase after children all day. For now, don't worry about things like the mowing of the lawn. If that's his chore, leave him to do it, even if it takes him 3 months. You have enough to worry about already. Do you have someone who could come stay with you for a bit and help you with the kids? (a sibling, your mom?) It occurs to me that you need to get immediate relief to your stress and having an adult whom you trust to help you with the kids might provide some respite. I hope this helps, good luck! Stefi

In my opinion, college is a different environment than high school. In high school, I remember there were all these little "groups" of people. There was the whole immature teasing of others who were different, and the labeling. I noticed that in college, the number of people genuinely concerned with learning and doing well in classes is much higher. A lot of people in high school are there because it's the law, they have to be there whether they want to or not- but almost everyone in college is there because they really want to be there. That alone changes the whole dynamics of the place. Sure, there are some little cliques here and there, but they're really not very noticeable. If you're going away to college, it can be your chance to be who you are, and say what you want to say, because it's like a new beginning- nobody knows you there and they won't know what you were like in high school. Remember that most people there will have come from other places as well, and are glad to meet other people. It's not like everyone will know each other and you'll be the only new person there. Think of the incoming freshman class, some people will come from other states all accross the US and also from other countries (all ages as well). They'll be as worried as you are about meeting people! Try not to worry too much about it. I'm sure it's stressful for you, but really keep in mind the things I've mentioned. College is truly a different experience from high school. I hope you enjoy yourself! Stefi

You're right in thinking that she needs to seek counseling. It's tough for victims of sexual abuse, especially for those who have suffered it as children. If she's already admitting that the things she is doing are self-destructive, then perhaps she might be more open than you might think to the idea of seeking counseling. Getting therapy will only help her and even if she becomes unhappy at first and seems to resent you, it will only be her reaction to being scared at the prospect of having to face the traumatic experience. If she works with a therapist she will thank you in the end, and she will know you cared enough to bring it up. I'm no expert, but I think that her viewing the rape porn is not really about a fetish. A lot of times, victims of abuse will seek out things related to the abuse, images, written accounts, etc. in a conscious (or subconscious) effort to understand why it happened to them, or to desensitize themselves to their own traumatic memories of the event. Many victims of sexual abuse feel ashamed that it happened to them, though they know that it wasn't their fault. I hope your girlfriend will agree to get some help in dealing with such a terrible burden. You are very caring to want to help her find it. Take care, Stefi

The only thing I can think of is for your girlfriend to start completely ignoring her ex's calls and emails. She could just block them, or toss them without reading them. I realize it sounds harsh, but If she's been asked not to call or email and she still does, then the only way she'll be discouraged from it is for your girlfriend to pay absolutely no attention to her-- not even to tell her to stop. Ultimately, your g/f could change her email address and phone number, but that could be a hassle from a practical point of view. I think you do have a right to try to do something about the situation since it affects you as well. Hope this helps a bit!

Ain't that the truth. Couldn't have said it any better!

I think that would be an ode to the nice girls as well. For some reason, nice guys don't want their female equivalents, they gravitate toward the females with the drama, with the need to be taken care of all the time. At least that's what I've seen. Nice girls also finish last

Well, there's always a risk of pregnancy with most every kind of sexual activity (there are exceptions of course). You didn't mention if you're on the pill or if you used a condom when your boyfriend entered you. I would strongly suggest that you use protection, not only to minimize the risk of pregnancy, but to prevent getting any STD's. There's minimal risk of pregnancy with fingering (unless your boyfriend uses his hand to touch his penis and then touches your vagina again). The risk of pregnancy is CONSIDERABLY higher if he enters you without protection, even if it's only halfway. Most likely, there will be precum on his penis which can have a decent sperm count, enough to possibly cause pregnancy. So, if you're planning on "going all the way" with your boyfriend, you should get on the pill and ask your boyfriend to use a condom, if you haven't done so yet. If you take these steps before going further with your boyfriend, you'll probably end up enjoying it more since you won't need to worry as much about pregnancy or STD's. Take care! Stefi

Hi Kayla, I guess you have to decide if you're willing to put the time and effort it will take to get to know Dominic better. Seeing as how he is very shy when speaking to him in person, it might take some time for him to open up to you offline. You just have to be very patient and make him feel comfortable with you in person. I don't know if his friend is trying to break you two up-- it could be possible, but the best thing to do, I think, is to get any doubts you might have cleared up with Dominic himself so that you know where he stands. Try to stay away from the whole asking his best friend what he thinks of you strategy because if the best friend does have an agenda, you might get a distorted answer that causes problems between you and your boyfriend. Which makes me think about Dominic's suicide attempt when you broke up with him... whom did you hear that from? Hope this helps a bit Stefi

Actually, ravishing, it's a good idea to do weight training regardless of your gender. A lot of women don't want to lift weights or end up lifting small 2lb. weights because they think they're going to bulk up. It's not easy to bulk up! Especially for women. Guys tend to put on more muscle mass easier than women and even then they find it hard to add bulk (you really gotta lift heavier weights to accomplish that).