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Thread: Is he serious or am I too insecure?

  1. #51
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are on the rebound and a bit lonely and still upset about the 7 yr bf not wanting a future. This guy unfortunately is also on the rebound and not over his ex or at least not ready for a relationship.

    It's not a cultural nor egalitarian thing. You don't need a specific label but you need to see what's happening. Just hanging out shows low interest. What you are describing is...dating...in any culture no matter how you slice it. And although you're dating, it does not mean he is all that interested.

    He's just not that into you, nor putting forth much effort. You will be hurt by this guy the longer you stay because you seek commitment and he clearly seeks convenience.
    Originally Posted by hannahlv
    The reason I initiated a lot of dates with the current boyfriend is mainly due to cultural differences. In my culture, it is okay for the girl to ask her boyfriend out to eat or come over to his house to hang out. We do not have the exclusivity definition. If I go out with a guy more often, and exchange the “I like you” with him, we are boyfriend and girl friend.

  2. #52
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    The reason I initiated a lot of dates with the current boyfriend is mainly due to cultural differences. In my culture, it is okay for the girl to ask her boyfriend out to eat or come over to his house to hang out.
    That's all well and good but at the same time it isn't an excuse to continue initiating with a man who doesn't seem to be just as enthusiastic to spend time with you.
    Cultures aside, don't let that lead you down the wrong path and don't use that as an excuse to continue.

  3. #53
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    Katrina said a few pages back that it it might be too late to save this relationship. I agree. I think it's pretty common to see this pattern, especially in the early days of a relationship (and this is very early). Things go great for a little while, and then something changes. One side cools off just as the other side heats up. They put in less work, so you put in more work to compensate and try to save things. There can be numerous reasons for change in speeds for both parties. In this case, perhaps it was the fact that you talked about his ex, and he was confronted with the fact that he's still not over her, where before he was pretending/hoping he was. But the energy has been lost.

    I don't have any particular insight in pulling out of such a tailspin. I think usually it just means you are mismatched, either in general, or due to bad timing. The excitement of the new relationship hides the incompatibility for a while, but then it becomes impossible to ignore. For one of you at least. Sometimes you may need to change the energe (as others have mentioned, by pulling back yourself), other times maybe getting to the root of whatever threw you out of the loop is what's needed.

    Since talking about his ex is what seems to have been the catalyst here, maybe there is more in that conversation that needs to be said, which neither of you were brave enough to say the first time. Because the topic wasn't really resolved, it's created space between you. Now, for sure the end of that conversation may not be what either of you think you want. But closure might be better than dragging things out.

  4. #54
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    I did not know “Netflix and chill” hangout is different from a date either because to me, spending time together means dating.

    netflix and chill is something long time couples do - content to be in eachother's company -- but at 2 months you should be courting eachother - getting to know eachother. If you suggested plans because that is your personality and he doesn't want to actual 'do" anything except netflix and chill, then go do that activity with a friend and leave him behind. Teach people how to treat you.Sitting around watching tv is not a date.

    I think you should take time to heal from your last breakup, honestly.

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken



    netflix and chill is something long time couples do
    oh. . my understanding was Netflix & Chill was code for a hook up.
    Or to put it in a more positive spin, no formal date. . yet a casual get together that may ultimately lead to sex.

  7. #56
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    oh. . my understanding was Netflix & Chill was code for a hook up.
    Or to put it in a more positive spin, no formal date. . yet a casual get together that may ultimately lead to sex.
    You have it right!

  8. #57
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    oh. . my understanding was Netflix & Chill was code for a hook up.
    Or to put it in a more positive spin, no formal date. . yet a casual get together that may ultimately lead to sex.
    you are not wrong!

  9. #58
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    oh. . my understanding was Netflix & Chill was code for a hook up.
    Or to put it in a more positive spin, no formal date. . yet a casual get together that may ultimately lead to sex.
    I agree. If a new guy isn't up for meeting me out to do something fun, then he's not up for dating--so he's not right for me. If I want to be a slug, I can do that by myself.

  10. #59
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    Some of the best dates (even very early dates) with my recent ex took place at either his or mine "netflix and chilling," we dated a year and a half.

    So I am not going to judge that or even say it means he's not interested, or he only wants a "hook up" or that it means anything else. Not for me to judge that.

    If you were both happy spending time at home cooking together or watching a movie or doing whatever (chilling), that is certainly your prerogative and no one else's place to judge that imo.

    What's right for one person or couple (like having outside dates) may not be right for another.

    That said, it does not appear you are happy so that would be a concern.

    I do think he's feeling ambivalent and choosing to keep you at a distance, as I said before not buying his needing one day over the weekend to clean his house, I think he needs that one day to himself which imo is OKAY!

    There are different stages to a relationship, and uncertainly/ambivalence is one of them; it happens around the second or third month typically. Not to everyone but for many, it does. It's happened to me and men I have been in long term relationships with. I understand this stage and try to not freak out about it.

    Re him needing one day over the weekend to himself to do whatever (i.e. clean his house), I am a huge introvert and have often needed entire weekends to myself when in a relationship! Even when I had nothing to do! All my bf's understand this about me, in fact they needed their lone time too.

    So I would not have a problem with it, assuming I felt safe and secure with him, and he otherwise treated me well and our relationship was good.

    But since YOU do, then perhaps you are not a good fit for each other at this time.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-22-2019 at 02:51 PM.

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