Is he serious or am I too insecure?

[abitbroken]

I don't think that wanting to see someone more than once a week is pushing. he should be asking to see her more often.

 

It also sounds like he wants to hang out at his place and do nothing. I would not put up with this crap. He is not asking her out or suggesting anything. She needs to date someone else if she wants a relationship. Not coming from this guy. He is Mr. Casual.

 

OP, this guy does not really sound interested in you. You are serving yourself up on a platter, by driving to his place, watching movies and serving up the sex. C'mon. Expect more for yourself.

 

It seems that you have a pattern of this behavior?

 

She is "pushing" because he doesn't ask her out, so she shows up for dinner and stays through breakfast. She suggests it/he doesn't resist it, so she isn't unwelcome but she has no idea if he would seek her company on his own. Does HE want more time with her? Well, she won't find out unless she stops doing what she is doing and sometimes have other plans on "their" night if he has not asked her out by a certain time during the week.

 

Early dating should be exciting, not showing up to service someone

[katrina1980]

 

OP, this guy does not really sound interested in you. You are serving yourself up on a platter, by driving to his place, watching movies and serving up the sex.

 

I agree with you Holls, he is not all that interested in her. He may have been at first; in fact from what she described of "the beginning" it sounds like he was.

 

But like you said "serving herself up on a platter" by essentially doing all the work, all the initiating, along with always being so available and endless discussions about how he's not giving enough, etc has resulted in him losing interest.

 

She may be able to turn this around though by following advice given by many on this thread, if she thinks he's worth it.

 

It may be too late however, or it's just not her nature, in which case time to call it a day and walk away.

 

JMO

[Sportster2005]

 

But like you said "serving herself up on a platter" by essentially doing all the work, all the initiating, along with always being so available and endless discussions about how he's not giving enough, etc has resulted in him losing interest.

 

She may be able to turn this around though by following advice given by many on this thread, if she thinks he's worth it.

 

It may be too late however, or it's just not her nature, in which case time to call it a day and walk away.

 

JMO

 

Classic logical fallacy. Just because B follows A, does not mean A caused B. The only thing here that seems obvious is he's not behaving terribly interested. I agree less is probably more in this situation. Not because it will be effective, but because of her dignity. I really doubt there is going to be a successful end to this story. Not interested is not interested. Most of the advice out there from books and the myriad snake oil salespeople who profit from this are full of crap. I have all day for a true behaviour scientist but these dime a dozen experts are interested in profit, not your well being.

[katrina1980]

Classic logical fallacy. Just because B follows A, does not mean A caused B. The only thing here that seems obvious is he's not behaving terribly interested. I agree less is probably more in this situation. Not because it will be effective, but because of her dignity. I really doubt there is going to be a successful end to this story. Not interested is not interested. Most of the advice out there from books and the myriad snake oil salespeople who profit from this are full of crap. I have all day for a true behaviour scientist but these dime a dozen experts are interested in profit, not your well being.

 

Yeah sadly I agree with you Sportster, which is why I said it may be too late. I was just trying to stay positive.

 

Of course I agree with less is more, especially in early stages.

 

Or perhaps a balance between the two, which is what I try to do and has worked very well for me in my dating experiences and relationships. Straight from the get go.

 

But at this point, the damage has been done, he's lost interest, and once that happens it's difficult to turn it around.

 

Anyway, no matter what happens, hopefully it's lesson learned for the OP.

[Hollyj]

She is "pushing" because he doesn't ask her out, so she shows up for dinner and stays through breakfast. She suggests it/he doesn't resist it, so she isn't unwelcome but she has no idea if he would seek her company on his own. Does HE want more time with her? Well, she won't find out unless she stops doing what she is doing and sometimes have other plans on "their" night if he has not asked her out by a certain time during the week.

 

Early dating should be exciting, not showing up to service someone

 

I totally agree.

 

I think that this would already be a lost cause, as it is hard to get back someone's respect, after we have presented ourselves as a doormat.

[katrina1980]

To the OP, you haven't returned since your original post, are you reading our responses?

 

If so, I would be interested in your response to what we've posted.

 

Hope you're okay.

 

Edit: I just read your previous thread created on June 30th, less than two months ago. My advice is to take some time to process your feelings/emotions about that relationship and subsequent break up before venturing on to another.

 

Be alone for awhile, you will thank yourself later for it.

[Hollyj]

Ladies,

 

Dating should not primarily be in men's living room's and bedroom's. You should be going out in public!

[Camber 2019]

Ladies,

 

Dating should not primarily be in men's living room's and bedroom's. You should be going out in public!

 

And I believe she is not referring to $ex out in public!

[hannahlv]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond to my post. I appreciate it. I've read all of your posts and I'll reply back when I get home today from work.

[reinventmyself]

As much as I want to advise her to refrain from doing all the heavy lifting. .she might feel a slight shift, but I don't see this guy stepping up, making her feel wanted and doing much more towards cultivating this relationship.

She may feel better about herself by backing off, but I doubt it will do much of anything to change him.

[katrina1980]

I just thought of something, that I think is interesting.

 

IMO, this guy was into her in the beginning, hence why he initiated dates and planned fun things. But something changed, and JMO but I think what changed is OP's over-eagerness and willingness to do all the heavy lifting, all the initiating, etc.

 

And thus, he lost his motivation, and some of his interest. He got lazy and complacent. It sounds like there is still some interest, otherwise he'd just end it altogether; he's just not motivated to initiate, or put forth any work into it.

 

So here's what's interesting. OP wrote in her original post:

 

When we started talking, I did not feel much about him. We kept meeting for about two weeks and he had to go on a business trip for a week. During that week, I started feeling differently about him.

 

Note that when he incorporated a bit of distance into the relationship, by going on his business trip, the OP started feeling differently, she suddenly became interested!

 

Now it was her doing the initiating, the work. And she found herself falling hard for him. Remember that saying, we tend to appreciate and value things more when we work for them.

 

So why can't it be the same for him if she were to introduce a bit of distance? Such as not always being so available, stop doing the initiating and pulling back, taking her space, as many of us have suggested?

 

Allowing him the opportunity to think about her, wonder about her and miss her, all of which increase attraction.

 

These early stages are so precarious, ever changing, ever fluid, very rarely linear, in my experience.

 

Even Shakespeare wrote about it -- the course of true love never does run smooth.

 

Just a thought.

[Hollyj]

And I believe she is not referring to $ex out in public!

 

LOL! You are right!

[Hollyj]

I just thought of something, that I think is interesting.

 

IMO, this guy was into her in the beginning, hence why he initiated dates and planned fun things. But something changed, and JMO but I think what changed is OP's over-eagerness and willingness to do all the heavy lifting, all the initiating, etc.

 

And thus, he lost his motivation, and some of his interest. He got lazy and complacent. It sounds like there is still some interest, otherwise he'd just end it altogether; he's just not motivated to initiate, or put forth any work into it.

 

So here's what's interesting. OP wrote in her original post:

 

When we started talking, I did not feel much about him. We kept meeting for about two weeks and he had to go on a business trip for a week. During that week, I started feeling differently about him.

 

Note that when he incorporated a bit of distance into the relationship, by going on his business trip, the OP started feeling differently, she suddenly became interested!

 

Now it was her doing the initiating, the work. And she found herself falling hard for him. Remember that saying, we tend to appreciate and value things more when we work for them.

 

So why can't it be the same for him if she were to introduce a bit of distance? Such as not always being so available, stop doing the initiating and pulling back, taking her space, as many of us have suggested?

 

Allowing him the opportunity to think about her, wonder about her and miss her, all of which increase attraction.

 

These early stages are so precarious, ever changing, ever fluid, very rarely linear, in my experience.

 

Even Shakespeare wrote about it -- the course of true love never does run smooth.

 

Just a thought.

 

I'm just wondering if her feelings changed when he started pulling back?

[Jibralta]

My brother told me guys are like this when they are comfortable in a relationship.

 

Sorry, but your brother can really only speak for himself, not all men. There's plenty of diversity out there.

 

What is your preference? Quiet and restrained? Chatty and outgoing? Right now, you seem to be attracting quiet and restrained--but is that what you really like?

 

Is this behavior normal in a new relationship, or am I too needy and asking too much of him when we are still getting to know each other? I feel somehow his guard is still up because he is still hurt from his breakup and so he does not want to open up too easily. I thought of just relaxing, enjoying the time with him and giving the relationship more time. My friends told me it is still very early, but because it is early, I do not want to be led on and stay with someone who is not serious about a long term relationship. I also feel I am more invested in the relationship than he is. I am just so confused because his words and actions do not seem to match, but I am also wondering if this is just how guys are.

 

One generalization I do feel comfortable making is that there's a long rebound window for a 9-year relationship.

 

I think his inconsistency is normal behavior for a rebounder and I would personally not invest in a relationship with one.

 

Rebounders are a mess and the worst thing is, they don't know it. They do a lot of flip-flopping and if you're too close you'll get taken for a ride.

 

There's nothing you can do about the journey they are on, or the pain they may be feeling, so don't feel bad. It's just a process that people need to go through and it's best to keep your distance when they go through it!

[katrina1980]

I'm just wondering if her feelings changed when he started pulling back?

 

I don’t know, only the OP knows. But what I do know, at least for me and others I know, is that adding a bit of distance into the relationship is often the magic sauce an ambivalent person needs, which I think her bf is right now.

 

As Wise said and I agree, he’s feeling suffocated. And as a result, he's unable to gain clarity about how he feels or where he wants this to go. So he does nothing, and allows OP to do it all. As he continues to remain stuck.

 

Again just my experience, but a bit of space (emotional and physical) gives your partner the opportunity to wonder about you and miss you, which in many cases increases interest and attraction.

 

I think this may even be more true for men than women.

 

Speaking for myself, when a man I am dating is all over me, constantly texting and calling, wanting to spend loads of time with me early on, pressuring for more, I have often lost interest or become uncertain.

 

It’s the men who know how to balance that bit of push/pull, not too much space, but not too little either, who capture my interest and ultimately my heart.

[Hollyj]

I don’t know, only the OP knows. But what I do know, at least for me and others I know, is that adding a bit of distance into the relationship is often the magic sauce an ambivalent person needs, which I think her bf is right now.

 

As Wise said and I agree, he’s feeling suffocated. And as a result, he's unable to gain clarity about how he feels or where he wants this to go. So he does nothing, and allows OP to do it all. As he continues to remain stuck.

 

Again just my experience, but a bit of space (emotional and physical) gives your partner the opportunity to wonder about you and miss you, which in many cases increases interest and attraction.

 

I think this may even be more true for men than women.

 

Speaking for myself, when a man I am dating is all over me, constantly texting and calling, wanting to spend loads of time with me early on, pressuring for more, I have often lost interest or become uncertain.

 

It’s the men who know how to balance that bit of push/pull, not too much space, but not too little either, who capture my interest and ultimately my heart.

 

I don't think it is worth it. They have only dated two months, and he dropped interest after a month. Also, he is recently out of a 9 year relationship. I think she is a rebound.

 

She should cut her losses and learn from this experience . I believe the previous bf, was also recently out of something serious. This seems to be a pattern: being a rebound and choosing unavailable men.

 

OP, I would address your availability, as your choices are setting you up for failure. And as Kat and Wisey suggested, pull back in your dating. Don't be so eager

[katrina1980]

Holly, I think it might even be less than two months, since her previous thread discussing the break up with her bf of five months was on June 30th, less than two months ago. Unless the two relationships overlapped.

 

Anyway, in this case, I think you're right.

 

Especially the learning from experience part.

[hannahlv]

Thank you everyone for your advice. Some of you may have read my very first topic and remembered I mentioned about my breakup with my long-term boyfriend. So I wanted to talk a little bit about that relationship (and my subsequent relationship) first before I talk about the current one. My long term relationship has a very strong influence on why I am in the current relationship. This post may be a little bit cheesy and long and I appreciate everyone again for your time.

 

My first relationship lasted 7 years. I met him when I was 19 years old when I first came to the US. Both of us were international students. We lived in different states for about two years before he moved to my state. He was the first person I ever love until now, the only one that gave me butterflies when I thought of him even after we broke up for 3 years. I remember holding on to his jacket and sleep when I missed him, and he did the same. We almost got married but that did not work out because his family wanted someone with US residency to help him to live here, and I could not. As the only son, he must think of his family first. That breakup had crushed me and I have not been able to forget him or date anyone for three years after.

 

I dated a few people after my first boyfriend, but I have never felt myself attracted to them, so when my friend introduced me to this guy and we started talking, I was not very interested. Our first date was awkward, and I was not sure if this would go anywhere. We continued exchanging messages and calls for the next two weeks till he had to go to a business trip. I already felt differently a bit before he left but was scared because I have never thought I would feel this again after so long. I did not tell him because I did not want to scare him off and wanted time to process my own feeling. He texted me after a few days telling me how he felt, and I told him how I felt about him. We started seeing each other more often for a few weeks, and I realized I am excited to see him, I have this longing feeling I have not had with anyone and I thought it may work this time that I finally find someone I can spend time with and love. He was excited just like me, and sometimes I found him reaching over to hold my hands or kiss me in my sleep.

 

Three weeks ago, I wanted to know if he wanted a long term relationship and why his previous ones did not work out for him, so I asked him about his past relationships, and he told me about his ex. Right when he said they were together for 9 years, I felt uneasy because I was afraid I could be his rebound. The way he told me the story about his ex showed me he was still in pain. His house still had her stuffs, and their photos though are no longer on the wall, but still in his closet.

He started not initiating plans or calls anymore after this conversation. Prior to this, we were still making plans to go out together. He initiates most of our daily text messages since the beginning up until now, and I come over his house or ask him to go out. We were seeing each other about two days a week, and down to once a week after we talked about his ex. I usually wait until Wednesday to ask if he has any plan for the weekend, if not I will suggest we go somewhere, or just chill at his home, we watch movies and make dinner together. He always texted me he enjoyed spending time with me, not just for sex because many times that do not even happen as he told me once he did not want that to happen because he did not want me to think he just wanted to get to know me for it. So for me I do not feel seeing each other once a week is smothering or suffocating him. Most of our conversations are just normal, silly stuffs, and I only tell him I wanted him to make plans to see me once. We call at night for a few minutes before bed to say good night on the days we do not meet because I want to see him, hear his voice and laugh for a bit.

 

The reason I initiated a lot of dates with the current boyfriend is mainly due to cultural differences. In my culture, it is okay for the girl to ask her boyfriend out to eat or come over to his house to hang out. We do not have the exclusivity definition. If I go out with a guy more often, and exchange the “I like you” with him, we are boyfriend and girl friend. I did not know “Netflix and chill” hangout is different from a date either because to me, spending time together means dating. My first boyfriend was from the same culture so I only know these when I started dating other people after him. As with my first boyfriend, we have been spending time at his house almost 4 days every week at the six months mark and we have never lost interest in each other.

 

I am not sure how my current boyfriend is feeling at this time, if he loses interest in the relationship because I come over every week or because I do all the work, or maybe because he is still hurt from his previous relationship given it is just almost a year since he broke up, I’ll follow everyone’s advice and pull back from this for a bit. It may help him realize his true feelings for me and that way I know if he really wants us together.

 

Thank you all once again! Both times when I was in trouble, you guys have been very helpful and I thank you.

[hannahlv]

I don't think it is worth it. They have only dated two months, and he dropped interest after a month. Also, he is recently out of a 9 year relationship. I think she is a rebound.

 

She should cut her losses and learn from this experience . I believe the previous bf, was also recently out of something serious. This seems to be a pattern: being a rebound and choosing unavailable men.

 

OP, I would address your availability, as your choices are setting you up for failure. And as Kat and Wisey suggested, pull back in your dating. Don't be so eager

 

I broke up with my previous boyfriend 2 weeks before I posted my first topic on this forum. It did not work out for me because he did not want to get married, which he did not let me know until we had been dating for five months, and after I made it clear to him from the beginning I was looking for a long term relationship. He divorced a few years before we met, so I could not have known his intention. When I asked him "do you like kid?" and he told me "Yes I am" and he was already single for a few years, I could not have thought that he never wanted to get married again.

 

My current boyfriend I knew him through a close friend. My friend told me he was looking for a relationship, so we were introduced. I can't tell if I am a rebound or not until he started showing signs. You will know more about me through my previous post.

[Hollyj]

My apologies, regarding the first guy.

 

I do think the current one is not ready for any type of relationship. You two have dated for a minute, and I do think you should cut your losses.

 

I don't care what culture it is, I don't think the majority of dating should be in a house, especially after dating such a short period. You need to up your expectations and not allow this. You should be going out and doing things.

 

What culture is he from?

[boltnrun]

See what happens this Wednesday. Don't ask him what he's doing for the weekend or to make plans. Wait for him to suggest getting together. If he asks what you want to do, tell him you'd like to go out somewhere. Dinner, a film, an outdoor event, whatever. And no, NOT dinner at his place!

 

See what happens.

 

If he doesn't suggest getting together, you have your answer. Then see what happens next week. Two weeks in a row of nothing, I'd be done.

[bluecastle]

Reading your recent post, it kind of sounds like you are both still in a lot of pain from the past and using each other to both escape it and address it—maybe you more than him even. That can all feel very intimate and interesting—it's like mainlining vulnerability—but it's not often sustainable because it's pretty pressurized. That pressure, while compelling, is generally an impediment to real connection.

 

This is so new. I think, at this stage, the important questions to be asking aren't about how someone is feeling but about how you feel in someone's orbit. Are you excited and calm? Or are you bored and uncertain? Do you vibe well and want to do similar things, or are you at odds? Do you trust that there is space to keep going a little deeper, while also allowing for some shifts, or does the other person feel closed off, not ready? Do you feel yourself closing off, panicking, where you'd rather be opening up? The more we can let our own inner compass guide us, rather than using another's, the more secure we feel in the whole thing, wherever it goes.

 

In other words, allow a little space for you, not to see if it triggers a reaction out of him. The man you described sounds pretty reserved, low key. Wants to watch TV, cook, rinse and repeat. That's courtship for him, at least these days. Whether that's because he's still wounded from a long relationship or just who he is—well, doesn't really matter if you want something different.

 

And, like others have said, this is certainly not how "all men" are. Not after a month, not after years, and I think that statement applies to a wide spectrum of cultures. I love zoning out to Netflix, for instance, but it's about the last thing I want to do with my girlfriend or any girlfriend. We've never done it, after 8 months together. We like long, engaging conversations and wild activities, so there's a lot of that. It's fun for me—and, I take it, for her too. So fun that I don't have to spend much time worrying about how she's feeling, since most of the time when we're worrying about that it's because we just aren't feeling as excited as we'd like.

 

We can all hypothesize about the "rebound" stuff till the cows come home. To me there just seems to be a pretty big compatibility gap, with the thing that is the main bonding point (past romantic pain) generally not being the right glue for coupledom. Maybe it was enough when it was unspoken, but once you brought up the Big Stuff he seems to have gone a little cold, a little skittish. If he goes cold when you're seeking warmth—well, again, that's just a compatibility thing.

[katrina1980]

This is so new. I think, at this stage, the important questions to be asking aren't about how someone is feeling but about how you feel in someone's orbit. Are you excited and calm? Or are you bored and uncertain? Do you vibe well and want to do similar things, or are you at odds? Do you trust that there is space to keep going a little deeper, while also allowing for some shifts, or does the other person feel closed off, not ready? Do you feel yourself closing off, panicking, where you'd rather be opening up? The more we can let our own inner compass guide us, rather than using another's, the more secure we feel in the whole thing, wherever it goes.

 

This^ is really good advice.

[Andrina]

The reason I initiated a lot of dates with the current boyfriend is mainly due to cultural differences. In my culture, it is okay for the girl to ask her boyfriend out to eat or come over to his house to hang out.

 

There's nothing wrong with this--that is if there's an equal effort on both sides. The problem is that you cannot fully gauge a person's interest without allowing them their turn at reciprocating.

 

There are men who are cowardly about ending the relationship. With those types, if a woman doesn't make any effort, he will let things fade away. Sometimes he will start treating the woman poorly, hoping she will be the one to break up. He feels it will be less drama if it's her decision.

 

Sometimes a guy is just not that into a woman, but if she's the one hauling the load, he'll accept it for now and the pluses of occasional intimacy. Be aware though, that when a woman who does tick all of his boxes comes along, that the woman he feels "meh" about will be sent packing.

 

I think it's also good to employ similar rules about friendships. I'll never ask a friend more than twice in a row to do something if she bows out. In my mind, the ball is in her court to ask me to do something, because friendships evolve, sometimes strengthening, sometimes staying even-steven, or sometimes ending. I need friends to show effort as well, because if they don't, it's a good clue to me that they no longer want to be a part of my life. And if they're not feeling the friendship is as important to them anymore, that's okay and I let them fade away because that's normal in one's lifetime.

 

You're dragging out what you could've gotten a quicker answer to had you given him equal opportunities to seek out your company. Please learn from this mistake in future dating relationships.

 

It's up to you if you want to give him a chance now, but I think the odds are that he'll fade away. Mixed messages, lack of effort, wishy washy behavior, and many other frustrating behaviors usually means the man isn't the right one for you. I know that when I dated my husband, he made it crystal clear he was totally into me, and it never once faded throughout the years, now a decade together. Hold out for somebody like that.

[Batya33]

The reason I initiated a lot of dates with the current boyfriend is mainly due to cultural differences. In my culture, it is okay for the girl to ask her boyfriend out to eat or come over to his house to hang out.

 

 

Is part of your culture to have one sided friendships and relationships? Where one person does all or most of the initiating or asking or inviting? I've never heard of that being part of a "culture" -other than in relationships that are more one sided like grandparent/grandchildren (meaning where the grandchildren might decide to be more accommodating because of the age of the grandparent/mobility restrictions) - but typical "equal" friendships -it's ok with you if the person rarely reciprocates? Certainly I can see where traditional dating where the man does more of the asking out might not be the tradition in your culture but it sounds like you're past that initial stage and doing a lot of hanging out as opposed to actual dates.