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Everything posted by Sportster2005

  1. Classic logical fallacy. Just because B follows A, does not mean A caused B. The only thing here that seems obvious is he's not behaving terribly interested. I agree less is probably more in this situation. Not because it will be effective, but because of her dignity. I really doubt there is going to be a successful end to this story. Not interested is not interested. Most of the advice out there from books and the myriad snake oil salespeople who profit from this are full of crap. I have all day for a true behaviour scientist but these dime a dozen experts are interested in profit, not your well being.
  2. What a person does is more important than what they say. You can debate until the cows come home if his behaviour is 'normal'. You'll be more productive understanding that's the way he behaves and it's not likely to change. You can accept the behaviour, or you can move on. Your brother, or any other man doesn't know how all men act in all relationships. Avoid generalizations.
  3. Dump him and offer to support him through his trial. Or, dump him.
  4. Nothing crappier than sitting waiting for that phone notification that never comes. Start over, repeat until you get it right :)
  5. Let it go. You have more important things to deal with. There is NOTHING we can do to get people back, once they have checked out. NOTHING. Deal with your issues and prevent this from happening in the future.
  6. I'll tell you what to do. Beg, borrow or steal some self-esteem and dump this guy. Then head to the local Al-Anon meeting.
  7. Dumping someone always feels bad. Or it should, unless your soulless ghoul. When it comes to dumping, less is more. Honesty without discretion is cruelty. Keep it simple and firm. Doubts may linger, all part of the process. Ultimately we usually prove ourselves correct.
  8. Wow, you're hardly out of the gate, and people are pulling this crap on you. I don't know if it's possible or not. I think it's too early to be asking. I would encourage you not to put too much stress on yourself. Society can go f itself. Do what you need to do to get confident and comfortable with yourself. Continue your treatment, you are getting treatment?? A much wiser person once said to me "You can't lie to yourself". What he meant was if you say things like "EVERYTHING revolves around relationships,romance,dating" then that will be your reality, regardless if it's true or false. It is false, btw.
  9. Sounds like a false dichotomy to me. I think you need to explore ALL alternatives and explore the myriad outcomes of different alternatives. You have yourself wrapped in a dilemma of your own making. And you should consider so with your partner. He might be adamant as an opening negotiating position. Not smart, but predictably human.
  10. I doubt she has changed. Once you get past the honeymoon phase people reveal their true self. Sometimes the revelation doesn't go so well. At this point it's kind of a moot point. She is what she is. At this perch, it seems this relationship is past it's best before date. I can see things getting worse, that is the trendline. I can't see things getting better. The reality is staring you in the face, your call.
  11. No. Bad timing can never be fixed. If it's not there at the start, it will never be there. By the time he is sorted you will both be two different people. Once the divorce is signed, nothing magical happens. It's just a legal document. It takes a while to adjust to a new life. Think years, not weeks. There are exceptions, there always is. More people go down in flames chasing exceptions, instead of reality. You live by your values, or you don't. You can't have your cake and eat it.
  12. It sounds like you don't have any good options. If she is this ill at this young age, it's unlikely going to improve. That is my amateur prognosis. If you were together for fifty years then staying out of love and devotion would seem reasonable. You're not in that position. And it seems staying out of a sense of pity will do neither of you any good in the long run. This poor woman's condition is heartbreaking. I can understand and empathize how difficult a decision this is. Make it soon.
  13. Someone who wanted to spend more of my time to save a few cents would set my alarm bells ringing. Nothing is more valuable than time. I'm not criticizing, I'm pointing out the differences people have to the OP. OP this isn't about money. The money is a symptom, not the cause. The cause is you see and live life differently. IMHO he's a joyless tightwad, to others he's the model of responsibility. People are going to see it differently. The important thing is, how do you see it? You wouldn't be here if you were happy about it.
  14. He's a person that knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. I don't want anything to do with people like this. Life is too short. Your mileage may differ. Stop and get the $7 ice cream. If he can't even tolerate a small treat like that, then you really, really, REALLY need to consider what it would be like going through life with a man like this.
  15. I'm not sure you have a problem. It's natural to feel a slight ping of jealousy when your partner checks someone else out. I think we are hardwired to check out the field, and we are hardwired not to like it when our partner does it front of us. As long as it's not an issue that leads to fights and histrionics. Just give him a good elbow to the ribs. He'll get the message.
  16. There's no value in assigning a label to her behaviour. And there is no value in taking a "You're right, she's wrong" approach. Her behaviour centers around her needs being met. That is selfish. Selfish isn't always a bad thing. The self is very important. The issue seems like she's always putting her needs ahead of yours. This would get tiring. Ultimately separate the individual from the behaviour, and deal with the behaviour. I suspect a major life change, like you have made recently, is going to exacerbate the anxiety. Maybe what she is experiencing is temporary, and will resolve as she gets more familiar and secure with her new surroundings. If you love her, and want this to work, this is an issue for the professionals. If her anxiety continues, or worsens, then you have a different decision to make. For now take a deep breath, shoulder more of the burden while you try to get her anxiety sorted. Although anger and resentment might be normal, it won't solve any of your problems. Don't make any decision while you're angry.
  17. Staring is one of two things; hostility, or interest.
  18. You can't stop the madness. You accept it, or move on. That is who he is. I'm flattered when guys hit on my gal. I know she's coming home with me no matter who pursues her, so whatever... sounds a bit insecure to me.
  19. Same answer. She's not interested. I can understand if your confused. Mixed signals can do that. Here's what you need to consider. Mixed signals and disinterest ALWAYS have the same outcome. At least with clear disinterest you can move on easily. So my advice to you is, treat the mixed signals as if she wasn't interested. The outcome will be the same and you will save yourself a bunch of grief. I'll go even a bit further. Don't pursue anyone unless you have a mutual "Oh WOW" effect on each other. Everything else is really a waste of time. There are exceptions where people 'come around'. These exceptions are too rare to waste time trying to pursue. Be good to yourself and give up on this fool's errand.
  20. Another vote for 'not interested'. One big tell is the re-offer. If you re-offer another time and get a vague response, you're toast.
  21. When you try to rescue a damsel in distress, you just end up with distressed damsel. The ex bf could be an excuse, or a valid reason. Regardless, you know where you stand. Don't wait around, and stop pursuing her. Move on to bigger and better adventures.
  22. Let me see if I got this straight. If a guy acts like a player, he's a player. If he doesn't act like a player, well, he's definitely a player. Don't date until you stop hating men.
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