Is this a red flag or am I overthinking??

[blue_night]

Hello everyone, I apologize in advance for any language mistake.

Me and my boyfriend of 10 months were watching an animated tv series today. It is quite a violent anime with a lot of graphic violence and gory scenes. I am someone who is VERY easily triggered by that kind of content.

He was the one to suggest watching it and I have enjoyed the story a lot so far.

As I said we were watching one of the episodes earlier today and it had a scene in which a cat was brutally killed and his body parts started flying around... It sent shivers down my spine. I am sick to my stomach whenever I see animals getting hurt, I am a very emotional and empathetic person so scenes like that just make me suffer tremendously.

On the other hand, he just..laughed??

He was so amused by that. I looked at him in complete horror. And he was like "what's up? It's fake, it's just a cartoon".

So an animal being brutally killed is funny just because it's animated? ..ok? What am I missing here?

He then told me that it is normal to laugh at that sort of things and even his cousin laughed at that exact scene. And I was made to feel like I was the odd one for not finding it funny.

He then proceeded to get angry and told me "I should just stop watching anything with you"

He is a very loving sweet and caring boyfriend otherwise, we love each other a lot but this confused me A LOT.

Should I worry about this or just pretend it never happened? Does this mean he could potentially become an abusive partner in the future? Do other people really find that kind of stuff amusing and I'm the odd duck here?

For more context, I am 22 and he's 27.

I have also noticed he has a tendency to get angry easily 

 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

What does he get easily angry about?

Seems like he may have a tendency to get angry about things that don't go his way or challenge his beliefs. 

One time I showed a video to my brother when I was a vegetarian and it was of a chicken hanging from a hook while still alive, trying to break free from its chains before being slaughtered.

It really shook me.

My brother had no reaction whatsoever. It bothered me a bit but I just assumed my brother just sees it as normal since he eats meat every day (he has no issues with vegetarians as long as they don't try to impose their way of life on others). He is the most nature loving, peaceful people I know.

But here is the big question: Is it funny? Not, not really. It's horrible, and it is shown because it helps define what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior. But it is up for debate whether or not people can laugh while serious - I like semi-goriness in fictional movies or tv, some of it is so outlandish that it is funny, but if there is too much or if is cruel or involves animals I get disturbed.

I think you need to pay attention to your 'reaction' to your boyfriends 'reactions'. You are entitled to be disturbed by the gore and violence in the anime, but you should be careful when assuming that then means your boyfriend enjoys violence and he's secretly Ted Bundy.

There's all kinds of reasons to laugh. It could be nervousness. It could be that your boyfriend is a sensitive loving person too who just feels less hurt (because he can tell it's not real). But also, very bad people can be nice to their girlfriends and pets.

I don't agree with your boyfriend's belief that  it is "normal" to laugh at animal violence, but from what I understand about Japanese and Chinese humor, he is correct in that a lot of East Asian media does find jokes in gore the way Western media often finds jokes in things like sex.

All important questions in the context of this thread. The instant you start feeling uncertain, it might be a good idea to discuss that with your boyfriend.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, blue_night said:

.He then proceeded to get angry and told me "I should just stop watching anything with you"

 Does this mean he could potentially become an abusive partner in the future? I have also noticed he has a tendency to get angry easily 

Sorry this is happening. Trust your instincts. 10 months dating is the observation and getting to know you period where you assess compatibility and note any red flags. 

Hopefully you don't live together. Why hang out and watch stuff you dislike or find offensive? Don't complain, just get up and leave. People watch all sorts of violent stuff. 

Go home and relax and do something with friends and family and when you make time for each other find mutually agreeable things to do.  

Right now it's seems your tastes and sense of humor do not mesh well.  There's nothing to pretend happened. You hated the movie so he knows this. It's your responsibility to monitor what you entertain yourself with and avoid getting "triggered".  Why is he angry so often? 

[TeeDee]

When I was a bit younger than you I went to a movie with a guy who IMO got way too excited & involved in an arson / fire scene.  It really freaked me out because to me his reaction was inappropriate & cause for concern.  I broke up with him that night.  

I am still aware of that guy.  To the best of my knowledge he's a normal person & has been happily married to his wife for 30 years & they have great well adjusted kids.  So even though I was wrong, I never regretted the decision to end things because his reaction didn't sit well with me.  Trust your instincts. 

I'm not sure from your post whether he was laughing at the scene or at you.  Neither is good but the fact that he gets upset easily is a red flag you need to pay attention to.  

[blue_night]

30 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

When I was a bit younger than you I went to a movie with a guy who IMO got way too excited & involved in an arson / fire scene.  It really freaked me out because to me his reaction was inappropriate & cause for concern.  I broke up with him that night.  

I am still aware of that guy.  To the best of my knowledge he's a normal person & has been happily married to his wife for 30 years & they have great well adjusted kids.  So even though I was wrong, I never regretted the decision to end things because his reaction didn't sit well with me.  Trust your instincts. 

I'm not sure from your post whether he was laughing at the scene or at you.  Neither is good but the fact that he gets upset easily is a red flag you need to pay attention to.  

Thank you for the advice!🙏 he was actually laughing at the scene, which I found very disturbing. He then got angry at me because to him it was nothing serious, he told me that he didn't want to watch anything with me ever again and went to sleep because all of that made his head hurt..

He definitely gets upset too easily, and I know it's not going to get any better in the future. I have started noticing different incompatibilities between me and him in the past 2 months 

[rainbowsandroses]

39 minutes ago, blue_night said:

He then got angry at me because to him it was nothing serious, he told me that he didn't want to watch anything with me ever again and went to sleep because all of that made his head hurt..

Given that he doesn't want to watch any TV with you ever again, I take it this wasn't the first time you had an issue with his behavior during something you watched on TV together?  

2 hours ago, blue_night said:

It is quite a violent anime with a lot of graphic violence and gory scenes.

What type of animated series was it?  Was it a comedy, something meant to be satirical?

If it was meant to be satirical (and as such humorous?), there are people who do find such things humorous, I DON'T.  I neither like nor appreciate satire, I find it to be cruel and can also be hurtful.  I am very sensitive to it.

BUT my lovely late dad did enjoy it and he did NOT have a cruel or vicious bone in his body.  In fact the opposite, he was a very giving person, a humanitarian.

But he often laughed at satire and other things I personally found grotesque, it's just different tastes and styles.  I can actually envision him laughing at something like that if it's what I am imagining it to be.

How is everything else going in your relationship?  Is this the only area of disagreement and conflict?  If so, then a solution or compromise might be to not watch TV together unless it's a show or a movie that you know beforehand you both will enjoy?

What types of things does he get angry about?  And to what extent ?  Does he lash out at others, start fights, punch walls, etc?

 

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, blue_night said:

...he told me that he didn't want to watch anything with me ever again and went to sleep because all of that made his head hurt..

He definitely gets upset too easily, and I know it's not going to get any better in the future. I have started noticing different incompatibilities between me and him in the past 2 months

Not only would I find his reaction to the scene unnerving, his treatment of you afterward would seal the deal for me. He already has no problem voicing disrespect toward you, and he's already manipulating you with punishment for your feelings. His treatment of you is not likely to get better if you stick around to tolerate this.

I'd ask myself, "Is this the kind of man with whom I envision spending my future?"

I hope you'll make a wise decision to walk away.

[ShySoul]

The reaction to animated violence may simply be a case of drastically different tastes. When you think about even classic cartoons like Bugs Bunny, there is all kinds of violent things happening. Modern movies/shows/cartoons/etc. have grown more graphic. It's possible some people are desensitised to the violence or just have a higher threshold for what they can stand.

For what it's worth, I'm in agreement with you. I find excessive violence or gore disturbing. There's nothing funny about it. My roommate is even more highly sensitive, so we stay away from that content. You are not odd for feeling as you do.

The larger issue is his reaction. The mature thing for him to do would be to realize that this was making you uncomfortable and that you can't handle certain things that he can. He should have apoligized, made sure you were okay, and agreed to watch something else. There are all kinds of animes and other things you can watch together. He can watch this one on his own. 

Instead he overreacts and says he can't watch anything with you? He blames you and makes out like you are the one with a problem. 

I always say to look for the trend. This isn't the first time his temper has concerned you. You say you don't see it getting better. So is this the kind of person you want to be around? Does this person share the same values you do? He may have many great qualities, but is this something you want to risk living with? 

Personally, I don't think I could. And I hope you don't either.

 

[blue_night]

6 hours ago, yogacat said:

I think you need to pay attention to your 'reaction' to your boyfriends 'reactions'. You are entitled to be disturbed by the gore and violence in the anime, but you should be careful when assuming that then means your boyfriend enjoys violence and he's secretly Ted Bundy.

There's all kinds of reasons to laugh. It could be nervousness. It could be that your boyfriend is a sensitive loving person too who just feels less hurt (because he can tell it's not real). But also, very bad people can be nice to their girlfriends and pets.

 

Thank you for the reply!

Yes, you are right about that. I know he wouldn't ever hurt an animal  But I wonder how he would have reacted if that same scene happened in real life.

In the past he has sent me a video of a a lil parrot in which the cage door dropped on its neck. The birb looked very in pain and watching that made me really sad. But again, he thought it was amusing. 

And that time it wasn't just animated, it was a real even caught on camera. What's funny about an animal suffering? I just refuse to understand.

He has told me that he just enjoys looking at animal's fails, which is something that can be amusing indeed! But I find absolutely nothing funny in an innocent life hurting..

He has shown me in different instances that he is quite an apathetic person.

Another example, he has once witnessed someone jumping from a bridge to his death a few years back. When I asked him "how did that make you feel?" He told me "I felt nothing, just kept walking". 

The fact he wasn't moved by the situation at all, not even a little bit, really impacted me.

And I have many more examples in my mind of him not feeling emphaty towards situations involving people closer to him

[blue_night]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

I always say to look for the trend. This isn't the first time his temper has concerned you. You say you don't see it getting better. So is this the kind of person you want to be around? Does this person share the same values you do? He may have many great qualities, but is this something you want to risk living with? 

Personally, I don't think I could. And I hope you don't either.

 

If I ask myself "is he the kind of person I want to spend my life with?" The answer is probably no..

I have noticed in the past few months many things about him that made me think. And I'm also starting to feel that we're actually two completely different people.

He is a surface-level thinker with little capacity for introspection. I am the opposite of that. And I feel like I need more depth from my relationship. 

He is a great boyfriend in many ways and we have a lot of fun together, I love spending time with him, but I struggle to feel connected to people who are not inclined to deeper ways of thinking

 

[blue_night]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Not only would I find his reaction to the scene unnerving, his treatment of you afterward would seal the deal for me. He already has no problem voicing disrespect toward you, and he's already manipulating you with punishment for your feelings. His treatment of you is not likely to get better if you stick around to tolerate this.

I'd ask myself, "Is this the kind of man with whom I envision spending my future?"

I hope you'll make a wise decision to walk away.

Yes this is a question that I have asked myself...

Thanks for the input

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, blue_night said:

So an animal being brutally killed is funny just because it's animated? ..ok? What am I missing here?

 

Depending on a context, maybe. Lots of people today are too serious with the media they consume. They think every protagonist is supposed to be a role model without flaws and that every situation needs to be teachable. While in reality, its not like that. lots of characters, villains and even heroes are not good people. Nore everything they do needs a teachable moments where somebody would tell the audience how that is bad. Sometimes they do bad stuff. Sometimes violence is funny. Media is suppose to be escapism. People who you kill in a video game are not real people. You can be emotionally connected to them or not depending on a context, but yes, its still fiction and the form of escapism. Somebody who plays Call of Duty isnt going to shoot people because he does it in game. No matter how much boomers tell you that.

That being said, I would be way more concerned about him witnessing a suicide and feeling nothing. That shows that he truly is desensitized to any form of emotions and that he truly lacks empathy for even big stuff like that.

[blue_night]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Right now it's seems your tastes and sense of humor do not mesh well.  There's nothing to pretend happened. You hated the movie so he knows this. It's your responsibility to monitor what you entertain yourself with and avoid getting "triggered".  Why is he angry so often? 

Thanks for the reply! 

He gets angry at things when he really shouldn't. 

For example, the other day while I was at his house, he went to take out the garbage. I heard him saying "I'm bringing the keys with me". So I knew he had the keys with him and followed him outside the house. 

Then, the door closed behind my back because of the wind. 

He turned around and looked at me saying "And now? How are we supposed to enter the house?" So I told him that before exiting I heard him say he had the keys with him, I wouldn't risk going out without making sure the keys are with us. And he got so irritated because "And what if I didn't have them with me?" 

But you have them with you! It's not like we're stuck outside, we have the solution to this problem!! So what's the point in getting angry at this, really? I don't understand. I feel like a normal reaction would have been "It's fine, don't worry, I have the keys with me" and just laugh it off. 

To me his anger seemed very unnecessary. And when I told him what I thought, he said to me "It is normal that things like that piss me off, others would be screaming at this instead". Nice...

[blue_night]

23 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 Media is suppose to be escapism. People who you kill in a video game are not real people. You can be emotionally connected to them or not depending on a context, but yes, its still fiction and the form of escapism. Somebody who plays Call of Duty isnt going to shoot people because he does it in game. No matter how much boomers tell you that.

Thanks for the reply!

I understand media is escapism. And I get that violence can be funny sometimes. But this wasn't in the context of a humorous or satirical scene. It was just an animal being dismembered and the scene was serious and just too violent. Finding this funny and amusing is strange as hell. I personally don't think it is the same as playing call of duty. There may be a lot of people out there who would find this funny, or even most, but I think, just because something is normal/common it doesn't mean it is also right?

And also yes, the fact he fell nothing while witnessing a suicide is also strange as hell

 

[rainbowsandroses]

I have an idea.   Instead of continuing to trash him, why don't you simply break up with him? 

I don't mean for that to sound snarky but you've spent the better part of this thread detailing qualities that, in your opinion, are rather disturbing.

So why are you still there?  At worst he's a twisted sociopath, at best you're simply NOT compatible.

I don't get it, why not just wish him well and walk away?

Yes?  No?

 

[poorlittlefish]

Your boyfriend sounds like he has no compassion whatsoever for other living things, be it human or animal.  That's not a trait I'd want from someone I'm sharing my life with.

[blue_night]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I have an idea.   Instead of continuing to trash him, why don't you simply break up with him? 

I don't mean for that to sound snarky but you've spent the better part of this thread detailing qualities that, in your opinion, are rather disturbing.

So why are you still there?  At worst he's a twisted sociopath, at best you're simply NOT compatible.

I don't get it, why not just wish him well and walk away?

Yes?  No?

 

I am considering this yes, even though it is not easy at all. There are also good things about our relationship. I still love him for many other things but I'm realizing love is not enough.

We are very different and it's starting to feel like a forced relationship... I think it is better if we part ways and don't waste each other's time.

I really want him to be happy and wish him the absolute best in life, he would be the greatest friend but as a couple we are definitely not compatible. :( I feel like there are more reasons to end it than reasons to stay. How should I go about this and cause him the least pain in the process?

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I have an idea.   Instead of continuing to trash him, why don't you simply break up with him? 

I don't mean for that to sound snarky but you've spent the better part of this thread detailing qualities that, in your opinion, are rather disturbing.

So why are you still there?  At worst he's a twisted sociopath, at best you're simply NOT compatible.

I don't get it, why not just wish him well and walk away?

Yes?  No?

 

I agree -it sounds like this situation triggered you to remember and focus on the other situations where he has shown a side of him that is not compatible with you.  The "but I love him" seems to be focused on his other side.  But if you commit to him long term you're marrying all sides.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, blue_night said:

.i have noticed in the past few months many things about him that made me think. And I'm also starting to feel that we're actually two completely different people.I struggle to feel connected to people who are not inclined to deeper ways of thinking 

Please try to focus on the incompatibly aspects, anger and other deal breakers and red flags. 

It seems you are so incompatible that there is no respect for each other. He is rude to you and you believe he's stupid or superficial. 

Try not to focus on taste on media. Violence sells including tasteless stuff like "jack@ss". This is just a symptom of overall lack of shared values sensibilities and most of all mutual lack of respect. 

Violence is everywhere, but the issue is you don't respect each other and the incompatibilities are surfacing as the rosy glow wears off. 

[blue_night]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree -it sounds like this situation triggered you to remember and focus on the other situations where he has shown a side of him that is not compatible with you.  The "but I love him" seems to be focused on his other side.  But if you commit to him long term you're marrying all sides.

Yes, it is true. I have been thinking about our incompatibilities for a while already, and this made everything 10 times worse...I should probably just set him free as I feel I'm developing resentment and it is not okay at all, especially considering we've been together for only 10 months and this should be the honeymoon phase of the relationship...

[yogacat]

7 hours ago, blue_night said:

Thank you for the reply!

Yes, you are right about that. I know he wouldn't ever hurt an animal  But I wonder how he would have reacted if that same scene happened in real life.

In the past he has sent me a video of a a lil parrot in which the cage door dropped on its neck. The birb looked very in pain and watching that made me really sad. But again, he thought it was amusing. 

And that time it wasn't just animated, it was a real even caught on camera. What's funny about an animal suffering? I just refuse to understand.

He has told me that he just enjoys looking at animal's fails, which is something that can be amusing indeed! But I find absolutely nothing funny in an innocent life hurting..

He has shown me in different instances that he is quite an apathetic person.

Another example, he has once witnessed someone jumping from a bridge to his death a few years back. When I asked him "how did that make you feel?" He told me "I felt nothing, just kept walking". 

The fact he wasn't moved by the situation at all, not even a little bit, really impacted me.

And I have many more examples in my mind of him not feeling emphaty towards situations involving people closer to him

I think what you view as him getting short with you is probably a response to your asking him "what is normal."  If he starts laughing at something you find distasteful and you turn to him and ask him what is normal and why is that funny, he probably thinks something along the lines of, "Normal is not relevant to the fact that I thought this thing was funny and I'm not sure why she's calling it not normal. I'm uncomfortable being analyzed like that."  

About the suicide thing..well, when something tragic like that happens, most people would at least feel some kind of discomfort? I would be deeply bothered by personally witnessing what had just happened. But he didn't even feel..anything. 

That said, not being moved by someone's suicide doesn't really suggest lack of empathy. Maybe. It's a difficult situation because it's hard for an outsider to make judgement, so in situations like that I am either assuming that something led him to act in that way, or that maybe he's not too "into" talking about his feelings, or sharing his feelings. Or... can't I respond to anything without being judged? 😕

If things don't progress to how you would like in your relationship, you also have the choice to leave.

I don't see you as feeling 100% that's what you want - either being with him or leaving - but I do see you as looking for more certainty in how you make decisions, particularly with someone you care about.

He sounds to me to be a detached person. Here's what I worry about: if you are in a romantic relationship with someone who feels detached, how can he express the love he feels for you?

Consider all this carefully.

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, blue_night said:

I feel like there are more reasons to end it than reasons to stay. How should I go about this and cause him the least pain in the process?

Breakups are always painful, but the key is not to stay in contact once that happens so that closure can happen more quickly and each of you can progress to the healing stage.

It's also smart to not have him believing that he can argue with you about the decision and pleading with you that he'll change.

So try not to show him anything that will have him thinking he can sway you, such as you saying you're so sorry, how you feel horrible, etc. Keep your statements to fact. I'd begin with: I'm not feeling what I should for this to be a lifetime relationship.

If he presses for more, I'd say: The anger has eaten away at my love. I'm done and there will be no second chances.

If he tries to keep engaging way to long about the subject, it doesn't mean you have to give in to that. Tell him you'll enjoy the memories that were good, wish him well, and go home. Then block him.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, blue_night said:

Yes, it is true. I have been thinking about our incompatibilities for a while already, and this made everything 10 times worse...I should probably just set him free as I feel I'm developing resentment and it is not okay at all, especially considering we've been together for only 10 months and this should be the honeymoon phase of the relationship...

Many years ago in my 20s I dated a man who was a great catch on paper. And very negative /cynical. My age. About a year into our serious relationship with marriage talk I showed him proudly a class picture of the students for whom I’d been a student teacher for a couple of months. I was in the class photo too. He knew 100% how committed I was to being their student teacher. they were “my kids” so to speak. I spoke of them all the time and my work and my admiration for their teacher.

The first thing he said when he looked at the class photo was to make a race-based remark about the students - and yes racist. I believe he finally lamely apologized but in general he was very dismissive and condescending  
 

I wish I’d known then what I know now - that combined with all the other constant negative and narrow minded remarks he was not for me. Instead I stayed and was briefly engaged to him and thank goodness realized right away that I was settling and broke it off. But at my age I thought I loved him and was so desperate to be married like my friends were doing and have babies. Desperate makes for poor choices as does “but I love him “

[smackie9]

They always seem to be on their best behaviour in the beginning, but when they get comfortable, the ugliness starts to come out and act like they don't care. That's the danger zone. Your gut instinct has been nibbling away at your conscience for two months now. Don't ignore it. You came here for other explanations, advice.....but I would say it's time to fold up your tent and leave this relationship.

[AndyPandy]

20 hours ago, blue_night said:

As I said we were watching one of the episodes earlier today and it had a scene in which a cat was brutally killed and his body parts started flying around... It sent shivers down my spine. I am sick to my stomach whenever I see animals getting hurt, I am a very emotional and empathetic person so scenes like that just make me suffer tremendously.

On the other hand, he just..laughed??

He was so amused by that. I looked at him in complete horror. And he was like "what's up? It's fake, it's just a cartoon".

So an animal being brutally killed is funny just because it's animated? ..ok? What am I missing here?

He then told me that it is normal to laugh at that sort of things and even his cousin laughed at that exact scene. And I was made to feel like I was the odd one for not finding it funny.

He then proceeded to get angry and told me "I should just stop watching anything with you"

As others have already mentioned, violence - especially gory violence in film/TV content can sometimes be intended as gallows humour where the audience are supposed to laugh at the over-the-top or cartoonish nature of the proceedings but even then, not everyone would find amusement in those situations and it's important for others to be sensitive to that.

For example, I introduced a family member to a highly acclaimed procedural police drama and after a few episodes they asked that I turn it off as they found the violence upsetting. I respected their wishes and later explained that I'd wanted them to watch the show because it covered many social issues that they have felt passionate about and been involved in campaigning to address.

They then understood my intentions but I never attempted to persuade them to resume watching it and I certainly didn't become angry with them and rant that it meant we could never watch anything together in future.

20 hours ago, blue_night said:

I have also noticed he has a tendency to get angry easily

This is the red flag that you should be concerned about the most, in my humble opinion.