Should I tell him why I lost interest???

[Username02]

I (f50) dated someone (m50) for about 3 months.  We went out on 6/7 dates- kissing but no sex. He told me he isn’t in a place for a commitment, but still wanted to see me.  I took that as  way of  he wasn’t that interested in me.  So I let him know that I thought we had taken things as far as we could together and let’s be friends.

He requested to talk about things face to face. We met at a bar- he told me he still wanted to see me.  He proceeded to check out a female bartender during this conversation.

Eventually we decide to go up the street get something to eat. On the way he took a call and he told me he had to go to help his friend with something in about 45 min.

When we arrived at the restaurant it was super crowded and we just got a drink and sat at the bar where he checked out another bartender.

He finished his drink- I didn’t finish mine. He needed to get going and was going to leave me in the bar alone.  This is in the middle of a high crime major city by the way.  Didn’t offer to walk me to my car- nothing!  I l’m over him.
He has contacted me, but hasn’t asked me out. Do I tell him that I lost interest because of his inconsiderate behavior or just let it go?

[Andrina]

Block him. He's not worthy of any further communication.

[yogacat]

11 minutes ago, Username02 said:

Do I tell him that I lost interest because of his inconsiderate behavior or just let it go?

He's a 50 year old man, he should know how to treat a person with basic respect and decency. You don't owe him an explanation for why you lost interest.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Username02 said:

.

He has contacted me, but hasn’t asked me out. Do I tell him that I lost interest because of his inconsiderate behavior or just let it go?

Unfortunately it's not a good match and you're not going to fix, change or teach him anything. He's not asking you out so there's no reason to communicate. Delete and block him. He told you upfront he's not interested, so now is the time to walk away. 

[smackie9]

Maybe that was his way of getting rid of you. Block this chump.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Username02 said:

He has contacted me, but hasn’t asked me out. Do I tell him that I lost interest because of his inconsiderate behavior or just let it go?

I don't think he's going to care much, to be honest. 

He told you he doesn't want to commit, cut your meet-up short, and hasn't asked you out since. It doesn't appear he is overly interested himself. 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, Username02 said:

He requested to talk about things face to face. We met at a bar- he told me he still wanted to see me.  He proceeded to check out a female bartender during this conversation.

First off I agree with others who said NO explanation needed.  This is one of those instances where NOTHING needs to be said, simply block him and delete his messages and contact information.

Secondly, re what's bolded above.  Next time a man does this, immediately excuse yourself (politely) and LEAVE.

It's unclear why you chose to stay and then leave with him to go to another restaurant only to have him do the same thing AGAIN!

I know there are women who don't mind this, but I find it highly disrespectful when a man is out on a date with ME and he's blatantly checking out other women right in front of my face.

No thank you.  Politely excuse yourself (you don't even need to tell him why), call a friend or a Uber and leave.

EDIT:   When I want to stop seeing or talking to a man I only dated a handful of times (typically less than that) or had a few message exchanges with, I don't give explanations anymore.  I have learned especially recently that guys do not respect it nor honor it.  They will continue texting/calling, let's talk, come on!, you don't mean it, let me change your mind and all sorts of other bull crap.

Honestly I cannot be bothered.  Wrong or right, I simply stop responding, block them and that's that.

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Username02 said:

He has contacted me, but hasn’t asked me out.

Yeah, I dont think he cares much anyway.

[TeeDee]

If you care to share that you felt he was inconsiderate and insensitive you are free to do so.  It won't change his behavior in the long run.  He may promise to change but I doubt your perceptions will have meaningful long term impact on his behavior.  

[rainbowsandroses]

8 hours ago, Username02 said:

He told me he isn’t in a place for a commitment, but still wanted to see me.  I took that as  way of  he wasn’t that interested in me.  So I let him know that I thought we had taken things as far as we could together and let’s be friends.

He requested to talk about things face to face. We met at a bar- he told me he still wanted to see me.

@Username02re ^^ I am very curious as to why you have allowed him to call all the shots here?  I mean, he told you he wasn't ready for a committed RL, I am assuming you are and not interested in anything casual?  And told him you've taken things as far as they're gonna go and ended it (which was a smart move by the way).  

It should have been done at that point, no?  

But yet because he told he still wanted to see you (despite the fact you were on two totally different wavelengths re what you both wanted) you agreed?  After which he proceeds to check out other women while out with you TWICE and leaves you in a bar in bad area with no way to get home.

What am I missing? 

I am happy nothing bad happened to you in that area all alone, how did you finally get home and why in the world are you still speaking to him let alone allowing him any access to you at all? 

I am seeking understanding, that's all.  Can you clarify your thought process re your choice to continue seeing him?   And why you feel you owe him some sort of explanation after how he treated you?

 

 

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, Username02 said:

Do I tell him that I lost interest because of his inconsiderate behavior or just let it go?

I wouldn't see the point, this has nowhere left to go. If you imagine that he would respond by telling you how sorry he is, I'd challenge you to be more realistic. He's rude on several fronts. So why would you want to position yourself for him to get defensive then turn offensive and insult you?

I'd chalk this off as a confirmed mismatch and just walk away.

[ShySoul]

No explanation is needed or required.

However, saying something shouldn't be about him, it's about you. What does your gut say is the right thing for you to do? Do you want to tell him? Would it make you feel better to call out his actions? Would it provide a sense of closure? Or would you be happier just forgetting him and letting things lie where they stand? Do what you want and what you feel is best for you.

[Wiseman2]

There are people who actually do exit interviews after dates. It's a ridiculous trend because all anyone learns is someone's particular idiosyncracies.Even people who have gone out on only a date or a few.

People also engage in postmortem breakup analysis which may have more merit. 

However In this case if you want to tell him off or have the last word, there's nothing to lose (or gain), because he doesn't seem to care what you think.

[Username02]

13 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Userna

I am seeking understanding, that's all.  Can you clarify your thought process re your choice to continue seeing him?   And why you feel you owe him some sort of explanation after how he treated you?

 

 

Thank you for asking. We met at the bar- we both drove a parked in different places and I had my car. I mistakenly told him I would keep in better touch with him. I hate it when my words and actions don't align, so I want to explain to him the reasons why I haven't reached out. 

He presents as someone who wants to improve himself. Plus, we were set up by mutual friends so I'm not sure if cutting off all communication works here.  I have no interest in pursuing anything with him AT ALL.

[Starlight925]

You don't need to tell him you lost interest, because he's already beaten you to it.

He lost interest in you.

He ogles other women, he does not care about your safety, he tells you he wants no commitment.

That, my friend, is a man who has no interest.

[Andrina]

33 minutes ago, Username02 said:

I mistakenly told him I would keep in better touch with him. I hate it when my words and actions don't align,

If he were a decent person (leaving you to fend for yourself in a dangerous area is the biggest show of him NOT being decent, besides ogling other women), then by all means, you could've told him bye-bye.

It'll be best for you to not have a black and white mentality, and embrace the gray. At the time, you said what you said, but in hindsight, given what happened, you're allowed to change your mind is there is nothing ethically wrong with now choosing to block without a word. Ease up on yourself!

40 minutes ago, Username02 said:

Plus, we were set up by mutual friends so I'm not sure if cutting off all communication works here.

If I were called out by mutual friends, i.e., "He said you blocked him out of the blue." I'd say exactly what you said on this forum and that I didn't want to waste any more time or energy on someone who behaves in this atrocious way.

With your mindset, I'm guessing you're a type A personality and are very organized. Those traits can be beneficial for certain parts of your life, but in this circumstance, it's best to operate in a way you're not used to. Also, it seems you're placing other people above your own needs. Again, sometimes it's best to do that in life, such as caring for a sick loved one. In this case, you have to have your own back above a jerk. And if your mutual friends are true friends, they will understand and have YOUR back.

[Username02]

Thanks everyone.  I agree it’s better to simply move on.  It might feel good and it could help him in the future to know- no woman will fall in love with someone who stares at other women, or abandons them in a crowded bar at night.

He has good traits too.  Brought  flowers, and a small gift (a cool notebook) when I had him over for dinner on date 3.  Sent flowers for Valentines Day, and had a nice at home date (my place) Sends links and pics of things he knows I would like - sneakers, furniture etc. So he can be can be thoughtful……

[yogacat]

17 minutes ago, Username02 said:

He has good traits too.  Brought  flowers, and a small gift (a cool notebook) when I had him over for dinner on date 3.  Sent flowers for Valentines Day, and had a nice at home date (my place) Sends links and pics of things he knows I would like - sneakers, furniture etc. So he can be can be thoughtful……

Well, we can't all be perfect.

He has good traits, sure. Some generous behaviors...

It just so happens the other less savory ones are a bigger deal.

[Username02]

This is what I WOULD say to the good parts of him

“ I said I would stay in touch and wanted to let you know why I haven’t.  When we saw each other, I got scared when you were going to leave me in a crowded bar and let to walk to my car alone- that’s the main reason I offered to give you a ride to your car. 
I would have been fine on my own- but felt abandoned by you at the same time.
Still no hard feelings- it just became clear that we really are only friends.”

[yogacat]

Yeah, I think that night he left you at the bar at that point he was pretty much done.

He wanted a casual relationship and he didn't get the bootie and you made it clear that he wouldn't with just wanting to be friends so he probably just didn't care at that point.

I'm glad that you closed the door on things.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Username02 said:

I said I would stay in touch and wanted to let you know why I haven’t.

Has he bothered to reach out to you? If not, why are you not seeing that his ogling women and leaving you at the bar was his statement that this whole thing doesn't matter to him.

If you think because you share mutual friends, your message would leave a better impression on him than silence, think again. It contains a criticism in it that he can't change, so he'll just badmouth you anyway to try to make himself sound judged.

Skip that. This guy will not be kind to you behind your back, and there's no salvaging that. Best to not start a perception war with him. If you really need to tell him something, you can say, "Just reaching out as I said I would. Thank you for the drink, and I look forward to seeing you with (names of mutual friends) someday."

Boom. Done.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Username02 said:

, we were set up by mutual friends so I'm not sure if cutting off all communication works here.  I have no interest in pursuing anything with him AT ALL.

That's ok. Please explain to your mutual friends that you're not a match because you want different things. They'll understand. But please don't send that message. Especially this part. It seems needy and unnecessary. 

"I would have been fine on my own- but felt abandoned by you at the same time.
Still no hard feelings- it just became clear that we really are only friends.”

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, Username02 said:

This is what I WOULD say to the good parts of him

“ I said I would stay in touch and wanted to let you know why I haven’t. When we saw each other, I got scared when you were going to leave me in a crowded bar and let to walk to my car alone- that’s the main reason I offered to give you a ride to your car. 
I would have been fine on my own- but felt abandoned by you at the same time.
Still no hard feelings- it just became clear that we really are only friends.”

I would only say this^ IF after you ghost him HE reaches out and asks.  Then you can be forthcoming and honest, possibly.

The bolded sounds extremely needy to me personally.  But up to you ONLY if he reaches out and asks why you ghosted (stopped staying in touch).

But if you have NOT heard from him, saying this is presumptuous because you're presuming he gives a crap which as it stands now, he does not.

It will go in one ear and out the other, he may laugh at it, share with friends: sounds harsh but I grew up with FIVE brothers and have heard it all.

Much of it appalled me, fortunately they matured and no longer behave so crudely. 

They respect women and would have NEVER left her alone in a bar in a bad area, (or any area), regardless of whether he had a romantic interest in her or not.

That is so bottom of the barrel, I'm still kinda SMH as to why you're giving him any thought at all.  Let alone contemplating sending a message explaining your feelings. 

[Andrina]

Believe me, he will just roll his eyes at a text like that. He's 50 years old and you don't think he knows he's a jerk? Maybe you can advise him to watch Sesame Street to learn the basics of manners as well so he'll have better luck in the dating world.

I'm just trying to point out how way off base you are. And to say he's a friend? Friends don't ditch one another in unsafe areas. 

[Cherylyn]

No contact,  no response,  no reply,  no replies,  ignoring,  ghosting and permanently severing ties requires no translation nor explanations whatsoever.  Actions speak louder than words.  Let your non-action and indifference do all the talking for you.  It's what I do.  The other party gets the message right away.