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Im having an affair im 25, he’s 43 and i have a boyfriend


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I’ve been having an affair with a man (lets call him John) for around a year now, we have confessed our love for each other and i truly do think the world of him and i love every moment i spend with him. Our emotions for each other are raw and real.

 

Our age gap is significant he is 43 and im 25, i worry my friends and family would judge me as our relationship wouldn’t be conventional, id be ashamed to be open about being with a 43 year old.

 

On the other hand, I do love my boyfriend, i care deeply for him, he treats me like a princess and has never done me any harm and has given me and shown me the world. I feel terrible guilt for doing what im doing and thinking about wanting to leave him, i also do not want to lose the life i have and hurt him in anyway, i have everything ive ever wanted and needed in life and its all thanks to him i have so much to thank him for. I once really loved and enjoyed our time together and it was as passionate as my relationship with John, but our relationship lost its passion and chemistry. My boyfriend and I hardly ever have sex anymore and we are in the middle of buying a house together in London, he adores me and its on my part that the relationship isnt so passionate, i feel i can’t get horny for him or want to be around him too much and this happened long before i met John.

 

John and I have great sex, we understand each other very well emotionally and also care deeply for each other. John in no way is pressuring me to finish with my boyfriend, but i feel i need to stop behaving like this and make a choice. Both men have equal strengths and fit my needs and wants in a relationship in different areas but individually they do not fit my needs and wants wholly.

 

My boyfriend is the more sensible and practical option and John is the more fleeting love story type of option, but he is also sensible too and could make me very happy. I would be anxious about being open about our relationship due to the age gap.

 

How can i not want to be with someone who gives me the world and adores me, is something wrong with me? Do i deserve either of them?

Edited by Rstephanie
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I’ve been having an affair with a man (lets call him John) for around a year now, we have confessed our love for each other

 

On the other hand, I do love my boyfriend, i care deeply for him, he treats me like a princess and has never done me any harm and has given me and shown me the world.

I can't get my head around these two sentences. You're having an affair with a man for one year and then in the same breath you say you "love your boyfriend"? If you really loved him you wouldn't be messing around behind his back for the past year, disrespecting him. It is really selfish to stay with your boyfriend when you're messing around with another. Sounds like you want your cake and eat it too. You can't have it both ways. Do your boyfriend a huge favour, tell him the truth and end it. He deserves to know and make a life with someone who respects him.

 

Do i deserve either of them?

 

What do YOU think? Time for a little self-reflection, maybe?

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"How can i not want to be with someone who gives me the world and adores me, "

 

Because that's only part of a healthy romantic relationship - you have to desire to give to the person too, in romantic ways too. Just because someone wants us doesn't mean we want them. And that's ok. What is not ok is you using him, leading him on, betraying him, lying to him. And John knows you don't value commitment because you are having sex with him behind your boyfriend's back. How is he going to be able to trust you won't do the same to him?

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Sorry, but if you truly loved your boyfriend, you wouldn't be having an affair in the first place. You are disrespecting your boyfriend, big time. He doesn't deserved this horrid treatment from you. You are using him, plain and simple, and that is so selfish of you. If he doesn't fulfill you sexually, or otherwise, then do the right thing and end it with him. Don't lead him on. It's just not right. Surely, you must know how unjust and wrong this is. And, the poor guy probably has no idea about John.

 

"I’ve been having an affair with a man (lets call him John) for around a year now, we have confessed our love for each other and i truly do think the world of him and i love every moment i spend with him."

"I do love my boyfriend, i care deeply for him, he treats me like a princess..." -- Really???

 

You seem to have no moral compass. How would you feel if someone treated you the way your treating your boyfriend?? You don't deserve your boyfriend. At least, do the right thing and let your boyfriend find someone who will truly love him and will respect his loving and caring ways. He deserves that much. Not someone like you, for sure.

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You and John are both extremely selfish people to be doing what you are doing to your bf.

 

Break up with him, let him heal & then find someone who treats him with the dignity & respect he deserves.

 

You & John deserve each other, worrying if each of you is cheating on the other. Once a cheat, always a cheat!

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I find it hilarious you believe you've got a choice between the two. You think John's going to trust a lady who had an affair with him? Full stop, your choice is to continue betraying your boyfriend with this affair or to quit it. There's no alternate reality awaiting you with John.

 

Drop the affair. Dump your boyfriend. No confessions. Shoulder the guilt. Then take a good long break and reflect on how you'd allow yourself to betray the trust of someone you claimed to love before dating again. Or hey, keep banging John if you want and see where the fairy tale leads. Just do your boyfriend the favor of removing him from the picture.

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This scenario has the potential of blowing up in your face, along with leaving you empty handed. It doesn't matter how you slice it, but when all is said and done you'll likely be standing alone.

 

Hopefully you'll make the right choices.

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You think John's going to trust a lady who had an affair with him?

 

My thoughts exactly. John is having a good time right now with no responsibilities. End things with your boyfriend and see how serious John will be then.

Cause it sounds like he won't want you. He wants sex and that's it.

 

You also can't possibly "love" someone if you are willing to betray and cheat like this. That is not love, that is treating someone terribly. Not only is it selfish but it can potentially cause a lot of damage to your boyfriend and you risk giving your bf an STD, cause god knows where else John is putting his manhood.

 

Try to consider another perspective as well, how would you feel if the tables were turned and your boyfriend was the one doing this?

He was the one having a good time with someone that old and lying to you and hiding it? How good would you feel if you found out you were with a man like that?

 

I second it that this is going to blow up in your face. Karma is real and one day you could be the one who is being cheated on.

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You need to end it with your boyfriend.

 

Something is obviously very wrong if you've been carrying on an affair, OP. You don't have the right feelings or basic respect for your boyfriend to make this work long-term. It's not as though you're suddenly going to fall for him, especially not now that you've checked out of the relationship with another man.

 

Just don't expect John to develop into much. These things often die out when the cheating party makes themselves singe and available for their affair partner.

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Given that you're having sex with two guys I hope for your boyfriend's sake that you are using condoms. John is getting sex without the confines of a committed relationship. He doesn't love you in the way you think he does because you've implied he's happy being "the other man". Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is prepared to invest his life and savings into his relationship with you, completely unaware that you are carrying on with a much older guy behind his back. I have a friend who was too cowardly to end his relationship because he "didn't want to hurt her" while he was having an affair with someone else. Well, lies always come out in the end, both women found out and now he's been dumped by both. Needless to say that they've been hurt immensely by his deceit. This is what is going to happen with you sooner or later. Set you boyfriend free to find a woman who won't cheat on him and you can find out for yourself just how much you mean to John...

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if there is no physical intimacy with your bf, i think he needs to know and you both can work on it.if still its not what you feel it should be , break up.

Meanwhile cut contact with other guy do let him know its not appropriate , you both made a mistake.

I think you are already finding it quite hard to manage it, so why not just get out of the situation. Don't cheat.

Breakup and sort yourself out, understand you need to love yourself first and the right person will come along.

there will be many people hitting on you in this life, you need to start working on making boundaries, if you dont respect yourself how will others respect you.

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Sorry to hear this. What is the disconnect with the bf? Is this lover married?

I’ve been having an affair with a man for around a year now

 

My boyfriend and I hardly ever have sex anymore and we are in the middle of buying a house together.

 

John and I have great sex, we understand each other very well emotionally and also care deeply for each other.

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Options/Choices? I didn't catch where John was offering anything. Matter of fact, he's cool with the fact she's got a boyfriend.

Kinda telling, right?

She didn't mention it, but is John even single himself?

that's what i was thinking.

 

Many cheaters are in denial about how committed their fellow cheater is. Which is funny because how committed can a cheater be? By nature commitment is a word, not an action to cheaters.

 

A person that values commitment would not cheat nor would they want a cheater.

 

The only real choices the OP has is to stop cheating or to tell the bf. but the other interesting aspect to note is, that is where their choices or control ends.

 

if she stops cheating with John, the bf can still find out and end things.

 

If OP tells the bf, he still might end things.

 

If Op ends the things with BF, John may end the cheating because he just wanted NSA sex. Whether he is married or single, he might like this arrangement because he doesnt want a relationship. All the connection and emotion, the OP claims is only really on her end. And John just knows what to say to keep OP coming back.

 

Its not unheard of for an older person to seem charismatic, worldly and more than they actually are to a younger person. for the sheer fact the younger person just doesn't have the life experience or the fully developed frontal lobe, to know better.

 

Poor bf, either way, OP is causing a huge issue for him to deal with... its quite despicable, cheating for a year! Selfish, lying, deceitful... you obviously dont deserve your bf... a princess? I'm thinking more evil queen. And she writes about it like oh idk what shoes to wear. skanky.

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Choices?....LOL....no seriously, the idea that you think you have choices OP is completely hilarious.

 

I don't doubt for a second that John is all fun and excitement and giggles. Part of cheater's high - the sneaking around and living in fantasy land. Of course John doesn't care that you have a bf because he couldn't care less about you. You are good for sex and giggles and I'm sure he has fun duping you whispering sweet nothings in your ear that you are actually foolish enough to believe....buuut....if you ever start acting or wanting to be a real gf to John, he'll be gone so fast your head will spin. That man is out for one thing - himself and his pleasure. You are just a tool and an easily duped one at that.

 

As for your bf, cheaters do eventually get caught. You can leave gracefully, no confessions, no bs - you really do owe him that. If you don't, you'll find out the hard way that when men treat you like a princes and you shag another guy behind their back.....things will turn very dark and ugly for you very fast. Only a matter of time before he catches you and kicks your cheating lying behind out of his life and hates your guts for life.

 

No matter how you spin it, this is going to blow up in your face unless you walk away from both men while the going is still good. Of course, I doubt you'll do that because you don't think you'll ever get caught or that consequences apply to you......sooo.....you'll learn your lessons the hard way.

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i also do not want to lose the life i have and hurt him in anyway, i have everything ive ever wanted and needed in life and its all thanks to him i have so much to thank him for.

 

Wait... are you hesitating to break up with your BF because he's bought you things? Because of material things? And/ or because you live with him so you want to keep that life, while screwing around on him? That's what your words here seem to say, and if that's true, then... WOW. Complete and utter self-centeredness.

 

Of course, even without this bit of info, one can easily say that. You're 25 and, not to offend others in your age bracket, but your immaturity is showing big time.

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Ok, no self respecting man is going to be fine being the side piece. The fact he’s not even pressuring you to leave your current relationship, but seems totally fine with it, speaks for him just wanting a bang, some superficial romance and no strings attached. Do you really think you guys will live a fairytale, once you dump your boyfriend? Think again please. I understand relationships go stale and even if your current boyfriend checks all boxes on paper, you’re clearly missing a deeper connection. That’s fine! What’s not fine is having your cake and eating it too. The stability with one, the passionate sex with the other. Do your boyfriend a favor and break up with him. And for the love of god, don’t buy a house with him...

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I’ve been having an affair with a man (lets call him John) for around a year now, we have confessed our love for each other and i truly do think the world of him and i love every moment i spend with him. Our emotions for each other are raw and real.

 

Our age gap is significant he is 43 and im 25, i worry my friends and family would judge me as our relationship wouldn’t be conventional, id be ashamed to be open about being with a 43 year old.

 

On the other hand, I do love my boyfriend, i care deeply for him, he treats me like a princess and has never done me any harm and has given me and shown me the world. I feel terrible guilt for doing what im doing and thinking about wanting to leave him, i also do not want to lose the life i have and hurt him in anyway, i have everything ive ever wanted and needed in life and its all thanks to him i have so much to thank him for. I once really loved and enjoyed our time together and it was as passionate as my relationship with John, but our relationship lost its passion and chemistry. My boyfriend and I hardly ever have sex anymore and we are in the middle of buying a house together in London, he adores me and its on my part that the relationship isnt so passionate, i feel i can’t get horny for him or want to be around him too much and this happened long before i met John.

 

John and I have great sex, we understand each other very well emotionally and also care deeply for each other. John in no way is pressuring me to finish with my boyfriend, but i feel i need to stop behaving like this and make a choice. Both men have equal strengths and fit my needs and wants in a relationship in different areas but individually they do not fit my needs and wants wholly.

 

My boyfriend is the more sensible and practical option and John is the more fleeting love story type of option, but he is also sensible too and could make me very happy. I would be anxious about being open about our relationship due to the age gap.

 

How can i not want to be with someone who gives me the world and adores me, is something wrong with me? Do i deserve either of them?

I was an the older guy dating a younger girl who had a boyfriend at the time. She was really hot so I couldn't resist. She made it seem like they were on their way out. I never once asked her, or pressured her to give me an answer on leaving her boyfriend, she would always bring it up. And every time she would get close to leaving him, she'd get cold with me, and then go back to "I do love him and he treats me really well, and we have so much history", which I would accept and leave it. She would eventually hit me up within a week or two and we'd start going again. This went on for about 3 years. And then what changed? He bought a house. For the both of them.

Which she wanted. After that she couldn't risk screwing that up.

 

The reason I'm telling you this is, don't be a jerk. You're being selfish and trying to have your cake and eat it too. You don't love your boyfriend. You're cheating on him. It's crappy to do to him, and it's crappy to do to the new guy too. Because you know you'll never commit to him. Because even though you may not be horny for your boyfriend, you're getting something out of staying with him. That's why you can't leave him. But what you should really do is give him the choice. Because right now even though he should suspect that you're cheating on him, (not sleeping with him) you haven't come out and been honest.

 

Honestly, you should cut your ties with both and be single for a while.

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She was really hot so I couldn't resist.

 

You can resist. Try to be a better man and not a home wrecker. Also try to reason that if she is someone who will cheat, she's not a very moral woman.

 

I seriously wonder how people justify what they do sometimes. I'm sorry, I try hard not to judge, but you are sleeping with another mans woman and you are okay with it because "you can't resist"? Wow.

 

Consider if you were the boyfriend. Having a bit of fun that could potentially destroy someone else, just is not worth it.

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Of course John is not putting pressure on you to leave your bf. He doesn’t want you to!

He is getting off with a girl nearly half his age and living a bachelor life.

John is happy!!! Very happy! Lol

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It is, frankly, disgusting that you are using your BF for a home purchase, financially generally, when you are banging some one else in addition to him.

 

You need to let your BF know what he faces with you.

 

Get out of that home purchase with the BF, end your "relationship" with him. But along the way get tested for STDs and share the results with him.

 

Do NOT abuse him any more than you already have. Do NOT get pregnant either.

 

Move on from both men. But you owe your BF decency.

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