Would you accept this? Too ill to see me but has dinner with ex girlfriend

[Hollyj]

I spent the weekend in another city helping a girlfriend through a difficult time. He knew this.

 

On Friday he was looking through old photos because he has to do a brief presentation about his life history at work. I was on the train and asked him to send me his favourite photo. He sends me a photo of him and his ex-girlfriend in Portugal. Apparently he thought it would be funny because my Mom now lives there.

 

On Sunday I'm coming back on the train to London and he texts saying "I’d love to see you tonight but my cough isn’t fully gone. I didn’t have any issues with it last night but I am worried it might flare up again and keep you awake".

 

He does this all the time, says he wants to see me but already includes excuses at to why he might not be able too. Anyway, I told him that he should stay home, get some rest and hopefully cure that cough.

 

I called him when I got home and I found out he had just been out for dinner with his ex-girlfriend. The same one from the picture. They're friends. I then said, "oh cool, so you're ok enough to come over to mine?" And he said "no, I don't really want to catch anymore cold air. I think I should stay in".

 

Is this normal/nice behaviour? Would you accept it? Also, we have only been dating for 8-9 months!

 

Also, we're going to Mexico on Saturday for 2 weeks. What do I do? Do I go? Do I dump him? The trip cost so much money ...

 

I would dump his azz. The fact that he went out, after he told you that he could not see you, is awful. It is even worse that he went out with his ex. She takes priority over you.. Honey, he does value you or the relationship.

 

I would cancel. I would not care about the cost. What are the terms for the air ticket and hotels?

[indea08]

I would grab a girlfriend and go to Mexico and have a great time without his cheating a$$.

[Hollyj]

I see it as level the playing field. And teaching a lesson.

What are the other options, let's see:

 

1) she cancels the holidays and her BF takes his ex instead, ouch! Plus, she would lose a good amount of money-2 weeks in Mexico from the UK, must be pricey

2) she calls him on his BS, he becomes defensive, she overreacts and loses all dignity-not nice either;

3) she sweeps the incident under the rug and continues to act like the cool girlfriend-result: he pushes the envelope further and then next holidays they go the 3 of them-"her"BF, his ex and him! Lol, another ouch.

 

She has to put her foot down and inflict some ego demage if this man-boy is about to come to his senses. Like they say "with the roses, be a rose; with the throns-be a thorn."

 

Why even bother. This would show a lack of self respect and too much emotional involvement. The adult thing would be to move on.

 

She loses her "dignity" if she follows your plan.

[katrina1980]

Why even bother. This would show a lack of self respect and too much emotional involvement. The adult thing would be to move on.

 

She loses her "dignity" if she follows your plan.

 

I agree Holls. There is no bringing such person to his "senses."

 

That's her playing mom, which is not conducive to anything even remotely resembling a healthy dynamic.

 

Just move on, the end.

[LC8328]

I see it as level the playing field. And teaching a lesson.

What are the other options, let's see:

 

1) she cancels the holidays and her BF takes his ex instead, ouch! Plus, she would lose a good amount of money-2 weeks in Mexico from the UK, must be pricey

2) she calls him on his BS, he becomes defensive, she overreacts and loses all dignity-not nice either;

3) she sweeps the incident under the rug and continues to act like the cool girlfriend-result: he pushes the envelope further and then next holidays they go the 3 of them-"her"BF, his ex and him! Lol, another ouch.

 

She has to put her foot down and inflict some ego demage if this man-boy is about to come to his senses. Like they say "with the roses, be a rose; with the throns-be a thorn."

 

Uh, wow. OK.

 

Hey OP, LHGirl has given you the soundest advice in my opinion. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Leave that messy drama behind and put up some walls between you and him. Don't play his games and move on to better things and better people. Sorry this happened to you. Good luck.

[HeartGoesOn]

Rather than provide him with undeserved attention, I'd take the high road and leave him and his shenanigans in the dust. Respecting yourself does wonders for your self-esteem.

[boltnrun]

How could you possibly enjoy sex with a man who is very possibly having sex with his ex? Who is into double dipping? Not me.

 

OP, did you pay for your share of the trip? If so, you can reschedule it and go with a friend, your mom or your sister instead.

[Annia]

This is playing games and unlikely to help the OP get past a hurtful experience.

 

I wouldn't waste time either on games and making a scene either. People usually care less and than we think they do, meaning that the boyfriend would probably not be that affected, if he's already showing signs that he doesn't respect his relationship with the OP and non bothered sending pics of the ex to her and ditching her to be with the ex.

[Annia]

I see it as level the playing field. And teaching a lesson.

What are the other options, let's see:

 

1) she cancels the holidays and her BF takes his ex instead, ouch! Plus, she would lose a good amount of money-2 weeks in Mexico from the UK, must be pricey

2) she calls him on his BS, he becomes defensive, she overreacts and loses all dignity-not nice either;

3) she sweeps the incident under the rug and continues to act like the cool girlfriend-result: he pushes the envelope further and then next holidays they go the 3 of them-"her"BF, his ex and him! Lol, another ouch.

 

She has to put her foot down and inflict some ego demage if this man-boy is about to come to his senses. Like they say "with the roses, be a rose; with the throns-be a thorn."

 

But why does the OP need to teach him a lesson? Why is it on her to teach him a lesson he should already know if he respected the relationship? Why should she be wasting her time and energy trying teach him a lesson? These types of "playing field" most usually back fire. He doesn't deserve such level of attention (yes, games of pretending not to care are still giving attention to the person) and for her to go that far. So what if he takes the ex instead or whatever? He's already meeting the ex and ditching her for the ex! Let him run to the ex if he wants, the OP deserves better!

 

PS: does anyone remember that scene in Sex and the City where Samantha meets her ex pretending it to be a date and throwing a dirty martini at his face saying "dirty martini, dirty bastard!" and then leaving like a queen? This is all very funny and nice on fiction shows and films and I've imagined myself doing this as a fantasy, but in real life? Dump people who don't respect and don't give them more time and attention. Don't waste time trying to teach people what they should already know by now, or what they actually know but don't care to apply.

[SherrySher]

How could you possibly enjoy sex with a man who is very possibly having sex with his ex? Who is into double dipping? Not me.

 

My thoughts exactly, eww.

 

Even if he wasn't sleeping with the ex, the fact that he's messing about, lying and disrespecting OP's feelings makes him far from attractive and not someone you'd want to sleep with again. What in the heck goes through people's heads?

[katrina1980]

My thoughts exactly, eww.

 

Even if he wasn't sleeping with the ex, the fact that he's messing about, lying and disrespecting OP's feelings makes him far from attractive and not someone you'd want to sleep with again. What in the heck goes through people's heads?

 

Agree 100%.

 

To add, no disrespect to other's opinions advising to go, have hot sex, spicy tacos, but gotta admit I felt a bit sick to my stomach after reading that.

 

Like what? That's like rewarding him for shyt behavior while disrespecting yourself.

 

If me, I wouldn't want him so much as touching me ever again, let alone having sex! Ick.

 

I know ghosting is frowned upon, but if there was ever good reason to simply ghost someone, this is it!!

 

I would be gone, done, the end.

[reinventmyself]

I would grab a girlfriend and go to Mexico and have a great time without his cheating a$$.

This ^^

He's behaving badly, pushing you to break up with him.

[East4]

Well, it's easy to say "do not go" when the money is not coming out from one's bank account. 2 week holidays to the other end of the world, easily costs above 1500$.

 

If everyone here advising OP to cancel, had to put 50$ to back up their advice, then I bet another 100$, that a few people here would keep their opinion. As I said it is easy to advise when it is not your money that will be squandered.

 

If possible to take a friend, or family member, yes great. Then are there many people who would be free on a moment notice and able to pay a hefty amount-im not so sure.

So, actually OP is left with 2 options:

Cancel and lose the money, just for the sake of being the bigger person. Well, you know there are 2 type of people-the ones who prefer a dead lion, and the second type who prefer the live dog. It is noble to be a lion, and to cancel holidays with a jerk, but in the end the lion is dead, I.e. useless and the money is gone with no holidays.

Or else, the dog, that is not the most noble of animals but is alive.

So, which one is better? It is a personal choice.

Again, it is easy to advise in a favor of 'dead lion', when it is not your bank account.

My advice could be summarized as 'go there, enjoy it, as a SINGLE woman, because you owe no respect to a man ,who does not respect you'.

I agree after having read other opinions,that actually vengeance would bind OP to this jerk-guy.

As for playing games,I think OP's bf is doing it to her, actually he is rubbing it in her face that he is with his ex-pictures, dinners-just that he is not a man to spell it out clearly. You know some men have this underhanded way of pushing their GFs to break up with them, by treating them horribly. This is what is happening here. The guy is wanting out,but too coward to say it.

[Hollyj]

Well, it's easy to say "do not go" when the money is not coming out from one's bank account. 2 week holidays to the other end of the world, easily costs above 1500$.

 

If everyone here advising OP to cancel, had to put 50$ to back up their advice, then I bet another 100$, that a few people here would keep their opinion. As I said it is easy to advise when it is not your money that will be squandered.

 

If possible to take a friend, or family member, yes great. Then are there many people who would be free on a moment notice and able to pay a hefty amount-im not so sure.

So, actually OP is left with 2 options:

Cancel and lose the money, just for the sake of being the bigger person. Well, you know there are 2 type of people-the ones who prefer a dead lion, and the second type who prefer the live dog. It is noble to be a lion, and to cancel holidays with a jerk, but in the end the lion is dead, I.e. useless and the money is gone with no holidays.

Or else, the dog, that is not the most noble of animals but is alive.

So, which one is better? It is a personal choice.

Again, it is easy to advise in a favor of 'dead lion', when it is not your bank account.

My advice could be summarized as 'go there, enjoy it, as a SINGLE woman, because you owe no respect to a man ,who does not respect you'.

I agree after having read other opinions,that actually vengeance would bind OP to this jerk-guy.

As for playing games,I think OP's bf is doing it to her, actually he is rubbing it in her face that he is with his ex-pictures, dinners-just that he is not a man to spell it out clearly. You know some men have this underhanded way of pushing their GFs to break up with them, by treating them horribly. This is what is happening here. The guy is wanting out,but too coward to say it.

If she goes on the trip, she will have a terrible time. I would rather lose the money, or see if I could get a future credit. The hotels should not be an issue, and she might get away with a cancel fee with an airline. No big deal. I would rather do that.

 

These other people would have to buy a last minute ticket. Unlikely to be available and probably quite costly.

 

Don't know about all of your animal talk!

[Starlight925]

Again, it is easy to advise in a favor of 'dead lion', when it is not your bank account.

My advice could be summarized as 'go there, enjoy it, as a SINGLE woman, because you owe no respect to a man ,who does not respect you'.

 

I had a bad situation (my responsibility, I got into/stayed in a situation I shouldn't have), and I spent close to $5000 getting out. I could have stayed and kept the money, or left without the money, or left and fought for the money. I chose to just leave, and to walk away $5000 poorer, just to close the situation out. So I am advising her "from my own bank account", as you put it.

 

I think your second sentence makes the most sense: go and enjoy, as a single woman, hopefully taking a friend.

 

In 1999, I had a heartbreaking breakup, weeks before a company-won, fully paid trip for two, to France. Go alone? Don't go at all? Or call a friend and ask her to get her passport, stat! I did the call-a-friend thing, and to this day, she brings this up to me constantly. How wonderful a time we had, and how appreciative she still is.

[katrina1980]

Yeah if you can use your portion of the money and take a friend, do that!!

 

But going with "him" as a single woman?

 

Well that's just not very realistic imo and don't think that's even possible.

 

In response to "easy for you to say when it's not your money."

 

Yes it's easy for me to say but not because it's not my money, but because the sight of him would make me want to vomit and the thought of him ever touching me again would repulse me.

[Hollyj]

yeah if you can use your portion of the money and take a friend, do that!!

 

But going with "him" as a single woman?

 

Well that's just not very realistic imo and don't think that's even possible.

 

In response to "easy for you to say when it's not your money."

 

yes it's easy for me to say but not because it's not my money, but because the sight of him would make me want to vomit and the thought of him ever touching me again would repulse me.

 

lol..........

 

Self worth and peace are more important than money in most cases.

[Annia]

The ideal would be if she could go WITHOUT him and enjoy the trip, but I agree that going with him... and I'm supposing they booked a couples room for both, so how would that work?

 

I hope she can solve this the best and healthier way for her.

[Honeycomb8]

Go on the trip but emotionally distance yourself. The relationship is over.

[nadineblack]

I'm going to leave him before Mexico. I can't do 2 weeks on another continent with him.

[nadineblack]

Thank you everyone so much for your advice and support!

[Wiseman2]

You are smart to do this and know that. He's being a jerk and doesn't deserve your company on this trip...or at all.

I'm going to leave him before Mexico. I can't do 2 weeks on another continent with him.

[Annia]

I'm going to leave him before Mexico. I can't do 2 weeks on another continent with him.

 

I think you've made the right decision. I'm very sorry you're going through this.

[Jibralta]

I'm going to leave him before Mexico. I can't do 2 weeks on another continent with him.

 

I hope you go and have fun without him! Or don't go, and just have fun!

[Hollyj]

I'm going to leave him before Mexico. I can't do 2 weeks on another continent with him.

 

Great decision!