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Everything posted by indea08

  1. You’re not being selfish, the reason you feel the way you feel is because this is not the right situation for you. Your mental health is as delicate as your physical health, and we all need certain things to be mentally healthy. For example, I need alone time, free time to spend with my family, to feel like I’m doing well at work, to be outdoors. If I don’t have enough alone time, I start feeling grouchy. If I were to let that go on for weeks, I would feel depressed too. Try to put the specific tasks on your boyfriend’s plate out of your mind, and just focus on what you’re getting (or lacking). Daily texts, calls every few days, monthly visits, etc. THAT is what is not working for you, and your boyfriend doesn’t have anymore of himself to give right now. That’s when you have to make a tough decision that while he’s great, he’s just not right for you right now. I know it’s hard to walk away when no ones done anything wrong, but that’s a skill that is necessary to get you to a life where you can be completely happy. It’s tough but worth it.
  2. I agree with the others that if she’s not able to make the choice to discuss her issues with you for the good of the relationship, then there’s something more going on here. My first thought is to wonder if she’s on a hormonal birth control (the pill, the shot, the implant, Nuva Ring, etc). Some of those can really mess with you mentally. I speak from experience. They made me cry at the drop of a hat, and I didn’t want to talk about it because I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t know why I felt the way I did, but I just felt annoyed at anything and everything. Once I realized what it was, I stopped the birth control and I was finally me again. Beyond that, you’re completely within reason to let her know that you don’t know what to do when this happens, but you need some sort of agreement that works for BOTH of you. Just accepting what she needs is nice of you, but not the way to build a strong relationship. Ultimately, it will lead to your feeling shut out, which is what brought you here. Communicate and compromise, both of you. Not only in this circumstance, but all of those you will encounter in the future. Good luck!
  3. If this is the case, maybe it’s more the “hens” who are taking advantage of you than it is the bride. You don’t know these women, feel free to set your limits wherever you see fit. “Look, I’ll buy X and Y but I’m not here to foot 1/3 or more of the bill. I’m happy to help to an extent, but that’s it.” Period. No further explanation needed. Stay in line with your own goals and only give as much as you’re comfortable with.
  4. This is exactly what I was going to say. Think about it, without you, it would literally be her and Viv going to dinner and an arcade bar. Doesn’t sound like much of a night. I personally probably would have declined all of this, but you seem to have a relatively positive outlook about it. You said you feel that it’s nice to be included, and invited to the wedding, so if you feel like putting forth this effort and money, then I’d say just ignore Viv’s attitude, try and have a great time for one night, and then afterward you don’t ever have to talk to Viv. If you don’t feel like putting forth the money and effort, then bow out now to give her time to find someone else. I don’t think there would be anything wrong with that, as it’s pretty clear that you really were invited to help plan and pay.
  5. If a man treats you right, you would not feel this way, you’d feel loved and cherished. if you tell a man that loves you that his actions feel inappropriate, he apologizes and makes changes, he doesn’t tell you you’re wrong for feeing how you feel. That’s gaslighting. I would let this guy go. He doesn’t seem to be healthy committed relationship material.
  6. I think this post is way too vague to give you any sound advice other than, try to find a way to stay neutral and uninvolved. Here are my thoughts: -The drug related stuff…unless they are dealing, leaving a home due to drug gangs related to weed doesn’t make sense. If they don’t have much money, they can’t be buying much weed. And no one is going to front them enough weed with no payment for gangs to become involved. This all just doesn’t add up. If they are adults, and mom knows they smoke, and still chose to let them come stay, and they don’t smoke in her house…I really don’t know what the issue is there?? You can’t invite a smoker into your home and then complain when they smoke outside your home. -The boyfriend “”lost it” & blew his top”…again, pretty vague. We don’t know your fiancé nor the boyfriend so it’s hard to place blame at all here. We all lose it sometimes, we’re human, and this is a lot of people under one roof. Friction is likely, but again, mom agreed to this situation so now she has to navigate it. Maybe you could help us get a more clear picture of mom/fiancé’s and boyfriend’s personalities? Overall this just sounds like not the best situation for everyone involved, so instead of pointing fingers and blame shifting, why not sit down with boyfriend and daughter and help them make a real plan for becoming independent?
  7. I think you should first try to hear his concerns. Do you think you handle stress well? Do you think there’s a possibility of this job making you feel overly stressed? What caused your depression in the first place? Are you aware that if you are overly stressed or depressed, that also affects him? Can you understand at all where he’s coming from? Is he right to be concerned? Once you’ve answered those questions for yourself, then start thinking about your next steps. Can you put a plan in place to prevent you from feeling overly stressed? Can you make an agreement not to bring your stress home? Do you have a few methods that help you deal with stress? How can you prevent your own stress from encroaching upon your relationship? Now you can start thinking about specific ways your boyfriend can voice his concerns to you without making you feel like he doesn’t support you. Can you give him some suggestions about how he can support you in taking a risk, but still be able to be honest about his concerns? What things do you need from him to feel supported? Can you be open to hearing his concerns without feeling defensive? You both have very valid feelings, but you both need to try to understand the other’s feelings as well, and then find a way forward together.
  8. I can sort of see how your parents might feel a certain way with their grandchildren being raised so different from how they were raised. Not that it’s okay, but I’m from a very small town in the Midwest of the United States. If my daughter were to grow up and want to raise her family in LA or New York, I can see how I would feel sad for my grandchildren for missing out on the type of childhood I had, which included camping and four wheelers, fishing, boating, etc. I would also wonder how I’m going to relate and be close with them when they have such a different lifestyle than me. Again, that doesn’t make it okay to guilt you for raising your children your own way, just an example of how they might feel. As far as comparing, listen, babies learn new skills at all different rates. I’m sure you know that. Some kiddos can walk at 8 months but don’t crawl, and some kiddos prefer to crawl until they’re a year and a half old. Every baby is different, but they all learn in their own time. I don’t know a lot about Asian culture, but I would suggest having a conversation with your parents about how their comments make you feel. Tell them you want to feel confident and supported in however you choose to raise your children. I know it will be a difficult conversation to have, but saying nothing and letting your feelings and resentment fester will be much more difficult. Just say to them, “when you said XXXX the other day, it made me feel like you think I’m not doing a good job as their mother. As my parents, your opinion really matters to me. I want to feel supported in the way I raise my children, and right now I just feel judged.” You may find that they have suggestions that might be great for your children, and some that you don’t agree with, and that’s okay! They can love the way you do one thing and hate how you do another thing, but the point is that they support you and know you want the best for your babies. I’m sure they want the best for your babies too, they just have to understand that you have to prepare your kids for the world they’re going to grow up and live in, not for the world your parents grew up in. If you love your kids with all your heart, and want the best for them, then you’re a good mom. All we can do is our best, and some days are better than others, but you’re still a good mom. ♥️
  9. This is something you really can’t compromise on. If he doesn’t want to have kids, being forced to have them will make him resent you and likely the child as well. If you want to have kids, being forced to not have them will make you resent your husband. I think you probably know you should’ve taken this topic more seriously early on, but what’s done is done. If it were me, I’d separate, probably even divorce. I’d have my child(ren), see where life takes us, and maybe reach out to the (ex)husband in the future to see if there are any possibilities. There is no “right” or easy way forward. You just have to do what feels best, and will leave you both with the least amount of regret. Try to be understanding with each other, as neither of you are wrong and there’s no one to blame.
  10. C’mon man. Tough love is an excellent resource in some situations, but not this one. She’s made the choice to leave, leaving will be very hard, so let’s try to help her through it, not scold her for not having done it already. OP, the first step is the hardest. Now just keeping taking steps forward, one foot in front of the other, and don’t look back. YOU CAN DO THIS.
  11. You can do this. Being able to make the decision to leave and stand firm with it is the hardest part. You’ve done that. When this gets hard and you feel unsure, remember why you’re doing this. Visualize yourself free and happy without him every single day until it’s reality. Who have you called for help? You don’t have to do this alone. There are many services that exist for situations exactly like this, because it is really hard. Reach out to someone and see how much you can gain from their assistance. Saving up to afford a lawyer sounds pretty daunting and overwhelming, as they’re expensive. There are people who will make it much less overwhelming if you let them. Call for help. You can do this. You have to do this. God is with you, and He will help as well if you let Him.
  12. Hey guys, what is that “solution” thing? That’s new to me.
  13. You need to take care of your daughter and listen to her. That is your responsibility as her mother.
  14. I agree with MissCanuck. I would read her message, smirk to myself, and then delete it and tuck my phone back into my pocket and go on with my new and improved life.
  15. It sounds like you could’ve avoided some of this by just addressing it. She had your seat positioned alone? Ask her (or someone) to scoot the table for you, or just go sit at whatever table you want. She wants to know what gift to get? Tell her specifically “it would be so appreciated if you’d get a *insert gift here* for the baby!” If she asks again? “We are really hoping you’ll get the *same gift* we asked you for!” I completely appreciate that you want to keep the peace, she’s your baby’s gramma and you should...but at the same time I can tell you I’ve never had an issue with these kinds of people because I am strong, direct, and not someone they can push around, so they don’t even try. You should also know though that I am not one to care if they have bad things to say about me, that’s their drama to deal with, not mine. So take whichever approach you feel is best!! How does your husband deal With her? How does he help you deal with her?
  16. You have no idea if he’s paying them, you have no idea what his rationale is, and perhaps his expectations for them are different for whatever reason. Your boss is not being unreasonable with you and you stomping your feet saying “but you let them do it!” makes you look very unprofessional, not to mention your teammates won’t like having been thrown under the bus by the new kid who’s been there for five minutes. If you want fair and you want to make the decisions, start working on a plan to be your own boss.
  17. I do agree with some of this, but I still have to kind of defend the guy. I’ve been through a few different breakups where I can see how I acted similar to him. It wasn’t because I was trying to be selfish or malicious, I was genuinely in a bad state of mind and was trying to figure out what the right path was for me. I said how I truly felt in all situations, which meant maybe telling someone I loved them while having interest in others as well. I also have been in relationships where there was too much control, and I never understood why he was upset about the things he was upset about, so it was impossible for me to avoid his next complaint. That will push you into all kinds of toxic behavior. Ultimately OP, if you want to see him as a man child and force him to “prove” anything to you, you should break up. If you want to stay together, you should start with your own behavior and start offering the benefit of the doubt. I was able to grow through all of my bad experiences to become a pretty d*mn good wife, my husband would say the same. ETA: The same is true for him! He’s even said “I really could’ve been a better boyfriend to a lot of girls.” We learned together how to be secure, supportive, and most importantly: understanding. I know you guys can too if you’re willing to change the way you judge each other.
  18. I also agree with Dancing Fool. Imagine being the manager and having to run the department when you’ve got employees who are maybe able to work today?? Frustrating. And everyone will have their explanation or excuse, but I’ve got a department to run. So let him tell you the expectation (he said let’s talk later), and then just follow it. He is this boss, he’s been hired to run the department and has to meet his boss’ expectations, just as he has expectations that he’s hired you to meet.
  19. YES. The only person who can stop you from being happy is YOU. My momma hates that I take risks, but I feel so alive doing things like hiking mountains, sky diving, or even just traveling outside of the US. I need those things to feel like I’ve made the most of my life. At the end of the road, I’m the one that has to live with whatever regret I might have, so I’m determined to have the smallest amount possible. Zero regret would be ideal.
  20. No, you’re not being selfish or mean at all. I think people who try to pressure you or force you to live a way in which you are unhappy, are the mean and selfish people. We are meant to live our lives in pursuit of happiness. Imagine yourself on your deathbed, looking back at your life and all your experiences. What regrets do you think you’ll have? What are the highlights? If you could rewrite the whole story, what would you have written? Use your life to reach your full potential, whatever that means to you. If everyone gave themselves permission to live that way, this world would be so much better off. It might not always be easy, and sometimes you’ll find you value something more (or less) than you realized, but you deserve the opportunity to live the life you want. We all do.
  21. Alright, so I’m just going to be straight with you, you’re likely not going to like what I have to say, and that’s okay, but I hope you’ll try to consider these points. First and foremost, you cannot keep telling yourself he is a man-child. How disrespected do you think he’d feel if he knew that’s how you see him? If that’s your perception of him, that will come across to him. Whether it’s in your tone of voice, your facial expressions, or your statements, he will feel your condescending attitude and it will further aggravate the situation. Why would I work to change myself to meet standards of someone who thinks I’m a child, and makes me feel like one? I wouldn’t. Second, I do think you are way, WAY over the top with your need for him to check in with you. You aren’t his keeper, he needs to be able to just live. You are supposed to add value to his life, not monitor his activity. When you gripe at him for taking some time to himself and not responding to you within one hour, of course he’s going to feel like he’s never good enough. You’re not leaving him any room to just be himself. He’s not you, he doesn’t have the same thoughts as you, he isn’t wired the same way you are, and that’s part of his beauty. That’s part of him being a unique individual, part of who he is. Either you learn to love the person that he is without your intrusion, or you let him find someone who can. It’s like that analogy, when you see a beautiful flower, admire it without picking it, for once you pick it, it ceases to be what you admired. Finally, him having seen other girls. Okay, I get why y’all want to drag him through the mud for telling OP he loves her while seeing other girls. But again, the guy is human. He was hurt by the breakup and trying to move on. Confused by his feelings, I’m sure, and just trying to figure out what to do. I can’t condemn him for not being a perfect gentleman during that time. I’ve handled a few of my breakups far worse, but I ultimately found new partners who were supportive about it and helped me find my way forward, allowing me to feel confident in closing one chapter and starting a new one. PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SCREW UP. You should expect that, because no one is perfect. If you want a happy relationship, be the soft spot where he can fall short every now and then without being made to feel bad about it. I promise you, there will be days where you will fall short and will be so grateful he was understanding about it. This is a balance of course, and you have to establish where the line is that can’t be crossed. But if taking an hour after a long day to relax on your own is crossing your line, you really need to look at where you’ve drawn the line. There are so many serious and heart breaking things happening in the world, so to get yourself so worked up over something so small is so self-damaging, not to mention lethal to your relationship.
  22. I am so saddened by how many of you feel off put (someone said “like a star on a freak show”) by simple questions or statements. People don’t know what they don’t know, and will likely continue to do these same things unless you tell them how they’ve made you feel. I lead a pretty textbook “normal” life. I wanted marriage, I wanted kids, I bought a house, now I’m working on the American dream...and I would hope to God that if I said or asked something that came off the wrong way, they’d tell me. I ask a lot of questions, I like to hear alternative perspectives and learn about others’ experiences. That’s how you learn and grow, relate and make friends, and it sucks to think that taking a genuine interest in someone may have left them feeling invaded. We don’t know unless you tell us and believe me, we’d feel terrible if we knew we did it. Don’t let us keep doing it, educate us. To your point, OP, I think you can answer however you want. Do you think if you started being honest it might help you feel more comfortable with the truth? I mean something simple and vague like “I’m not really close with my family and don’t really like to talk about them”. I only ask because you don’t deserve to have to carry it around like it’s a big embarrassing secret. That must be so heavy. It’s part of your life, part of who you are, and you deserve to be proud of who you are. I’m confident that if you do decide to own it, you’ll find others respond with understanding and compassion. The others above are right when they say there are MANY families with dynamics that you know nothing about unless you’re involved. I’m so sorry for how your parents and brother treated you, I can’t even imagine. I hope you know that their behavior is a reflection of them, not you. You could’ve been an angel child from God, but if that’s the kind of people they are, that’s the way they will act regardless. You be you. I’m proud of you for having the strength to walk away. I hope you recognize how big of an accomplishment that is. Now use that strength to love yourself, and pursue your own happiness.
  23. I don’t think you should’ve apologized in the first place, they’re completely out of line. Post whatever you like to your social media, share all the cuteness of the sweet little baby. They grow so fast and it’s such a sweet reminder to see those early pictures pop up in my memories years later. Don’t feel bad, you’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t let them make you feel like you did.
  24. I agree with this as well. Make backup plans and when he leaves you waiting, go on about your life with other friends.
  25. I think was maybe just a wrong situation..I’m not thrilled with how your friend acted towards this guy, but at the same time, she really was in an odd position. For example, I am a very direct and bold personality, where some of my friends are not. If they invited me on a date with them for safety and support, it would be very difficult for me to try to become more of the background. I think I’d be more appropriate than your friend was, but conversation comes easily for me and I can see how I would not be the best choice for a wing woman. So, you’ve learned from this experience, and hopefully you won’t put yourself or your friend in this situation again. Whether that means choosing a different friend, dating men you know in real life, or addressing your anxiety and dating solo...there’s a different and better solution for you.
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