Xandra
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Everything posted by Xandra
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You should not tolerate being lied to and cheated on. There is NO excuse for that type of behaviour repeating - one time can usually be worked out, but several? Don't even give him a chance to let it happen again, and trust me, it will. Any person who will cheat several times on their spouse will either move on to another person and continue the same type of behaviour, or if they are allowed by their spouse, will continue with that person. Men/ women who cheat constantly do it because THEY KNOW THEY CAN. You said he has no respect for you anymore. Why? That makes NO sense to me ... if I felt like I wasn't being respected, I would be out of that relationship faster than anything. If you let this man get away with flagrant and continual infidelity, he WILL continue to do it.
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So you asked him and he is gay? Ouch!! Well at least you can explain why he was so angry all the time. He was probably hating himself on the inside, knowing he's gay and that he's lying to himself. Take it as an experience - something that has NOT been your fault, and move on. It can be something you can laugh about down the road hopefully!
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Yeah that's a very strange situation. I doubt you guys are EVER going to have a normal, healthy relationship while she's still living with the ex. It's weird, I couldn't do things that way! You're obviously very strong and you love and trust her, so she's worth sticking it out for.
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Yeah I agree with the other posters. You sound extremely young. You should probably be on birth control, have yourself tested for STDS if you are going to be sexually active. Nobody can tell you to not have sex, especially if you're 17 or something. If you're going to do it, make sure that you do it right; use condoms, get the pill and make sure that you don't let a guy talk you into having sex without either. You should be single. You do not love your boyfriend, love does not include flat-out cheating on someone twice and continually lying. Be young and free!
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Hey Firefly ... I don't feel like there is enough information for me to determine whether or not you have a reason to suspect cheating. What type of "compromising situations" has he been in? I only ask because there are times that a guy is just being a guy (that will never change either), and then there are situations which are totally inappropriate that he should never be into in the first place, given that he is committed to someone (ie. sneaking away to spend time with another girl and not telling you or omitting details, going out with a woman who is clearly interested in him as more than a friend, etc., etc.). The mistake a lot of women make (myself included), is that even before the poor guy has done anything wrong, we already think he's cruising for something else, which 8 times out of 10 is never the case. I've found that guys don't choose to settle down into a relationship unless they actually WANT to be off the market. Anyway, in this case I doubt you have anything to worry about right now. But, if you continue to be at him about his "cheating", analysing his actions left and right, or generally giving him a hard time about his whereabouts and whatever he does, he's eventually going to get sick of it. Any person would. Try to cut him some slack and try not to worry as much. If he is really cheating, you'll know for sure eventually. If his actions and general manner are very different than they were like 6 months ago, there is probably something to be concerned about. Being overly secretive, more irritable and less affectionate are good clues.
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You can't stick around in a loveless marriage for kids. The kids are eventually start to feel that, you're going to behave differently towards their mother, and be generally less affectionate and more irritable. Regardless of whether or not you end up with this mystery woman, if you're being adulterous and LYING all the time, everyone around you is going to start to feel that. Human beings can sense when there is a glitch in the balance of harmony in their lives. I can't think of anything more unfair to her than to stay with her and continue abusing her trust, for the sole purpose of not hurting your children. You can very much continue to be a part of their lives despite not being with their mother. Even if they do not understand at first, they WILL. The very LAST THING you should consider doing is forcing yourself to live a lie with a woman you don't love, respect or have a connection with anymore. Yes, your children are going to be hurt and confused, but if you put forth enough effort, explain, give them time and space, they WILL understand eventually. How do you think they are going to feel if you continue to be distant with mom, have unexplained irritability towards them and their mom, AND probably end up having another affair? I say these things because I know what it feels like to have a father who has left, and I have been there through the before, during, AND the after. You're probably going to get a lot of conflicting information here about what to do, but you're going to end up following your heart in the end, which is the best thing to do. You can't continue to live with their mother if you don't love her or want to be in the marriage anymore. Your children and your wife are going to hurt, this is inevitable. You coming here to seek guidence shows that you have a conscience and that you DO want to at least try to do the right thing. Believe me, staying in a marriage that doesn't make you happy or fulfill you is going to make everyone around you miserable, especially YOU.
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As I heard stated by ForAnother, I REALLY don't know how you do it. If I saw something intimate like that in my boyfriend's e-mail from another woman, I would NEVER trust him again, nor would I continue to have the same feelings for him. Things would eventually fail, no matter how hard I would try to put it behind me. I have to be honest here. I don't think it's going to work out. I know that's probably very "cut and dry", but it's true. You've said that you don't think you can trust her anymore, and that you want to be with her less and less. That's something that is probably only going to get worse with time. That is a recipe for disaster for you, which worries me a bit. Why would you want to put yourself through that? It's going to crush your self-esteem and spirit bit by bit, you're going to spend every minute that you are not together wondering where she may be, who she's with and when you ask her, you are ALWAYS going to suspect a lie unless she has solid evidence. Is that the kind of relationship you want to have? You deserve better than that. If you truly believe that she strayed emotionally because she felt either neglected or mistreated by you in some way, then that's sort of another story. Sometimes we seek outside sources of validation and acceptance when we are not getting it from the person who means the most to us. I've done that, and have sincerely regretted it and never allowed it to happen again (through communication, understanding, and tolerance). So that being said, if you guys were going through a rough patch and you genuinely feel that you were mistreating her in some way, talk it out with her. Get into her head and see what would drive her to do something like that. That will probably be the only way you will learn to re-establish trust with her again. If you feel that you can't do that or that her explanations are not based on integrity, sensibility and remorse, then it's time to move on. Find someone who you will never doubt!!
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I wouldn't worry about that, it's TOTALLY NORMAL to have little awkward silences when people feel a bit tense around each other. You're obviously a bit nervous, and she probably is too. Either that or she feels the tension from YOU and doesn't know what else to say. My advice to you would be to just ask her if she wants to hang out sometime. Just try to be confident, call her up and ask her what she's up to that weekend. Start small. Don't make any references to "a date", since you guys have lost touch so much. Every girl likes to have guy friends, especially ones who are friendly, easy to talk to, and ones who don't try to get down her pants automatically. What have you got to lose? Try not to analyze every little thing about every interaction between you guys. There is NO WAY to tell whether or not she likes you or can see something romantic happening between you unless you take the next step and call her up. Say something like, "it was great to see you the other day, you look great! What are you up to this weekend? Me and some friends are going bowling/ to the game/ to a party, feel like coming along?" Or ... "it sucks that we lost contact, what are you up to this weekend?". Basically, anything that is non-romantic at first. Only after you spend some time with her will you be able to understand whether there is chemistry between you guys or not. If there is, take it from there. She's not going anywhere, so take things slow!! Women love that in the beginning! Good luck!
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Oooooooookay ... If I was you I would probably let the guy who is in jail go. You sound like you're a bit scared of being by yourself or not having that "special someone" to speak of. You have to remind yourself that you are 20, the guy you are "dating" is 40 years old and IN JAIL. What can a relationship with a convict who is 40 bring you? You are young and have a beautiful life ahead of you, you should still be able to experience things and have relationships, etc. ... don't limit yourself to a man who is old enough to be your father who is in jail for drinking and driving (which probably means he has done it several times over). Sorry if I seem abrupt here, but you deserve to be young and happy!
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Thanks for the reply Pesty. I think you're right about saying that I've "attached" myself, although I don't feel that it's only because I've become dependent on him. Haven't you ever just felt something and not understood WHY exactly? It's surprising to me because I am normally a very level-headed and objective person, but I can't make proper adult decisions when it comes to him. Ah well ... Things have gotten better, he's even asked me several times to move with him and another roommate to another apartment when the lease is up at our current place in July. Still unsure of what I want to do ... I'm actually torn between wanting to continue living with him and moving back to my hometown (I am from another province).
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Hey there, sounds like you're a bit distressed!! How old are you? I ask because it doesn't say in your profile. If you were seeing this girl for only a month, there's a pretty good chance that what you're feeling is either lust or infatuation, not love. With lust/ infatuation, your feelings will pass. Also, someone who "loves you" doesn't just dump you after a month. I would recommend taking some time out for yourself and trust me, you'll feel a lot better before you know it. Take situations like this as a learning experience! Good luck!
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The infatuation could be what keeps messing up your relationships, to be honest. I can say from personal experience, that if a guy seems "too interested" in the beginning, and if there is a lack of mystery or some essense of a challenge, it's probably not something I'll be intrigued enough to pursue. Also, I'm around your age and I find that a lot of guys your age talk too much about themselves and about SEX in particular when you go on dates with them. That's something I've NEVER been able to get used to, until I met my current boyfriend who is on the same level intellectually as I am, we share a connection mentally and are genuinely interested in what the other person has to say. It's good in the beginning to keep her guessing, don't pay ALL of your attention to her. If she feels like you're too nice or that she can "walk all over you", then sorry to tell you, but she probably will. Take things slow, be friends and call her once in a while. She'll have more time to think about you. Be friendly, joke around, and pay attention to what she has to say. Try to avoid talking about sex until you're comfortable enough to do so and feel that she is also. Don't EVER bad-mouth ex-girlfriends or other people around her. For me, these are the things that will turn me off immediately and make me re-evaluate the guy I am with: - Bad-mouthing ex-girlfriends. - Constantly making lewd, unneccessarily rude comments about others. - Non-stop talking about yourself. - Overly talking about sex. - Sexual comments about me. - Too many compliments - makes you seem insincere. - Confessing too much, too soon. - Talking about your problems. - Mentioning how you love being single, making regular comments about other girls (their appearance, eg."oh MAN she's hot!"). A good example is, "I have NO desire to settle down or commit, etc.". Believe it or not, even guys who like you will say that sometimes. - Bad manners - Being rude to waitresses, clerks, etc. - Yelling or swearing when it's not necessary. These are some of the things that even if I don't see them right away, will totally turn me off of a guy to the point that I just won't want to talk to him anymore.
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Will he really come back? Advice Please...
Xandra replied to February's topic in Getting Back Together
I really feel for your situation, I would be pretty confused if I were in your position. However, I think you're doing the right thing by approaching this with the "no-contact" method ... since he is the one who needs to get his head together, give him some space and let him figure things out. Of course you miss him, but calling him/ contacting him is only going to make things harder for you if he isn't ready to talk about things. When and if he's ready to talk, he WILL call you. -
Ok, she depends on him and feels like if she moves, she is going to lose a HUGE part of her life. After being around someone for that long, you really start to depend on them ... they become part of your soul. If you really believe that she loves YOU and wants to make a life with you, then you should probably try to establish something that will make her feel secure with you ... since the reason she hasn't moved is because she can't bare the thought of hurting this man who has been there for her for years, even though the romantic part of the relationship is over.
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You have every right to expect her to find a different living situation. Of course if you have tolerated it up until now and lead her to believe that you're okay with it, you have to explain your concerns in the most non-evasive way possible. Why the heck would she want to continue living with him? I don't get that at all. I'm sorry but if she hasn't moved yet, there's a really good chance that it's because a) she doesn't WANT to, b) she's scared of not having him around, since if she was with him for 4 years she's at least in part, dependent on him, c) she wants to have both of you in her life directly. Either way, whatever the case may be, you shouldn't have to deal with this. You have a right to express your concerns, believe me, they're legitimate!
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You seem to think that that the way things are going are YOUR FAULT. He should be spending his time making things up to you if he cheated. That's how it works if someone is actually kind enough to give you a second chance after an infidelity. I think you need to accept that there is part of you that is just NEVER going to trust him ever again. After this type of thing happens ONCE, it's always going to be on the back of your mind unless he does so much ass-kissing and explaining every little thing he does. Do you really think he's going to put forth that much effort to prove that he won't do it again? Infidelity is something that usually, one way or another, breaks people up. It's the only thing that I can vouch is totally irreversible. Stop beating yourself up for "being sensitive", it's not your fault, but it is your fault if you stick around and let it happen again. If you have doubts that he's going to do it again over time, I would say that breaking things off slowly is probably the best way to go about things. Try to get him out of your system for a while.
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I would totally sit back and relax if I were you!! I've been with the same guy for almost 9 months now whom I fight with very often!! Most of our fights are usually resolved within a few hours and we end up being closer and more affectionate towards each other than we were before. I think argument allow you to learn more about your partener. Take your little scuffles as opportunities to grow together and understand each other more.
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Do anything but ram your fingers in there, when I was younger I remember my boyfriend doing that at first. It was horrible! Like the poster above said, be gentle and don't ram!
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Actually I did casually mention it to him ... in a joking way though. Of course I am not outrageously upset about this, but when I mentioned it to him (which was on MSN also after I saw it), he was like, "oh you mean while you were in England?", I said yes, and he didn't really anything after that. And he hasn't changed it, although he hasn't updated it since November. And no, this one little thing isn't why I feel non-trusting of him. I would have to say that it's more because of the beginning of our relationship and everything said and done. To be honest I never thought things would get as far as they have with us, but there's just something about him that I can't let go. I've always been very resilient and level-headed when comes to men, thinking more with my head than my heart. I'm usually tough and know how I feel about everything all the time, but not with him, and I feel helpless because of it. I hate it. I want DESPERATELY to trust him, and to be perfectly honest, he hasn't given me any reasons NOT to trust him, except for in the first few months. The problem that I have (I think) may be that he's very insecure and I know he craves approval from others - including females. So that being said, sometimes I worry that some hotter, more articulate girl is going to temp him and he won't be able to resist because he'll love the attention too much. Ah well ... going to roll with the punches I guess!! Thanks ladies, your input is MUCH appreciated, more than you can possibly understand. I live a long way from my closest friends and family, and sometimes it's nice to have a non-biased opinion! Any other input appreciated ...
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Sometimes I feel like I am the one who holds back things in my relationship from moving forward because of my trust issues with my boy. I can't seem to trust him, no matter HOW much I try. It just seems like every time I feel likg I can trust him, something happens, he says something or I find something out that kills it. That's all it ever takes for me, I'm not a very trusting person. When we were first dating (not seriously mind you, there were no spoken comittments, although he was the one who pursued me), he used to hit on other girls and CONSTANTLY talk about them sexually or erotically in some way. I remember once just after sleeping together when he said, "do you think your friend would have a threesome with us". He would say things like that, or just constantly make comments about his past loves and flings, how he missed hanging out with this or that girl, how hot she was, etc., etc. Whatever, it's in the past right? Since then he's told me 1000 times that he only wants to be with me, tells me that there is nobody that he would rather spend time with, etc. The other day, I checked his MSN profile while we were chatting (not snooping or anything, I was at work and thought I would check it to see what he had down). He hasn't disclosed his marital status. He's filled out EVERY other field (with mostly funny stuff), but left that as "undisclosed". He last updated it while I was in England in November (we had been dating for 6 months at that point and were inseperable) I think I must either be dating a guy who is eventually going to prove to me that I shouldn't have trusted him in the first place, or I am obviously reading too much into this. We spend 90% of our free time together, he's told me that he doesn't want anyone else or any other type of girl and that he feels "lucky to have me". He usually says things like this after he's been drinking though. He's told me that he used to talk and act the way he did in the beginning because he didn't think I would be interested in him anyway (I was dating someone else when we were first friends). I can't help but think about everything that he's said and done ... I just can't bring myself to trust him, no matter how much I try to convince myself that I should. Sometimes I think it's intuition that I feel this way, and have actually considered just breaking it off because it almost seems like more pain than it's worth. I love this man, more than ever actually, but I need to believe that I may trust him one day. Am I just paranoid or something?
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It sounds like she's a woman who is sick of playing games, to be quite honest. You seem to think that she is playing games with you, but I really feel that it may be just the opposite for her. If she's 27, then she's probably looking for someone who she feels is secure and comfortable with their life. If she was hurt in a previous relationship, WATCH OUT. If she doesn't have enough time to heal and build up her self-esteem again, there can be no telling of how things would go with the two of you. When someone - especially women, women are always less trusting - is betrayed in a relationship by someone they thought they could trust, it is like a scar that can't be erased, no matter HOW hard we try. It sticks. If she's telling you that she needs to be with someone who is "ready to settle down and start their life", then she means it. She's tired of playing around and playing games with people, and right now she's probably not going to trust anyone until they give her a reason to. If you want to be with this woman, it's probably best if you give her some space and time to realize herself and what she wants again. Let her know (only if you truly mean it) that you will be there whenever she's ready to try loving again. Explain that you ARE ready for a serious relationship, and that you are not into game-playing or anything of the sort, it's what she needs to hear right now.
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Quite the predicament! I actually considered that with a boyfriend a long time ago ... to this day I am still not sure if he's straight, but fortunately I don't have to be the one to figure that out. It's really tough. I can't think of much worse than to feel like your partener isn't attracted to you. In your case, I really don't think this is the case. Seriously. I think your boyfriend has issues with sex. If everything else is in place, you feel loved, respected and appreciated, then I seriously doubt that he's gay. Perhaps he has issues from childhood, especially if his parents are very religious, and is pre-programmed into thinking that he shouldn't even BE having sex with you until he's either married or engaged, something written in stone. Maybe he needs to talk to someone about his issues. I've heard this is a cornerstone of helping people who have grown up with religious, overbearing parents cope with sexual issues. On the other hand, you have mentioned quite a bit about his interest in fashion, fitness, and his appearance. Most guys will NOT spend more time getting ready as you do. If he is overly-obsessive about every little thing regarding his appearance, then I would probably worry. The lighting and "atmosphere" interest worries me a bit. I've just never known straight males to be that concerned with such things, but have had many gay male friends who have LIVED for things like Feng Shui and the like. I'm sure if you asked your boyfriend if he was gay, he would probably just say no, AND feel defensive and offended. In any event, you have a serious concern and you have the right to have your concerns addressed, especially if it's affecting your life this much.
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Thanks BG ... things have gotten a bit better, but I still feel a distance between us emotionally and sexually. I'm not sure how to take that, but we have almost completely stopped arguing, so that is definitely a step forward, but it could also mean that we are both so exhausted from disputes that we don't care to do it anymore, lol!! He's always telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me, but for some reason I can never fully believe it. Intuition or something I guess!
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It doesn't list your age, how old are you? The reason I ask is because you mentioned that you lost your virginity to one another, so I am going to assume that you're both still pretty young. You sound like a genuinely good guy and don't want to hurt your girlfriend. The thing you have to understand, is that if you no longer want to be with her, and don't find her attractive anymore, then you're only making it worse by dragging things along. The longer you wait to break it off, the harder it's going to be for both people. That being said, you sound confused on one hand because you still love her. In my experience with relationships, sometimes that's just not enough. The only thing I can think of for you to give a try is to have a serious heart to heart with her. It's quite possible that she really doesn't know how torn you are inside, especially if you keep things hidden well. Tell her that you're starting to feel like she isn't always considerate of you or your feelings, and that it's starting to make you re-evaluate things. That alone is enough to make ANYONE wake up and realize that you are not there for them to take out their frustration on, and that you are NOT always going to stick around for it. It will scare her, but in a good way. Keep in mind to be gentle though, as you don't want to scare her to the point that she's even MORE clingy with you. If she's extra clingy, it's probably because she doesn't have enough of a life outside of your relationship and is almost dependent on you. I would try to encourage her to get out with her friends more, to do things she enjoys BY HERSELF. The more independent she becomes, the less dependent she's going to be on you comforting her. I hope things work out for you hun, keep us posted!
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Very complicated, makes spending time with g/f hard...
Xandra replied to fernandinaGXE's topic in Emotions and Feelings
Awww I feel for ya dood!! Sounds like you're getting kind of a raw deal here. Your friend isn't a very nice guy if he's going to bang your girlfriend, I can say that for sure!! Situations like this can take so much out of you can't they? You feel so torn in every direction; on the one hand you feel betrayed, hurt and angry. On the other hand, you are in love with a person who you KNOW isn't right for you. I'm sorry but it has to be said, she sounds like she's a bit hung up on the other guy still, especially if she is still "worried about things with him". Sometimes women want what they can't have, and I'm sure it's the same with guys. I've been there. I think you should try to cut her out of your life for a while, it's not going to be easy at all, but if you keep hanging out with her and comforting her while she's "getting over" this other experience with your friend. I don't think you guys can be dating right now with all of the confused and mixed feelings flying around. Maybe you should have a serious talk with her, let her know that you care about her and still want to remain friends, but not if she's sticking around with you because just because she wants someone around. She obviously does have feelings for you, because if she didn't she wouldn't still confide in you and spend as much time with you. That being said, she needs to get her head straightened out before she can even BEGIN to start gaining back your trust. I hope everything works out for you, I've been there and it hurts!