Hunney Pooh

Do you guys believe that someone can actually change after cheating on the partner twice? If you think he or she can change, what are the signs or actions to be observed to show that they are changing or really serious to commit in a relationship??

Dear Toni, I've been bothered by a problem for quite some time but I still can't manage to overcome it. Thank God you are here to share our problems and provide us with opinions. Let me tell you my story. It's rather long-winded and I hope that you do not mind reading it. I've been with my bf for 1 year and 1 month. We started since April 2003. January this year, I found out that he was being disloyal to me by chatting a girl through ICQ and visiting her at her house. We broke off when I discovered about it. He came back to me after a week, tried to save this relationship with lots of cryings and beggings and I finally accepted him back. My family members began to dislike him after that incident. We were quite happy at the beginning but later we started to quarrel and it happened quite regularly. We finally broke off again in April this year as a matter of miscommunication. We did not contact each other but almost after a month I texted him, giving him hint that I still want to be with him. He was very firm that he doesn't want to continue and thereforeeee, I planned to move on. He suddenly approached me again in June, telling me that he still loves me and wants to be with me again. Realizing that I still love him, I accepted him back again. 2 days after that, a friend of mine asked me out and told me that she has been going out with him for 6 weeks while we were apart and he told that girl not to let me know about this. Of course it's none of my business that he started with that girl but there was once we came out in a group for a drink and both of them were there, pretending to be just friends by not holding hands. At first my bf suggested to her that they should hold hands in front of me so that I'll lose hope but it was that girl's decision not to hold hands as she doesn't want to hurt me. While dating, he waited for that girl once for 3 hours without getting angry but when he was with me, for sure he will get mad even if he has to wait for 1/2 hour. Can you see the difference? Now that we're back together again, he tattoed my name on his back as he wants to prove to me he is sincere this time. I accepted him again because I can't stand his beggings and cryings and became soft-hearted. However, the past memories are still haunting my mind. I have tried my best not to think about it but I just can't control my mind. I really can't think of a reason to trust him again. He changed a new job that requires him to stay in another town. We meet only once a week and yet we still argue every now and then. I get mad whenever he seldom calls. Why? It's just because I'm afraid he'll be disloyal to me again as I don't know what he will be doing there because I'm not there to see. Last week, I tried to tell him that I want a break off but he said I accuse him and was cruel to leave him just like that with my name on his back. Again, I was soft-hearted and we are back together. Few days ago we quarrelled again, I slammed the phone down. Since then, he has not been calling me for 3 days. I'm taking this few days of no contact to really think about this relationship. He can promise me with anything but it does not mean that it's honest from his heart. There's no way he can be honest to me if he still does not have the intention to be honest. Toni, sorry for the long-winded story and thanks for reading. I really hope you can give me some idea as I do not know what to do with it already.

Does it take a great courage for a guy to tattoo his girlfriend's name on his body? Is it enough to prove that the guy is sincere? Does the newly made tattoo bring any meaning if that guy has cheated on his girlfriend before?

Last night, he texted me saying "Can we talk?". Only that 3 words in the text. My cousin brother (his friend too) told me that he said he wants me back but afraid that he'll have to lose his freedom again. I did not reply his text as I'm not sure what to do. I don't know whether I should have a thorough discussion with him and get back together or just ignore him. Friends say it's possible that he'll change (as in not to flirt around again) but I'm too afraid to experience that kind of worries again. Everyday I have to worry when he'll cheat on me again. To tell you guys and gals the truth, I still love him but what should I do to gain the feeling of security from him or what should he do to provide me with security so that I can trust him again? Giving him freedom is not a problem for me but I just hope that he'll not cheat me again. Now I really understand how the 'No Contact' rule really works as I've not been contacting him for more than 3 weeks. May be I'll just have to wait and see whether he has the patience and what other effort he'll put to try to gain back this relationship.

It's been 2 months....yah, it is. I think that's enough. Enough of hurts and disappointment. Thanks moneypennyxx. What you've said are very true. We've not been contacting each other since the last time I texted and I won't contact him again...not anymore. Not even if he texts me in the future. I realize that I'm feeling happy again...like I used to be before being with him. I'm not lying to myself...that's the truth. To me now, family and friends come first. It's great that I'm over it.

Dear landclark, It's really that unfair when a relationship ends. One of the party will move on better than the other one. I know how suffer you are feeling now as I've been through this for 2 months. It's really a great torture and can make me go insane. I've spent nights crying and have done a lot of stupid things. It's 2 months now, I'm feeling a lot better and that I've already accepted the fact that it has ENDED. Right now at this moment, you MUST not contact your ex. It's not for him to miss you but for yourself to recover from the wound. I know it's very hard as we tend to miss our exes but please try to do it if you want to recover. Make yourself busy. You need not go for shopping alone or exercise alone. If you have friends, invite them out. Start contacting friends that you have not been contacting for quite some time. When you are alone at home, look for things to do. Read books, newpapers, watch TV, cook your favourite food, come to this forum, call a friend up to chat.....anything..and try to pay attention to it. Hope my opinions are useful to you. I hope too that you can get better soon. Take care. Hunney

Yesterday his mum called me at my cell phone when I was on my way back from work. His mum asked what is going on between the both of us as I've not been going over to his house for almost 2 months. It was not convenient for me to talk that time so I promised to call her back at night. So, I called at night. I told his mum about the story. Later she asked about my job and told me some updates about him (his job and how is he getting on). When I was telling her about our problem, he eavesdropped our conversation from another phone and then his mum stopped him. His mum told me that he usually goes out in the weekends and stays at home in the weekdays. Whenever she asks him about me, he will just keep quiet. She told me that she is sad with his attitude and that he needs to grow up. After a while we ended the conversation. I feel bad that I called his mum without his knowledge. thereforeeee, I texted him saying that "So, you heard the conversation. I think I need to make it clear that I never intend to call your mum. I just return her call. I still need some pride for myself". I never expect a reply from him but he then replied " I did not blame you or got angry with you. I'm just frustrated with myself. I really hope that we can still be friends. Can we?". I was confused after reading it and finally I decided to accept it. Afterall, I can't hate him like that forever. However, it may be a little hard to talk when friends are around, so I thought we should start talking on the phone as friends. So I texted him "Do you dare to talk on the phone (house phone)? My cell phone has run out of credit (which is true)". No reply. I texted again "Hey, do you wanna talk? Otherwise, I'll go sleep". He replied "I talked to you tomorrow okay. Sister ask me to read the bible now (SURE OR NOT???!!). Sorry for the late reply". I replied back saying "Nevermind, tomorrow I'll be going out (which is true). Bye". It ended here. Now the thing is that I'm not sure whether I can be friends with him. Is it fair for me? Why he can just be so cool and take it so easy? I'm not sure whether I'm prepared to be his friend yet. I planned to take him as my godbrother so that I cannot have intentions towards him anymore. Should I? Is there any better idea? I don't know what to do now. 2 months of break up and become friends again? Is it too fast? Why did he sign in to my email account and check my emails last Thursday? Does a friend do that??? What's going on? I thought I'm already starting the NC rule. And here suddenly comes an interruption. What to do now?? I think I seriously need help.

Dear moneypennyxx, What you've said are true. I really gave him the opportunities to be nastier. I felt a little regret for breaking the NC rule. I know I shouldn't have contacted him at the very beginning but all I wanted to do was to save this relationship. If all I have to do was just to make that stupid call to get that relationship back, I'm most willing to do it. But anyway, at least I know I've tried my best for this relationship and I don't have anymore reasons to look back into it again in the future. That's the limit I can do and there's no way I'll do any other things to approach him again as I have already experienced how hurt it was and I know how great the pain was. I'm sure life is better for him without me and that's why he never even think of discussing anything with me. That's great and I have to learn to do that as well. These days, I've been trying to keep myself busy doing things. I've been contacting my old friends...yah..they still welcome me. I consider myself lucky. Trying to look for more activities... and the most important thing..I want to be a stronger person. Thanks for your feedback and opinions. I really appreciate that. Take care.

He met with one of my friend on Saturday afternoon and had a drink. My friend asked him what's his plan or decision on our relationship. He just said that he doesn't know and he does not want his girlfriend to control him. That night itself, we will be going to a cafe for drink and my friend invited him along. He said that he's not sure whether he'll be going because "he's afraid if we meet up, can't stand it and get back together". I don't know he is referring to me or himself. He showed up in the cafe that night. I sat at one corner and he sat at the other corner where we could hardly see each other. So we did not say hi to each other. Friends noticed that he kept on glancing at me (as in look me at a fast speed and then look somewhere else). Later he left, saying that he's going to have beer with friends. My friend later told me he has paid for my drink (only my drink and his). Why did he do that to me? Why did he keep on confusing me? In the afternoon before that night at the cafe, 2 friends suggested to me that I should invite him to discuss and sort things out. Thinking about that, I texted him after he left saying "Is there anything that we can sit down and talk? If you want, we can sort things out". He did not reply and I sent another one saying "No matter you want to talk or not, at least reply me". Again, he did not reply. I texted him for the third time saying "I know your answer, you don't need to reply". This time he replied saying "I don't want to think about anything now, my brain is very packed, please go and sleep". Oh my god!!! Who am I to him? He checked my mail and deleted a mail which was sent by a guy to me(the mail has a flower in it, I checked and marked it as unread). Three weeks ago, he asks a guy friend out (our mutual friend) for a drink and asked him how I'm doing. Why does he keep on confusing me? If he still cares, why doesn't want to discuss with me and sort things out? If he no longer cares, why does he asked about me from friends, pay for my drink and delete my mail before I see it? Can anybody wake me up? I don't want to stay in this dream. Scold me....anything...I just want to wake up. A friend of mine wants to introduce a guy to me. That guy has my cell phone number. He texts me and calls me quite often. Should I try going out with this guy for a date? But I'm clear that I still love my ex very much.

Dear Kungfumaster, I agree with richgabe, I think you still remember my case, don't you? (the topic "Until When Do I Need To Suffer"). Actually one hour after the phone conversation with my ex that night, I texted him saying that I have realised we are only meant to be friends (which is true) and wished him all the best. Now I feel so much better that instead of wanting him back, I'm taking him as a friend who I can concern for. I just feel as if I've put down all my burden and I'm no longer crying before I go to bed. He starts to forward mails to me again and I did forward back to him. Now I can see there's no "push" or "pull" situation between us. If there's any opportunity to be together again in the future, well that's destiny. Otherwise, we can at least still be friends. If you think you are prepared for the worst to happen in which she doesn't want to come back to this relationship and you are prepared to take her as your friend again, just give it a try. Please take time to think thoroughly. Good luck to you, me and all the people around.

Last night he replied my text. He thanked me for my message and told me that's he's fine. He said that he really hope that we can still remain as friends. He said that he's very drunk at that moment and living a single life bored him to death. I replied back, asking him is he ok (cause he's drunk) but there was not reply and I tried to call him but couldn't get through his cell phone. After 30 minutes I tried again and he picked up the call. I asked him whether he is ok and he said that he's alright and already sleeping. So i just ask him to rest and put down the phone. Again, I did a stupid thing by making the second call. I asked him whether he is happy with the present life compared to the time we were still together and he said he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I asked him why he just gave up like that and why he never call me. He said I never changed and still wanna blame him on things. He said he doesn't want to be controlled. I told him that he never tried to give confidence and he just said everything is his fault. I asked him did he give me any freedom while we were together and he said now both of us have our own freedom to go wherever we want. I thought I could mend back the relationship, that's why I called him. Since he said things like this, I told him im sorry and that I shouldn't have called him and then I put down the phone. Why did he tell me that he feel bored in a single life at the first place? He did mention in the conversation that he has heart pain (as in sad) but he said just let it pain. Why did he suddenly become so cold to me? Why can't we just talk and sort things out? I love him too much to throw this relationship away just like that.

I did a stupid thing last night... When I was preparing to go to bed, a friend called and we talked for about half an hour. In the conversation, she told me that few days ago, my ex text another guy friend (a friend in our group which we used to go out together when we were still together) asking him to recommend a new job to him. The stupid thing that I've done was to text him after the phone conversation. In that message, I told him that I've heard about him wanting to look for another job and I told him to let me know if there's anything I can help. I ended the message by wishing him all the best and take care. There's no respond from him and right now I'm feeling sad. Don't know why. I shouldn't have text him at the first place. I did that just because I still concern about him. I looked for trouble for myself as I begin to suffer all over again.

Dear JT, What debisfun suggested is true. It's not the right time to apologize to her yet. As I could remember, one of my ex talked to me harshly when we first broke up. I was rather upset that time but the anger did not last long. I can remember the situation but I never keep those words in my heart. Now we are friends again. Unless you want to mend back the relationship or otherwise, do not contact her at the meantime. Good luck and take care!!!

Dear TwiLight172, Let me ask you a question. Can you really forget about him cheated on you even you guys get back together one day? I know you can forgive but can you forget? I guess it's not easy as I've been through this situation before. It's a damn hard thing to try to build the trust again once it is broken. Take time to consider about it, give the answer to yourself. Try not to keep in touch with him before you have the answer. He should be the one to mend back the relationship and not you since he did something wrong. Do you think he still deserve you to love him when he, himself does not take the action to get you back but instead keep on confusing you? Try to act cool towards him for the time being and you can always take time to think how you want to reply in case he sends you email. Just let him wait a few days or even a week for your reply. All the best to you and take care!!!

Dear Ravishing, Kuhl and JT, Thanks so much to you guys!!! I really appreciate the advices and suggestions given. I have to stay strong and move on. I know I can do it but what I need most is time. As for JT, I hope you'll achieve what you are hoping for, I really hope so. You guys are too kind to console me and provide me with guides to overcome the difficulties that I'm facing right now. Wishing you guys all the best and take care!!!