Meow18

Throw them away. Do not write him a letter! Prove to him that you don't want anything to do with him by just ignoring him and acting as though you are better off without him. Because you really really are! Writing him a letter will get you no where. It will just open up contact again. And really, do you think it's going to make any difference? What he did was low.. and you deserve SO much better.

I completely understand you being upset about him going to a bar after you both had a promise that you wouldn't go without the other. That was the issue of my first post to your thread. I think agent has great advice. Just simply talk to him about this. Don't accuse him of anything because that will just shut him off. Tell him you want to talk about it and when he's ready to be open and honest about exactly what all happened, then you will listen.

I'm sorry, but 'we'?? I think that you should only be speaking for yourself and not your husband. I'm sort of confused, bars aren't like strip clubs. You don't go in hopes of having a girl be all over you. There aren't always girls just waiting for a woman-less guy to walk in so they can hit on him. Everybody I know goes because it can be a place to relax with friends and drink. What is it that you are so afraid of?

Honestly, looking at your past posts, your relationship does not seem all that healthy, or strong. There has to be a point in which you need to realize that it's not what you deserve. I mean, it's not even about her choosing not to have sex with you anymore. It's about the whole relationship. She has seemed to change a lot throughout the relationship. And what is she, 19? So it's not that abnormal as you are both still growing up and you will both change as people. The only thing about you both growing and changing is that you might not grow together. You might grow apart. And sadly, that seems to be the case.

That is kind of weird, but I wouldn't jump to any conclusions. Where did you learn they were still in contact? Maybe he's bitter at the guy, they were best friends. Maybe he was hurt about him moving away. Or maybe he misunderstood the question? Doesn't seem likely, but still a possibility.

Has she given you any reason as to why she has suddenly chosen not to have sex until marriage?

First of all, welcome to Enotalone! I'm sorry to hear what happened. It really is sad when you realize how much someone means to you when it's too late. You need to move on. You need to start no contact. Not because you don't want to be friends with him, but because you need to get over him in order for you to be happy. He has ALREADY moved on. Seriously, I don't see anything happening between the both of you, it just wasn't right. We all make mistakes. But that's just part of going through the process of finding the right person for you. What I would be worried about is if you didn't learn anything about yourself from your past relationship. But you did. You learned to be more loving and show that you care. You have grown from this experience and I would say that you now have a lot more to offer someone. I just don't think that that someone is this guy.

If he had something to hide, he wouldn't have put the bill on his card, cause of course you have access to the account and can see what he spends money on! So if he was hoping to get away with it, he was kind of stupid in that way. But it's not as though he didn't tell you after you asked him about it.

I don't see how this makes any difference. Do you think they were all sitting there flirting with every girl/guy (in the girl coworkers case..) that walked by just because the other two were single? I hate to say it but I think you need to re-examine what trusting your partner really means. Because although you say that you dont' trust what other people will do, your husband is responsible for HIS actions only. And not everybody will cheat given the chance.

Do you really think a drunk girl wouldn't hit on him just because you were there? I could understand you both not wanting the other to go to bars alone. But what about with friends? Don't you think friends would look out for him? I mean, girls aren't going to not hit on him just because you are sitting right next to him. Girls will hit on him in all sorts of places, NOT just bars. You can't be there "protecting" him from it all. It what he chooses to do with it that matters. Your husband did what he did. You can either decide now to be made at him for how ever long you think he deserves, or you can try to see his side of it. Maybe he wasn't as tired as he thought and maybe going out seemed funner than going back to the hotel room just to sleep? Whether or not you think that was what he should have done, he chose not to stay in. Honestly, I think he went to have fun with coworkers. Not to be hit on by drunk girls.

Maybe the bar was where the rest of them were going and he could either stay back alone, or go out and have fun with his friends. I think you need to talk to him more about this. You can't assume why he went, or what he did while there. These are things he needs to be honest and open about.

I have to say, I don't think of bars as a place to pick people up. That's just my opinion, but I know a lot of friends who go there just for fun and they never brought girls back to their place or anything. I'm sure after he got off the phone with you, his crew asked him to join them, and maybe he was just looking to enjoy himself? What concerns me though is that this is something you both promised to each other in the beginning. So he broke a promise to you. I think that you have a right to be hurt by that. But I also think you need to re-think this whole not going to bars without the other. If you really trust each other, can't you trust that he's only going to have fun and hang out with friends? Not to go and find other drunk women?

I don't think that she's choosing to do this because she's planning to break up with you. She would be distancing herself in other ways as well. This is a tough one because you can't force her to do something that she's decided not to do for awhile. But in my opinion, it's not fair of her. This has left you confused and you probably even feel rejected in a way. And you have no clue why she has chosen this. You need to talk to her about it and you deserve to know exactly why she is choosing to do this.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. That's got to be one of the worst feelings. But as said, you deserve better. It's good that he actually let you know what was going on because you needed to know how jerky he was. As much as it hurts right now, it's just a piece of closure. Start no contact right away. You need time to heal from the breakup, as well as hearing that he was cheating on you for so long. It won't happen over night, but I promise you, sooner or later you will feel better and you will see that he didn't deserve you anyway. Try hard to hang in there. If possible go out with friends. Keep yourself busy, but not to the point you are stressed. You just need to try to get your mind off of missing him. And you know you always have us to come to!

Gosh, this is very scary! Please let Dani know that we are all thinking about her and can't wait for her return!

Thanks, Scout! Every couple argues, or disagrees at times. So this is an interesting technique in solving conflicts. It's a great way to see the other person's side and a great step in understanding how they feel, which in my opinion is the most important thing needed to solve issues.

First of all, welcome to Enotalone! I hate to say it, but you were the "other girl". You may have always been his good friend, but they were married. You were the one who broke them up so why would you ever be mad at his ex? I think you have trust issues because you saw that he could easily cheat, so you are scared of it happening again. And I don't blame you. I agree with you though. I think he was, and still is, confused. But that wasn't an excuse for cheating on you. Or cheating on her. That was very wrong of him and could have been avoided. Honestly, I don't see this working out. Nothing you say or do will make him forget all about his love of Asia. It seems like that's something he's passoniate about, and it's not fair of you to get in the middle of that just because you are insecure. And the porn sites, if that's what he's into then what can you do? In my opinion, if one person doesn't like them, then it's disrespectful of the other person to do it knowing how the other feels. If you have issues with it, then talk to him about it. But in the end, it will be his choice whether he looks at them or not. And the important question is if he says he won't, can you really trust that he won't? It's all about trust, and it really doesn't seem like you have any trust in him.

I hate to be negative here, but it's not possible to fill your happiness with material things. Of course, getting a vibrator is up to you. But no matter what it is, you can't rely on things to make you feel better. It might temporarily make you feel better, but in the long run you will still be unhappy with everything. I'm concerned about your relationship. Of course he has every right to not want sex. But he doesn't make you feel good about yourself. It's not like a guy should be your source of happiness either, but seriously, you don't feel loved enough by him it seems. I think you need to work on that. A vibrator will not solve your relationship issues. Only you and him can do that. The other part that concerns me is that you said that any time you are feeling stressed you can turn to the vibrator. I'm sorry, but you are making it seem almost like a drug. That is not a healthy way to deal with stress. Sometimes it's ok to need alone time when stressed. I mean, it might help, but if you are really having issues, you need to work them out instead of temporarily forgetting about them. But sometimes it's also healthy to go out into the public world and de-stress yourself. You don't have to go out with a friend.. just don't make yourself shut the world out because that will only make you more depressed. I don't personally own a vibrator, but it's not a bad thing if that's what you want. But don't let it get in the way of being happy with yourself.

The others have given great advice already. This is not something that you will deal with forever. Not if you don't allow it. If he's really giving you no reason to doubt him, then it is all in your head. And it's in your head because it has happened to you before, so you aren't crazy for feeling the way you do. It's completely normal to be scared of being hurt again. Unfortunately though, you are making your fiance pay for something that another guy did to you, and he's not going to be able to take the blame forever. Nor should he have to. You need to separate your ex from your current boyfriend. They are not the same people. Your ex did not sound like a great boyfriend at all, while you know your guy now really loves and cares about you. I think that your past relationship has lead to your insecurities. I mean, the guy was abusive! That does so much harm and brings down your feeling of self worth. Are you currently in therapy? I would suggest going back because you need to build your self esteem.. and because you were abused, it might be more than something you can do on your own.

They could be about you, or someone else. Or they could just be lyrics that she likes.. or something. Whatever the case, don't worry about it. It seems like things are long over and she's either moved on, or realizing that she needs to.

You need to know that you won't be protected from stds, which hopefully if you are having sex, you have both been tested already. Also, I hope that you would plan to use some other kind of birth control. Her going on the pill is a good idea. If she took it every day at around the same time, then the pill can be very effective. But even then, it's still not as effective for preventing pregnancy. I guess in my opinion it's "ok" to not use condoms when you are both ready to deal with the possible consequences of that. And I would also hope you have already talked about what you would do if she got pregnant, and if that's something you could even risk right now. I mean, you are never 100% protected with having sex. But using a condom definitely lowers the chances. But my advice is, if you aren't sure you could handle a child right now, and you can enjoy sex with a condom, then why risk it even more?

I don't blame you for being confused. I don't think he really knows what he wants. Honestly, I don't think he cares enough for you. He might care about you, but not in the way you need. I see way too many red flags with this guy. Honestly, I don't think that he's willing to change anything about himself. You need to decide if you want to deal with this. Is it worth it?