SaraJane

Thanks hun, I appreciate your concern very much. I havent given this guy a penny yet, I have to meet with him again, give him the rest of the information I have for him, see what he has worked up as far as the judgement goes, and go from there. If his work seems less than desirable I may opt to look into an online divorce service. I dont know if it would be something I could do since there's a child involved, and I havent put forth any effort in researching it yet, but im not going to rule that out as an option. Also, if my husband changes his mind or decides to be complicated (even though he seems to be handling this in a way that is going to make this so much easier for us) I will definitely look harder for other options, even if it means a 2-3 hour drive ](*,) In life I've learned that to be a very true lesson on most occasions, however there's something about lawyers in Mississippi that really has my doubts mangled. Sure, I've only dealt with a few, but so far I've just had horrible luck Almost 7 years ago when my ex husband kidnapped my son I had flown to Jackson in hopes of finding where he was hiding with him. When we had confirmation of where they were I immediately hired a local lawyer to assist with the legal action needed in order to get immediate custody of my son... found a lawyer who made a lot of promises, wanted a lot of money, and cashed my check and did nothing he claimed he would do. Not to long after he was paid for a service he didnt provide, my attorney in Michigan contacted me and notified me that my husband was willing to return my child to me, so at that point it didnt matter anymore. I took the next flight home and awaited the return of my baby. Contacted the lawyer from Mississippi asking what the deal was, he claimed that the judge who needed to sign the document was not available to complete the process... but still wouldnt return the money. My original attorney had attempted to retrieve the money from the screwball that ripped me off but I saw / heard nothing and just didnt care enough to worry about it... I ended up with what I wanted after all, just lost several thousand dollars in the process for no reason

For me it wasnt a little step, but coming here helped me realize that I need to put my foot down and do what's right, not continue to do what I think will make others happy, or hold on to a small chance of hope for a miracle that will never happen. I cant say yet whether or not this is a good thing, but so far it feels great to know that I have realized that its time for me to allow myself to try to be happy. If I fail at finding peace, atleast I can have comfort in knowing that I was able to make the choice for myself and did my best without letting anything stop me from trying.

I trust him to do his job... but his office was the most discusting thing I have ever seen, and I cannot even begin to explain how unsettling it was to be in this man's place of work and see how unclean and filthy it was. People in this town are so much different than what Im used to, Im not completely ignorant when it comes to certain things and I'll have no problem calling him on something if its not done correctly, so Im not too concerned with that... I just plan to spend as little time as possible in his office. I'd love to find someone else if there was someone I could afford that isnt more than 2 hours away. He's literally the only family law attorney in this town, and he was the last I called, but he was the only one who didnt want $3000 or more up front, or a minimum of $75 for a consultation. In fact, he's priced me at $600 total (if my husband does not contest) and I dont have to give him a penny until we go to the courthouse to file. I cant beat that... so I'll deal with the negatives

Be strong Nikki, its not a pleasant situation but I can tell that you're intelligent and you probably know the right answer... you just need to remind yourself and stick with it. Dont draw out the emotions by playing games with him or allowing him to do the same. Come on over if you need to get your mind off of it, Im about to put in a bunch of movies that'll prolly make me bawl my eyes out all night, and I've got 4 flavors of ice cream... I'd be more than happy to share, and I've got an extra bean bag.

I definitely dont have a problem with it, in fact I think that she's passing up an opportunity for a silly reason. Im a grown woman with kids of my own, I live 1200 miles from her, its not as if this man is going to be a father figure to me anyway... the last guy she dated sure wasnt. Sure he was a nice fella (very weird... but nice), we were polite to one another and all that good stuff, but he was never more to me than my mom's significant other. But the question im wondering still is still the other parrallel to the situation... if she were 29 and I were 11 and she was dating someone 10 years older than me, would that change the scenario drastically?

Well, there was a time when I wouldnt have agreed with "Absolutely" but I've had a change of heart recently. My first post here was about another man that I had fallen in love with, and the whole situation with my divorce, etc... and after my first post here and the responses and realizing how foolish we were to think that we were doing the right thing. We came to realize that it was just not the right idea, no matter how much we both wanted it and we agreed that no matter how much it hurt, we loved and respected eachother enough to let go and work out our lives separately so that we dont hurt eachother. As much as it hurt, I dont regret the decision, and neither does he. Though neither of us have closed out the option of a potential future together, we've stepped back and are allowing one another to focus on what needs to be done and allowing other opportunities to present themselves without hurting one another in the process. What that allowed me to see is that in healthy relationships people sometimes make choices that are not what they want... but in the best interest of the people they care about. Its not easy, and though sacrifice can have its ups and downs loving something enough can mean putting your needs aside and seeing what's most important.

Ok, I went home to visit my family this past week and my mother has a dilema and its been sort of bothering me because I feel she's caring too much about insignificant things. First of all, my father passed away almost 7 years ago. My mom's 'dating scene' is not all that wonderful and the one relationship she's had since my father was a huge mess... the guy was a tard and she never should have wasted her time with him. But anyway, on to the present situation at hand. My mother had me at a young age, she was 16/17 and now she's slightly interesting in dating someone who's not all that much older than me! And she's afraid to be with this man because he's not old enough to be my father... and while I think she's being silly, she thinks its an important factor. So that made me wonder... I also had my son when I was 17 (5 days before my 18th birthday) and if I were to date a younger man, lets say... a 21 year old, would that be wrong because he's only 10 years older than my child? I want to encourage my mother to not let the age be an issue, but at the same time if I put myself in the situation I can see where she is coming from. Any thoughts?

Well, Im not a man but I will share with you my opinions... I dont know many men who are close to their mothers, but the ones who are honestly seem to be more respectful, down to earth, able to communicate and yes... more sensitive than those who are distant to their mom's. (Perhaps the fact that they can communicate is the only reason they seem more sensitive, but its not a negative thing as far as I can see.) Of all the relationships I've been in the men have had fairly unhealthy relationships with their mothers, none of them were close in any way whatsoever, and they have all had several problems with communication, emotions, insecurities, etc... and as much as I cant prove it, or back it up, I really think that a man who is close to his mother will have an easier time with women in relationships. One of my favorite quotes of all time is "Its not his fault he's a jerk, its his mother's". I mean who would be better to teach a man how to be a man than a woman? /duck

I dont think you're being rude, but at the same time I have mixed feelings on the subject. I've lived in many apartments when I've had neighbors and chose to not be friendly... I've had many reasons for that and never felt as if I was being rude, I just didnt see a point in pretending to be polite to people I truly didnt want to share anything with. In my last apartment complex I avoided my neighbors also, but an older woman had moved in next to me and was very very friendly and it was quite hard to avoid conversations with her, and quite frankly I was very happy that I had met her, spent time with her, and had someone to talk to who could turn to me if she needed something as well. Granted we didnt have coffee every morning, and there were times we didnt say much more than hello, but she wasnt nosey, she was a gem of a person with a warm heart who truly had a deep love for people... and I am lucky to have been one of them. The choice is ultimately yours... but I'd much prefer someone avoid me and be 'rude' in the way that you are than pretend, or feel obligated to be friendly

No Nikki, I do not think that you should. As much as you want to go fishing for hope you need to accept his statement for what its worth no matter how hard it hurts... he has moved on. That is your answer.

Well, good news!!! My husband called me late last evening and had somewhat of a change of heart it seems. He stated that he's very concerned about our son not knowing he is his father and loves him, I assured him that I will not allow for that to happen and he will always know. I know that he trusts me on this issue, there's no way I would deny him or his family a fair amount of visitations based on what we can work out. The only problem with this is his work schedule and the visitation guidelines will not work together, so it will be up to the two of us to use that as a structure but work together to make sure that they will have plenty of opportunities. He stated that he doesnt want us to leave, but he's understanding now that he had the opportunity to change and it was unfair of him to ask me to stay for so long when he wasnt willing to, and that I deserve to be happy. Now he's finally willing to let me have my life, my happiness, and my sanity back. Even if it means being apart from his son he knows that it is better for him to have a happy mother than be in our home in the midst of an unhealthy, unhappy, and emotionally unstable relationship. It seems that throughout the rest of our conversation we covered all bases that needed to be covered, from property settlement, to transportation for visitations, etc. And at this time it appears that he will not contest the divorce so long as the children and I are happy and he is allowed to be a part of his son's life. The meeting with the attorney wasnt as pleasant as my conversation with my husband, but that's sort of irrelevant. If he's not contesting the divorce it wont matter who my attorney is or how repulsive, discusting, and unprofessional he is as long as he allows us to set the judgement out in the way that we will be able to agree on it and gets the job done. I am very happy at this point, Im very much looking forward to being with my family again, especially my 8 year old, and having the opportunity to be myself again and wake up in the morning and not hate everything about my life and where I am. My 11 year old will be delighted that he can go back to his old school, be with both of his brothers, his grandmother, uncles, and have the opportunity to make some friends!! I know that it will hurt him to lose the 'dad' that my husband has been for the last 3 years, but I also know that he will be suffering a lot less, and Im certain that though I cannot provide him with a 'daddy' he will have all the love he needs from all the people there who love him so very much. As far as my husband's alchoholism, he's claiming that he knows he needs to stop, and he has every intent to do so (at this time)... even though doing it now isnt going to keep us here. I truly hope for his sake he does find the strength to stop so that he can find peace in his heart and allow for a new opportunity in his life to bring in the light that I could not.

There's no telling what his reasons might be for being willing to talk with you. But the fact that he said he moved on means that he's moved on, and if he didnt want you to know it he wouldnt have said it. The fact that he's willing to talk does not mean that there's a chance that he hasnt.

It seems to me that how to ask is not as much of a problem as what his response might be and your reaction. If you're unsure of how his location is going to effect your relationship, its important that you know the answers... its also important that you figure out what your expectations and hopes are so that you can communicate those with him when he presents his. If you want to have a long term relationship with this man, and he wants the same there is going to have to be compromise. But, such drastic distance is something that will be difficult to work with. If he moves to NY to work, is that going to be the end for you? Will you continue to have a relationship with him by remaining in Europe? Will he want you to go to NY also, and do YOU want to? Does he intend to stay in NYC permanantly? I would advise telling him that you enjoy your time with him, you love him and that you support the decisions he makes because his happiness is important to you. Also that you're concerned with whether or not his plans are going to cause you to lose him. Maybe rather than asking his immediate plan of action, just let him know how you feel and that you have a concern, perhaps that direction will allow for him to have the opportunity to think about it some and provide you with the information that you're looking for without putting him on the spot and demanding an immediate response.

Hello Nikki, It seems good that he's being direct with you by letting you know that he's moved on, sounds like he's laying out the fact that there's no chance for 'making up' or 'trying again' and that he's carried on with his life before allowing any confusion to take place if the two of you carry out a conversation. However, Im not quite understanding what good can come from talking about the things that caused the relationship to fail, or what your hopes and expectations are. If its closure that you need that's one thing, but Im confused really as to the purpose of it all. He's moved on, and that can sometimes be the push we need to move on ourselves. Perhaps that will help you some if you're having trouble? After looking at some of your other posts it really does seem to me that the best thing that you can do at this time is accept the fact that he's moved on and do your best to do so as well.

My ex husband and I tried and tried to make it work on several occasions. We were actually about a week from finalizing our divorce the first time I filed and we agreed to give it one more chance. That ended up being the worst time we had spent together, and ultimately caused us to hurt more and hate eachother in ways that we wouldnt have if we had just ended it and moved on. It really would depend on the people involved though, and the circumstances involved in the break up. With us, we were both at fault for insecurities and not knowing how to handle our emotions. We wanted to work out the issues, but no matter how much we wanted to we werent able to 'forget', and the bad things that made us split the first time just continued to haunt us through every other attempt that we made. And the idea that we had 'given up' once before, always lead us both to be concerned that the other would 'give up' again if things didnt go there way. I really cant think of any couple who had success after a break up and tried to reconstruct their relationships, but it would make me sad to think that there's not hope for people who both really want it for the right reasons.

Thank you, Born... that really helps me a lot. I am meeting with an attorney in the morning, I've told my husband Im filing for a divorce, and all of a sudden he's claiming he'll stop, and even get help if necessary... yet the condescending, manupulative, and demeaning attitude makes me believe that he's not ready to change, just desperate at this point. Im undecided on whether or not to give him one more chance, I dont know if it would be worth it... I've grown so cold to him and resent the fact that its taking me to actually meet with a lawyer to get potentially empty promises yet again. He's 'quit' probably a dozen times since we've been married, never for more than a few days... and then it starts with the "just a few a day" and then back to the case a day until I blow up again. Either way, I can meet with the attorney, explain what's going on, see how they can help and what options I have for now, and go from there. Maybe a separation would be ideal... I've tried for too long attempt to help him, I dont think I have the strength to do it now, especially when I cant believe that there will be a change. I love him, but I hate him for what he is... Im not sure how to deal with that. I just think its time to move on now, and for his sake I hope either way he does what's right... even if the children and I do move, for his sake he needs to make a change.

That's how I felt... I dont want to deny him the children, that's not what Im trying to accomplish. I just feel that we need to move on with our lives and let him be a child on his own. But is the fact that all my family (my mother, brothers, my 8 year old) and the rest of everything we've ever known is in Michigan a 'really good reason' that the courts will grant me the ability to take him... that's what I guess concerns me. I dont plan to keep him from him, yes Im worried about the drinking and driving on visits, but I wouldnt keep them from eachother... I am not that type of person that I would want to under any condition.

For me... my point is to protect and provide my children with all they need to be healthy, hardworking, respectful, appreciative, and loving people. And though I feel like Im a failure 99% of the time, I havent had enough of a reason to give up yet. Every day is a challenge, and every little bit of laughter we share is enough to give me some hope that I havent screwed up too much yet.

Ok, so I had given my husband a last and final chance to step up and make a change so that our marriage could possibly be saved... my family, my friends all want to see me gone at this point, so let me give some background information and see if anyone can offer any suggestions, imput, or advice... Im hoping mostly for someone who may have had a similar experience, or know someone who has so I know what I might be enduring once I start this process. I met my husband over 5 years ago online, we were friends for quite some time and 3 years ago I ended up relocating from Michigan to the Gulf Coast (1200 Miles) to be with him. In the process I lost custody of my 8 year old because I thought there was no chance in hell that my ex husband could have possibly been granted custody, but he did. Neither of us were 'more fit' than the other so the judge would not give me permission to keep him in Alabama with us. I get my son for the summer and for several breaks during the school year, but its not enough, being that far from him has been hell for me and something that has caused much more pain than it was worth for both of us. My husband and I have a child (15 months old now), and my oldest son is also with us (11 now). My 11 year old's father is not a part of his life, and my current husband is really the only 'dad' he's ever had. We have no friends and no family here (we are in Mississippi currently), my husband has a sister here and her spouses family, and that's the extent of it. My husband works offshore and is gone for 2-4 weeks at a time, and never home for more than 12 days at a time, sometimes as little as 2-3 days at a time. My husband is an alchoholic, "always has been" and feels he's doing nothing wrong and WILL NOT change. Though he can go weeks at work without drinking, he cannot do it at home. He has 3 DUI's, and continues to drink and drive. He is not violent, he doesnt get drunk to the point where he passes out (anymore) or gets sick, but he begins his drinking binge on his way home from work, and continues to drink constantly when he is home. If I confront him, or even ask him to go a day or two without he gets angry, but instead of a confrontation he just goes around with this "if Im going to suffer, so are you" type of attitude. Its as if he cant be happy unless he's intoxicated. When he's at work him and I get along great, its almost as if the only time our relationship is 'good' is when he's not here and sober under someone elses command. But, I cant live like this anymore... I am miserable, I feel incompetant, and I feel like someone's destroyed me... because even though I know he cares and he's faithful I know that my children and I cannot compete with his alchohol addiction. I dont want to wait for him to end up in prison to have a way out. My family doesnt want me here either, they know how miserable I am when I go home to visit and know that it just kills me to have to come back here. The only counterpoint is that for the first time in my life we are financially stable, we've got plenty of money, live in a nice house, I can take the kids on vacations, buy anything and everything we want... but it does not make up for the fact that I've given up so much for this man and he will not even attempt to resolve this matter. Im willing to give all that up to try to find some happiness in my life, because the money and the 'things' do not make up for what isnt right here. My mother wants me to go to a woman's shelter back home with my children, and explain to them the sitation and try to get help. I'd prefer to hire a lawyer and divorce him and wait until the courts grant me permission to move home to be with my other child, family, and friends... my problem is, considering the surprise of the custody issue when I moved down here, Im scared that Im either going to be stuck in Mississippi once the divorce is final, or forced to leave my son behind. We live in a very small town, the closest 'city' is about a half hour away... there's no jobs no daycare here that are worth the time (I cant find a job that would pay enough to cover daycare, unless I drive an hour each way every day), there are no other children for my son to play with, the school just sucks here, and I am tired of feeling trapped, isolated, and so damn shut out from everything. I made my husband my life for the past 3 years, but I no longer have hope for a life here... my 11 year old is miserable, Im miserable and its not healthy for us to continue living like this. Im struggling with depression and the more my husband refuses to admit that he has a problem or try to resolve it, the harder it gets. I had posted before in regards to another man, an emotional relationship to someone I had depended on to help me cope with the time between, but I have resolved that issue and have decided that I need to take action, and get my life on track before I get involved with anyone... for me and my kids. But... my problem is this... I am so terrified that if I file for a divorce that it will blow up in my face and I'll end up being stuck in a worse situation... forced to stay or give up my son. I dont know how the laws are here as compared to Michigan when it comes to custody issues, or even divorce for that matter. So my question is... is the fact that he's an alchoholic (but not a violent drunk) going to be enough to give me the power to go home and make things right for my kids and I, or is it going to take more than that? Do I need to take precautionary measures to save my * * *, or do I need to just have faith that it will work out in our favor? I've asked him if separating would possibly sway his idea, and give him motivation to stop drinking, and he says that he will not quit, he will not get help and he does not feel that he's hurting anything. He thinks that just because he's not beating us he's not endangering anyone's lives, but I cannot agree with this. I've never known an alchoholic, or anyone in a similar situation, neither has anyone in my family. If anyone has any input, sites I can visit, experience they can share... I would really appreciate it.

I've had a bad experience with the name thing before My boyfriend was in for a week visit from Arizona (I was living in Michigan) and we were on our last night and we had intended on staying up all night... well I started to fall asleep and was apparently dreaming that my ex husband was standing at the window watching us and I screamed his name. Needless to say, regardless of the situation, it freaked my boyfriend out and he dumped me when he got home Other than that I've had a few close calls but I think the more I've worried about it the more i've almost done it.

Well, even though the laughter could be a mood killer, I must say that having a good laugh out of it is a sign that your sexual relationship is probably going to be a good one. I know in situations i've been in there has often been frustrating times that have lead to worse things than laughter. But, rather than the thought of him not being hard enough... is he real big? But yeah, relax, use a lubricant, hopefully it'll go easier next time

Im just curious why there's not a visitation schedule set up actually... is divorce still in the works? Are you two technically just 'separated' at the moment?

"Typical" visitation is one weeknight (2-3 hours) every week, and every other weekend Fri-Sunday type of thing. I personally feel that you need to set a visitation schedule and stick with what's convenient for you. If he tries to throw it in your face, remind him very politely that he made the choice to leave and you have to do what's best for you right now and your children and him coming over every day is definitely not best. A father has a right to see his children, and besides sweetheart you need a break once in a while. They're very young, them spending time with him (even when he's with this other woman) is not going to devistate them or harm them. Having him come to your home every night is going to confuse them much more in my opinion. Not only do you need to know that he's not coming back, in a way they do too. Its an adjustment that all of you will have to make and accept. Im not sure where you live or how the visitation laws are set up where you are, but if you have a visitation schedule set up they're not going to back you up on not letting your children go with him just because you dont want them to have anything to do with the new woman. Unless he's abusive, or neglectful he deserves to have his time with his children and you need to accept that you need to step back and let him have that out of your home.

Dont worry about finding someone else right now, or anything but yourself for that matter... he was just wrong, and obviously not the type of guy you want to spend your life with. Be thankful that you found out after 7 months of being with him and not several years... and definitely before you ended up pregnant or who knows what else. It hurts and will hurt for a while. But you will get through this.

Im one of those sentimental people too, but I also believe "out of sight, out of mind" I'd suggest get rid of them, with the exception of a few things such as souveniers from a trip that you enjoyed... but keep the souveniers because of where you were... not who you were with. Besides... the best memories are the ones that cant be thrown away or printed on paper. I dont want to forget my first love, and I never will, but I dont need objects for that... you dont either =) If you feel you need to move on, you also need to tell yourself to let go. Dont punish yourself by feeling you have to ditch EVERYTHING that reminds you of him... simple things that will bring a smile to your face on occasion are not a bad thing. I'd avoid pictures and letters though, those are potential problems in future relationships (I've been on both ends of that one, and its not fun) and can also lead to sad lonely nights of staying up crying and dwelling on them. Dont do that to yourself =P